Thursday, June 21, 2012

Hormonal Nonesense

Cael did something awesome today. He unblocked me on a social networking site. It had been bugging me for quite a while and things finally seem to be going well and I think he seen the necessity of it or at least seen how much it upset me. Of course most of the profile is empty and the part of me that's still a little scared to trust him is eating at me wondering WHY he deleted it all. Why it looks so sparse.. is it really deleted or am I just set to only see certain things? And who is this girl one of his family members mentioned kissing him better? Is she who he says or is it or was it more and he just doesn't want to tell me. Seriously. This is my mind when it goes inward and dark. Normally I don't say anything but he and I are working really hard to rebuild trust and saying nothing would have been wrong. So I mentioned it and he said who she was and that he'd ask his family to lay off that a bit. But I don't want to be that person ya know? We plan to be together for.. ever really. I don't want to start out being that girl that couldn't handle the family joke. I don't know why but I do get jealous with him. I have NEVER been a jealous person, but I totally am with him. I react to him in ways I never thought possible for me. Both good and bad clearly. I have to work really hard to get my head out of that place. That place has been very, very rare lately. The better we do the more secure I am and the less grasp that mindset has on me. But, with everything that's happened between him and I over the years it's still there a bit. And I feel terrible for that because I know he's been trying to so hard. This is why I think I need a bit of therapy. This can't be normal. But of course at the same time the sane rational part of my mind is thinking that it's good he deleted the posts as a redo because seeing them would have upset me. It also knows that he really has no reason to lie about this girl because we aren't together right now and he's never lied about girls before, even when he knew what he did would hurt me. He told me. Plus, if he plans on being with me like he says then the truth would come out anyways so why lie?  He also knows very well that chances are good at some point I'm going to get a glimpse of his social networking profile so customizing my settings would be really stupid and just  cause a fight later.

I've noticed that these moods get WAY worse during my period the last year or so. I think changing my BC method may be a good answer here as well as for my cervix issues. I think the hormone blend I'm on is starting to mess with me a bit. I always was a little more touchy on my period but never this much. Never this irrational. Definitely going to have to phone in and make a doctors appointment tomorrow. This post really has no point other than I needed to get this out of me and Cael has gone to bed. Which he does deserve and I left him to. He's doing everything he can to make me feel secure and loved and wanted. And it's definitely working. Damn this period bullshit -.-  It started last night.. the day before and will go until probably Sunday or Monday. If it wouldn't throw me into early menopause I'd say gut it all but that would be even worse on us. So, until then I just tell him the truth and then apologize for being stupid. I promise I'll get my pills and hormones sorted Daddy(Yes. Daddy. But that's for another post :) ).

No comments:

Post a Comment