I'm not going to lie. I have absolutely been avoiding this place like the plague for the last oh.. month. And even before then to tell you the truth. I'm going to do this post in bullet points to get it out because there is so much to tell but not a lot of stuff that I can go into details with. To be honest, it's been a really, really rough year and the last month has really amped it up in even more unpleasant and terrifying ways.
- You'll notice that the list of rules that used to run down the left side of the blog are gone now yes? That's because it was easier to just delete them than to have to go through and rewrite.
- The reason those are now gone? I am no longer in an M/s or D/s or any kind of BDSM relationship. Cael and I are still together, we're just doing the vanilla thing until other things clear up a bit.
- When Cael first emailed me about not being my dom anymore he meant we were done. We talked for a few days and decided just to lose the Dominant and submissive aspects for a while among other things. Still though, I was a wreck. I was calm when I was talking to him.. level headed and understanding but inside I was a mess.. panicking. It was bad. It's not the dominant him that I love(I am not using luff there!). It's just him and not having him at all was terrifying to me. The day he told me I had to go to a christmas dinner (an early one). I didn't want to go.. at all. I knew I was getting things for him and I there and that was the last thing I wanted. However, two bottles of wine in and I opened the shit, shoved it behind me and moved on. I was in tears all the way out in the car and back though. It was a tough week.
- Once Cael was back and we were toying with the vanilla thing it was kind of fun. I could tease him... I could say no. He had to ask for things not demand them (though he can be dominant whenever the mood strikes him, whether the M/s is active or not I am still his, still owned.) He was sweet... he called me gorgeous and told me how much I meant to him. It was the old Cael and I enjoyed it.. a lot :).
- After the vanilla test out I didn't hear from him the next day. We agreed we didn't have to talk everyday because he's still sorting a lot of stuff out from coming out of the hospital early. So I didn't really think much of it. Turns out he didn't talk to me because he was in an accident. He goes in a few days to have invasive brain surgery because he undid the fix they had done the last time he had to have surgery. I am absolutely terrified. Needless to say he hasn't said anything in days. I know he's scared.. who wouldn't be? I do appreciate that he took the time out to tell me instead of just withdrawing though. I do however hate not knowing when he has the surgery because when he told me it was just an approximate idea and we haven't talked since. I hate that since the person who normally texts me to let me know that the surgery went okay is gone, I will have no way of knowing if something goes wrong.
- Christmas day without Cael was really rough. I spent half the day with the "Don't bawl" chant in my head. On top of that there was just a lot of favoritism and stupidity and bullshit I just didn't have the patience for. I left early and everybody thought I was pissed off.. I was irritated but not pissed off. Especially listening to my aunt who recently dropped over 100 pounds complain about being fat and the whole conversation surrounding it. They always seem to totally zap my self esteem somehow. Mostly though, it was just too hard watching couples be lovey dovey, and not even be able to talk to Cael. My uncle asked me if that was what the problem was but I said no and walked away. I couldn't say yes.. I'd have started to bawl. That was the last thing I needed.
- I'm so drained emotionally and mentally and even physically I've had three people ask if I either have a broken nose or have been punched and have a black eye. It looks like I do. Around my eyes is pretty damn dark.. and it's not from lack of sleep. I'm just drained. You know the phrase "Hollowed Eyes" ? I literally have them at this point. It has been a rough year.
- I'm like a raw nerve lately. Anything anybody says pricks me more than normal and as a result I get hurt more and it makes me more raw and it's a vicious circle.
Oh, and the first person that tells me to leave Cael because it's too hard gets their face introduced to a brick wall Mmm'kay?