Wednesday, December 28, 2011


I suppose I should update.

I'm not going to lie. I have absolutely been avoiding this place like the plague for the last oh.. month.  And even before then to tell you the truth.  I'm going to do this post in bullet points to get it out because there is so much to tell but not a lot of stuff that I can go into details with. To be honest, it's been a really, really rough year and the last month has really amped it up in even more unpleasant and terrifying ways.

  • You'll notice that the list of rules that used to run down the left side of the blog are gone now yes? That's because it was easier to just delete them than to have to go through and rewrite. 
  • The reason those are now gone? I am no longer in an M/s or D/s or any kind of BDSM relationship. Cael and I are still together, we're just doing the vanilla thing until other things clear up a bit. 
  • When Cael first emailed me about not being my dom anymore he meant we were done. We talked for a few days and decided just to lose the Dominant and submissive aspects for a while among other things. Still though, I was a wreck. I was calm when I was talking to him.. level headed and understanding but inside I was a mess.. panicking. It was bad. It's not the dominant him that I love(I am not using luff there!). It's just him and not having him at all was terrifying to me. The day he told me I had to go to a christmas dinner (an early one). I didn't want to go.. at all. I knew I was getting things for him and I there and that was the last thing I wanted. However, two bottles of wine in and I opened the shit, shoved it behind me and moved on. I was in tears all the way out in the car and back though. It was a tough week. 
  • Once Cael was back and we were toying with the vanilla thing it was kind of fun. I could tease him... I could say no. He had to ask for things not demand them (though he can be dominant whenever the mood strikes him, whether the M/s is active or not I am still his, still owned.) He was sweet... he called me gorgeous and told me how much I meant to him. It was the old Cael and I enjoyed it.. a lot :).
  • After the vanilla test out I didn't hear from him the next day.  We agreed we didn't have to talk everyday because he's still sorting a lot of stuff out from coming out of the hospital early. So I didn't really think much of it. Turns out he didn't talk to me because he was in an accident. He goes in a few days to have invasive brain surgery because he undid the fix they had done the last time he had to have surgery. I am absolutely terrified. Needless to say he hasn't said anything in days. I know he's scared.. who wouldn't be? I do appreciate that he took the time out to tell me instead of just withdrawing though. I do however hate not knowing when he has the surgery because when he told me it was just an approximate idea and we haven't talked since. I hate that since the person who normally texts me to let me know that the surgery went okay is gone, I will have no way of knowing if something goes wrong.
  • Christmas day without Cael was really rough. I spent half the day with the "Don't bawl" chant in my head. On top of that there was just a lot of favoritism and stupidity and bullshit I just didn't have the patience for. I left early and everybody thought I was pissed off.. I was irritated but not pissed off. Especially listening to my aunt who recently dropped over 100 pounds complain about being fat and the whole conversation surrounding it. They always seem to totally zap my self esteem somehow. Mostly though, it was just too hard watching couples be lovey dovey, and not even be able to talk to Cael. My uncle asked me if that was what the problem was but I said no and walked away. I couldn't say yes.. I'd have started to bawl. That was the last thing I needed. 
  • I'm so drained emotionally and mentally and even physically I've had three people ask if I either have a broken nose or have been punched and have a black eye. It looks like I do. Around my eyes is pretty damn dark.. and it's not from lack of sleep. I'm just drained. You know the phrase "Hollowed Eyes" ?  I literally have them at this point. It has been a rough year. 
  • I'm like a raw nerve lately. Anything anybody says pricks me more than normal and as a result I get hurt more and it makes me more raw and it's a vicious circle. 
So, that's about it. That's why I've been avoiding this place because I'm either going through too much to write because I can't share everything or this is the last place I want to be. I'll try to do better, but I wont make any promises. Not for a while anyways.

Oh, and the first person that tells me to leave Cael because it's too hard gets their face introduced to a brick wall Mmm'kay?

Sunday, December 11, 2011

As Promised

I have come back to post!

To be honest there really isn't a whole lot going on. Or at least I'm not finding the things that are to be important or note worthy. I'm caught in that masterless limbo. This time is different though.. I'm not even counting days like last time. I just am.. I'm waiting and I'm content to wait.  It's a weird feeling. A lot of submission mixed in there. My ass? It's owned and it's happy that way. Yes, it's hard but I would so much rather go through this and have Master than to not have him ever. I luff him to pieces, and I'm devoted to him and I'm not going anywhere. He's home to me. Even more so now since we had that blow up.. it mellowed me out in a lot of ways that we've never been able to accomplish before.. all because he got mad. It just made everything click into place for me submission wise. I think I've finally let go of that one last piece of control I was clinging to. I've always been his but I don't think there's a way back now. Not and be the same person I was before.  I miss him, but it's worth it.

I have my first Christmas coming up on Tuesday. My cousin is back from over seas so we're having an early Christmas for him. To me, because I'm pagan Christmas is just family and presents to me.. that's it really. So that should be fun.. or at least distracting.

That's really all I have right now.. I need to start blogging when I have ideas again because I had things I Wanted to blog about but I've forgotten all of them. Damn. -.-


Thursday, December 8, 2011

Haul Me In

First off, I apologize for missing posts.. not only EdenFantasys posts but regular posts. The last few weeks have been really rough and I promise to try to blog today or soon to let you all know what's going on.

Now, on to the reason I came on here.

I just got out of the shower.

I? Had a new shower buddy.

This morning the purolator guy came to my door and presented me with a 7 pound box. In this box was a towel, some body wash/bubble bath, some bath salts, and some body scrubs. That's right. No sex toys in this batch, because recently EF has started carrying whole new lines of awesome products that have nothing or very little to do with the aforementioned sex toys. Essentially, they've broadened their selection and in the process given us all more reason to shop there :)

Well, I grabbed one of the scrubs, to be specific it was the Walnut Sugar Scrub. After a few minutes in the shower it thawed out a bit. It be snowing outside...again! Now, I think part of the awesome appeal of this scrub this particular time was that it was cold. It has mint in it to begin with which has a cooling affect but add in the icicles it developed and it was all kinds of refreshing. I'm contemplating leaving it in the window sill so it happens again. The exfoliating pieces (which I assume are walnut or almond) are nicely almost rounded so it doesn't irritate your skin. I think this is something that could possibly be used every other day. Every day I think it may become damaging since it is so affective. The scent of this scrub is absolutely amazing and impossible to describe. There is mint and nut and coconut and just.. yum.

Also, did you know that they have recently started carrying makeup? They have.

This company has become SO much more than just another sex toy store. They're even supplying a good portion of my christmas presents. Candles, body wash, scrubs, back massagers, clothing... the list is almost endless.

Sexy Christmas gifts from EdenFantasys - the sex toys shop you can trust!

Thursday, December 1, 2011


So, I've been sick for a long ass time now. Feel like hell but I've gotten quite a few emails and one or two questions so I thought I should at least come on and update a little.

A quick picture update at that.

First off, see this?  These are my jeans. The bottom pair are my old jeans. The top pair are the jeans I just bought. A size smaller. I have a happy.

I got an email asking me about the color I dyed my hair. Now, it is faded..quite a bit actually. It's been months since I dyed my hair so it's more just a slight tinge at this point. Normally it's almost a candy apple-ish color when I first dye it. Next time I get permission to dye my hair I'll make sure to take a picture. ... and yes, those are my panties hanging off the laundry basket.

And finally, this is the sky in my backyard. See that coloring? That's the color it turned the day after about 7 fires burned out a lot of fields and houses and so on around us. They had finally put all the fires out and the smoke had cleared.. it's pretty in a terrifying kind of way.  If you look near the bottom left hand corner you can still see a little smoke.