Day 2

Day 02: Something you love about yourself.


I am finding this one surprisingly hard.

I guess I love that I am very honest, blunt and loyal. All three together have made it so some people can't handle me but, they've also been something that I'm proud of and that have drawn some lifelong friends to me.



Well, I'm sick. Like, very sick. I ended up in the hospital the other night and the cold only seems to be getting worse so I'm really hoping it doesn't happen again. This? Is I all I have tonight. I'm pondering some stuff about Cael and my submission but it's not formed enough to get on screen yet. Maybe next time.

In Through The Nose. Out Through The Mouth.

I am functioning.. I'm still alive. Still breathing.

I'm not entirely sure how much I can share right now so I'll just say this: Cael is gone for a bit again, he's also angry with me. Those two things aren't related in the sense most would assume but that's all I can say until I talk to him again and we figure out how much I'm allowed to share.  Suffice to say with him being angry with me I'm not very happy.. at all. Because of this and not wanting to let this blog go to hell I'm going to try doing the 30 Days Of Truth Meme. I'm not saying I'll do it every day or even answer every question but it should help me blog a bit more and give me something else to talk about besides Master and being upset.

Here is the list if you want to play along:

Day 01: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02: Something you love about yourself.
Day 03: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion- Or what do you think of politics-
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do-
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life- If so, when and why-
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now-
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do-
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself


Day 01: Something you hate about yourself.

There are several things I hate about myself but the one at the forefront of my mind right now is my picking. I have a tendency to pick and pester until I get answers with Cael. I need to learn and accept that he does listen to me, and he will take care of me and answer me in his own time. Not mine. He is the master after all. I've never had anybody actually follow through.. I don't understand it and it's hard to accept sometimes. So, maybe that's really the root of what I hate about myself. I hate that things have happened in my life that I'm letting impact Cael and I. We both have issues but I can work on fixing mine.. or at least lessening them. 

I've actually been looking around for a therapist or something to help me get over this because I seem to be stuck on my own with it. I am having very little luck in the small town I'm in. Though in all honesty, maybe this is the boot in the ass I needed. Gods know the last time he got mad at me it certainly changed everything. I still wish it didn't happen though.

Get Real!

Have you all heard of The Adult Toy Shoppe? Yeah. I’m betting you have. They sent me a toy to review a bit ago but before I get to that I’d just like to say something. I love the name of this company! Seriously. There are so many sex toy shops that come up with these ridiculous names. If I’m looking at a toy that two shops carry for the same price.. I am going to choose the shop whose name doesn’t make my cringe. Yes I am vaguely eccentric!

To start with lets get the specs out of the way shall we?

According to the website the dildo I received has an insertable length of 4.5 inches, with the thickest width being 1.5 inches.

This is not an intimidating toy size wise. When I received the package (a standard blister pack) I was actually surprised at the amount of texture on this toy. It doesn’t look like it has a whole lot in the pictures on the site, however there is quite a bit and it can definitely be felt.

To be completely honest, I am absolutely torn on this toy as to what I think of it.

I finally got the chance the other night to use it. I was understandably excited. I just recently discovered my love of dildos...and realistic dildos at that so getting one had me skipping around. I pulled the toy out of the package and promptly smacked it to the wall. It has a suction cup on the end that made a wonderful *THWACK* as it stuck to the wall.

That? Is where it stayed for quite a while so I could see how well the cup worked. Pretty well; I had to pry it off the wall. Unfortunately that right there is the only time I used the suction cup. The toy is just too short for it to be used on the wall for anything more than teasing. On a chair it may work better but right now I don't have a flat smooth base to stick it to to try it out.

Once it was off I took it to the bathroom and washed it then turned and promptly dropped it on the floor. So, I can tell you that pet hair sticks to it amazingly well.

FINALLY, washed for a second time, I crawled into bed with my new toy. Now, here is where I get torn.

As I used this toy it definitely felt good. However, I wanted more. I wanted it to be longer and thicker and to really fill my up. As it is this toy does not bump my cervix like I enjoy, but that’s okay because it does run nicely over my g-spot. It seems to be the absolute perfect length for that.

Then the tapering… it starts thin and gets a little thicker as it goes. I love that full feeling as the head of the toy pops into me. Then again, sometimes that thick feeling can be way too much. I have toys that literally stretch me to the point that I cannot take them in without hurting. I am fairly tight and small inside so for that this toy is great.. but I love that thick feeling too.

I was literally having trouble getting deep into this toy. Yet? I was absolutely soaked. It was like the texture of the toy was literally juicing me. I could feel it running down the toy and over the “balls” which is quite appealing to me. Orgasm is my only hobby :D  Once I found the groove of the toy it wasn’t long before the orgasm hit me. There was no focusing, there was no keeping control. My eyes rolled back and I writhed enough I almost fell off the bed.

Do you see my problem? I found myself wanting more yet this toy totally satisfied me more than some of the bigger toys I have. I think for me part of the appeal of the big toys is the force to them. The force helps get me off. Now though? Now I’ve found a new way. I get a completely different, and generally stronger, orgasm from this toy and I love that!

Once I was finished I set the toy down and fell right to sleep. I rarely do that… normally I am completely anal (BTW! This toy is completely anal safe with the large base. However, because of the porous tendency which you are about to see if you use this toy anally ONLY using it anally is probably your best bet.) about cleaning my toys. So, I woke up in the morning and grabbed the toy to clean it off. This is what I found :

Apparently the base of the toy had been touching a candle and  sucked up the coloring from it. Now. This toy is made out of a phthalate free rubber.  So I think we can safely assume this toy will absorb some bodily fluids and lube as time goes on. So I would recommend replacing this toy every now and then. If you spill something totally not good for your body… like nail polish remover and a cleaner of some sort on this..I’m not sure I’d risk using it again. I say toss it and get a new because at the price of this thing you can totally afford to do it! 

I Think I just talked myself into this toy even more…definitely going to replace it when the time comes!

Thank you to www.theadulttoyshop.com for letting me try out this dildo!

ZOMG VBA'D BBQ

Part of that title it totally just for Sephi :D

Something happened to me today. Sephi tagged me for a VBA award! Then it hit me that my bestie is a bish.. using this to make me blog more. Silly woman! I am following my rules. Every three days as decreed by the almighteh one and he seems content with this amount. So neh! No more posts for you and you can't do nuffin!

Oh and thanks.

So here are the rules:

1.  You need to link back to the person that gave you the award

     Just peek at the previous paragraph, you'll see it!...yes I kept it!

2.  You need to share 7 things about yourself 

• I am in a 24/7 TPE (our own version) relationship. 
• I am hopelessly dedicated to my owner. 
• I am absolutely head over heels, giggling idiot kind of in luff with my owner. 
• I have an odd note book collection. I Can't seem to get enough. 
• I am slowly building up my toy collection and am absolutely giddy over it.
• Today I bought a fake christmas tree and am assembling it myself just to tell Cael that I can put things together and do it right! 
• I find things that would normally start a fight between a couple to be absolutely hilarious. I'm more likely to laugh and mock it then get upset and fight over it. (IE. Cael told me that he would build things without my help and it would be done right the first time..I laughed. And now I'm building a tree!)

3.  Pass along this award to 15 blogs you enjoy reading!

I'm not even sure I read 15 blogs but I'll go as much as I can :) 

1. Kaya at Under His Hand.

She is one of the first blogs I ever read and she is absolutely awesome to talk to!

2. Kitten at Paw Prints In Slavery. Her submission and feelings toward her master are amazing to me and make me feel like I'm not the only one going about things this particular way and she makes me feel not so alone. /end sob.  :D 

3. Carrie Ann at A View From The Floor . She hasn't been as actively blogging lately as when I first started reading her years ago but I still love her blog. She seems to bring together a lot of what I grew up seeing and knowing and mixes it seamlessly with submission.. plus she's pretty funny and her rants are absolutely the best!

4. Emma at Ramblings of a Kajira. She is just an awesome read and her photography is honestly a motivation for me to lose weight. I absolutely love some of her pictures and they push me. 

5. Morningstar at The Journey. She's real.. she struggles and she's honest and it's nice to see reality in these relationships.

6. Nilla at Vanillamom's Blog. I don't think this list would be complete without her. She's who I go to when I need blessings and prayer for me or for Cael. When I'm confused and lost, she definitely somebody I go to. She's a mix of sub sister and sub mother to me.. some of her guidance is definitely more motherly than sisterly but it's helpful and I'm thankful for it :) 

7. Biddable at A Slave Among Drivers ... because she's Canadian, she is very honest in her blog and she is fucking funny that's why! 

8. Lexi ... whose blog is protected so not everybody can read so I wont post the link. She is the very first blog I started reading years ago when she wrote at Behind The Collar. And I've followed every blog since. She does foodie well, and she's always a funny, and interesting read. 

9. Sephi at Turn The Paige . I've known her for quite a while now and we met through her blog and since then we've become sickeningly close and know entirely too much about each other. 

So, uh... I'm out of blogs that are still active or that I read regularly. But I promise to come back and update this as I find new blogs!

Anything You Can Do I Can Do Dirtier

Another short post tonight. I'm tired and feel kinda icky. Plus I seem to be really sore and I'm not sure why. It's like I've run 10 miles in my sleep or something. Just popping on to show you my new toy organizer.

Are ya ready?!

Almost every pocket has something in it. I actually filled my Rubbermaid tub since some of the toys couldn't be bare in the tub and wouldn't fit in a pouch and their packaging was bulky. So, I have this. As I get more the more bulky toys will stay in it and I'll take the glass toys out and put them back in the tub. (red bags have glass toys in them, sometimes two to save space.)  My organization freak gets to come out and play with my toys!! A bit ago I told Cael when we find a house I'll do all the packing and unpacking for the move and I so meant it! I love to go through things and organize them and pack them then unpack them and organize them in specific ways when we get them to the house. I will seriously be in my freak like subby glory. Which is great because he hates doing that kind of stuff . Win - Win.

See this?

This? Is an awesome bath waiting to happen. Now, in order to get this picture I had to mix the salts into a bowl of water and gently mix it into the bath water. A lot of people have said that the bath salts in question do not produce much by way of bubbles. I have not found that to be true. In fact, I've found if I put the salts in right away at the start of running the bath I get a lot of bubbles. I've actually had bubbles up over the ledge of the tub.

The salts in this picture are from the Shunga bath salts Ocean edition. This is my first canister of Shunga bath salts and as much as I love baths... I have to say that I prefer the Kama Sutra Treasure of the Sea(which is an ocean scent)bath salts.

There are a few notable differences in the two products:

1. The exact same amount of salts produces different looks. The kama sutra has a deeper blue.

2. The shunga bath salts have an oil or a soap to them that makes the bottom of the tub very slippery. I've actually fallen in the tub because of this. The Kama sutra doesn't seem to have this issue.

3. The scent of the shunga salts is a much more perfumey scent. Due to allergies I'm fairly sensitive to scent. Most people say the shunga is more delicate.. and it is.. but it also bothers my allergies and affects my asthma. It's not a strong scent, but it's very cloying.

4. The Kama Sutra salts come in a little bigger container but they are a little more expensive.

So, go get some bath salts from EdenFantasys!

Now, I wasn't going to mention this yet but I kinda have to. I recently received a package. .... in this package was a hitachi magic wand. Now, I love sex toys and I have quite a few. But I have to say.. this magic wand.. It's awesome!! It vibrates every single inch of me. I also managed to grab some more tantus toys. It was an awesome package! Make sure you go check them out... I have yet to be disappointed by these sex toys!

So Uh,

My bad.

I missed a post. But, I don't have much to say. Still happy I get to talk to Cael... still luff him to pieces. I don't feel too great today so this is totally just an "Oh shit!" make up post.

LOL6

I'm sure you've noticed by now that today is Love Our Lurkers day here in blogland. This is the sixth year that Bonnie from My Bottom Smarts has done this. So many blogs are participating and I think it's easy to see why. We want to talk to you! We're just people ya know :) No need to be scared. I love interacting with people that read my blog.

Use a fake name if you have to, or if you're really shy just send me an email. I'd love to hear from you.

Of course I understand not wanting to comment. I didn't for years. There are some blogs even now I that I don't comment on or if I do it's rare. All the same though I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to read whatever is going on in my life. Blogging is definitely more fun with the interaction.

Take Along

I totally broke down last night. It was a combination of PMS, a really shitty day, and a good helping of sub drop. No, really. I've never had sub drop without rough play before but it happened. I think because I was so high and happy Sunday getting Caels attention and getting some dominance and finally getting to talk to him again by Tuesday when I hadn't heard from him everything just came crashing down. By six o' clock last night I was in bed, had text Cael and was bawling. I'm fairly certain I know where he was and why he hadn't answered but that didn't matter. I just wanted my master and some reassurance and my bed. I'm really hoping I get to talk to him today so I don't devolve back to that place again. I don't have much to say other than that so I decided I'd do a meme that's  been circulating around a few different vanilla blogs.

Apparently you can learn a lot about a person from what they carry in their bag. 

What type of bag do you carry?

Right now it's a hobo-ish leather bag.

Explain what's in your bag and state why it's there:

Wallet...for obvious reasons I think.

Kleenex packet because allergies suck ass.

Gum because it seems to help with my motion sickness in cars.

My keys...ya know, so I can get back into my house when I get home.

A pen because I always need one and never seem to have it.

Most likely last weeks grocery list because I only seem to take it out the day I go for groceries to put in the new one.

A little wallet style compact with lip gloss in it that I think I've used maybe once.

An inhaler for my asthma.. I don't leave the house without one.

Hand sanitizer because I'm vaguely OCD.

A little pad of paper because I get random awesome ideas for things.

Some halls just in case.

And the last thing.. which is totally the most subbie thing in my bag.

Ready for it?

Tylenol.

No really, it's a total subbie thing! See, Cael is allergic to advil... I am an advil person. I always have been. A while ago I was out of advil and went to the store and picked some up, put in my bag and didn't think about it. Well, I went to use it a bit ago and I find tylenol. Apparently I am naturally making choices he wants and needs without even knowing it.

That right there is not a matter of being owned. That is a matter of being slowly eaten alive and completely possessed.

Coming Home

Well considering I'm posting and assuming you've read the title you've probably already guessed what the post is about. Cael is home.

Lets try that again.

CAEL IS HOME!!!!!!

That's more like it :)

When he first got home and text me, I'm not going to lie... I bawled. The day had been total shit. I had worked myself up into little bit of a frenzy due things happening on some of his accounts that shouldn't have been if he wasn't home. It had happened before but for some reason this one really sent me spinning. So I had text him and suddenly he was answering me saying he just got out the night before and his phone just turned on and he had no idea about what I was talking about. Turns out it was the person he left his computer with on his accounts that I now want to throat punch but I'm sure I'll get over that before I meet him :) Hopefully. The first thing he did was apologize for it and we talked a bit. Fairly superficial stuff because he wasn't ready to be out. The next few days I basically left him alone and he wanted left alone. So while I was happy he was home it wasn't much different than when he was gone. I kept myself busy. I did get a couple texts out of him but not a lot.

Today, I got his attention. Quite a lot of his attention actually. I love having his attention... I've always hated it with anybody else but I just soak it up with him. He claimed me, luffed me, and gave me a task to complete. He flexed his dominance and again, I soaked it up. He gave me a picture task. I had to take a picture of every toy I own in use. Normally I'd have balked at it, not wanted to do it, tried to subtly convince him out of it and take mercy on me. This time I just did it... and I had a smile on my face the whole time. We talked and joked and I got my cuddles and luffs and it just felt like coming home. Which is really stupid considering I didn't go anywhere. But as I've said before, Cael has become my home. When he's gone so is my home. So even though he's been home for a few days until we got to talk and reconnect I was still a little floaty. However, I knew better than to pick and beg and pester him. I know he isn't back to himself yet and doing that would not be helpful at all. Today though, he gave it to me anyways. All on his own and that means a hell of a lot more than almost anything else.

I'm so calm and happy. I haven't felt this way in months. Even though the time apart sucked really really badly and I hate seeing him like that, I think in the long run it may have been good. I seem to be more secure with him, and with my submission to him. There were times while he was gone that with the activity on his accounts I doubted if he really was in there. Every time though I'd always pull back into myself and us. Even when I could see things that would have led me to believe I was being lied to. I just... trusted. I waited and believed even if I did falter now and then. That is an astonishing amount of trust for anybody, but especially for me with B disappearing like that where he wouldn't talk to me but I could see activity on accounts. So for the trust and loyalty to be that strong that 99.9% of the time I was absolutely, entirely and completely trusting and believing even when it was so easy to have believed otherwise.. that's a big deal. I also learned that he's not going to forget me. For some reason that was a big thing for me.. I've never had a lot of self worth so I figured if we didn't talk or he wasn't here with me he'd forget about me. Not true. We went one month where we barely talked and then one month where we didn't talk at all and he still came back to me. He still luffs and I'm still owned and his. And that? That is the most reassuring thing of all.

Every face he made today, every time he laughed or smiled my entire chest would swell. This mix of luff and submission and trust and adoration would flare up and I'd happy wiggle and just want more of him. Of course, I've always been like that with him.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, I luff that man to fucking pieces.

Now, I'm off to send my nightly email to him, put on my cuffs for the first time in weeks and curl up into bed and watch movies and hopefully get to say goodnight to him. I can't think of a better way to end the best day I've had in a long time.

My little world? It's complete again. Mostly because he just happens to be my little world.