Rough

I am having a really, really hard time transitioning from being at Caels to being back at home. The slip up he had hasn't helped (which no I haven't specified what it was and I probably wont here.) I'm sure so it may not be as bad next time. But it upset me. I'm still upset. I understand it, but it still hurt a lot. Still made me angry and cry. It's not going to be easy going through things together but being together is worth it.

His phone is fucking up so we can't talk like we normally do at night.. that's not helping either. I just... miss him. But it's not that simple either. I miss the smell of his apartment, the scent of him in the bed, blankets and couch. The scent of the wood burning fireplace. His body wash after he showers. I miss watching him get dressed, and undressed. I miss watching him crawl up the bed to me. I miss feeling him move in the bed, being able to reach over touch him, having him reach for me in the middle of the night. I miss being able to play with his body hair whether it's in bed or on the couch. I've adjusted to his schedule.. I wake up at 5 every morning.. I miss rolling over and snuggling up to him, pressing close so I breathe him in. I miss listening to him snore and chuckle in his sleep. It lulled me into sleep every night almost instantly... I'm back to not sleeping again. I even miss the clothes on the floor, the beard clippings on the counters and his cluttered coffee table. I miss watching movies and shows with him and having him tell me obscure facts about them.

Like I said, I am having a really hard time adjusting to being home. I bawled the entire time I wrote this. I was totally fine being alone all day and having him at night. I honestly don't care if I go up there and he works all week and is busy most of the weekend with club stuff and whatever...I'm happy with my nights with him. I was told what I'm having is sub drop. Which in part it may be. There wasn't play but there was definite submissive feelings. I felt.. right... good.. okay. I haven't had near the body issues since I got home from seeing him than I did when I went up. He makes me feel good.. wanted. I miss that. A lot.

I'm sure I'm taking this harder this time because of the drama we've had all week, and pms but either way... it's rough. In fact, I'm off to go curl up in bed and cry some more. Because I'm a wuss, and a suck.