You know. I realized I forgot this video in the last post but then I relistened and realized it's the most accurate song and as such deserves it's own post.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Thought
I thought for a long time that I was really okay. And to be quite honest, thus far I am. I did however find a chink in my chain. You don't wanna be the chink in my chain. (Name that movie!)
Anyways, a dom friend of mine came over the other day and we were discussing him having a little control over me. Well, we discussed it, worked out and he flicked my boob, gave a deep tissue massage(or my back is just a wimp) that's left me faintly bruised and left. At which point I promptly bawled like a fucking baby. Turns out I'm doing okay as long as I'm away from that for a while. I haven't patched and fixed everything yet. I now know that but gods that was a mess. I seem to have leveled out though.
Today I spent some time writing out lists of things I need to finish, or want to do for myself. I have almost a full page and I'm not done yet. It feels good to be productive again though and not just a waiting mess. And as an added ego boost I had somebody literally propose to me, and yet another person tell me "You're drop dead gorgeous, so pretty! Your hair and eyes! I want to fuck you!" ... I love the people I'm around. Seriously.
Over the last little while I've had a lot of friends send me songs. Some to make a point, some to make me laugh. Either way I thought I'd share some with you. (Of course not all of them are my taste but they sure made me laugh)
Anyways, a dom friend of mine came over the other day and we were discussing him having a little control over me. Well, we discussed it, worked out and he flicked my boob, gave a deep tissue massage(or my back is just a wimp) that's left me faintly bruised and left. At which point I promptly bawled like a fucking baby. Turns out I'm doing okay as long as I'm away from that for a while. I haven't patched and fixed everything yet. I now know that but gods that was a mess. I seem to have leveled out though.
Today I spent some time writing out lists of things I need to finish, or want to do for myself. I have almost a full page and I'm not done yet. It feels good to be productive again though and not just a waiting mess. And as an added ego boost I had somebody literally propose to me, and yet another person tell me "You're drop dead gorgeous, so pretty! Your hair and eyes! I want to fuck you!" ... I love the people I'm around. Seriously.
Over the last little while I've had a lot of friends send me songs. Some to make a point, some to make me laugh. Either way I thought I'd share some with you. (Of course not all of them are my taste but they sure made me laugh)
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Is That A Wocket In Your Pocket?
Or just a vibrating panty?
Yes. You read that correctly. Good vibes sent me a set of lace panties for review. Being a sex toy shop of course they were more than just panties. These panties had a little bullet in the front that was controlled be a remote. Which of course is perfect for naughty dates, play parties, outings that could use a little spice and anything else you could possibly think of.
These panties have a breakdown as follows:
Panties : 85% Polyamide, 15% Spandex
Elastic : 75% Nylon, 25% Lycra
Ribbon : Polyester
Bullet : ABS plastic
Panties fit 26 – 52” hip (66 - 132cm)
For me, the fit of these panties isn't the greatest. However, it is a lot better than I thought it was going to be. I seen these as a fun date toy. I personally am used to "One size fits all" products totally not fitting. So the fact that these not only fit when tied closely to the ends of the strings, but actually needed dramatically taken in was a shock to me. So for that? Fuck yeah vibrating panties! Seriously.. huge ego boost which always helps with that sexy feeling. So, even if you don't think they'll fit you, or are like me and scoff at these things.. try them out. You may be surprised.
Now, while they fit... they did not fit me in a way I seen as flattering. Panties for curvy, bigger girls go two ways..either over the stomach or under. I know many people that prefer one of the other for both. I like them to go over.. I just don't see the whole under the tummy thing attractive on my body. On others? Yes. On me. No. It wasn't a matter of where the tie was at all, my issue came from the length of the actual panty part.. it is a hip hugging panty. So it would not fit the way I like.
Even with the fit issues I found that the bullet part actually nestled right against my clit. So, for that it is actually very well fitted because all the parts lined up as they should. I also found that not only did it vibrate my clit but my outter lips so it was an all over stimulation which for me causes me to climax a lot faster than pinpoint.
Now, as a final plus? This toy? It totally comes with batteries! That is a huge deal for anybody that has been ordering toys for a while. Very rarely do they come with batteries. So while this toy does have an odd battery (23AE 12V for the remote) it is not something you have to worry about right away and you will have an example of what you're looking for once you do need to replace it.
I really think this toy should be at least given a shot. It's perfect for going to BDSM play parties where sexual contact isn't encouraged. You can wear the panties and have your fun without any contact at all. If you're a man that likes wearing panties.. these should fit you and give you a little extra stimulation. They cannot be heard at all once you have clothing on so wearing them walking around stores to keep you or your partner on edge is also totally plausible. There are really endless possibilities with this kind of toy.
Thank you to goodvibes for supplying the toy, I enjoyed reviewing it!
Yes. You read that correctly. Good vibes sent me a set of lace panties for review. Being a sex toy shop of course they were more than just panties. These panties had a little bullet in the front that was controlled be a remote. Which of course is perfect for naughty dates, play parties, outings that could use a little spice and anything else you could possibly think of.
These panties have a breakdown as follows:
Panties : 85% Polyamide, 15% Spandex
Elastic : 75% Nylon, 25% Lycra
Ribbon : Polyester
Bullet : ABS plastic
Panties fit 26 – 52” hip (66 - 132cm)
For me, the fit of these panties isn't the greatest. However, it is a lot better than I thought it was going to be. I seen these as a fun date toy. I personally am used to "One size fits all" products totally not fitting. So the fact that these not only fit when tied closely to the ends of the strings, but actually needed dramatically taken in was a shock to me. So for that? Fuck yeah vibrating panties! Seriously.. huge ego boost which always helps with that sexy feeling. So, even if you don't think they'll fit you, or are like me and scoff at these things.. try them out. You may be surprised.
Now, while they fit... they did not fit me in a way I seen as flattering. Panties for curvy, bigger girls go two ways..either over the stomach or under. I know many people that prefer one of the other for both. I like them to go over.. I just don't see the whole under the tummy thing attractive on my body. On others? Yes. On me. No. It wasn't a matter of where the tie was at all, my issue came from the length of the actual panty part.. it is a hip hugging panty. So it would not fit the way I like.
Even with the fit issues I found that the bullet part actually nestled right against my clit. So, for that it is actually very well fitted because all the parts lined up as they should. I also found that not only did it vibrate my clit but my outter lips so it was an all over stimulation which for me causes me to climax a lot faster than pinpoint.
Now, as a final plus? This toy? It totally comes with batteries! That is a huge deal for anybody that has been ordering toys for a while. Very rarely do they come with batteries. So while this toy does have an odd battery (23AE 12V for the remote) it is not something you have to worry about right away and you will have an example of what you're looking for once you do need to replace it.
I really think this toy should be at least given a shot. It's perfect for going to BDSM play parties where sexual contact isn't encouraged. You can wear the panties and have your fun without any contact at all. If you're a man that likes wearing panties.. these should fit you and give you a little extra stimulation. They cannot be heard at all once you have clothing on so wearing them walking around stores to keep you or your partner on edge is also totally plausible. There are really endless possibilities with this kind of toy.
Thank you to goodvibes for supplying the toy, I enjoyed reviewing it!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
What Doesn't Kill You Makes A Fighter
So, to make a very long, messy, horrible story short; Cael and I are finished.
As for what happened I'm not going to go into that for numerous reasons. I've removed him from almost all venues we talked in or he inhabited. Phone, computer, most sites. I've also removed him from auto updates from the blog. If he chooses to sign back up that is totally fine and his choice. I just know I did what I had to do, again for various reasons.
As far as how I am.. that's a loaded question. It's been about a week since everything exploded. The first night I cried... I cried hard. I cried hard enough I literally made myself sick. That night I also talked to Karson (Sephi's fiance/master for those that don't recall) and he helped a lot actually. I went from convulsions to just silent tears. The next day I was numb, and cried that night. The third day was the same. Since then.. I've been doing alright. Now, whether that's because the last 9 months have unintentionally prepared me for this so I could handle it, or if I'm in complete denial and anything at any minute could set me off and shatter me entirely is still up for debate. I myself don't know. I do not know if I'm okay. I don't know how I'm doing. I'm functioning. I smile, and laugh when it feels natural. I'm not forcing anything. I'm doing okay as far as most things go. I'm doing amazingly considering I thought I'd shrivel up and die. Like I said, possibly denial. That's not to say this isn't hard.. because it is. It so is. I still pick up my phone to text him. I still eat and think "I have to include this in the email." I'm currently remodeling the basement and every good idea I have I think "I have to tell him about that." I miss talking to him. I miss him. I do. I lost my master, my boyfriend and my best friend since I was 16.
But I think I'm healing some of the hurt that's happened the last few months as well so parts of me are coming back into themselves. I've spent the last week just doing things for myself. Bathes, taking the time to really take care of my curly hair not just wash and go, I'm wearing my birth ring every day because it makes me happy, I'm watching terrible shows and listening to shitty music because I want to. I'm going out, doing things... I'm just.. doing for me. And it's helping. But it's not pleasant. It. Just. Is.
P.S. Sephi is going to design a new background for the blog. I'm rebuilding my life from the ground up, myself, the house, and now the blog.
I also just want to say thank you to everybody that's emailed me over the past week wondering if I was okay. It helped.
As for what happened I'm not going to go into that for numerous reasons. I've removed him from almost all venues we talked in or he inhabited. Phone, computer, most sites. I've also removed him from auto updates from the blog. If he chooses to sign back up that is totally fine and his choice. I just know I did what I had to do, again for various reasons.
As far as how I am.. that's a loaded question. It's been about a week since everything exploded. The first night I cried... I cried hard. I cried hard enough I literally made myself sick. That night I also talked to Karson (Sephi's fiance/master for those that don't recall) and he helped a lot actually. I went from convulsions to just silent tears. The next day I was numb, and cried that night. The third day was the same. Since then.. I've been doing alright. Now, whether that's because the last 9 months have unintentionally prepared me for this so I could handle it, or if I'm in complete denial and anything at any minute could set me off and shatter me entirely is still up for debate. I myself don't know. I do not know if I'm okay. I don't know how I'm doing. I'm functioning. I smile, and laugh when it feels natural. I'm not forcing anything. I'm doing okay as far as most things go. I'm doing amazingly considering I thought I'd shrivel up and die. Like I said, possibly denial. That's not to say this isn't hard.. because it is. It so is. I still pick up my phone to text him. I still eat and think "I have to include this in the email." I'm currently remodeling the basement and every good idea I have I think "I have to tell him about that." I miss talking to him. I miss him. I do. I lost my master, my boyfriend and my best friend since I was 16.
But I think I'm healing some of the hurt that's happened the last few months as well so parts of me are coming back into themselves. I've spent the last week just doing things for myself. Bathes, taking the time to really take care of my curly hair not just wash and go, I'm wearing my birth ring every day because it makes me happy, I'm watching terrible shows and listening to shitty music because I want to. I'm going out, doing things... I'm just.. doing for me. And it's helping. But it's not pleasant. It. Just. Is.
P.S. Sephi is going to design a new background for the blog. I'm rebuilding my life from the ground up, myself, the house, and now the blog.
I also just want to say thank you to everybody that's emailed me over the past week wondering if I was okay. It helped.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Beauty
I have literally spent over a year pouring though big chain book stores, little independent book stores, and even second hand book stores looking for a specific series of books. Very rarely did I find them, and when I did they were beaten up, or ridiculously priced, or would only appear on the stores website and would only be ordered in if enough people signed up to request it. Needless to say my name is still sitting on one of those lists years later.
The books I am talking about are The Sleeping Beauty series by Anne Rice. I finally found a store online, that I'm comfortable ordering from and trust, and as such I broke down and bought the first book. After of course squeeing delightfully at discovering they even carried it!
I devoured that book in less than a day. I plan to order the next two shortly and hopefully take them up to Caels with me. They grab me and don't let me out of the story, which is perfect for going up to see him when he needs time alone. No problem, I gots my book! I did discover however, that these books put me in a very submissive mindset. Yes, even more than usual. Reading about the punishments and the pleasures, the surrendering and the fighting.. it's an amazingly engulfing BDSM store tale.
This has of course inspired me to go looking around the EdenFantasys site and see what else they have for books. I mean, yes they have sex toys but clearly I have missed some very important parts of this site if I am just now noticing they carry these books!
The books I am talking about are The Sleeping Beauty series by Anne Rice. I finally found a store online, that I'm comfortable ordering from and trust, and as such I broke down and bought the first book. After of course squeeing delightfully at discovering they even carried it!
I devoured that book in less than a day. I plan to order the next two shortly and hopefully take them up to Caels with me. They grab me and don't let me out of the story, which is perfect for going up to see him when he needs time alone. No problem, I gots my book! I did discover however, that these books put me in a very submissive mindset. Yes, even more than usual. Reading about the punishments and the pleasures, the surrendering and the fighting.. it's an amazingly engulfing BDSM store tale.
This has of course inspired me to go looking around the EdenFantasys site and see what else they have for books. I mean, yes they have sex toys but clearly I have missed some very important parts of this site if I am just now noticing they carry these books!
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Well, Damn
I'm trying to remember the last time I made a post about a positive topic that didn't somehow mention the shittyness that has been the last year. It's been a while. Things have been crazy for quite a long time.
As I mentioned Cael is home. The surgery went okay, he has some left over issues from it that will need rehab for a long time but it could have been a lot worse. They think they've finally fixed the problem that he was having, I'm hopeful... if only because I want him to be okay and not be the wreck I am when he's having these surgeries.
I'm planning to go up and see him in March, it could be a week it could be a month. We don't know for sure yet. With how busy he is I'm kinda hoping for the month so I can spend a good amount of time with him. He's not too enthused about me seeing him right now with the issues he's having from the surgery. I'm not too enthused about him seeing me with the weight on.. I'm hoping we'll both get over it and be a wreck together :)
My grandmother and Lady Di are wanting to take me up to a near by city at some point to go shopping for my birthday. It was the 17th of January. There wasn't much celebrating, needless to say.
As far as eating disorders.. I'm doing okay. Yesterday was bad. Really bad. But it's the first bad day I've had in a bit so all in all.. I'm okay. I'm back to the weight I was before I Gained it all back. I've dropped 36 in the last year. Not great, but not bad either. I'm hoping to get rid of some more before I go up to see Cael. I'm limiting my dairy. I've realized lately that I eat quite a bit of cheese, and that's just not good. Especially since I have a minor dairy allergy. I can't eat ice cream without having trouble breathing, same with just drinking milk. Yogurt I seem to be okay with though. I've been getting the greek yogurt so it's better for me and has less sugar than a lot of the other ones I used to buy. Sour cream I use now and then, it's not over board and I don't use huge amounts when it is eaten so I'm alright there though I could replace it with greek yogurt and probably be okay. My issue, really is cheese. I love cheese. It's great for protein, but I think if I cut down on it I'll lose weight. The allergy makes it build up in my system so the weight builds too. I guess we'll see what happens. I'm also trying to go every other day where other than supper I just have smoothies or meal replacement shakes. It would help cut down on the dairy (I plan to replace what little milk I drink with Almond or Soy milk) and probably help with the weight loss. I wont do it every day because that's just unrealistic and would make me gain all the weight back when I go back to eating normally again. I'm also cutting out as much processed, boxed food as I can. We don't eat a lot of it as is around here but we can still have less. ... and ya know, exercise. Gods do I have a hard time getting that going -.-
Other than that the only thing really going on is quite a few reviews that need done/are upcoming. Thus far I have :
Vibrating Panties
The Big Boss
Blue Liberator Jaz
Vibrating Mood Light
Bcute Pearl
So, I may be perhaps a little behind on reviews. *ahem*
As I mentioned Cael is home. The surgery went okay, he has some left over issues from it that will need rehab for a long time but it could have been a lot worse. They think they've finally fixed the problem that he was having, I'm hopeful... if only because I want him to be okay and not be the wreck I am when he's having these surgeries.
I'm planning to go up and see him in March, it could be a week it could be a month. We don't know for sure yet. With how busy he is I'm kinda hoping for the month so I can spend a good amount of time with him. He's not too enthused about me seeing him right now with the issues he's having from the surgery. I'm not too enthused about him seeing me with the weight on.. I'm hoping we'll both get over it and be a wreck together :)
My grandmother and Lady Di are wanting to take me up to a near by city at some point to go shopping for my birthday. It was the 17th of January. There wasn't much celebrating, needless to say.
As far as eating disorders.. I'm doing okay. Yesterday was bad. Really bad. But it's the first bad day I've had in a bit so all in all.. I'm okay. I'm back to the weight I was before I Gained it all back. I've dropped 36 in the last year. Not great, but not bad either. I'm hoping to get rid of some more before I go up to see Cael. I'm limiting my dairy. I've realized lately that I eat quite a bit of cheese, and that's just not good. Especially since I have a minor dairy allergy. I can't eat ice cream without having trouble breathing, same with just drinking milk. Yogurt I seem to be okay with though. I've been getting the greek yogurt so it's better for me and has less sugar than a lot of the other ones I used to buy. Sour cream I use now and then, it's not over board and I don't use huge amounts when it is eaten so I'm alright there though I could replace it with greek yogurt and probably be okay. My issue, really is cheese. I love cheese. It's great for protein, but I think if I cut down on it I'll lose weight. The allergy makes it build up in my system so the weight builds too. I guess we'll see what happens. I'm also trying to go every other day where other than supper I just have smoothies or meal replacement shakes. It would help cut down on the dairy (I plan to replace what little milk I drink with Almond or Soy milk) and probably help with the weight loss. I wont do it every day because that's just unrealistic and would make me gain all the weight back when I go back to eating normally again. I'm also cutting out as much processed, boxed food as I can. We don't eat a lot of it as is around here but we can still have less. ... and ya know, exercise. Gods do I have a hard time getting that going -.-
Other than that the only thing really going on is quite a few reviews that need done/are upcoming. Thus far I have :
Vibrating Panties
The Big Boss
Blue Liberator Jaz
Vibrating Mood Light
Bcute Pearl
So, I may be perhaps a little behind on reviews. *ahem*
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Ready
I have a family member that's overseas, fighting. I've been thinking a lot about it lately. Not him specifically, not the reasons that he's there either. I've been thinking about what he told me last time he came home.
Why am I thinking about this? Because the last year and a little bit has been a war zone. There are very few people that I tell absolutely everything too, in fact I think that the only person I really do tell everything to is Cael. But there are close seconds for a few people. They've told me they think that I'm a strong person for going through everything and still remain functioning. Can you really be a strong person if you never really stop and look around at the carnage?
I'm not saying I haven't stumbled over a blown off limb, or tripped and set off a bomb. I totally have. There have been explosions. I have paused and cried for a few minutes before patching myself back up and pushing forward. Other times I haven't pushed forward so much as just maintained my ground, not giving any of it up. The last year has had everything from almost losing Cael several times. Both when he was trying to sort himself out and then again when he had an accident and needed invasive brain surgery. I went for weeks where I didn't know if he was alive or dead. Then somebody finally answered his phone and just made things worse. On top of that for Cael things, he had another surgery a while back, some stomach problems, broken bones and then the usual arguments that such that relationships tend to bring. I've had to adjust to having to share him until I can either get up there on a regular basis or move, and some days that still hurts. I don't like sharing him, and he knows that. He's also had some really bad bouts with other issues that I haven't mentioned on here that have taken him away for months at a time, sometimes putting him in the hospital. Then there's been struggling with my weight, and my eating disorders and a multitude of family issues, some I've mentioned, some I haven't.
It hasn't been an easy year. I'm ready to stop fighting, but I haven't. You don't stop in the middle of a war zone. Sometimes you can't save everything or everybody. For the most part I stepped over bodies and moved forward to help Cael, to make sure he and I got through it. I don't regret that at all. Not one bit. He's where I want to be. I'm ready to move. To be with him and have him to myself. I'm ready to stop being thrown into the battles of everybody else. I know there will be people that I cut myself off from when I move, and I'm ready for that. It can't be done now because they're too close. When I move I will have 5 hours between us, have somebody to put above them more so than I do now. He still comes first but they still are able to worm in. Those little worm holes get closed when I move.
I plan to go up and see Cael for a while in March. It may be a fairly long visit, and I can feel it already. Feel that when I leave and come back here may not feel like home anymore. And I'm okay with that. I'm ready for it. Ready to go home, done with the war.
You don't stop and think in the middle of a war zone. You fight, you move forward and gain ground. You act, and keep it together so you and as many people as possible make it out to the other side.
Why am I thinking about this? Because the last year and a little bit has been a war zone. There are very few people that I tell absolutely everything too, in fact I think that the only person I really do tell everything to is Cael. But there are close seconds for a few people. They've told me they think that I'm a strong person for going through everything and still remain functioning. Can you really be a strong person if you never really stop and look around at the carnage?
I'm not saying I haven't stumbled over a blown off limb, or tripped and set off a bomb. I totally have. There have been explosions. I have paused and cried for a few minutes before patching myself back up and pushing forward. Other times I haven't pushed forward so much as just maintained my ground, not giving any of it up. The last year has had everything from almost losing Cael several times. Both when he was trying to sort himself out and then again when he had an accident and needed invasive brain surgery. I went for weeks where I didn't know if he was alive or dead. Then somebody finally answered his phone and just made things worse. On top of that for Cael things, he had another surgery a while back, some stomach problems, broken bones and then the usual arguments that such that relationships tend to bring. I've had to adjust to having to share him until I can either get up there on a regular basis or move, and some days that still hurts. I don't like sharing him, and he knows that. He's also had some really bad bouts with other issues that I haven't mentioned on here that have taken him away for months at a time, sometimes putting him in the hospital. Then there's been struggling with my weight, and my eating disorders and a multitude of family issues, some I've mentioned, some I haven't.
It hasn't been an easy year. I'm ready to stop fighting, but I haven't. You don't stop in the middle of a war zone. Sometimes you can't save everything or everybody. For the most part I stepped over bodies and moved forward to help Cael, to make sure he and I got through it. I don't regret that at all. Not one bit. He's where I want to be. I'm ready to move. To be with him and have him to myself. I'm ready to stop being thrown into the battles of everybody else. I know there will be people that I cut myself off from when I move, and I'm ready for that. It can't be done now because they're too close. When I move I will have 5 hours between us, have somebody to put above them more so than I do now. He still comes first but they still are able to worm in. Those little worm holes get closed when I move.
I plan to go up and see Cael for a while in March. It may be a fairly long visit, and I can feel it already. Feel that when I leave and come back here may not feel like home anymore. And I'm okay with that. I'm ready for it. Ready to go home, done with the war.
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