Wednesday, March 31, 2010
I have a week off and plan to get myself back on track during said week. I also want to go in to a used bookstore and see what I can find. That being said I am taking suggestions for books if anybody has any?
Seeing as how I have slept like shit the last few nights (sleep two hours than I'm awake for five then just start to fall sleep then I'm woken up) I am going to leave this here and go to bed. But seriously though, book suggestions!
Monday, March 29, 2010
The lingerie I had found managed to cover everything and nothing at the same time. The best lingerie somehow manages to do that. The outfit was pink and made mostly of straps and strings. There was barely enough cloth to cover my breasts as long as I didn’t move wrong and had a small thong to go with it. The most covered area was my legs, I was wearing fishnet stockings that stretched over my calves, up my thighs and attached to a garter belt, pink to match the rest of the outfit. Daddy would love it, that was if I managed to keep him from cutting it off of me before he fully seen it.
I sat on the ground to put my makeup on, my hands shaking. Settling the robe around me like a dark lusty pool. A little sheer pink eye shadow and just a touch of eyeliner. I put copious amounts of mascara on and curled my eyelashes. I knew Daddy loved how my mascara runs from my eyes; like innocence from my body.
Staring over at the box near the bed I moved closer. This was my least favourite part of the outfit. I was dressed in straps and strings and sheer fabric; but the shoes, those were the most dangerous part of the ensemble and probably the part he would like the most. Patent black with a four-inch heel they were almost high enough for me to look him eye to eye. The top of the shoes mimicked a cage, nothing but straps and buckles, the bottoms of the shoes had red ribbon laced like a corset from the toes all the way to the heel. They were gorgeous; they were shoes that could break my neck. Luckily I didn’t plan to do much standing in the heels.
Plopping gently on the end of the bed, cursing for the millionth time Daddy’s love of firm mattresses I opened the box. Sliding the shoes on was the easy part, it took me a minute to do up all the buckles as tight as I could. The last thing I needed was to be sliding around in the death shoes. Standing I looked in the mirror one last time and shook my head. I always managed to feel like a little girl playing dress up in her mommies closet when I dressed like this, though I wasn’t sure I would have ever found an outfit like this in my mothers closet. Sighing I headed for the kitchen.
Glancing up at the clock I noticed it was almost six o’clock. I knew Daddy would be home soon. I hurried as fast as I dared in the hell shoes to get his plate set on time. I had made his steak earlier, cooking almost naked just didn’t seem to appeal to me though I’m sure Daddy had other thoughts on the subject. I spread a place mat out in front of his seat only, arranged the glasses and the champagne then lit the candles. They were large pillar candles staggering in height, lavender and lilac and one large white unscented candle. I had plans for that one later.
Setting two places at the table, right across from each other I smiled as I placed Daddy’s plate furthest into the room. It seemed fair to me, that end of the table had more space, the other was close to a wall. Daddy is taller than me; it was only logical that he got more room. I stood smiling as I looked at his place setting. I loved how little he always made me feel. Over five inches in height difference will do that to you I suppose.
Looking around, almost happy with the surroundings I went to retrieved my slave pillow from the living room. Kneeling to place it just so on the kitchen floor beside Daddy’s chair then stood up. Again I glanced at the clock. Shutting all the lights off I hurried into the living room, I sat in the middle of the floor on my knees, being careful not to hook my heels into my outfit. Spreading my legs enough to give Daddy the view he would want. I lowered my body down to the floor until my ass was my highest part. Finishing off the position I brought my hands back behind me and clasped them over my back.
Hearing Daddy’s car door slam outside I took a deep breath and put my face against the carpet so I couldn’t see him as he walked in. I didn’t realize I had stopped breathing until he opened the door and I gasped from the air rushing back into my lungs. I struggled to stay in place and not look up as he walked into the room. There wasn’t a light on in the house but there was enough light streaming in through the windows I could see his shadow as he started into the room towards me.
I bit my bottom lip as I listened to him walk closer. My heart was pounding hard enough I could hear it in my ears, rushing, drowning out all other noise and my legs were starting to cramp. Just before Daddy reached me he turned and walked towards the kitchen, causing me to whimper for his attention, only his shadow giving me a moment's attention before it too moved on. I heard his coat land on the couch, probably tossed as he walked by. I heard the creak of the floor as he walked across the kitchen quickly followed by the pop of the champagne cork. Seconds later I heard the splash as he filled the glasses. My breathing slowed as I listened to him move around, his presence alone enough to calm me. The fear I had held on to of him not liking my surprise subsided the more he explored.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Everytime I sat down to read or write my mind would start to wander. Somehow it always ended up in the same place. I tried all day to work and not think about Daddy. I failed miserably.
I would sit in front of my paper or keyboard and thirty minutes later I'd snap back into reality a little breathless and more and more excited. I keep going back to our first date, it was months into the actual relationship before he actually got here so we could see each other. He picked me up from my house and took me to a movie. We made it about a block from my house before he was laughing at how nervous I was. Pulling the vehicle over he got out and came to my side, pulling me out into a hug that did nothing to stop the nerves. On the way to the theatre he was grabbing for my hand, kissing my knuckles and teasing me. I was slowly relaxing.
Walking up to the building I walked beside him and reached the door first, I was reaching my hand out for the handle when he grabbed it and opened the door for me. I looked at him and said "I can open my own doors ya know," to which he smiled and said "I know you can, did I imply that you couldn't open a door?" In my defense I have never had doors opened for me, it was new... I get defensive when things are new and make me uncomfortable. By the time we got in to the theatre I was pretty relaxed and it took all I had to not snuggle up to the back of him waiting in line for the tickets. We were about 40 minutes early for the movie so we had to sit at the little tables across from the concession stand. He was talking about movies and 3D developments... I was listening and smiling at the cute geekyness that shows through with him and he stopped and looked at me. I don't remember exactly what he said seeing as how it was quite some time ago but it came down to him jokingly asking if I had changed my mind about liking him and wanting to be with him because he was a geek. I smiled and said "Nope, I've known you were a geek for quite some time, this was not a new developement." At which point, he laughed at me. (This was the beginning of hours of enjoyment of laughing at my expense which by the way he still does regularly.)
When we got up from the table he stepped to the side and waited for me to walk in front of him. I stopped and looked at him, again a little lost with how polite he is in general and with me. (Really, it's just one big mind fuck. He will open the door for me but once inside will bruise me....his logic is astounding.) We cuddled in the theatre and talked about random things. I was cuddled up to his side watching the stupid little commercial type things they play before the previews and felt his hand on my jaw, bringing my mouth to his. I can't honestly tell you how long the kiss lasted or whether there was tongue or not, there was so much kissing that night and it's been long enough since it happened that all I know was that I loved it. He moved his hand to my throat and started to squeeze, looking me in the eyes as I gasped and made a very girly squeak sound. He smiled at me and responded with "Oh I like that." As the previews started he pulled me closer to him and moved my hand to sit on his thigh. From that point on I seen very little of the movie. I spent most of the movie with a hand around my throat, and tongue in my mouth. About half was through the movie he leaned over and wrapped his hand around my throat and brought my mouth to his. We were both smiling and it was a playful kiss, that was until I nipped his lip. He made a sound deep in his throat that wasn't quite a groan and pulled my mouth to his harder, pressing his mouth to mine hard enough his teeth pressed up against my lips until I whimpered. This was the kiss I have been thinking about all day today. At some point during the movie my hand ended up in his lap, squeezing and playing then finally(!!!!) ended up inside of his pants. His hands roamed my entire body, squeezing my chest and then down between my legs, pressing hard against my clit through my pants. By the time we were done I was soaked and he definitely noticed it.
My concentration was shot as soon as he started touching and kissing me. I seen enough of the movie that I followed it, understood it... but missed a hell of a lot of it. But somehow I just didn't mind.
We left the movie and went to a restaurant. I wasn't hungry but master hadn't eaten all day. This was not a high point on our date. We didn't talk for about half an hour because he has a little bit of irritating streak. We were talking about him being moved to another city. At this time he had been refusing to straight out tell me that he wouldn't date anybody while there and he made a joke about dating somebody there. I was not pleased. I told him we could talk again when he apologized. So he ate in silence. Then we walked in silence to the vehicle before he finally broke and asked me what I wanted him to say....laughing that whole time mind you. I know he was being an ass and joking about dating.. but ya know, iffy topic to begin with... then refusing to tell me he wouldn't date anybody... that set off my stubborn streak.
Once we were speaking again (yep, first date and I was refusing to talk to him... I've told you people that he loves to annoy and tease!) we were driving down the road...way too fast by the way... and I had no idea where we were going. We were in the middle of nowhere, it was dark and he wouldn't tell me where I was being taken. Slightly nerve-racking.
When he stopped we were at the entrance to a park. After trying to kiss and play in the vehicle... that was so not set up for it we gave up and headed for a hill. We made it about twenty feet before I promptly stepped in a hole and fell down. (My mother always told me to be myself on a date and boy was I!) As I was stepping in the hole and falling he was telling me not to step there. Yeah, thanks! We went another few feet before he decided it was far enough...probably worried I would fall down the hill. Totally reasonable by the way.
I ended up on my back, his mouth on mine, his tongue in my mouth. This of course only lasted a few minutes, he very quickly grew tired of this and I discovered why he drove me so far out from the houses. He undid my pants and slid his hand inside my panties, finding my clit pretty much instantly. He flicked, and squeezed and slid his fingers inside me now and then but still wasn't satisfied. He took his fingers from inside me and moved up to my clit, baring it from its hood and started rubbing hard right over the most sensitive spot. It lasted a couple minutes before I started moving my hips and gasping. A few minutes more and I was begging him to just finger me, not tease me. Which he did...once. Then retreated back to my clit. I started begging more and yelling "Daddy" which was followed by a smirk and a pleased noise from him. I started trying to roll away and he grabbed my hip, asking me where I thought I was going and told me not to move. This did not happen, but i didn't roll away, I started to roll into him.
Finally he was done, my clit was raw and I was soaked. He moved onto his back and let me stroke him and suck on him for a while. He doesn't orgasm easily, he's never had a girl be able to make him orgasm without sex so after a while he took over. (He still had to drive two hours home)I actually got to watch him orgasm for the first time instead of just listening to him, every nerve in my body was twitching. It took everything I had to stand up and walk back to the vehicle, his hand finding my ass on the way there smacking gently. All in all, good first date...even if we both did end up going home with grass in bad places.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Am I drinking? No, I'm not allowed to drink. (Caloric intake and all) It's from a song that just seems to be able to put me in a bit of a better mood. Maybe because it's a little smug? Seems I'm partial to smug *Looks in masters direction (Yes, I can look that far. I have Go-Go-Gadget eyeballs.)* By the way, the fact that I'm shit with direction and am probably not looking anywhere near masters direction does not factor in here. I always glare in masters direction over my right shoulder so that's just where he is damn it!
I'm not particularly in a better mood, I'm just slightly giddy. Being awake over 12 hours, staring at books and a computer screen will do that to ya.
I've decided something, as long as master is gone... I am going to have a shit mood, but I just have to pick myself up and not dwell in it all the time. Generally I'm pretty good at this, but the last month has knocked me on my ass pretty damn hard.
Sitting here just before I started this post I realized why my diet is shit lately. Master isn't in control right now, I am. (He of course is in charge but he's been too busy to control and take charge of things like he normally does) Without reporting and asking for permission (which I'm still supposed to do but for a while there texting and getting no response just upset me, I need to start doing it again) or having to pass my exercises by him,.....really, just without him being there, in control, supportive and ever-present... I'm floundering right now(did anybody else just picture the fish from the little mermaid? I seriously can't be the only one am I?). I start out good in the morning and lose it at night because he's not right behind me, right there with me. He still supports me, I know he does, that's not the issue. The issue is that he is the driving force....without that force I'm either stalled or sliding backwards. This is totally not an excuse by the way, just something that I've realized. I'm moving forward with the work I need to get done but the weight... the weight is not going anywhere except back on lately. I lose a pound or two, then gain it back..sometimes plus a pound. I think the reason for this is, the work is mine.... he has nothing to do with that unless I need something from him and ask. The weight... the weight he is a huge part of and that part is missing right now. I'm having trouble finding my motivation without him there. The number on the scale scares me, yes. But that doesn't seem to be enough... how sad is that!?
Him being gone this long was trying from the start, but this last month.. I've learnt me some things. FIRST I am beyond a doubt submissive. I have a stubborn streak a mile wide and am independent and can hold my own... but once I give something up to master...it's his. I have given all of me. Anything that he controlled and has had to draw back from (Which I am not upset about by the way, he needs to work, he's going to be busy, I understand that and it doesn't upset me.) I don't know what to do with at first when I'm suddenly back in control. Some of those things come back easily, others do not such as diet(snarles). SECOND Master is the most important person in my life. I can go without speaking to other people for weeks, sometimes months before I realize we haven't talked. Not self-absorbed, just not a big people person. (Shocking, I know! I can hear the gasps!) Master is the only man/person for a lot of things for me. Things I previously hid from everybody and kept for myself, he knows of, has done, seen or will in the future. He is in my bubble. I have two bubbles, there is the big bubble with family, friends and the like in it though they are few. (Some are close to that bubble but not quite in.... kinda like when you were five and pressed your face against the windows that your mother just cleaned and your face was all smushed and distorted? yeah, that's what most people are like) Then, there is the second bubble. A year and a half ago that bubble was my bubble. There was nobody in that tiny bubble but me. Daddy is now in that bubble.
I will end this post with a quote *Clears throat* "Bubbles! Bubbles! Bubbles! My Bubbles!"
Friday, March 26, 2010
I go through my day with my nose buried in books and able to ignore everything around me. Nights though, nights suck. I curl up in bed and it hits me that daddy and I haven't been able to really talk to each other in a month. A month is a long time. Before this when I would mention him to other people I had to watch. It was more natural for me to call him daddy than his real name. If I didn't watch it would slip out. Now, his real name is becoming more natural to me. I don't like that.
Right now, I'm faking my way through the day, text master whenever I can hoping for a response, crawl into bed at night, text some more, tear up a little and then fight to go to sleep. I'm having trouble sleeping because I miss him, I miss his control and I miss home. He is home to me. I lay awake thinking (despite my best efforts) about him, it doesn't seem to matter how tired I am either.
Theres nothing I would like to do more than to just curl up and sleep and wait for him to come home. But I can't. I don't have that luxury. I have things I need to get done, I'm expected to get up and behave and do these tasks. And I will, as much as I hate it I will.
Now, at the risk of becoming even more sobby I'm ending this here. It may be a few days before I post again, I hate whining and I seem to be doing an awful lot of it lately. I'd like to wait until this subsides.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
I've decided that I am going to occasionally post pictures and calorie counts of my meals. I won't be doing this everyday and not even every meal. It's so I can keep track of how my eating habits change through my diet. Right now I have a 400 calorie limit on my meals. I can be below the limit and slightly above but I aim for 400. That seems to keep me full enough that I'm not snacking and gives me 1200 calories at the end of the day at least which is the lowest amount a female should be having. This was breakfast :
[caption id="attachment_77" align="alignnone" width="300" caption="Yogurt, Banana, Kiwi, Almonds and Mango Acai Tea. 391 Calories. "][/caption]
Besides my meal and tea you can see my diet book. I write down everything I eat and drink in there. It's helped me find patterns in my eating. For instance the last three weeks I've either not entered food or only done breakfast. The worse my mood is the crappier I eat. You can see my phone too. I text daddy before every meal letting him know what I'm having and what the calories are. He rarely tells me I can't have what I want but it has happened. Which is why I generally text before I make my plate. Putting effort into something and then not getting it just sucks. Of course, this meal didn't take effort at all. My dinner will though,I may post that, I'm not certain yet. It really depends on how enthusiastic I feel when I am through making it.
These posts wont replace my regular ones. I think I will either add another page to put them on if they seem to be popular or just stick them at the top of a normal post. Not sure yet.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
I have a crap load of writing assignments I need to get done in the next few months so those are getting first priority. Especially since I have been putting them off because I didn't want to do them. It's no longer a want type thing it's a have to type thing.
I've also decided that exercise needs to be a priority. When I'm going to fit it in... well, I don't know. That has yet to be seen because of the above writing assignments. Even if it's just a walk or some stretching I will do something everyday. Once I get all of my writing done then I will be able to focus more on the exercise. The exercise is really in the third spot.
Since the exercise is an iffy thing right now, second spot has to be eating differently. I went shopping today and bought food. Not the crap everybody else in this house eats, I bought real food that I think master would be proud of. I got a bag of oranges,about 6 kiwi's and lemon. Some asparagus, carrots, cucumber, mushrooms,portobello mushroom tops (oh how I have yummy plans for you!) a pepper and some spinach. I also got some chicken to be stuffed with mushrooms, sun-dried tomato and cheese. I now also have almonds and salmon.
I regularly eat fairly well, I'm not a junk food person generally. BUT! ever since master imposed a calorie limit per meal.. I've really had to look at what I'm putting into my body. I used to make one meal at dinner time and everybody had the same thing. I can no longer do that. I have to make two meals, one for myself and one for everybody else. This is because I finally started looking at labels a year ago. If I had one meal with my family... I would be out of calories for the whole day. My father and brother are very much meat and potatoes people. My mom kinda eats whatever is cooked.. but the boys do not. I sat and figured it out the other day, if I continued to eat the meals with my family... I would weigh over 300 pounds in the next year. They don't necessarily eat badly, I make sure there are veggies and such... but their diet is high in red meat and cheese, and pasta and bread and the boys eat quite a bit of junk. Typical diet really of people who don't pay attention or don't care.All things that are not good when most of your day is spent inside at a computer. I'm learning to care.
In an attempt to not go insane with lack of master I am also going to be planting a patio garden in pots and the like. (First time I typed that it was "pot garden" so not what I meant to say!) This will help with giving me something to do and my diet. I love veggies, growing them is an obvious choice. I just have no idea how the hell to do it or when I can do it without the cold killing my plants. Trial and error I suppose.
I'm taking steps in the right direction.. little steps... don't want to break myself after all. I've been told my trade in value is the shits :)
Ps. Nilla, I followed you on twitter but it's not showing your tweets on my page. I are annoyed!
Sunday, March 21, 2010
I have been asked why I stay with master if we barely see each other, how I can do it and still want to be here with him. Some of my own family are asking similar questions, they're worried about how controlling he is with me and that I've been sad lately and not going out like I used to.
I'm addressing these things here even though none of those people will read this mostly because I need somewhere to vent.
Master has been gone 6 months (7 months? Long ass time? Same crap different pile people. It all sucks...erm.. stinks? Anyhow, ) and I didn't get to see much of him before he left but ya know what? It really doesn't matter to me. It wouldn't matter to me if he was gone a year or more. He is who I am with and he is who I intend to stay with. He treats me better than anybody else ever has and allows me to be myself. It may not be something he takes well to but he knows that I love him, and I know that he loves me (He's always managed to say it without ever saying it, sly fox that one. Though "devil" suits him better.) I absolutely refuse to just walk away from my relationship just because it's being challenged right now. If you walk away every time something gets hard how much did that relationship really mean to you and how much does your loyalty really mean? On top of the that, I actually cannot walk away. I'm owned, I'm property....that doesn't just walk away. I know if I really wanted to go daddy would let me, but I don't. Not one fibre of my being wants to leave. I am happier now than I ever have been even though he is thousands of miles away and we can't talk right now. As for how I can do it? It's hard, but daddy is more than worth it. If I didn't think that I wouldn't still be here.
One of my rules requires me to text master before I eat, this rule hasn't been happening for obvious reasons but when it was it didn't matter where I was I would stop and ask. Because of this my family has asked about it. I finally just told them that he was helping me with my diet and we figured that if I can't work up the courage to ask for food than I probably shouldn't be having what I was. Which, is the truth really. They also question why I'm suddenly willing to move between 2 and 5 hours away from home, why I'm suddenly acting girlier and cutting my hair shorter. My grandmother cautioned me about marrying a controlling man, my dad told me to be careful, that some guys act like they own you when you move in with them(took everything I had not to laugh and say that he already owns me). It's nice that they care, but it's really none of their business. They all talk about meeting master and as long as he ____ or _____ they wont have a problem with him. I just shake my head and walk away. These are people who have no right and no qualifications to even be offering relationship advice. Nobody seems to grasp the fact that I don't care what they think of him. What matters is what I think.
All of these things are making moving hours away sound like a great idea. Distance from the drama, from the two facedness and insanity. Trying to force me into things and telling me what to do does not go over well, all it does is make me want to spend less and less time with these people. I'm not five, and yes you may have 20 or 30 years on me but my maturity level is much higher than some of the 40 year olds in my life, age does not give anybody the right to tell anybody what to do.
Now, onto the post I intended to make.
Today I was supposed to hang out with a friend. This friend never showed up and hasn't been answering texts all day. I don't particularly care but if you aren't going to show up at least send a text saying as such. It's possible he got busy.. or forgot or got nervous. Last time we spent time together he told me that I make him nervous. When I asked why he said because "you're you." I don't know what the hell that means but either way, I ended up doing random things today. I did a little typing, some cleaning, made cabbage rolls and did some flyer shopping. I found a small air purifier for $20...extremely cheap. Even the biggest one if only $50, any other ones I have found have started at $60. Hopefully that will help with my allergies and such.
Other than that I have done some thinking. I've decided to try a partial raw foods diet. Partial because I know I will eventually have to eat cooked food again(and raw meat makes me cringe) and I know how sick some people have gotten when they switch back. I don't care for that to happen. I'm hoping to take out some meat and grains from my diet and add in more fruit and veggies and nuts. My weight is still stuck and I'm hoping this helps. I honestly think part of my problem is that master has been gone so long and unable to talk for the last bit. I'm slacking. Pouting is also not good, it generally means I'm not into doing my exercises and eat things I shouldn't sometimes. The last month I have been sleeping in till 11am a few days in there I even slept until 2pm. Considering before all of this I used to wake up at 9am every morning naturally, the only conclusion I have is a tiny bit of depression. I need to start kicking my ass into gear before he comes back and does it though.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
I had plans, they were good plans, then my soon to be aunt called and had me walk over to my grandparents. When I walked in it looked like a women's department store had blown up. On the left side of the room there were 25 pairs of shoes, to the right there were between 30-40 purses and in the center there was about 15 jackets. Turns out her daughter in law cleaned out her closet. What is listed above is not even half of what she owned. I honestly cannot grasp the fact that this woman has so much stuff.
I was told to go through and take whatever I wanted. There were some shoes master would love, but they were all half a size too small, the jackets were so not even close to anything I would wear, the purses however.. I found a couple. I say a couple because I had four I has having trouble choosing between and got told to take them all. Which is fine by me considering they were probably worth over $150 all together that I didn't have to spend. Prior to this I did not own a purse, not one. I had a band bag I would carry when I needed something but other than that, nodda. However, just because I got four doesn't mean I get to keep them. Master doesn't like clutter and if something hasn't been used or wont be used for a while... it is going to go in the garbage. Thus, I know eventually I will be told to pick one and to get rid of the rest, so this is a test run if you will. Unless master lets me keep them all but it seems unlikely.
Master is still working 24/7. I haven't heard from him at all in two days, which sucks but since we had our conversation and I know what's going on, I am fine. Just like I told him I would be, clearly the man needs to start listening to me. *Nods head* (I am going to be buggered when master starts reading here by the way.) Since he has been working so much and sleeping so little I spent the other day looking for something to make him feel a little better. I finally discovered I can take pictures with my webcam. I've had the computer two and a half months and I'm just now figuring this out, I know. The brains of the operation has been away okay? Sometimes it takes me a bit to catch on to things.
I took a picture for master, he has yet to see it. He hasn't had time to stop long enough to check his email. I seriously am starting to have violent feelings towards his new boss. Seriously, he has been on the go for almost three weeks now, he's going to burn out. I worry about him because he barely sleeps, rarely eats and just doesn't have time to catch his breath.
I hope they send him home soon, he needs to be taken care of after all of this insanity and it kills a piece of me that I'm not there to do it. It's almost like watching a car run a into a pole... you know the crash is coming and you can do nothing to prevent it.
Not to mention that I miss him, a LOT. They say that distance makes the heart go fonder and it certainly has. I flit over on his Facebook occasionally, looking longingly at pictures and it makes my whole body ache and swell for him. I miss the feel of his skin on mine like it was an addiction. The way he looks at me, that dark, possessive,lusty/sex fulled, "MINE" look? Yeah, miss that. At this point, I would even revel in a phone call. I would kill to answer the phone and hear his happy, smiling voice say "Hey baby, how's my girl?" I miss him. I need him home now.
Wow... totally did not mean for this post to take that kind of turn. To end on a happy note, I present to you :
My kitteh! ....and part of me.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Today I learned the beard is gone. He also shaved his head but really, I've been whining about that since master and I got together so that's old news. The beard is a new fresh wound...there is no scab here yet people.
R.I.P. dear beard. Clearly you were unappreciated in your time, your life ended too quickly. ...the bastard *it'll be months before master reads this... he can't punish me for things I've previously done right? *Looks around suspiciously**
Other than the above post this is how you tell I am sleepy!... I have made a serious of texts to master about this atrocity.... all of them made him laugh... the man does not understand my mourning process.
"...ya know, some days I contemplate hiding your razor....today is one of those days."
"next time you do that we are having a mourning service for the beard, clearly it was under appreciated this round"
When asked to do something dirty ... "Sigh, I'm not over the beard."
Q: If you could chose another life for yourself, would it be one in which you still had the same kinks or would you want to try a more nilla approach?
A: Before I discovered I had such kinks I was taking the more nilla approach. At least I thought I was, turns out I was always trying to push the other person into leading and giving me direction. Having been on the vanilla side of things, I think I would stick with the same kinks.
My vanilla relationships were always rocky at best. There was always a place of distance between my SO and myself that I never understood, a space that separated us no matter how much we agreed and how close we were.
I may be biased on this because I have never truly had a healthy vanilla relationship. Even when I was 100% convinced that I was vanilla. (I just deleted a paragraph explaining more on this but giving way too much detail away so if you want it explained Sephi, you can email or text me...but not from the bathroom :P )
I had one relationship where everything went well, and I still wasn't close to the guy, I still wasn't head over heels, do anything for him, respect him, and happy twenty-four-seven. This may be because I am submissive and just didn't know it then but I just haven't had (and can't see having) as good of a relationship without these kinks.
I'm not saying that people in vanilla relationships don't have as good of a relationship as kinky people do; I just know that for me, it isn't as good.
I love the closeness that master and I have, I love how wanted I feel, how much happier I am, how free I feel (the irony!), and I love the trust. I trust master with everything I have. You need immense amounts of trust in relationships like this, that trust binds us, it brings us closer, makes us stronger and lets the other person see who the real you is.
My sense of humour, my blonde moments, my clutzy ways and my insanity; Master gets all of me. These were all things I was somewhat ashamed of in other relationships... things I tried to give to people but they rejected. I've found that it's not only my kinks that fit into this lifestyle; it's all of me. All of me is accepted and not turned away for being to perverse, or morbid or disgusting and that is something that just doesn't happen in vanilla relationships, at least it didn’t in mine.
Would not being kinky be easier? Certainly. There are aspects of this lifestyle that make some things difficult, but I've found it also makes having a relationship easier. There isn't constant fighting because one vote outweighs another, you end up closer, trust more (in general), and to be honest...vanilla sex bores me.
If there isn't some aspect of roughness to it...it does nothing for me. I need to be bitten, have a hand around my throat/in my hair, be bruised by the time it's done or at the very least be pounded hard enough I enjoy it. Slow, soft sex... just doesn't do it for me, I end up looking up at the ceiling and wondering when the person will be done. I've tried. I think even taking away my kinks I would still need that and I have no intention of giving up sex :P
In short, the sex is better, the relationship is better, and the community is more my type of people, thus, I would keep the same kinks.
I've done a lot of thinking today. Okay, that's not entirely true, what I am about to explain came to me in the last 45 minutes. I lightening think, get one idea that spurs another and another and so on.
My diet has been suffering, I do okay for breakfast and lunch and then I tend to end up slipping with dinner or snacking. I think what I might start doing is posting on here what I have for meals, with pictures and calorie amounts to keep me honest and moving forward. I don't think I would post every meal, maybe not even every day but with some regularity. I think it would make me more creative with my allotted calories amounts per meal. I'd enjoy feedback on this idea as to whether or not it's even worth it.
I was also contemplating writing what exercises I do and how much I burn everyday. This of course is master permitting.
I'm not certain these ideas will even see the light of day but they seem to be making sense right now. The fact that I am sleep deprived and can't seem to fall asleep may factor into that.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Master and I haven't talked in two weeks aside from a one word response via text if he has the spare minute, some days he does not. This has been rough on me, mostly because he didn't even have time to explain to me why we weren't talking.
Turns out it is because his new boss has been kicking his ass and he hasn't had a minute to catch his breath. He sent me a text at 4:30 this morning explaining that and that is all I have heard for the day. BUT... that is okay, I know what is going on now, I'm not in a panick anymore. I was good for the first week, but two weeks is a long time to be in the dark and it was definitely getting to me. I knew logically, knowing him, that it wasn't anything bad... but the front of the mind doesn't always listen to the back of the mind and eventually the back of the mind begins doubting what it knows. I've been in a state of bawling and worry, and fear for the last week or so which was finally ended when I made it abundantly clear that I was a wreck and needed to know what the hell is going on. In all fairness, I generally handle not being able to speak for a while quite well so master probably didn't even think twice about it (or not had time to think twice about it) but two weeks is a long time... he now knows that.
Knowing now that it was just SD (silly disorder) that had me worked up makes me feel a little stupid but ya know, I'd rather be stupid and demand answer than be scared and in the dark. That has been my philosophy with any guy I date or any friend I have, I'm a very blunt person and some relationships haven't survived because of it. However, I don't put much weight into a person that can't handle truth, answer questions or deal with reality... if you would rather pull a blanket over your eyes and hum until things either blow up or live your life always wondering.... chances are we will not get along. I've learned to deal with it, so can everybody around me.
I have learned lately that I can be a very hard person to get along with sometimes. In the last few months I've had several people tell me things that I had always known about myself, but they were things that master never seen in me so they got dismissed a little bit as maybe I was just pretending to be this way. Turns out I'm not.
I was sitting in the car with my mom today and we were talking about how master and I get along so well and I was attempting to explain to her how hilarious and interesting things can get. (which will gradually get worse as I get more and more comfortable master :D ) I finally just said it was like a slightly calmer personality of hers (my mother) and her usual personality mixing together. (My family is insane, my crazy has been generations in the making.) She looked at me and asked who the calmer personality was, I said that it was me of course. ... She laughed at me.
After a year of master telling me that I only act tough and angry and stubborn, etc. I was doubting myself a bit, maybe it started out as a fake it until you make it thing but it's not anymore. In the last couple months I have been told by friends and family (who I really didn't think noticed by the way) that I can be very blunt, cold, stubborn, clever, angry, and abrasive person. Which is completely true. It takes quite a bit to piss me off, but once I am there... it's not pretty. A guy friend of mine once told me that if I get angry enough, my eyes actually go darker and I can be very scary. He thinks I can be scary because I don't have mindless rage. I have a very clever, vindictive and cold anger. Cold anger is always much more deadly than hot. I'm not one of those people who can be used, and pissed off and then have an apology given and forgive everything. In fact, I forgive very little once I reach a certain point.
If I don't like somebody, I will put up with them, I will be polite. But, as my grandmother put it "if they cross a certain line, you have their throats," and it is entirely true. I don't put up with very much, and when I do, there is a reason.
Over Christmas dinner, my cousin was making cracks at my brother... we don't always get along but ya know, making cracks at a 14-year-old kid who is shy is hell and fairly damn sensitive, when you know he wont say anything back because there are people he doesn't know at the table is just low. So I came back with a few things, when I was done my cousin sat quietly for a while and didn't say a word. It pisses him right off that I can out think him, and it is something I take great pride in. Before that he was bothering my mom about being cold and not forgetting anything. She pointed at me and said "If you want to see cold, I'd piss her off again." And he looked at me like I had two heads.
The reason I am writing this, I received a couple emails, one from family and another from an old friend complaining about me cutting people out of my life, my personality, and everything I mentioned above and how I could be a better person and have more friends if I changed.
Am I cold? Yes, but not to everyone and to be honest, I laughed at these emails. I haven't talked to these people in years, because of various reasons and they come out of the blue to attack me? No, I did not send an email back because just being these two people is punishment enough.
No I do not have 300 Facebook friends, no I don't have a group of 40 people I hang out and why? Because I have waded through people full of bullshit to find the few true friends I have. Because I do not change my personality and my likes according to which group of people I hang out with and finally, because I would be hard pressed to find a group of 40 people who I could stand to be around longer than twenty minutes. I know people, I see through bullshit and it pisses me off so I just avoid it.
I come from at least 3 very strong women. Outspoken women. Women who are more known for standing up and punching a guy out rather than sleeping with him. I am proud of this fact and I take great pride in being a bitch when I have to be because I have been taught when to keep my mouth shut and when enough is enough. I don't go out looking for people to be bitchy to, and I can't help it that stupidity multiples. If I could there would be a hell of a population drop.
Speaking of such things, I really want to say thank you to Sephi for talking to me and trying to help over the last week. 95% of my support came from her when everybody else seemed too busy to listen. So, to Sephi I give the HOORAY FOR YOU! award of which I just made up :)
Ps. I just found this girl and normally I'm not a fan of pop music but I love this.
I'm in love with Being Awesome and The Word lately.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
The first night went well. Master decided that I needed to orgasm until I couldn't move. This brought us to the conclusion that I clearly need to be having more orgasms in order for that to happen. Three is now my base I believe. I got up to ten before my wrists finally gave out... and that was the only part of my body refusing to work. They weren't little orgasms either, so I should have been unable to move. I'm just built for sex :P
Having sex would tired me out, especially if I reached that number but with masturbation.... just doesn't do it.
Last night however, did not go so hot. I fought my orgasms, fought not to do them, or have them.
This was a mix of things I think. First, I'm PMS-ing. Second, Master has been gone for several months and we haven't really talked much in two weeks. (In all fairness he is trying his best, and I do get at least one text a day even if it is only a one word response, it's better than nothing but still sucks major ass.)Since he is so busy I've basically had to master myself so to speak. He doesn't have time to be constantly paying attention to what I'm doing so I'm expected to behave. I'm still expected to ask permission for things I just normally make the decision myself because he can't answer. Between that and the lack of speaking... I finally broke last night.
I refused to orgasm. I lost my freaking mind. Who refuses to orgasm?!
I think I needed to be topped and shown that he is still my master and still in charge. My orgasms were the only thing I had at the moment so it's what I used. I was teary eyed and upset beforehand, I said I wasn't doing them, that I didn't want to. I pushed and fought, almost begging him to make me do it. Which he did. I cried my way through my orgasms when he finally won and was happy and relieved when I was done. I felt like his again, I felt owned and happy.
I've learned lately that Daddy has slowly become my home. I'm more myself around him, I'm comfortable, and I feel wanted, needed and just at home. It's a safe,warm feeling. Since he has been gone I've felt a little lost and I know why now, he left and took my home with him. When he dominates me I get a feeling of that back. It's a warm,safe, full and happy world feeling. I get lost without it and fight to find it again.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Because of this I have reworked my exercise plan to be a bit more aggressive and thought out. I am now working on my diet, trying to weed out the bad things without making myself feel trapped and restricted. This is not an easy task.
When I asked Master for help, he instituted a new rule: I am to masturbate and orgasm three times before I can go to sleep. Aerobic excercise ya know :P
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
I just deleted an entire paragraph where I got sidetracked into talking about how smart master is. I mean really, what the shit is this! I come on here to make an amusing post and I get sucked into master worship. The man is a mind ninja. *Nods*
Anyway, these are the things I learned... twitter style.
- When hiding chocolate (or any treat) from yourself, do not tell yourself where you hid it. Yourself waits until you aren't paying attention then sneaks off to eat whatever it is you hid.
- Master is totally perfect for me. The man has Ferngully. An entirely amusing movie that I love and is almost impossible to find.
- Making a foreskin joke to your mother is surprisingly hilarious.
- Offering to suck the cream out of somebody's cupcake is funny and inappropriate. Which just makes it funnier.
- Light posts do not move when you run into them.
- New socks on a clean floor are surprisingly similar to skating on ice. Neither of which I can do.
- Yelling out "For god sake use your words!" when master is spanking me earns me a laugh.. but does not deter him from his task, it actually earns me more spankings whether he finds it funny or not.
- I don't know for sure but singing the meow mix song during a spanking may have the same effect.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Daddy has been gone ...5 months... 6 months... I don't know. I just know it's been a long fucking time.
Today the following conversation took place
Me: Daddy time tonight?
Master: I can't but you do have some good news
Me: oh? (I was trying desperately not to get my hopes up at what it could be at this point)
Master: Daddy is probably coming home in a few months
Me: Really! As in for good?!
To which he replied that they were moving him back to where he originally was to continue running things there.
This is where I lost my shit.
He told me over an hour ago and I haven't stopped vibrating and bouncing since. I can't stop moving. I'm excited.
The minute he told me I of course went in to being deliriously happy to have him coming back home. Having his hand around my throat. His marks upon my body. His lips on mine and the possessive tone in his voice when he grabs me and pulls me close saying "I'm not done with you yet." *Shivers*
Then I realized I get cuddles, and to just be near him again. I'm like a cat watching a little bird with him, every little thing he does fascinates me. That's not to say he doesn't annoy me or make me wonder what the fuck he's doing... he certainly does. BUT! That is not the point of this post. I'm sure I'll have one of those eventually, he takes too much pride in annoying me for it to not happen.
Those were my first thoughts. My second thought was "Well fuck, I better get my ass in gear about exercising before he is close enough to hit me." Seriously, how horrible is that, that, that was my second thought!
Of course, since he told me I haven't stopped moving in an excited fashion... tapping, bouncing, wiggling, cleaning.. Just have to move so that may help out with losing weight! I told Sephi about the vibrating by the way and she told me to take the phone out of my underwears. I love that girl...she is so the other half of my split personality.