Censorship

I haven't been posting lately and I finally realized why. I've been censoring myself. This is my place to write, to get things out. So why I'm censoring I'm not sure. Fear of repercussion maybe? Well, I'm done with that. I have no reason not to talk here. If people are reading it and get upset.. well, too fucking bad.  I don't want to hear about it, from anybody whether I know you in person or not. I've been avoiding questions, yet again.. not doing that anymore.

The first question I get is why I don't write as much anymore. For the most part, that right there is my answer. Some is inspiration, and lack of activities to share but most of it is not wanting to deal with backlash from some people.

The second, and more popular question is what happened with Cael? Well, quite frankly a lot. A lot of it I hid from here because people didn't need to know or I wasn't in the right space with it to share. But this last time? I went up there and he told me we couldn't have sex. Literally the day after I left he cheated on me. He came back and told me and we broke up not long after that because "he can't work on himself when he's worried he's going to hurt me," and so on. This was after we broke up the first time and he came crawling back. We decided to work on the friendship. It was going well, we were friends again.. we trusted each other again and started adding parts of a real relationship back into it. He was actually treating me like a GF, not just somebody he hides away and takes out when he's bored like he was before. I was happy for the first time in years, then one day he comes home and tells me that he went on a date with a girl (that he lied about by the way. I was told he was doing one thing when he was doing another,) and he was going to see her again, that she was great for him, and he can't stay away. He went on to gush about her, which was lovely of him btw and that he wanted to be friends. I told him to leave me alone and that I needed time  to get to that point. Well, a little over a month went by. I was finally getting to the point where I could maybe talk to him and not bawl, or get angry or set myself back in any ways. I went camping and came home to see that he'd deleted me on facebook. That? Was the icing on the asshole cake.

I


 still have his cell number. I could text him, but I wont. Why? Because I KNOW why he deleted me. I know the excuse and brush off I'm going to get, and quite honestly I don't want to deal with it. I know him well. I know what I'd be told and why. I know most everything including things he didn't tell me. Like I know the reason he came back the first time was he was lonely because nobody else just fell at his feet and let him use them whenever he wanted. He didn't "need me and miss me" he missed how I treated him because nobody else would treat him like I did, would make him their top priority like I did. He used me to get what he wanted and he's done it time and time again but I always went with it hoping on the odd chance that it'd work out. He used me for play time when nobody else was available. He used me until he found a "real gf." He lied to me, a lot. I over looked 98% of it and never said a thing because I loved him and hoped he'd sort himself out. He finally started to and he left. For the last time. I am not doing this with him again. The emotional abuse was too much. He finally killed any sort of love I felt for him. I feel used. If he loved me like he said he did he never would have been able to do the things he did to me. Ever. He treated me like shit for a long, long time. I'm  out. I'm done. That is why we're finished and even now I could write more... pages and pages more. That's how much he's done in the last few years. I don't need that and I wont take it. I am the kind of person that when I love somebody I will do anything to make it work, to fix things. He'd take advantage of that and then stop working to fix things after a bit and back slide and I'd let him do it because I liked being with him. At this point, I really dare him to try coming back again. I'm not the same person anymore and it's entirely his fault. He killed that part of me for him.

In the big picture, I'm totally fine. I'm not upset about it anymore. But some effects linger. I still randomly cry. Not over him and the break up, but for no reason. It started about 2 years ago. He had me so wound up with what was happening to me/him/us and all the lies and BS he pulled that I couldn't cry. I was too tightly wound. The only time I could cry was when something affected me.. a song, a book, a show. It didn't even have to be sad. Just an emotional chink in the wall and it'd come rushing through. I was NEVER like that before. I very rarely if ever cried, pain and death weren't even enough to do it. And now, I cry at the drop of a hat. I don't know how to stop and unwind myself emotionally. The dam cracks and I cry a bit and patch it up simultaneously. I don't know how to stop that process. I don't know how to unwind and come back to center. Quite honestly, with everything that happened I do need therapy. I know I am emotionally fucked up, probably some mental shit as well. This at the very least has taught me self preservation. You can damn well bet the next time I'm going to choose me every time.


I'm going to do my best from now on to write more. I have no reason to censor myself so we'll see how it goes.