Winner! And A Bad, Bad Blogger!

I am so sorry guys! I had every intention of posting the winner of the lube pack on the second. However, I managed to fuck my back royally and could barely move so sitting long enough to write a post was out of the question. I've been on muscle relaxers for a few days now.. it's getting better. I also thought I had a few more days to post than I did.. I'm calling it pain med induced crazyness. *shakes head*

Anyhow,

The winner is number 1



Please message me with your email address!

It Comes In Three

I have been holding off on this post, wanting to heal a little bit before I had to write about it but come this morning that wound was just tore right the fuck open again.

A couple weeks ago my uncle died. He was in the navy when he was young and when he came back they didn't at the time recognize PTSD as an illness. By the time they did he was at the point where he refused help. He spent his life drinking, and trying to forget that of his whole  group he was the only one that made it out of the war alive. He drank a lot. He drank so much he shut his liver down. For the past few years we've known he was dieing, he's been on that brink for over a year. Last year we thought he wouldn't make it to Christmas. Well he did, he couldn't remember his wife, or where he lived or how to dress himself and he was hallucinating and seeing things that weren't there but he made it. Then over the summer they finally had a doctor take a good look at him and start him on pills and meds and he got better. Then he'd sink. Then he'd get better... and sink again. This went on for months


Then, this morning I woke up to find that my aunt had died. Not the one married to the uncle. This was my great grandmothers sister. She was a riot to be around and always scaring and playing pranks. Last time I visited her we cooked, and talked and she showed me her project.. she loved making wine.


So, that's two. Death in my life has always come in threes so I know there is another one lurking somewhere and quite honestly I am sick of this shit. So, I say to all my friends and readers and fellow bloggers, be careful out there!

Taste Like A Rainbow Giveaway!

Or perhaps a fruit salad. Ya know, it all depends on how you're feeling that day I suppose.

You all know by now that I work with EdenFantasys right? Well, being the awesome company that they are they have offered to allow me to host a giveaway for you all. I had a couple products to choose from but this kit right here intrigued me the most!

So, EdenFantasys and I are giving away The 12 Nights Of XXXMAS flavored lube kit! It features 12 little pillow packs of cherry, strawberry, and vanilla lube. If you've never used a flavored lube before or love using them for oral this kit is perfect!

Rules:

Contest is open today, Monday (19 of November, 2012) to December 1st Winners will be announced on the second. 

There are 3 ways to enter:

Leave me a comment ..about anything. It could say "Hi!"

Follow me on twitter: Then come back and leave me a comment telling me you follow me, as well as your twitter handle.

Follow EdenFantasys on twitter. Follow same protocol as above. 

So, that's three separate comments, and three chances to win. If you comment and leave it all in one you will only get one entry.

This contest is open to absolutely everybody in the world. If you are reading this you are eligible to enter. Once a winner is chosen I will put up a post asking you to email me with your name and your email address. Or if you don't want to tell me your name just send me an email and I will direct you to the lovely woman you need to be speaking with!

Good luck everyone!

*Meek wave*

The last week has been... a fucking disaster quite honestly. There have been good moment but there has been one continually horrible moment. I'll write about that when I'm ready though. I'm not yet.


In order to deal with this process and ignore my grief I have thrown myself into remodeling my bathroom. Hard. In the last week I've finished all the repairs and painted. It's a gorgeous colour, blue and grey and just.. pretty but not too feminine. I'm going in today to get some shelving to put up. There is one reason I need more shelving in this bathroom.

EdenFantasys.

First of all, they have some amazing towels. Yes. I'm serious. They're 100% cotton which means they are good for your hair (other towels dry your hair out and make it frizzy and pull it out..especially with curly hair). Since I got these towels my curls have been a lot nicer.. plus the towels themselves are really soft. They are actually my favorite towels that I own. And they come from a sex shop. Which makes me happy in my weird place :)

The other issue? I'm kind of a product hoarder. I love lotions and body scrubs and soaps. They carry all of them and they smell AMAZING. This body scrub is absolutely amazing smelling. I literally moan in happiness in my shower and not because I'm doing anything dirty. Although, they also carry A LOT of waterproof products as well.

Not long ago I ordered the James Deen Cock.    It is now my favorite toy ever. EVER! It will be having some shower time later this week too. It's gorgeous and thick and *purrs* It feels good and it doesn't guilt you or talk back.. fucking win!

Oh It's Been A Delight

Now, I've been holding on to this review for a while due to the fact this was not just a simple sex toy that you flop down or straddle over and go at it.

I was sent the NS Novelties Crystal Premium Glass Eggs. They're kegel exercisers and they are gorgeous. I was given the clear set with the pink swirl. Normally I am not a pink kind of girl but these just caught my eye and I couldn't leave them behind.

They are about 75 grams total which is about 2.6 ounces. So they're a nice weight. They are also very well made. There is not a seam, or bubble in these babies. They are gorgeous.

I've been using these for about three months in regular intervals now and I can definitely tell the difference. When I'm using a toy I'll intentionally clench down and pull on the toy. There is by far more resistance now than there was. I've also noticed that I orgasm a lot harder and pulling the toy out mid orgasm.. is not possible anymore because my muscles clench down too hard. ... as such I got thinking about it and used my hands and fingers. I gotta say, I'm a little jealous I don't have a penis now because the strength these eggs have given my vaginal muscles is insane. I haven't found that I need lube with these but I suspect greatly because they are glass they will get very slippery and be almost impossible to keep in. Think of an oil slicked slip and slide.. you will not stay put even with pressure. Because these aren't linked together at all they can be difficult to remove. I've had them on more than one occasion wedge themselves right up again my cervix and refuse to move. In which case you will have to go digging but they're can't escape so it's okay.

For somebody new to kegel toys I'd say to find something with a string but for those experienced women, definitely give these a try. They're perfectly shaped and weighted for use. I'm really hoping they make a heavier set of these so I can graduate to a heavier level.

Thank you for letting me review these awesome toys PinkCherry.com!

It'll be a White..Christ...err..Halloween.

We have a heavy snowfall warning where I live right now. We generally have them from about mid fall on until mid spring. Today was supposed to be an exercise day but honestly.. It's turned into a curl up on the couch with my cat, drink tea and read kind of day. I'm already planning a bath later to have with my Blackberry Merlot. It's just a lounge around kind of day. Which I'm okay with. They don't happen often anymore.

I've been lusting at the new fall Lush products. I can't decide if I should splurge now or save up and splurge after Christmas when they're blowing stuff out. I'm also starting to eye up the main bathroom again thinking about a make over for it so I claim it. It seems the basement wont be getting done anytime soon so I'll take over the bathroom up here and make it pretty and completely Serene'ed out. I'm excited.

Dance Monkey Dance!

So I think by now you all know about PinkCherry.ca right? Well, a while ago they let me go through their site and pick out a few toys. I found something and I latched on to it.. hard. You see. It's adorable. It's funny. And it's orgasmic. What am I talking about?

Oh.

My lovelies.

THIS!

This my dearest pervs is the Mini Monkey Vibe... it's a monkey bullet! It has the typical and classic round dial to control the power and takes 2 AA batteries. The vibrations on the mini vibrator are about middle of the road. They are not buzzy at all, nor are they the deep thuddy vibrations either. They are wonderfully... perfect.

This toy is quite small. It fits easily in the palm of your hand with a lot of room to spare. The cord is a fair length though I do wish it would be a bit longer. It's fine for solo play but for partner play it can be a bit too short if your partner gets too far away. Of course very rarely do we want them far away now do we ? :)

This toy is made out of rubber, and can be cleaned with soap and water, however this toy is NOT waterproof so have a care to not get water near the battery. If you get lube or juices on the controller just wipe it down with a damp cloth or disinfectant wipe.

Overall, I enjoy this toy a lot. It's great for use with dildos and during sex because it is small and can easily be slid between a toy or your partners body. Plus... how fucking adorable is this thing?! People.. IT'S A MONKEY!

Oh Baby Shoot Me Now

I apologize for the lack of posting this month. You see.. I'm currently sitting on a dog. Not really, but I am dog sitting.... though with this dog I would like to sit on him. He is driving me up the wall. I literally cannot leave him alone long enough to shower.. or go to the bathroom..or run to my room to grab a hair elastic. This dog is the whiniest, clingiest most untrained dog I have ever met. I actually hate this dog and that kills me because I love pets.. and I spoil them and love on them but this one.. fuck me. He pees in the house, even though he knows to go outside and does ask to do so..when he wants to. He's recently taken to gnawing on the brand new four thousand dollar furniture. That shit was curbed quickly and unpleasantly let me tell ya. He's an attention hog.. I even go to pet my dog and he flips his shit. He will not sit by himself, he HAS to be in somebodies lap 24/7. He sleeps in his kennel at night.. once he barks and whines himself to sleep. Honestly I just.. ugh! This dog has ruined me for little dogs. I just cannot do it. My dog is sweet, and wonderful. She's quiet and house trained. She was a stray away from her mother too early so all she's ever had is human influence. I can tell her to take a toy to her bed and she will. I can tell her to clean up her mess and she does. I can talk to her like a human and she understands and listens. This little fucker? "No," is one syllable too many. I get that his owner spoils him because other than him she lives alone. But if he gets away with the stuff he's trying to get away with here holy mother of fuck. When I went away for the wedding a few months ago and left my dog here.. she pouted and flopped around the house for Lady Di. This one? No pout. Just carnage. I have two weeks left of this. I'll survive... the question is whether or not he will.

Thursday I went into to town and looked after my niece for most of the day. She cried for a bit then curled up on top of me and slept for almost two hours.. which is a huge deal considering she normally only sleeps for about 20 minutes. I love the kid beyond anything. It's ridiculous.

Lady Di and I have been going to movies at the cheap theater in town. ... which oddly enough is actually the nicer theater since they redid it. We've been having a blast. We're partial to cartoons though. So far I've seen Brave and the new Snow White. I much preferred Brave. Next week we're going to see what's playing and pick one to go to as well. Last time I was there with Elle, I got to see Beardsley. I was excited, I rarely get to see him. He of course would not come see my cartoon. However, for my birthday I may make him come see one with me.. just for kicks. I suspect the rant after it will be epic. I like other movies of course but lately I've been on a cartoon kick.. a break from real life.

My exercising has been going well. I'm losing pounds and inches.. and staying motivated. It's the longest I've ever gone and been able to stick to exercising.I am in love with the heavy bag. It's fun.. and exhausting. I've come out with more than one bruise on my hands. It's great for working out aggression. Just sayin'.

*heeee*

I was sick today. As soon as I sat up I felt like I was going to be sick. I spent the day curled up on the couch watching disney movies and listening to gory audio books. They went awesome together. Pepto and I? We made great friends today. So, naturally when I just about puked when I sat up exercise was out. That's just tempting fate.

Now though? I feel awesome! A couple weeks ago my stubborn bitch returned to me. I lost her somewhere along the lines,I got blips here and there but I haven't really seen her in over a year. Eventually a kicked dog just stays down, so she left because she couldn't deal with it. She's definitely back though. My stubborn bitch showed up in full force tonight. Up until now she'd been hibernating. Reacquainting herself with me. She was done with that. I just finished doing my weights and 100 crunches.. which is the most crunches I've done yet. She showed up not only with my stubborn but stubborn pissyness fueled by "fuck yous and this's," which has always been my attitude. It's a nice return. 

I missed her. I missed her dearly. It's like having a piece of myself back.. I could not be happier right now. For being such a terrible sicky day, it was an awesome night!

Oh Ho Ho All The Snow!

I am curled up in my over sized living room chair,  wearing my new sweater wrap, tshirt, pajama pants and fuzzy socks. The chair is turned so I can see both the fire place and the window on the other side of the room. I have candles lit and a pot of tea brewing. My favorite blanket is in the dryer getting ready to be snuggled in and I'm happy.. completely at peace. 

It's snowing guys. SNOWING. I love Fall and I love winter. Snow IN Fall? Fucking win! It's gorgeous, I love it. Snow and I go way back. I've always loved it and looked forward to it. It's always meant snuggly blankets and old Christmas shows on tv. It's meant apple cider and Samhain (I have never once had a Samhain without snow.) It means Winter Solstice and my birthday. The only thing I love more than looking at trees turning beautiful golden and toasted colors is looking out at a world that is covered in a deep, thick shimmering blanket of snow with the barren trees peeking out. Weeping willows with snow and icicles clinging to them. Evergreens enveloped in it before they're brought inside.

I walked into my house the other day and teared up. I had been baking and cooking and canning. There was the scent of coffee and tea and it just smelled.."right." It smelled like my great grandmas house always smelled this time of year. That's when I knew I was doing something right. I have never in my life been so content and happy. Just.. at peace with everything. Free.

Bus Bus Baby!

The BDSM community is a largely diverse group. There are all kinds of people that encompass this span. One thing that unites us all though? Buses.

Over the years I have been  run of by my share of "buses" that other submissives have so lovingly driven my way. But for the most part? I've been the driver. This has been exceedingly beneficial for me. Once a year or so ago I was talking to Sephani and her master asked whether or not he should make her masturbate in the bathroom before she left work. Of course being myself and never missing an opportunity to bus my bestie  I told him no.. he should  make her do it on the bus ride home. Which essentially means I bused her with a bus. The irony of it still tickles pink.

Most recently though I was able to bus Sephani really hard.. and for a long, long time. She was having a really terrible day. So I thought I'd send her something to surprise her and hopefully put her in a better mood. I poured through the EdenFantasys website. Looking at lingerie, lotions, candles and toys. Then I found it. It was sitting there in all its silvery glory screaming "Buy Me! She'll Love Me Forever!" I thought about it, mulled it over and demanded her shipping address. I teased her mercilessly for days refusing to tell her what I got her. The day was finally here, she was going to get it! ...and it showed up late so she had to wait until she was done work and home at 1 in the morning. I didn't know she was home until her message popped up on my screen.

"You bitch"

So what did I get her? Why I got her what any loving sub would get their enslaved friend who loves anal :) I got her the Njoy 2.0. I thought about the large. I really did. But it just seemed like a waste. I loved her enough I went above and beyond normal sizes. She's actually already gotten quite a bit of use out of it. She even had to wear it to work yesterday. Her owner asked why we bus each other because it always escalates and Sephi would probably end up sending my next owner a wrecking ball on a boat anchor chain. My answer was simple.. we do it for fun, and we do it for love because deep down we do enjoy the control the mens exert when given a new toy. Especially once of this caliber.


So, Sephi my dear, Game on :)


Also, jump on over to SexIs and read my new article!

Blades of grass on tiny bare feet I look at you and you're looking at me

Sigh. It hasn't been long since I posted and yet it feels like forever so much has happened.

To begin with my exercise is going well. Really well actually. I've settled into a routine of two days on one off and it's working great. It's consistent yet short enough I don't feel like it'll never end. I've been increasing time on the machines and the weight I'm lifting. Physically I feel awesome. My diet took a hit the last two days but that's okay because I'm maintaining. I've stupid proofed my food until I get a better hold on my eating disorder. Its WAY better than its been in years but it can still be better and I know that so I'm working on it. I plan to maintain this course I'm on until Solstice then I'll take stock and see if I need to change things. In general though? I'm doing amazingly well. I know already lost an inch or so just by the way things are fitting. Pumped. I am it.

I'm writing at SexIs again. My latest post is here. Go read it, it's a recount on the night I spent away from home during the fire. It's worth it. Promise.

In other news the woman my cousin married (who I am in love with by the way. She is amazing) was pregnant. Yes. Was. We had a couple weeks to be amazingly happy and excited then it was gone. She's taking it hard understandably. So am I oddly enough. I'm sure part of it is being around my niece so much and knowing how much I already loved the new babe and how excited I was for her. She's always wanted kids but didn't think she could have them until she got pregnant which is encouraging and heartbreaking at the same time.

Since then I'm missing a few people, thinking about them. But then again I guess this is the time for that. Which is why the title is what it is. The song just strikes a chord. I cried the first time I heard it. I wont put the video because there was one of hers in the last post but this song is on repeat a lot lately. I'm in an odd mourning mood.

Vivacious Curves

Recently Goodvibes sent me a Fun Factory Delight Click'n'Charge. As I've had a love affair with Fun Factory lately I was especially excited to receive this beautifully made toy. It's black and fucshia and is delightfully and vivaciously curved. It to me is feminine in every way.

After charging the toy it is able to be turned on by pressing and holding down the "+" sign. Once the initial rumble starts there are 7 levels of vibration. While there are no patterns it makes up for it by being insanely quiet. The vibrations are very rumbly and deep and not at all buzzy or irritating.

Upon insertion the toy does hit right again my gspot however, here is where my issue comes in. There is absolutely no clitoral stimulation. I need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm. So what does that mean? No orgasm for Serene. I tried using a clit toy along side the Delight and while with some adjusting and an immense amount of patience it will work the noise it created by touching the handle of the Delight was just too much for me. Because of the shape of this toy it makes it very hard to thrust the insertable piece. It is meant to be rocked back and forth over the Gspot which it does well, but if you need stimulation beyond that it's just not going to work for you in my experience. I even tried using the handle as a clit piece to rub myself again. It just didn't work for me which is unfortunate because it really is a great toy. It's beautifully made, it's rechargeable, it's silicone, it does an amazing job at being exactly what it is; a gspot toy. If all you need is vaginal stimulation to climax then this is absolutely a toy you should be investing in. I'm actually a little jealous I can't use this toy for what it's intended for. It does however make a wonderful  clitoral stimulator, as well as for foreplay and teasing.

A Long Walk Off A Short Pier

I've had good intentions. I'll go to bed early. I'll get up early. I'll eat healthy. I'll exercise! I will rebuild! I have the technology!

*ahem*

Today I did it. Well..kind of. I did not get up early. I fail at that. Horribly bad. I did however get up and exercise and generally kick my ass. Crunches, weights, run/jog, and my new all time favorite? The heavy bag. I love it. It's awesome for aggression. I MAY have some. I followed that with some peanut butter chocolate protein shake and a container of water and a shower. Lunch was half a veggie stuffed pita with turkey and dinner is going to be a salad. I feel awesome. As an added bonus the guy I'm working out with isn't up to the amount and distance I did yet.. and he's in better shape than I am. I kicked his ass. I love it. I'm doing it again tomorrow.

In other news I figured out why I'm so facking(I've been spending a lot of time with my niece so I'm TRYING not to swear as much) horny lately. It has been out of control. Six orgasms in a day and I'm still wandering around wanting to hump corners and couches. I switched BC pills at the request of a friend that was freaked out by my brand. So I switched. I'd heard of women who went on a different brand would have their sex drives slow down because the brand doesn't work for them. Ahem. Apparently my old brand did that, I was just young enough then I started on them I didn't notice. Fuck me(I never said I was succeeding at curbing the expletives. Shup.), am I noticing now! Doesn't help when I have several pretties asking me to play..all.the.time. One of them is...*purrs* We'll call him Ethan. I have known Ethan since I was about 15 or 16...possibly 17. It's been a long damn time. I have wanted to jump him since the moment I met him. He's blond, wears glasses (I have a thing for glasses.. large thing. No idea why but *shivers*), and is tall. I love me some tall. Plus I've talked to him for years and love him to death as a friend and love his personality. He's the one person I actually considered fooling around with when I was with Cael and shit was open. I tease him mercilessly though it has been backfiring lately. He just sets me off, I purr.. I have literally purred at him before. He's not dating right now for personal reasons which I understand and agree with, and I'm trying not to fuck him before we date. It's not going well. I wants has him. AND??!!?! He's willing to let me do dirty unspeakable things to him which I fully intend to detail here if I get to do them :)

I mean what I say when I say there is nothing left

(I've just had a random appreciation for the diversity in my music tastes. I am insanely eclectic. I can go from Cradle Of Filth to listening to a musical and not even blink. Love it.Mostly, it's the attitude of the singer or the song itself that gets me. )

Today I went shopping. Anybody who knows me knows that this is usually an exercise in frustration. See, thing is that I've had quite a lot of weight drop off of me lately but more so, I've lost inches lately. Even when I'm not losing weight I'm losing inches. So my clothing? Not fitting to great anymore. I have a few pieces that were too snug that are now fitting great and some that are just...way, way, WAY too big on me. I also have a few that I love the way they fit me but I absolutely hate the cut of the sleeves. I have a few cover up pieces but I found a couple extremely light sweater ones today and I'm in love with them. I also found a cowl neck grey sweater with blue abstract designs on it that I fell in love with instantly. For me it's one of those pieces that I can wear it curled up on the couch with pj pants as well as with jeans going into town. I love it that much. Other than that I picked up some other random odds and ends that I needed and came home.

I was so ready to be home. Too many crowds. I'm not a huge fan of them to begin with but lately they've been driving me up the wall. Today, was actually a really good day though. Yesterday was good too. The day before it sucked hells balls though. But I had some wine and did what I had to do to get through the day and let it all go. That night my friend.. who since I last wrote about him has requested that I call him Beardsley or Beard or something. I don't know, which he specified but needless to say I'm talking about the guy with the beard. Anyways, he knew I had a shitty day and when I asked him in my usual pretty pleases tone to read me a story.. he wrote one for me. Seriously. I love this man. I've copied and pasted it into a document and when I have time I'll go through and make it pretty with fonts and hang it up. The story actually helped a lot and I fell asleep right after he finished. Seriously, best guy ever. I'm actually pretty sure he's ruined me for men. I've known him since I was about 17 and he's always treated me amazingly well. I tell him everything, he knows everything about me and is cool with it and I love it. He's about the only person I am absolutely comfortable with too, I don't even question it. I never have, not once. Best friend ever, love him to pieces and he has been especially awesome to me the last little bit. Plus he's giving me cuddles for my birthday, I'm pretty excited about it.

Other than that I don't have much to share here. Things are just normal. I'm doing amazing. I'm happy and just.. content. It's an awesome feeling. I've had a couple people ask me out. I'm contemplating it but I'm really enjoying the single thing right now. We'll see what happens with it all I guess. 

Splish Splash I Was Takin' A Bath

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Chaos

Just checking in to say I'm alive. there was a huge fire where I live a couple days ago. Our entire town was evacuated. I ended up at my grandparents almost an hour away. I'm still alive. I still have a home.. but it was scary.

I went in to town for groceries and I was standing looking at veggies when the fire started apparently. By the ten minute drive home you couldn't see fifty feet in front of your face the smoke was so thick. By the time I got to my little town there was an evacuation notice. So, I packed some clothes, grabbed my cat and dog and we left. The cat howled the entire drive. It was a hoot.

When we were finally allowed back everything was fine. The town didn't burn but another few yards worth of gain for the fire and we would have. The end of the fire is literally one farmers field away from the town. The land we own in the river bottom is fine but only by chance. The first started on the other side of the river and jumped it just a mile or so down from our land. It somehow survived it. Not only did it jump a river, it jumped several highways to get to us. My allergies and asthma are still going insane from the remaining smoke and after affects. It was.. insane.

In other news? Exercise is making a huge come back. As is healthier, and more proportional eating. I think I'll actually succeed this time because I don't have a ticking time bomb attached to me to set off my eating disorder. I have hope, and a lot of veggies and oats. :)

Censorship

I haven't been posting lately and I finally realized why. I've been censoring myself. This is my place to write, to get things out. So why I'm censoring I'm not sure. Fear of repercussion maybe? Well, I'm done with that. I have no reason not to talk here. If people are reading it and get upset.. well, too fucking bad.  I don't want to hear about it, from anybody whether I know you in person or not. I've been avoiding questions, yet again.. not doing that anymore.

The first question I get is why I don't write as much anymore. For the most part, that right there is my answer. Some is inspiration, and lack of activities to share but most of it is not wanting to deal with backlash from some people.

The second, and more popular question is what happened with Cael? Well, quite frankly a lot. A lot of it I hid from here because people didn't need to know or I wasn't in the right space with it to share. But this last time? I went up there and he told me we couldn't have sex. Literally the day after I left he cheated on me. He came back and told me and we broke up not long after that because "he can't work on himself when he's worried he's going to hurt me," and so on. This was after we broke up the first time and he came crawling back. We decided to work on the friendship. It was going well, we were friends again.. we trusted each other again and started adding parts of a real relationship back into it. He was actually treating me like a GF, not just somebody he hides away and takes out when he's bored like he was before. I was happy for the first time in years, then one day he comes home and tells me that he went on a date with a girl (that he lied about by the way. I was told he was doing one thing when he was doing another,) and he was going to see her again, that she was great for him, and he can't stay away. He went on to gush about her, which was lovely of him btw and that he wanted to be friends. I told him to leave me alone and that I needed time  to get to that point. Well, a little over a month went by. I was finally getting to the point where I could maybe talk to him and not bawl, or get angry or set myself back in any ways. I went camping and came home to see that he'd deleted me on facebook. That? Was the icing on the asshole cake.

I


 still have his cell number. I could text him, but I wont. Why? Because I KNOW why he deleted me. I know the excuse and brush off I'm going to get, and quite honestly I don't want to deal with it. I know him well. I know what I'd be told and why. I know most everything including things he didn't tell me. Like I know the reason he came back the first time was he was lonely because nobody else just fell at his feet and let him use them whenever he wanted. He didn't "need me and miss me" he missed how I treated him because nobody else would treat him like I did, would make him their top priority like I did. He used me to get what he wanted and he's done it time and time again but I always went with it hoping on the odd chance that it'd work out. He used me for play time when nobody else was available. He used me until he found a "real gf." He lied to me, a lot. I over looked 98% of it and never said a thing because I loved him and hoped he'd sort himself out. He finally started to and he left. For the last time. I am not doing this with him again. The emotional abuse was too much. He finally killed any sort of love I felt for him. I feel used. If he loved me like he said he did he never would have been able to do the things he did to me. Ever. He treated me like shit for a long, long time. I'm  out. I'm done. That is why we're finished and even now I could write more... pages and pages more. That's how much he's done in the last few years. I don't need that and I wont take it. I am the kind of person that when I love somebody I will do anything to make it work, to fix things. He'd take advantage of that and then stop working to fix things after a bit and back slide and I'd let him do it because I liked being with him. At this point, I really dare him to try coming back again. I'm not the same person anymore and it's entirely his fault. He killed that part of me for him.

In the big picture, I'm totally fine. I'm not upset about it anymore. But some effects linger. I still randomly cry. Not over him and the break up, but for no reason. It started about 2 years ago. He had me so wound up with what was happening to me/him/us and all the lies and BS he pulled that I couldn't cry. I was too tightly wound. The only time I could cry was when something affected me.. a song, a book, a show. It didn't even have to be sad. Just an emotional chink in the wall and it'd come rushing through. I was NEVER like that before. I very rarely if ever cried, pain and death weren't even enough to do it. And now, I cry at the drop of a hat. I don't know how to stop and unwind myself emotionally. The dam cracks and I cry a bit and patch it up simultaneously. I don't know how to stop that process. I don't know how to unwind and come back to center. Quite honestly, with everything that happened I do need therapy. I know I am emotionally fucked up, probably some mental shit as well. This at the very least has taught me self preservation. You can damn well bet the next time I'm going to choose me every time.


I'm going to do my best from now on to write more. I have no reason to censor myself so we'll see how it goes.  

It Happens

I've been ordering and receiving toys for years now. I have dildos, vibrators - some luxury vibrators, some not - as well as clamps, clit vibes, anal toys and smattering those that fall in between. I figured it out yesterday. I have over $2000 worth of toys and products. Eventually, it was bound to happen, and yesterday it did.

Did somebody discover my collection? Did one of them break down and need tossing? Have I run out of storage space? No. Well, storage space yes but that was a long time ago. What happened you asked?

Well I'll tell you. You all know how I'm in love with the G4 Fun Factory line yes? Well, when I seen they had a rabbit it was a matter of immediate lust. I have been lusting for months. Scrimping and saving. Finally! FINALLY I had enough to order. It showed up on Thursday. I pulled it out of the box, stroked it. Admired how beautiful it is, how smooth and flawless. I plugged it in and waited patiently while it charged and then it came. It was time to use it. I turn it on and place it inside my sex furniture pillow specifically made for being ridden. I straddle it, sink down and start moving.

That ladies and gentlemen is how I stayed for almost an hour.

I have NEVER in my life taken that long to orgasm. So, I thought it was me. Maybe this position just doesn't work with this toy. Being nothing but thorough I decide I need a new position. I have to complete the testing process... it was purely for the science of it *smirks* Now, there I am, on my back. Still. Nothing. Finally I give. I use the toy like a regular vibrator and use my fingers on my clit... and orgasm.

The problem lays herein people:

Paul is wonderful. Paulina? She needs some fucking work. The vibrations don't travel up her, she's too shot and not sturdy enough. This toy in general is a complete waste for me.

With that said I have several others that work perfectly. So, what have we learned today?  We have learned that not all toys work for everyone and that we should never, ever give up the search for the one that works. It's for science after all. Now, go forth and find your orgasm!

An Ode To Tequila

Thursday was good. Very good. I spent the night with my brother and his girlfriend watching cartoons and eating pizza. It was relaxing and hilarious because my brother is 6'2'', almost 200 pounds and his girlfriend who is half his size can take him down in seconds. I got pictures for blackmail later on. After that I logged on to FL and started talking to a friend I hadn't talked to in months. Things evolved. By the end of the night I'd had 7 orgasms and my hearing and mobility had taken a hike.

I haven't had that many orgasms in MONTHS, let alone orgasms that were just there and didn't require me to focus as hard as I could on one thing so I didn't think of another. He helped that.. a lot. I thoroughly enjoyed it. After that I ran a bath and put in one of my Lush bath bombs  and sat for over an hour then passed out in bed almost instantly.

Friday, I woke up and... I was happy. I've been happy before that but it was a different happy. A content, calm, satisfied happy that lasted all day. I floated through the day not worrying about shit or being irritated by anything that happened. That night I curled up in a chair on the deck in front of the fire and had a few drinks with my mother.

I enjoyed my time with him enough it made the next day better, easier even. It reminded me that I am wanted, and that I can enjoy things with other people. I'm still in a pretty good mood actually.

Today I plan on grocery shopping because pretty much all we have in the house right now is corn. Then I'm going to phone Lady Di and see if she worked out plans to go into the nearby city with me for a day of shopping and drinks. I was just in the city the other day but it was a terrible shopping fail. Spent two hours in a car to go to the mall and spend $20. Granted it was at Lush but still. I'd wanted to find a few more things, as well as something for my niece. I'm hoping to find her a pretty little necklace or a ring. I'm not sure yet. My aunt got me a ring when I was a baby. When she was gone for years I knew she loved me and thought about me, it was important to me. My first real piece of jewelery and keepsake. My niece completely deserves that.

A Drink Away From Being Awesome

I spent the day yesterday with my friend R and her baby girl. It was great. It was distracting which is exactly what I needed. We spent the day wandering around town shopping and playing with her baby. I spent most of the time holding her, and carting her around with me. Apparently she's a fan :)

Right now I'm focusing on cleaning and getting my parents 25th anniversary party together. People make this job that should be easy, a real pain in the ass. *shakes head*

In garden news the lettuce has been harvested once and I currently have about 30 tomatoes on the plants and one ripening in the window. I am ecstatic.

Deep Breath In Baby

Now, two things have been lacking from this blog of mine. Have you noticed them? Because I sure as hell have.

1. This SEX BLOG has been lacking sex. For years. The fuck?! I say!

2. EdenFantasys sex toys posts have been absent as well.

Now, the second can easily remedy itself as well as the first. See, thing is the program I used to be in to blog about Edenfantasys was discontinued. It has now been reinstated! So, lack of EF? Solved! And what do I get for doing these posts? Gift cards. To buy sex toys. Which solves PART of the lack of sex thing on this blog.

I do have plans to solve the other part as well by the way. I'm now, officially, for absolutely, positively the last fucking time, single (Possibly more on that later). So.. I am free to do what and who the fuck I want. I plan to take advantage of this and quite honestly EdenFantasys? They're gonna help. With the array of high quality sex toys, I plan to have me some fun.

Paddles.

Anal toys.

Luxury dildos.

All good things to use as a twosome or more-some. Now, it's just a matter of picking somebody to help me try some new toys out, and quite frankly I can't fucking wait. The squee, people? I have it.

Now, to get me started, I am ordering me a luxury vibrator. The Fun Factory G4 Paul and Paulina. I have a gift vibe to toss out and it obviously needs replaced. This baby? It's it. The G4 line is amazingly powerful and I cannot wait to get my hands on this whimsical thing. It's rechargeable. It's Silicone. It's rabbit style. It's mouthwateringly, groin throbbingly, orgasm inducing. If I could only use one toy for the rest of my life, it would be this toy. It's has everything.

Winner Announcement

Our Random Number is 7 which means that Lexi has won for comment:

LexiJuly 8, 2012 9:57 AM

I followed you!

Please email me at serenesub@hotmail.ca so I may pass on your info to pinkcherry and you can go spend your prize!

Thanks for entering everybody, and I hope to be able to do this with you all again soon.

Pingyow

It's been quiet around here.. I know. I don't have a lot to say so I'm bullet pointing since none of this would really make a full post.

• I seem to be going through one of those technology blips where I'm just not on it a lot. I haven't been writing here a lot but I also haven't really been on facebook or any other site. I also haven't been talking to a lot of people via text either. I'm in a happy little rut that consists of talking to Cael, reading, cooking, gardening and sitting in the sun. It's...restful and peaceful and happy which is something I haven't felt in a long long time. 
• Cael and I have moved into a Daddy/little girl type feel lately. I've had trouble even calling him Cael the last few times I've written here. It feels more right to call him Daddy right now. For the most part it was a choice he made a bit ago and liked the taboo aspect. I do not have a little in me. I enjoy the warmth and protection and soft fuzzy feeling calling him Daddy gives me.. we both get what we want out of it. And it drives him up the wall so ya know.. works for me :) Thus if I refer to my daddy.. it's him. 
• My garden is actually growing.. and by growing I mean going out of control. I have about 15 - 20 tomatoes waiting to ripen right now and enough lettuce to fill a Rubbermaid tub. My jalapenos and cucumbers seem to be coming along as well as my green onions. This is the first year shit is actually growing. I am beyond happy about it. 
• I invested in some new friends recently. A bunch of garden gnomes... some faeries and gargoyles and they're just awesome. They all have a different personality as well. Believe me, I know this. 
• I had pasta for dinner today. Which isn't a big deal but it's always the dish I make when I'm missing Cael. It just reminds me of him. He loves mushrooms and loves onions, it has both and is fairly close to something he makes it's just over pasta. It's homey and comforting to me. Which sounds ridiculous but it's true.

Vacation Treats

(UPDATE: I will make a new post on the 24th announcing the winner, and asking them to email me so I can pass on their email address. Again, good luck guys!)

Hey all, I know I haven't posted in a while and this time there is actually a really good reason for that. I have been on vacation. It was awesome for the most part. My cousin got married and had a camp out beforehand. I love camping, but with allergies it doesn't always love me. It wasn't bad though!

Now, being the awesome hostess that I am, I knew I couldn't go on vacation and come back with nothing for my lovely readers. As you know I finished my last review item for PinkCherry.com and after some emailing back and forth not only have they sent me more products to review for you but they've given me something for you as well. So, our gift to you is a $50 shopping spree at PinkCherry.com Now, if you've forgotten let me tell you why this is awesome. The contest is open to anybody in Canada or the continental USA BECAUSE they have an American site and a Canadian one so you don't have to pay ridiculous border fees out of that $50 they're giving you. Just your standard shipping fees, which of course means you can spend more!

To enter I'm going to make this really easy on you all. I know I've talked to more than one of you about contests and have been told that you hate the rafflecopter method. So, to enter? Just leave me a comment telling me what you'd buy on your shopping spree and I'll use a random number generator to choose a winner. That's it. Simple! Once I have a winner I will pass your info on to Nancy from PinkCherry.com and she will contact you with your gift card code.

Because I love you all I'm going to give you some bonus entries here:

Follow me on twitter.
 
Follow PinkCherry.com on twitter.

For every entry leave a separate comment. If you do all three entry options and leave it all in one comment you only get one entry. 

This contest will run until July 23, when I will choose a winner and all entries after that date will not be counted.

Good luck you guys!!

(To clarify : 1 comment telling me what you'd buy.  Another separate comment saying you followed me on twitter. And yet another comment saying you followed PinkCherry. All together you should have submitted three different comments to get all three entries even if I know that you follow me. The number of comments is what will be counted, nothing else.)

Good Day

Today was a good day. Cael and I talked and we finally got the social networking site figured out and opened up so I can see his page. Stupidly enough I feel a lot more secure now that it is. We also talked a bit about what I found on there and cleared some things up, which again is good.

Things with him have been going really well. It's been nice. Of course, outside of him my world is making up for it. I have a suicidal friend with a little daughter, whose fiance just broke up with her. I have an aunt I love to bits that's divorcing my  uncle. I have an 8 hour drive to get to a wedding to see a cousin I merely tolerate get married. I do like his wife though. And then as an added bonus I ended up in the ER last night with my breathing issues.

Tonight, I am going to bed early. 

Skinny Dipping Assistance

Today is a sad, sad day. Today I am reviewing the last piece of a care package I was sent by PinkCherry.ca I held out on review this item for a very specific reason: I wanted it to be warm outside. Why you ask? Well let me tell you.

This toy is technically a tub toy. It floats, and changes colors to light up the room and vibrates. Now, I've used this in the tub and it's awesome. It gives off nice soft, romantic flattering light in alternating colors in pink, green, blue and a yellow-orange. This? Is the Luminescence floating mood light massager by Cal Exotics. The light bounces off the walls of the tub as well as the walls of the room so it creates a really calm affect. The vibrations of this toy are strong and constant and not too buzzy.

I did however notice that in a metal tub it reverberated the sound. A lot. In a plastic tub however it didn't do that at all. So if noise is a factor for you, that's something to consider.

Now, why did I wait for it to be warm? Baths can be taken any time of year right? Well. Yes. However, this thing? Would make a kick ass accomplice to skinny dipping in the pool at night. It would give you enough light to see your partner or what you're doing and it's an impromptu sex toy "IF" things take that turn.  I absolutely love the versatility of this toy! I actually have it tucked safely away just so that I can do the skinny dipping thing. So, go out and grab one of these  take over the pool tonight!

Hormonal Nonesense

Cael did something awesome today. He unblocked me on a social networking site. It had been bugging me for quite a while and things finally seem to be going well and I think he seen the necessity of it or at least seen how much it upset me. Of course most of the profile is empty and the part of me that's still a little scared to trust him is eating at me wondering WHY he deleted it all. Why it looks so sparse.. is it really deleted or am I just set to only see certain things? And who is this girl one of his family members mentioned kissing him better? Is she who he says or is it or was it more and he just doesn't want to tell me. Seriously. This is my mind when it goes inward and dark. Normally I don't say anything but he and I are working really hard to rebuild trust and saying nothing would have been wrong. So I mentioned it and he said who she was and that he'd ask his family to lay off that a bit. But I don't want to be that person ya know? We plan to be together for.. ever really. I don't want to start out being that girl that couldn't handle the family joke. I don't know why but I do get jealous with him. I have NEVER been a jealous person, but I totally am with him. I react to him in ways I never thought possible for me. Both good and bad clearly. I have to work really hard to get my head out of that place. That place has been very, very rare lately. The better we do the more secure I am and the less grasp that mindset has on me. But, with everything that's happened between him and I over the years it's still there a bit. And I feel terrible for that because I know he's been trying to so hard. This is why I think I need a bit of therapy. This can't be normal. But of course at the same time the sane rational part of my mind is thinking that it's good he deleted the posts as a redo because seeing them would have upset me. It also knows that he really has no reason to lie about this girl because we aren't together right now and he's never lied about girls before, even when he knew what he did would hurt me. He told me. Plus, if he plans on being with me like he says then the truth would come out anyways so why lie?  He also knows very well that chances are good at some point I'm going to get a glimpse of his social networking profile so customizing my settings would be really stupid and just  cause a fight later.

I've noticed that these moods get WAY worse during my period the last year or so. I think changing my BC method may be a good answer here as well as for my cervix issues. I think the hormone blend I'm on is starting to mess with me a bit. I always was a little more touchy on my period but never this much. Never this irrational. Definitely going to have to phone in and make a doctors appointment tomorrow. This post really has no point other than I needed to get this out of me and Cael has gone to bed. Which he does deserve and I left him to. He's doing everything he can to make me feel secure and loved and wanted. And it's definitely working. Damn this period bullshit -.-  It started last night.. the day before and will go until probably Sunday or Monday. If it wouldn't throw me into early menopause I'd say gut it all but that would be even worse on us. So, until then I just tell him the truth and then apologize for being stupid. I promise I'll get my pills and hormones sorted Daddy(Yes. Daddy. But that's for another post :) ).

'Splodey Loins

As I mentioned Cael has been awesome lately. We ended up playing a bit the other night. I can't help it. *hangs head* I can't get enough of him. It's like an addiction. The day after I expected not to hear from him. He had told me he would be busy so I assumed I wouldn't hear from him until Sunday. He messaged me on his lunch break, and then all the way home and all the way to his meeting and then again after his meeting. This is something even three weeks ago wouldn't have happened. (Of course he has been getting progressively better.) He messaged to check up on me.. make sure I was okay and didn't have any regrets or was feeling off from what happened after having said no for so long. I told him I was feeling a little insecure and I told him why. He said he'd fix the issue I was having when he got home that night. Of course he didn't because I'm sure he sat down and passed out but I know he's going to fix it.. I don't doubt it anymore. We also talked about how he'd been hot and cold on me for a long time. He hasn't done it in quite a while excusing the silence we had for a bit that was for a good reason. He's been really good actually. He's even been telling me when he'll be away or busy. This pretty much means the world to me. Being so far apart it's the only way I know the difference between him being busy and not answering and something going really wrong so he's not answering. The amount of effort he's putting into this... how hard he's trying.. it sounds really stupid but when I think about it or talk to him about it I actually tear up. It means THAT much.

I'm happy lately. I've had a couple people try to take me back down off that high and for the most part I understand why but it also bugs me. I know what he's done in the past. So does he, believe me, I've told him what he's done and how it upset me. He hasn't once denied it or tried to defend himself. He knows he had problems, and that he hurt me with them and he's trying to fix that and he's apologized a lot. A lot of those hurts that were made are healing, getting less stingy. He's become my safe spot again, and I found out the other day that I'm his. It's reassuring and ...right. I like that I'm where he goes when he's upset. I love being that for him. He's also told me that he wants me, and can't stay away from me, all those feelings I have towards him he has them towards me. He's never told me any of that before. I feel like I matter now, like I'm where I'm supposed to be. *shrugs* Just been a good week so far.

Speaking of a good week I had friends visiting the other day. I haven't seen this friend in years and we spent a good time talking about her relationship with her fiance.  For as explosive as the relationship with Cael was he never directly set out to hurt me like her fiance is. He's told her that he hates her, that he doesn't love her anymore and is only there for their baby girl. He's threatened to walk out, forced her to have her daughter when she said she wasn't ready and then told her he wasn't sure he wants her anymore, and then went as far as to tell her that if she is pregnant again like she suspects if she gets an abortion he'll leave her... even though he doesn't want the first child anymore and she's not even able to support herself let alone a baby plus another on the way. I kinda wanna hurt him..  a lot. However, I had an awesome time with her around and playing with her baby. She asked me to be an aunt since she's an only child. So I guess technically she's my niece. That's kinda cool. I'm excited about it. I love spending time with them. I'm definitely going to have to do some more of it.

Cael and I have talked about babies. Most recently when my cervix was having it's moment. We both agreed it will be a long, long time before we have them and I'll have a ring on my finger and we'll be stable again before it happens. I refuse to sacrifice our relationship to have a baby. I always have. But.. after spending some time with my niece gods I want one! I'm hoping spending lots of time with her will erase that particular want. That's totally plausible right?

First World Sex Problems

Lube covered anal toys are not easy to pick up if you drop them.

Water Works

Last night I had one of those moments that completely overwhelmed me. One of those moments where you realize how much you love somebody, and how much they love you. I was not prepared for it. At all. I was talking to Cael and he was playing around as he tends to do, teasing me and baiting me trying to get me to engage his evil. Yes. He has one. Then out of nowhere he suddenly gets serious and tells me that he's worried about me, and wants me to start doing better and so on. He explained why and that he knows I've been tense and stressed and not just about stuff with him. And quite honestly it floored me. He'd never done something like that before, yes he'd say he was sad when I was sick or frown when I was upset. But, he's never picked up on something like this before I have and told me about it and made me see it and try to fix it. I'm sure it was there before but it was just never used, by the time we got there he'd withdrawn *shrugs* So, seeing that he really does know me that well, know me better than I know myself. Seeing that he really does care a lot, and love me and want to help me... it's all kind of new...and extremely reassuring. We talked quite a bit about that and I ended up in tears. Both from that revelation and everything else he'd said to me earlier that day. He basically told me when we get back together and have that trust back he wants more control that he had last time, more structured control not just letting it flow like last time, essentially he wants his hand at my throat guiding me at all times. When we were together, I wanted that. I wanted that a lot, and I never told him that so that he's wanting it now is... amazing and overwhelming. Part of me so relieved because I naturally respond like that with him. The other part of me is scared, that I'll fail and not be good enough, that he'll withdraw again because that's what happened last time and this way will take a lot more effort and commitment from him (which by the way, we talked about and we're good,) and quite honestly a little part of me is vaguely scared of him. Well, that's not fair, I'm not scared of him. I just know his anger fully now, and that's a lot of trust to put into somebodies hands that up until now I haven't had to do. Part of the withdrawing was I was basically dominating myself for a long time, it's ... overwhelming. But at the same time, it'll probably be easier to get there this time. I was at that point last time where I wanted under his boot all the time, but this time he's a lot more involved with me.. more attentive and caring and I know beyond a doubt now that he loves me. I think that'll help. It's just been a really long time since not only we've had that kind of relationship but since I alone have. I want it but it's worrisome and a little scary until you're in it. It always is.

...but anyways, after we talked about me being stressed and I started crying he told me he wanted to hug me. I don't think he's ever said that to me. It meant a ridiculous amount to me. He's getting better, and getting to be himself again. He's getting to be that guy that I fell for years ago, not the closed off one I've had for over a year. It's like everything is new again. I feel loved and cared for and safe. ... and I'm crying again. It's completely impossibly to explain the emotions.. the amount everything means. This is why I stayed. I knew somewhere in there was this guy. It feels safe, and beyond right. Even now when we aren't really together, it feels a lot better than it ever did before. It feels wrong to be away from him, and wrong is a complete understatement but even with that it feels better. It's like some little part of me that was holding her breath, can finally breathe again. He really is home. It may take months upon months for him to be stable enough to date again.. but that's okay. I know where I stand with him and for the first time I'm not really worried about it. All that reassurance I needed before ... I don't really need it anymore because for the first time ever I know exactly how he feels because he's finally telling me. There are totally some tense sticky points with him still, but I'm happy. I'm always happy when I'm talking to him, and when things are like this I stay happy even when he's at work and can't talk or has meetings. I'm more secure with him now even though we aren't dating than I was when we were because he's around more, he's insanely attentive lately and just.. his usual self. I love it, and I love him pieces. That's why I'm crying right now, yet again got smacked in the face with it. I suppose it's better than having a penis do it. *ahem* Almost.

*Sucks Front Teeth*

Quite honestly that's the kind of day I'm having. It's just a lonely, bored, meh kind of day. Last night Lady Di came out and we had our movie night. It was fun, and we talked and it was just a nice break. We talked about going to a movie and dinner today but she ended up deciding to go out to her parents house to help build a deck or fence or something. So I'm hoping we can do it next weekend or even sometime during the week.  I also plan on doing a BBQ with her, her brother and her sister in law. They're awesome and hilarious and it just seems like it would be a lot of fun.. and a good break. I'm into breaks from reality lately.

I went out and checked my garden yesterday. It is doing awesome considering I didn't expect anything to grow. I have a ton of lettuce sprouting, some green onion grass/sprouts and even my cucumbers are starting to give me little leaves coming up through the dirt, not to mention my 13 tomato plants are all flowering. Yes. 13. Any other year I haven't gotten a damn thing so I got that many thinking at least ONE of them should give me a single tomato (which would be more than I've ever gotten) Yeah. All flowering. Should be interesting. On top of the fact I have kittens in my garden. No really. I seen a little paw print a week or so ago in it and this morning I went out to water and seen a momma (one that was a stray and liked playing on our deck last year) that had two little grey kittens following her around. They're living beside the neighbors garage. And no. I'm not telling them. As long as they leave my garden alone and don't eat anything we can coexist peacefully. I have an animal soft spot, especially for strays so quite honestly if they picked on one plant and left the rest I'd be fine. And it does happen, it sounds weird but cats do eat veggies. Mine does. Freaks right out whenever I bring in herbs, celery or lettuce to the house. *shakes head*   Oh! Speaking of herbs I bought a little thing of basil. I'm going to need more but it was half price because the hail got it but it's fine so I grabbed it while I could. The one stalk is fucking huge. I'm excited. I love veggies and herbs, it's healthy and it gives me something to do.

I'm hoping to be able to finish the new deck off soon. It's built but I plan to surround it with trees for a wind break, get some chairs and a propane fire pit (allergies) for down there.  I think reading down there would be ridiculously peaceful. I've spent most of my days lately sitting on the upper deck reading to begin with. I think I've gone through 7 or 8 books in just over a week. I also finally got some words down on the page for a story. First time in years I've actually had a start to a story.

The One Where Hilarity Ensues

The last few days have been uneventful really for the most part. I haven't heard from Cael. I assume he's busy. *shrugs* The man knows my number, both literally and figuratively. I've done a lot of reading, just.. essentially taking some down time so my mind stops racing and it has.

However, there is a point to this post. That point my favoritest pervs, is Lady Di. Lady Di was married to my uncle. As of Tuesday he decided they were done. Yeah. I am not impressed. He's always had his head up his ass, but she seemed to have straightened him out and bit to the point he actually had his life going well for the first time in over 40 years. Well, he fucked up, and he fucked up huge. Instead of sticking around and dealing with it he has been dodging her. He decided to do her the favor of leaving while he sorted himself out.  But instead of going "Ya know, I fucked up. I need to clean my act up and fix this." He went with "Gee, i fucked up and really don't want to deal with it. So instead of manning up and dealing with my issues I'm going to run and hide and leave the only person that has ever believed in me, gone out of their way to help me, cared about me more than anybody else and invested themselves in me so I don't have to change." And yes, I realize that Cael has essentially done the same thing however Cael does still talk to me, he lets me know what he's doing, how therapy is going and what all he's doing to fix and control his issues. He removed his head from his ass, and seen the problems. My uncle? Not so much, it is so far up there it's back out the other fucking side so he doesn't see it. He did shit all on his own without a word to her so she was in the dark. Then things started not adding up when we'd all talk. But she stayed, she loves him even though he has screwed her over several ways. I'm a little pissed honestly. So as far as I'm concerned he can go ahead and divorce her. I'm losing an uncle, not an aunt which in all honesty was years coming. This was just the last straw. And this? Is actually calm. I ranted so hard the other day I had Lady Di in tears she was laughing so hard. Apparently I get funny when I'm pissed and wanting to rip his only remaining nut off.

But, since I am still seeing Lady Di we are having a movie night friday and I am so excited. I love movie nights with her. We feed off of each other.. hard. Add alcohol and kids movies and it's a wicked combination. It's like Sephi and I x 50.

She has been taking a belly dancing class lately. I know some of you are thinking "Oh serene, did she ask you to do it with her? Oh that would be awesome and hilarious!" And yeah, it would be. It already is with just her and her sister in law. Adding me would just make it worse. But no. She didn't ask me to join. That class.  No, no. She wants me to do a class with her in fall. It's a burlesque class. I'd get to use a cane. I am intrigued. Oh, yes it will be hilarious. I will fall off chairs.. strangle myself with the boa and generally make an asshole out of myself but that's what the two of them are doing in the belly dancing class as well sooo... I'm considering it depending on the price of the class. You should all be scared. Very, very scared. So if you live in my area and are taking that class and see a group of women in the back of the room cackling and generally just heckling one another as they go.. stand back. That's all I'm saying. Three accident prone people, with little grace and very little athleticism in a dance class. Just, just stay back.

Confessional

I wrote a post today. A long one too. All about Cael and I'm staying and what's happening and I published it. Then I walked out of the room and felt insanely vulnerable and unhappy with the post. So I deleted it. I just couldn't capture what I was trying to get across in it properly so I thought it best not to leave it up. Of course Cael still got it. Being that he's directly signed up to the blog in my setting he gets posts instantly. Of course he knows what I was trying to say because I've said all of it to him several times so I know with him at least he'll get it and know what I was trying to get across. He always does. *shrugs*So yes. I may try writing it again at some point but right now, I'm just drained from it and honestly a post about random things sounds really good.

First of all, I'm not dieing. There is no cancer, or infection. My doctor isn't sure what's going on in my vagina but we're working on it. He wants to switch my birth control method and test me again in a couple months to see if that fixes it. If not, it may just be natural for me *shrugs* He even asked if I was having more sex than usual because it could be a sensitivity or allergy to semen. Heh. No. I haven't had sex in.. well. A really long time. Long enough I'm not counting it in months anymore. Cael suggested it was lack of sex, that I actually needed sex to be normal. If nothing else it made me laugh :) Hopefully we'll get to try out that theory sooner than later.

I finally got to go shopping yesterday. First time in over a week. Having a teenage boy in the house.. your food diminishes quickly. It was not a cheap trip. But! I did get the stuff to make roasted salsa and it amazing good. Which, by the way I put in jars to freeze. I opened the freezer this morning and apparently some time over night some of the jars rebelled. Two had lids popped off of them. The third jar... it shattered. That was a fun wake up. Today I have bread to make.. mostly because I just wanna. I like making bread. I find it oddly soothing.

The last few days have done nothing but rain here. The first night we had tornado warnings. Two of them touched down.. on either side of us. It was a fun night. Somehow my plants managed to survive the rain, hail and wind. My tomatoes are flowering (!!!) and I seen the tips of some lettuce starting to poke up in the other garden. My basil, however is still a no show. I'm pretty much at the fuck it point and plan on buying a basil plant in the next week or so.

Other than that there isn't much going on. Family drama has irrupted in unbelievable ways. Drama llama does not even begin to cover it. It's more elephanty at this point. I've managed to bury myself in talking to Cael and reading. In four days I Think I've read six books. I bought two more of them yesterday and already finished the one. My nerd? It's showing.