Tuesday, April 27, 2010

For Nilla

Nilla asked me a question and after reading it, it seemed I hadn't done the best job of explaining things and getting what I needed to out there so I'm posting her question and my answer here. The fact that I wrote so much really helps the whole "needs a post" thing.   


"Okay, you may hate me when i’m done here.  

I wonder, truly wonder, if your Master is still your master. Sorry, serene, it just seems rather….hmmm…strange? that He is completely unavailable 24/7. I mean, no one works 24/7.  

even cops, nurses, etc…they may work 12, 14 hour shifts, but there is always *some* downtime. Some wee moment of the day to text “thinkin’ of you.” Hell, he could txt from the toilet…i’ve done that myself. A quickie text that takes 2 seconds to type and send. Who the hell would be the wiser ?  

It seems unexcusable that if he has “left” you like this, that he would not come out and say so. Unnecessarily cruel, imho. Leaving you hanging.  

And what if, after weeks with no hearing he comes back and says hey baby.  

Are you really ready to support and be with someone who would treat you that way?  

even the strictest D/s relationships i know of don’t work that way…their dynamic is built, firstly, on mutual trust.  

It just seems to me that there is something off in this relationship.  

I don’t know you. You seem very young. Still at home, still under some control of your parents. You don’t work, and do some schooling?  

Honey, you do what feels best for you, but from this old lady’s perspective, you’ve been taken for a ride. Off a long dusty highway. And left there.  

I beg you to calmly, clearly, reread your blog. He’s supposed to come home to you? But a date? a time? and no contact *ever* except for one word ??? After weeks of silence? This is not a relationship, serene. *shakes head*  

This is not a relationship, not even slave-based.  

This will be hard for you to read, i know.
Harder still for you to step back a pace, and to take that long hard look at your life.

I am not in your shoes. I do not live your life.  

but you do not seem happy.  

and i so wish for you to be.  

Please take this for the spirit of which it is intended. As caring. As an outside observer.  

I hope you find your path to the one you are meant to be with. I hope if it is your master, that he cares and nurtures you…because i just am not seeing that happening.  




I’m going to take that a paragraph at a time so I don’t confuse either one of us. (By the way, if any of this sounds pissy, I apologize. I’m not meaning it to but I barely slept last night so my wording is most likely crap today.)

I don’t hate you. I completely understand where you’re coming from. I’ve wondered if he’s still my master. I’ve wondered if I’m still owned. I too think that it’s strange but at the same time I’ve known this guy for a couple years, I know what his ex gfs think of him and I know what his job is like and what his work ethic is like.

He doesn’t have down time because he’s the only person in charge, if he’s not training people, setting up stores, delivering products, pitching, checking up on people, doing paperwork and training himself for his new position then everything falls apart. He doesn’t have a second banana; he’s the only one. He controls the market in the biggest city in Canada plus 5 or 6 smaller cities around it. He works all day and drives/works all night usually. When he’s not he passes out instantly because he is constantly working. I’m honestly surprised that he hasn’t worked himself to the point of being sick, maybe that’s what happened, I don’t know. I’ve thought that he could text me from the bathroom too; I know it only takes two seconds to text “mine.”  I’m upset that he hasn’t text me but there is a million reasons why he hasn’t. First, he’s male…guys sometimes don’t think that way. He normally does if he’s as run down as I think he is… he’s probably barely functioning. It could be that he’s just having an unusually busy couple weeks. It’s happened before, and if his boss is around like they have been the last couple months then it would make sense he couldn’t text. There was weeks before where I would only get one or two texts when he got really busy so that makes sense. It could be that he gets to come home soon and has to focus on his job and he knows I won’t be going anywhere so he’s waiting. It could be that we’re done… but honestly. I don’t see it.  I don’t see it being another girl either and I’ve put a lot of thought into all these possibilities. He just doesn’t have time for that and he’s the type of guy that if he wanted another girl, he would break up with me first. Not because I’m delusional but because I know the kind of guy he is. Every single one of his ex gfs are still his friends, still love him to death as such because of how well he treats them. He’s not the kind of boyfriend to decide a relationship is over and just stop talking to the person. It’s not his personality; if it were over I would be told. I just know I would be, I’ve known him too long to think otherwise.

He’s been unable to talk for a while before so I don’t really see it as inexcusable unless he was out partying and just chose not to answer. I can’t be angry with him over a job he can’t control.   From the outside it looks inexcusable because without seeing how much time this job dominates it’s impossible to explain it.

If it takes a few weeks and he comes back with a “hey babe” I’d want to know what happened. I’d want to know why I wasn’t being answered and he’d be informed I’d want some warning but yes, I would still want to be with him. He’s a great guy; I refuse to let a couple weeks worth of insane busyness of whatever is going on ruin what has been going really well for a year and a half. If It was only a couple months into it… hell no, he’d be gone. But I don’t think a couple weeks worth of no contact (for a good reason if there is one) negates a whole relationship. Especially one that means so much to both of us. Even a few days before his last text he was calling me “his” and telling me how sorry he was that he had been so busy. If he seemed indifferent to it and the small pain (and it is a small pain compared to some of the things other guys have done to me. Which is kind of a measuring stick for this really which is why I’m not as outraged as you seem to be. I’ve been treated like dirt and been in an abusive relationship…this is like a tiny blip on the scale) it has caused me then I’d be more upset but he’s not. He knows and he makes up for and apologizes. 

We are definitely built on trust. That’s why I know damn well it’s not another girl and why I’m not getting too worked up that he’s left me because I trust him and I trust what he’s told me and drilled into my head. I don’t see being unable to talk as a reason to lose trust. Sure I get my head shoved up my ass from time to time and think like that but I eventually remember what he’s told me and pull myself out of it.

It seems like there’s something off because I started this blog when he was gone. I don’t have stories to post about the sex or the beatings because he’s been gone.  And mostly because a lot of the time I write my blog posts at night when I have nothing but time to sit and think and over think  and then my posts come out all twisted and upset because I’ve upset myself.  

I am young, but my maturity level is a lot higher than some of the 40 and 50 year olds I know. I am still at home because I’m taking some schooling and the plan I had made with master was to stay home until he got back and then move in with him. There’s no sense in me moving out for a couple months, going through all the crap to set that up only to have to repack everything, get rid of most of my stuff and move again. It’s just simpler for me to stay here. As far as control… not really. I pretty much run the house since my mother works and my father doesn’t cook and clean. And I am old enough that I do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it. The only thing they control is really where I do it because I have no interest in driving. If I really want to go somewhere I walk but it would be the same at masters. If I wanted to go somewhere far enough he’d drive me or I’d walk.

It is a relationship. It’s just not one you’d choose or choose to stay in. The way you describe what you have with your wife, it’s basically roommates at this point. I wouldn’t choose to stay there, I couldn’t  and I think it’s great that you’ve found another relationship. But, this is my relationship… I have no interest in walking away or finding another one. No relationship is perfect, and only this couple weeks have been the only bump him and I have had so far. I don’t think it’s worth throwing away a relationship and man I love over. On top of the fact, he is the best guy I’ve dated, when he’s around or even able to text I am deliriously happy and I refuse to give that up when I don’t know what’s going on. It could be nothing and I’d be throwing away pretty much the only thing I value over it. Plus, I’m property. Property does not walk away, if I was truly unhappy… yes I’d go. But I’m not. I’m happy where I am, I’m just not happy with the situation right now.  

I’ve taken that long hard look over the last couple weeks. That’s how I’ve come to these conclusions. I’m not just spewing them out of anger or naivety or some crazy illusions I’ve dug myself into. If it turns out that we are done, then/.. It’ll suck, but I’ll deal with it. And I’ll know that I did everything I could to make it work. I’ll know that it wasn’t my fault I lost something so precious to me, it was his. I refuse to be responsible for breaking something in me that big when I don’t need to and it probably isn’t even necessary.  

I seem unhappy because there are days where I let it get to me more than others. Days where I do get upset. But those days are fairly rare. I’m usually able to pull myself out of it. I post here to vent and get things out so I don’t hold them in and get unhappy. I use this blog almost as a catharsis. I need to write somewhere to get these feelings and thoughts out… so I come here instead of letting them drive me crazy. I usually write here at night… I feel lonely at night because nobody is able to talk… that amplifies it.  

I’m on the path I want to be on right now. It’s not a pretty, easy, flowery path but none of them are all the time. Every path has a twist or a bump but that doesn’t mean it’s the wrong path or that you should jump ship and pick a new one. Master completely cares and nurtures me. Not the last couple months because it’s pretty hard when he’s miles away, and communication is hard. There were times he phoned and fell asleep instantly. I’ve been told that one day he walked into his house, paused to take his coat off and woke up 6 hours later on his knees on the couch, face buried in the arm because he was so tired he stopped for a second and fell asleep still standing. It’s hard for him right now. When he was here he was the most caring, loving person I’d ever met. He put me on a diet because he wants me healthy. He wants me to write because he knows I love to do. He’s offered to allow me to stay at home so I can write and start sending my stories out to publishers while he went to work and supported both of us. If I have a health scare (excluding the last one) he’s right there holding my hand, giving advice and trying to make it easier on me. He does this and many many more things. But its hard to write about a years worth of things on a blog. I don’t remember them all, some are too private to share. Right now he’s not around to do all of these things but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t and hasn’t done them. I haven’t been writing long enough to get all these things in. Plus I have trouble remembering these things in detail enough to write about them. I will write about such things when he gets back and we get back to the way we were, there’s just not much point right now when what I would write probably would make no sense. You have to remember that I don’t write everything here. This is just a tiny little sliver of our life, of my emotions. 

I completely get where you’re coming from though. Maybe I haven’t done a good enough job of explaining why I wont give him up, or how caring and amazing he really is to me in previous blog posts. I know this was a caring comment and not a snippy one and I’m taking it as such. Again, I apologize for my wording and it’s bluntness but lack of sleep does a number on the brain. 

edit**  I just realized I missed a paragraph. It hasn't always been one or two words. For the longest time we were constantly texting. He would phone when he was in the bathroom or when he was sleeping in teh van outside a store. It's just been the last couple weeks it's been like this. That's part of why I'm not insanely. Upset. If it had been the whole 6 months that he's been gone then yes, I would be. But it hasn't. This is fairly new and not like him. Which is why I know it's most likely work related. Even for the last month that its been one or two words he's always made sure I knew Iw as wanted, was his and that he was sorry. It's a relationship, it's just not an easy one... but no relationship worth anything is easy. If it's easy all the time then something is up because everybody fights, everybody has bumps in the road. Lack of communication the last little bit doesn't mean I don't have a relationship. It means that reality has set in on our relationship and that it can't be perfect all the time. I understand that.

Also, every single D/s couple is different. So saying that "even the strictest D/s relationships i know of don’t work that way…" doesn't really apply. No relationship is the same, no D/s relationship is run the same. Really, you can take the D/s right out of this and it would still be the same issues and answers as far as I'm concerned.

Friday, April 23, 2010


Well, I have my new phone. I'm not entirely sure that I'm in love with it yet. I had my last phone for three years so this one will take some getting used to I guess. I'm constantly hitting wrong buttons because the keypad is smaller than I'm used to and I'm slow as hell on the slide out keyboard because it be tiny. I feel slightly gibbled really. It does have a Froggy Nights ringtone though and if you knew how much I loved the little frogs with red toeses you would be über happy for me. *Nods*

I sat down to do some work today. That lasted about two minutes. I can't seem to wrap my head around it today. I read a question and my mind boggled. 'Tis not my day for work.

I'm doing my best to follow Daddy's rules. I still haven't heard from him and I'm trying to make the best of it. I've tried distancing myself, trying being independent, and tried follow the rules. None of it felt right but this one feels the least weird to me right now.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Another Day.

Today was exactly that. Another day with no contact. Another day with a cold. Another day I push to get through.

I went in to get my new cell phone, I decided on an LG Banter. It's nice and isn't a flip phone so I can see me having to apologize for ass dialing people. I ended up not being able to bring the phone home. I'm sharing a plan with my family because it's cheaper and just makes sense.  However, it goes under my father's name and turns out that one of the bills got sent to a collection agency from when he was with this company years ago. BUT we were never sent a notice, never sent a bill. So all we can figure is that it got paid about the time they sent it so they just cancelled it but never changed the status on the file, so now we have to wait until tomorrow so the collection agency can be phoned and everything can be straightened out. I love my current phone, it's great... but it's three years old. It's time for a new one. This poor thing has been beat to shit but keeps on ticking. It's totally a kink worthy phone. I find myself familiar with it... beaten up but still working and really in good shape. I find familiarity in the weirdest places.

I spent some more time with my friend, we'll call him Chris because I'm getting tired of referring to him as "my friend." I think I'm getting more comfortable but it's a little difficult with limited time. The two times that Chris has been here he has stayed for maybe two hours then he leaves. It would be nice to actually spend some time with him and talk. Every time he's here my parents are around and they like him so... kinda hard to talk about what's going on when you're never alone for more than two minutes.

I've realized something the last few days. As I go to make my rounds in blogger land... I have trouble. I read some blogs and I am fine, I read others and I get upset. Not because what they're writing offends me or because I disagree with the blogger. I'm just having trouble reading submissive blogs. I can read The Healing Journey because she's in transition, I can read Seph's blog usually because it's about day to day life. But the others... the others I have trouble with because there's a lot of mentions of master's. And I totally don't blame them either, I'd be talking about my owner if I could too. I think it's part jealousy, part nerves, and just being plain upset. I'm just having trouble with it lately and it sucks because I love these blogs!


I'm beginning to wonder what has happened to Master. I mean, yes there is that little worm of doubt of whether he wants me and we're still together but lately, that has been giving way to something else. Worry. I'm worried. We have never, ever gone a week without talking to each other. That alone is worrisome. Add him not answering his phone, which is small considering I doubt he would answer if he was around a boss or employee but that he didn't text after is a big deal. Now, we add the hospital thing. I ended up in the hospital once before and he was all over it, wanting to make sure I was okay and nothing was seriously wrong. This time I don't even get a response.

Honestly, it is possible that this week has just been nuts for him. He's had weeks before where we barely talked, but with his boss around then I can see not talking at all. But really... this is sooooooo not like him at all. This is not something he would just do... it isn't and he's not the type to drag me along (I don't think) if he's considering it over. It's just not the way he functions. Something has to be up, this is not the way he is. I'm just hoping it's work and not something serious.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


A week of not answering texts. I finally broke and called him this morning. Something I don't do because I know he's always busy and with people he can't talk freely in front of. But I figured between being ignored and being in the hospital I was justified in phoning.

Apparently along with not answering my texts, he doesn't answer my calls.

Considering I already feel unwanted, not cared for and in all honestly like the world is crashing down around me I am now crying. Good news is that when I'm done crying I may have finally reached a point where I can just be pissed off.

"Hmm, so you do exist. It'd be nice to hear from ya."  That was what I left on his voice mail. Seems direct enough.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Nocturnal Insanity.

I just figured it out.... it's been a whole week since I have heard ANYTHING from master.

Batshit crazy? You bet!

I am slowly going crazy. Crazy going slowly am I.

Sunday, April 18, 2010


I'm totally not up to making a large post but I need to update. So, I will give short little blurbs and then elaborate on them another time if wanted, if not I will probably just let it all fall away into the blackhole that is my mind.

1. X-rays, 2 bouts on the oxygen mask with ventolin, 1 bout on the oxygen mask with a steroid. 1 IV, 3 trips to the bathroom where cookies I didn't even know I had were lost, one fainting spell, 1 respiratory doctor with a great memory and 7 hours in the ER all add up to one wiped out slubbie girl.

2. Haven't heard from master in about 5 days. I'm not happy. Especially since I text him several times about being in the hospital. I know he's busy and probably doesn't have time to catch his breath... but I thought he'd respond ya know?

3. I have one very caring friend that I didn't know cared as much as he does. I was yelled at to go to the hospital and then yelled at even more when I got out and told him what happened. He worries about me... and honestly, I find that comforting.

4. Go read this post. I finished reading it and was in a little submissive puddle and longing for daddy. (and we all know how productive that was today! Why yes, I am slightly pissy today. I figure I've earned it until it's beat out of me.)

Friday, April 16, 2010

Oh meds

Wanna know what I got up to tonight? Sephani Paige  Click it, I dare ya!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Drugs; I do 'em

Now before you all freak out and by all I mean the 5 of you :) I mean medication.

I are sick.

This sickness came out of freaking nowhere. Actually, now that I'm thinking about it I may have had hints yesterday but attributed them to something else, but lets start at the beginning shall we?

I woke up yesterday feeling great. I walked out into the living room to see everybody sitting in their respective places and talking. There was no tv, radio or computer in the background. This is rare. Turns out, we had no power. This is because the night before it had started to snow... IN APRIL! It snowed all night and carried on the whole next day which knocked out power in at least 5 different towns/cities that I am aware of. It had been flickering on and off all night and into the morning but an hour after I got up it went off and stayed off. This was not light fluffy snow. This was essentially sleet. I don't know about the other areas but where I was living there was about two feet of snow on the ground by the time it was done. We spent the day with no electricity, no water, no heat, nodda. I was freezing...looking back now I think it was the start of my cold, it was just a really mild start. Finally at noon I gave in and went to bed for a nap, I was exhausted despite sleeping well (another Aha!). When I woke up my throat was a bit sore but it happens occasionally when I wake up so I shrugged it off. This was when I started texting Seph... and she bamboozled me into her misery loves company club under the guise of helping each other with our weight loss. :)

By 630 - 7 we had power again but having assumed we would be without it all night we didn't take out anything for supper. Everything was frozen. After about 45 minutes of being undecided what we wanted we gave in and got take out. A.K.A. my last indulgence meal. Once dinner was done I went to my room and wrote my blog post detailing the new diet/exercise. I was so consumed in that, that I forgot about even mentioning the power outage.

Shortly after I had finished eating my throat got really sore and sensitive, I was popping cough drops like tictacs. An hour after this I tried showering, hoping the steam would soothe my throat. It didn't work. finally I gave up and got ready for bed, not before drinking a huge glass of orange juice, neocitron and chewing a vitamin C pill of course. The two citric acid drinks mixed with the milk I had a bit before that waged war on my stomach and I ended up losing all of that before crawling in to bed and passing out.

This morning I woke feeling worse. My nose is full, my ears are plugged, my throats a little sore and I'm having trouble breathing. The breathing thing is not new. With asthma it's just a part of my colds. As long as the cold stays in my head and doesn't move to my chest I should be okay. Once it moves to my chest I really have trouble breathing. I ended up in the emergency room hooked up to an IV and oxygen mask the last time. This is exactly why I hate being sick. I can never just be sick, I have to have an asthma attack to go with it. Which is why I can never live alone. I can't (read won't for everyone's safety) drive, I couldn't anyways if I was having an asthma attack. It's like trying to breathe under water but you can't find the top and somebody is standing on your chest holding you down. You have to focus entirely on breathing so you don't panick. If you panick you pass out.  And I just refuse to be alone when I'm sick. I'm not 5 but if everybody is leaving the house at night (for work or whatever) and I'm going to be the only one home, we phone my grandmother to stay with me. I can deal with being sick on my own... but if I have an asthma attack on my own... I generally can't get enough air to talk or walk more than 10 feet... I would be finished. It's absolutely terrifying. I cannot be alone when I'm sick, thus I cannot live alone.

This post took a dark turn that I was not expecting at all. Because of this I am going to leave it here... who knows where I would go with it. Causing myself to have one "WTF" moment is enough for one night.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Here we go.

The words "Don't be ehscared little girl" come to mind.

Sephani is sending me a work out DVD. We are also going to help each other with our weight-loss goals. Happy for the help... appreciative of the workout add in.... terrified of the dvd.

She said she did one workout and can feel it to the point of being sore.  One workout people... ONE! I think I may have to work my way up to a full session. I'm a little nervous about this, not gonna lie. Having ended up broken and bedridden once.... it makes a person cautious.

BUT! I am happy that we're doing this. I told master that we were helping each other. I didn't tell him about the DVD though. I kind of want him to come home and be surprised. Ya know, every chubby little girl dreams of their Master coming home to them looking great and come out with a "Where the hell is the rest of you! " comment. That's what everybody dreams of right? Maybe just me? Okay then, I'm secure in my dream!

I have probably two weeks before the DVD shows up. In that time I plan on working out my eating habits. I had my last indulgence meal today. From now on they will be few and far between. Turns out I indulge myself too much.  But! having been down this road many many times before I know that I can't take everything I like away or I will fail. Just have to learn control.

I got a text from Daddy a day or two ago, and it really made me realize that though he doesn't answer everything text he gets... he reads every single one. So my "but Daddy doesn't have time to approve my meal choices" is officially just me taking the easy road and having what I want. Which is no more. I am texting for every calorie that I put into my mouth. He probably wont answer but if I ask for something he doesn't want me having I would bet a pretty penny he would take a time out to tell me "No." He's thoughtful like that.

Now, if you'll excuse me I need to go find my spandex and leg warmers. ...and maybe an exercise bra. Wouldn't want to give myself a black eye. (boob up into the eye? yeah, family joke. I'm probably the only one laughing. Don't feel bad, it happens a lot. )

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Let Me List The Reasons

I have quite a bit of work ahead of me in the next couple weeks. Which means my posts will probably be sporadic. For this I apologize, but I will post when I can. 

It probably doesn't seem like I've been okay lately because most of my posts have not been happy ones, but I assure you I am doing pretty good. I seem to come here to post when I need to get things out and coincidentally that happens to be when I'm upset. I'm really not as miserable as this blog seems to portray. I get down, yes but in general I'm doing okay. I function, I get through the day... albeit ungracefully and totally departed from Daddy's rules some days but I get through it none the less. Mostly, I'm telling you this so the "suck it up " comments can stop. I don't accept them on the blog because I just don't need that on here. From reading the comments and checking blogs, I've noticed two things in common... 1. They don't read more than one post before commenting. This is apparent by the "he hasn't been gone long" , "it's not like he wont be back in a week" , or "why are you complaining, you barely know him, wait until you understand the dynamic before you throw a fit" comments. Really people, if you're going to be an inconsiderate asshole, at least be an informed inconsiderate asshole. And 2 While I haven't been in this lifestyle a long time... I have been here longer than 3 months and while I'm sure you miss your master and aren't entirely happy during the 4-6 days you must spend apart... you being able to" suck it up and be brave "is not comparable to my situation at all. Everybody has their hurts, I understand that, but putting somebody elses down because you're "doing better" even though they are two totally uncomparable things isn't the best idea.

Snuggled in my bed I couldn't help thinking about the things I love about Master so I thought I would list a few because it's my blog and I can!

  1. The way he sings while driving. Manages to sound somewhat cute/obnoxious while still not sounding half bad. It's a tricky balance that I for one cannot achieve. However, I have obnoxious down quite well.

  2. When the claw comes out of nowhere at a stoplight and attaches itself to my boob. I like the public (kinda) groping and the looks from people in the other cars. It's jealousy I'm sure of it!

  3. I love that he opens doors for me and is such a gentlemen... even if it is somewhat of a mindfuck and makes me uncomfortable on occasion.

  4. Cuddling on the couch is one of my favourite things. Especially when he's lounged back with his legs spread and I'm snuggled in between them leaning against him. His arm wrapped around my side and his hand resting on my breast. Of course, once we're watching something on the tv and I cannot see over his hand to watch said tv it loses some appeal. I can barely see over my boob if you really wanted to know.

  5. The comment of "Oh, is this one jealous?" when I move his hand from my left boob to my right so I can see the tv.

  6. How I have five little bruises all the way around my breast when he's done squeezing and playing with me.

  7. That his teeth are amazingly sharp and cause me to bruise fairly easily.

  8. His hand seems to fit perfectly around my throat.

  9. He works at making me comfortable with him seeing my body.

  10. How comforting and soothing his snoring is. (Yeah I know, I'm fuckered.)

  11. The unexpected sweetness.

  12. How caring he is with me.

  13. The way he searches for me while he is dead asleep to hold and cuddle. His hand snakes across the bed and if he can't reach me that way pretty soon his whole body starts moving until he reaches me.

  14. He sleep gropes. Comparable to the car groping situation but with a snore here and there.

  15. That he knows every single move I make, even while he is a asleep and knows whether or not I've slept much.

  16. That he is a human heating blanket.

  17. If he wakes up and I don't have any covers on he pulls either me over to the blanket or the blanket to me.

  18. If I tell him I'm too warm for a blanket he waits a minute then touches my legs and decides for himself whether or not I'm too cool or warm.

  19. The way he is constantly grabbing for my hand and when he gets it usually kisses the back of it or my knuckles.

He is a very smart, sweet, caring and sadistic man. Try navigating that :)

Sunday, April 11, 2010

A First

.....brought to you by something unexpectedly emo.

I don't think I will be masturbating for a while. No more orgasms for a bit. Why you ask? Well, because the last two times I've been able to orgasm I finish and then cry... and I just don't know why. Seriously, any suggestions?

All I got is I miss Master. My orgasms for the last year plus have been for him and because of him...maybe the lack of is throwing me off. I don't know, but either way I don't like it.

Saturday, April 10, 2010


(As I am writing this I am bawling so there is a very good chance that it may be a complete mess.)

Tonight I was (am currently) texting with my friend about why I was uncomfortable with him in person. I gave a couple of reasons and we kept talking and eventually we got to the real reason. Master isn't here.

 I honestly didn't think that him leaving had affected me this much. Yes I was failing on my diet and rules without him but I didn't know that I was struggling in general as well.

I have an inferiority complex, why I'm not sure. I think part of it is being cheated on so much, gaining the weight and then being told that I was too big and dumped for said weight is definitely part of it. I'm also just plain uncomfortable because of how I look, I'm self conscious.

Until tonight I hadn't realized how much being with Daddy had helped with those things. He gave me confidence and made me comfortable with myself and in general. He made me not care about what other people thought because it only mattered what he thought. He always wanted me and liked the way I looked even when I didn't. He put my personality and brain above my looks. I never thought about my weight with him ever because he didn't allow it. He down played it so much it never occurred to me to think about it. He treats me like I'm the only thing that matters to him, he makes me feel wanted and loved and cared for and needed. I don't feel that anywhere or from anybody else. When he's around or we're talking a lot I don't care what anybody thinks of me because he cancels it all out. Personality and in general I don't care what people think anyways but he takes the self conscious aspect out of my day-to-day life. He makes me feel okay about me. Because of how he treats me and everything.. I was building confidence.

Without him around, I've lost that confidence. I'm self conscious,  I feel inferior. Really, I'm lost.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

I don't like my language watered down, I Don't like my edges rounded off

"Love is loose, it shifts each time you move"

Sorry. I'm having an Ani Defranco moment, it happens occasionally. For some reason I have had this song stuck in my head all day and I can't seem to think of a reason.

I spent today searching for something to do. I failed, I did nothing. I however did get re-inspired on my diet and rules. They've all had good intentions lately but little follow through. I've been sulky and lazy and just not wanting to do it. 

Because of this I am taking my rules two at a time. I'm picking a rule from each set (general and diet) and sticking with those two until they are ingrained and habit. Right now I am working on vitamin taking and keeping my chain on. I love my chain but in the heat I itch around it and then a rash developes.... I think there is a slight allergy or something. But, I'm working on it. I used to do these rules all at the same time fairly easy... but with the lack of master and his all-seeing eyes (seriously, you would think the man had camera's all over the place.) they've all slowly fallen away be it lack of time to give permission or just over time dropping them it has happened.

I'm also restarting my diet tomorrow. I am having so much trouble with this. I've stated in previous posts why so I wont again but I'm getting annoyed. I honestly considered asking Master if I could have my friend help me with it, just to check how I'm doing once in a while as long as I was still reporting to Master. I just couldn't do it. I'm Daddy's, I just can't fathom somebody else having power(very small, miniscule amount that it would be) over me. I don't like that thought and asking Master to give up a piece of me is not something I could do.  I can't fix everything myself and I'm realizing that. However, that hasn't stopped me from contemplating asking if Seph wants to be my chubby..er voluptuous buddy. I'm just hesitant with another failed attempt.  I'm just trying my best until he gets back and we get things back on track.

I'm much calmer today. I received a text from Master "mine" .... seriously, what better text can ya get?

I also took a few minutes out to turn my fountains on (water calms me... I love it. It rained today!!!!) and sat thinking about master and our relationship and all the reasons I have nothing to be upset or worried about. I over think.... ha.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Sephani's Cheering K Up Conversation

A.K.A. Why I have come to lurve her dearly.
(a while into it)
K : Haha.  I found lube beads that you insert..and they last 4 days

S : whoa...whoda fuk needs 4 days worth of lube????

K : ...who wants to walk around like that? Itd be like big girl wet diaper feeling. Weekend sexcapade?

S : for a porn star attempting the longest gang bang on earth maybe

K : I get wet enough I generally dont need lube. Id feel like a waterfall...or a really gross snail trail

S : atleast we'd never lose you :P

K : Haha. "Scent dogs not needed"

S : heheh now THATS amusing

K : Haha.. I get the feeling we may be sick puppies

S : oh just a little feelin huh?

K : Tiny. Barely there.

S : pffttt so now we're delusional too?

K : Well, we think we have choices sometimes so, yes id say so

S : ooo touche

Seriously, I wonder how we function from day to day when this is what goes on inside our heads


That is exactly how I feel today. I'm just kind of...here.

I had a friend come over today, it's only the second time I've actually been able to spend time around this particular friend though I do talk to him a lot and tell him pretty much everything(He knows of master and the relationship there). We've known each other for quite some time, up until a few months ago he was living a few hours away and we never managed to see each other. We spent most of the time he was here watching movies and laughing at the insanity of my family. He thinks we're entertaining, poor mislead soul.

As I have said before, I am not a people person. I can communicate well with people if I am comfortable with them, I am not yet comfortable with him in person. I spent most of the day getting up and walking around because I was uncomfortable just sitting, most of what came out of my mouth was sarcastic or I just remained quiet. I hide in sarcasm when I'm uncomfortable sometimes. Unfortunately the only way to fix this low comfort level is spending more time around him(well, as we discovered with master there are other ways to over come it quickly but that's just not an option). Thing is, I don't know why but I get nervous when I know I'll be spending time with him. Theres really no reason for it, he's a nice guy and is really protective of me so I know he wouldn't say or do anything to hurt me, but it's still there.

In all honesty, if you're not in my family(even then it's iffy at times), or master... I am uncomfortable around you. There are exceptions made to these rules but they require a lot of time spent and it has only happened with one other person.  That friendship ended badly and I wouldn't want it back but I've realized tonight that I miss the bond that was there with her (the ex-friend).  I for the life of me do not want to go to bed alone tonight. When her and I were friends if I was feeling like this, or even if I wasn't she spent the night here. For about two years there was pretty much always two people sleeping in my bed. I miss that, it wasn't sexual it was just comforting to wake up and be snuggled up to somebody. It was nice to not have to sleep alone when I didn't want to.

I spent all of yesterday cleaning, I spent today showering and getting ready, then spending time with a friend and curled up in the chair helping my mother with books. Tomorrow I don't know what I am going to do, I'm running out of things to do and it's way too windy to go outside.

Part of the reason I don't want to sleep alone is I haven't heard from master at all in two days and I'm starting to get that panicky feeling again. It's always unjustified but it rears its head regardless. It's been a month and a week? maybe more since I've had an actual conversation with master. I miss him, I miss him a lot. Today I've switched back and forth between feeling hollow like somebody has scooped all of my insides out to feeling like a 400 pound man is sitting on my chest, his hand wrapped around my heart trying to pop it.  Lately I've just been going through the motions, I don't enjoy what I'm doing, but I don't hate it either. It just is. Seven months in total, and over a month of little to no attention from the most important person in my world is rough. I honestly feel like a valley right now. Once lush and green. Full of life and colour, plants and wildlife everywhere. All centered and relying on the stream running through it to keep everything alive. Without that stream everything dies, it nourishes and nurtures everything. I've lost my stream.

The tears I've been fighting all day finally caught up to me in that last paragraph. Damn it.

Monday, April 5, 2010

A Present For Daddy Part 2

If you knew how much trouble I just had copying this from my word processor into here you would be amazed with my amount of patience. I hope you enjoy the second part of the story, hopfully by the third I will have thought of a better way to do this.

I was lost deep enough in my thoughts that I didn’t hear him walk back into the living room. I didn’t know he was there until his leg brushed past my shoulder and I froze for a second, fighting to stay quiet and still, I could feel the muscles in my legs starting to twitch and bit my lip harder to fight the need to move, to stretch. I concentrated on these things; my eyes studying the pattern in the carpet, my mind not convinced with the distraction. Every fibre of my being wanted to look up at him, to reach out of him, to stretching my aching legs. I strained my eyes and realized there were threads of midnight blue woven into the black carpet here and there.

Daddy’s hand wrapped around my throat and I jumped at the feel of his skin on mine. His hand brought me up to my knees, my head tilted so I was looking him in the eyes. I studied his face, revelling in the smile slowly spreading across his lips, disappearing into his beard, trimmed and suiting him perfectly; A dark contrast against his light skin.  His eyes were staring straight into mine, making it impossible to lower my gaze again.  I used to be uncomfortable when he did this; I used to want to wiggle under the scrutiny.  Recently I had learned that it wasn’t scrutiny at all, now I knew the mind behind those eyes. I knew he wasn’t examining me, he was thinking about all the things he wanted to do to me, he was thinking that I was his and that the word “no” was not an option. I stared back into those eyes and felt things low in my stomach clench tight and an amazingly large lump form in my throat. His other hand moved to the back of my head, wrapping my hair around his fingers and pulling until my back was perfectly straight. It’s amazing how good my posture can be with a little incentive.  Reaching up I placed both my hands on his arms, being near him and not be touching him was one of the hardest things I had found so far.

“You’ve been a busy little whore haven’t you?” He asked, amusement tugging at his voice.

“Yes Daddy,” I felt my own voice tremble as I answered him

He started to lift his hands up, bringing me with them. Rising carefully on the heels I stood before him and watch his eyes slowly move down my body. I took a small step back from him so he could see the entire outfit. The more of my clothing he seen the more he smiled. By the time he was done we both had smiles plastered on our faces. I loved finding outfits that pleased him, it was an art I had only recently started to understand

“That looks very nice on my little girl, too bad it wont survive long,” his words shivered along my skin raising goose bumps everywhere they touched.

My teeth sank into my lip as I stepped back towards him, close enough a hard thought would make us touch. His hand wrapped around my chain as he pulled me to him, his other hand in my hair tilting my head towards his mouth. Feeling his lips against mine I opened my mouth, Daddy rarely kissed me without tongue. There were so many things to love about him. I wasn’t fast enough for his need and his mouth crashed into mine, crushing my lips against my teeth until I was sure I could taste blood. I leaned into him, pressing back against his lips, fighting to open my mouth more to nip at him. At the first graze of my teeth his hand went from my chain to my throat, a spot that he claimed daily. He squeezed and pulled my mouth from his. I looked up at him, and put both my hands on his arm, tightening my grip as he tightened his hand. We both squeezed until he forced sounds from my throat. I’d never had anybody make me whimper before and I knew Daddy loved it.  I knew what he was after every time he wrapped his hand around my throat, I knew and I always gave it to him, willingly or forced he always got what he wanted. 

Sunday, April 4, 2010

The Irony of the "No Title" Post

Basically, I did not want to come up with a title, but "No Title" in itself is a title. So now  that we have the irony out-of-the-way I can do the rest of the post.

The second part of the story is coming. Really; it is. The whole story is written it's just editing and adding left to do. Which, yes, means that I sent it to Master as a present unedited. In my defence by the time I was done writing it it was 5 in the morning and my brain was fried. I'm reading through this thing as I edit and am laughing at my typing mistakes. At one point I switched from "his" 's and went to "your" 's. Best part here, is I sent the story to Sephi to be read before I sent it... which in all honesty I was ready to pass out so I sent it before I got her response anyways. BUT! That little error up there... we both missed... and she had slept..kinda! So now I don't feel too bad that I had written it because it was either subtle or just flew over both of our heads. Which is obviously improbable "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means" Name that Movie! ... I'm tired.

Anyways, I plan on editing the second part tomorrow and it should be up by at least Tuesday. Ya know, unless I get horribly sidetracked.

I could do it tonight, but tonight I am revamping. What you ask? Why I'll tell you! My calorie count account. The weight needs updated, and I think I'm going to be using a couple of the features. Last time I was using it I was just checking my food and calorie burnage (is so a word!) I think I may try using the trackers and graphs.

I've also pulled out my inner nerd and have started using a spreadsheet program. And man do I wish I could remember the formulas for subtracting the numbers without having to do it manually. I am not a math person, especially early in the morning which is when I fill out my weight. I text master to tell him that I was down a pound... then I used a calculator... and it was two pounds. Seriously, not a morning person. Tomorrow marks the official restart of my diet. I'm excited. I'm motivated. I'm scared of what Master will do to me when he comes back.

Well, not really. I'm scared of disappointing him and letting him down. I want to be pretty and thinner for him(and for me of course). I want to be completely comfortable with him and I know that would help. I'm of course comfortable with him and to honest, I rarely even think about my weight around him (so many reasons to love this man!) because he just doesn't let me. It's not a big deal for him, so it's not for me when I'm with him. What is a big deal is the health consequences, he wants me healthy and around for a long time (yeah, I don't know why either...maybe for amusement purposes. Or ya know, I'm partially trained, somebody new would just require more work :) )  I know that even if I fail miserably that he may punish me, but it would be for my own good, not because he was upset of mad at me. He understands that it's hard to lose weight and he sympathizes and really is nothing but supportive. I think that's a big reason that I've been floundering (yep, thought of the fish again. Can't help it) because if I get stuck or have a bad day I would go to him and we would talk about what we could do different. Right now I just bury my head in the sand and ignore it. He was also the motivating factor in the exercise. Diet I can do okay with on my own if I set my mind to it. Exercise I don't. I hate exercise. (Not to mention between the allergies and the asthma spring and fall try to kill me so breathing is already laboured). I've just learned over the last 7 months (and the last month especially) how important he is to me, my success and my mindset. Over the last year and a half-ish time period he has been working to become my center, to be the strong point that I turn to and it has worked. Very well.

Speaking of strong point (Lightening thinking people, I tell ya! Never a dull moment!) I was reading a few blogs where they were saying that they had seen the "human side" of their masters and it threw them off base a bit. This I can somewhat understand if they hadn't seen it before. Things like being sick, worried, depressed etc. were shaking them a little. I understand how that may bother somebody and everybody has different relationships of course, different aspects shown and what not. But, that being said... I also don't understand it. I know that master is human, makes mistakes, gets sick and to be honest... I love that about him. I love that he is real with me and doesn't put up a front or I only get one side of him. I couldn't take it if all I got was the strong dominant side, I enjoy all parts of him. I guess, he's not on a pedestal as "perfect" or "unshakable" to me and I've never put anybody on that pedestal
at all so that train of thought leaves me behind. I understand the train of thought, I just don't reside on that track.

Friday, April 2, 2010


I've been trying to think of 7 things you don't know about me to add to my Beautiful Blogger post and I can't seem to come up with anything interesting. Then I realized that it doesn't say 7 interesting things so nah!

1. I once dated a man who had such a horrible taste (not his come either... just in general) that to this day I gag if I think about it too hard. It put me off oral and I am fighting desperately to get it back. I used to love it and I refuse to let this "man" take that away from me. Luckily Master is more than willing to let me try whenever I want...

2. I made some amazingly yummy turkey meatballs tonight.

3. My writing and drawing muse has abandoned ever since I had a bad breakup a few years ago. This story I wrote for Daddy is the first story I have completed in 3.5 years.

4. I love Taco Time. I could eat it forever. My mom pretty much lived on it while she was pregnant with me and it seems it has carried on.

5. I once fell off a toilet. Well, not really. I went to stand up, rolled on my ankle and went head first into the wall and in an attempt not clobber myself into said wall I threw myself to the side and ended up on my ass on the floor laughing at myself. (God I hope master never starts reading here haha)

6.  I lack some basic life experiences. For instance, I've never ridden a bus (aside from the school type) because I've never needed to.

7. If Master can only get one night off or plans to go back the night of my uncle's wedding I plan on leaving quite early in order to get me some bruises and fill my must have Master quota.... It's dangerously low lately people. The fact that I function is amazing! I need an "S" tattooed to my chest. Ya know, to stand for Super-duper party pooper ! or Super Woman.... I'm undecided.

Sweet Relief

I finally heard from Daddy. And by "heard" I mean I got more than one, one word text today. I actually got several, several word texts!  Still with me? Kay, good.

I spent a large portion of my day begging for Master to play with me. I failed. I did not get him to play with me. I did however get an orgasm. Yes, above my orgasm rule. All this rule seems to be doing is jump starting my libido. Which would be great if I could get permission for a release. Today I ended up begging and finally just giving up and saying "I'm masturbating... a punishment would be welcome" ....seriously, when those words come out of your mouth you know you are in withdrawal of Master attention.

It's been over a month now since I heard Master's voice, even longer since we played, and weeks since I last got more than one text with more than one word in it.

Today I got that. I resisted the urge to do a happy wiggle as I sat in the chair. I happily gave in to the urge eventually.

Turns out his bosses have been around constantly so he hasn't had time to stop, and when he has .... they're around. Company housing is a lovely thing! I also had the chance to tell him that my diet and rule following has sucked and my theory on why. I apparently worded it wrong. What I mean to say was that he was the driving force with me, the thing that makes me push to do better and without that push I falter. The way I worded it caused him to apologize for being absent... and honesty, I appreciate the apology for being gone and that he cares that much but it made my heart sink.  

It's not like I have this über Slave thing going on, (no cape here people!) and think he should never have to apologize for anything that he does because he's the master. That is not the case at all. If something deserves an apology (and I have accepted them from  him before) then fine, but this did not deserve one. I didn't mean it in a criticizing way. I meant it in a "Ah Ha! I figured it out" "You're über important to me, see!" kind of way. I apologized and re-explained myself and he hasn't answered. But considering his boss is still around and its after 11 there I doubt I will be getting a response. My wording just sucks sometimes.

I got in to a used book store the other day. Only had a mild OCD attack looking at all the books...all over the place, strewn from room to room with little to no organization and fought the urge to arrange the place while I was there. Not gonna lie. I alphabetized every book I picked up.

I found several Laurell K Hamilton books. Most of them were hard covers.... I owned all of them. Which is making me think that I might wait a few more months and see if her two new books show up there. I did however manage to find her "never after" anthology. It was $3... I was pretty damn excited. I also found another book by Keri Arthur. She's pretty good. I couldn't find any of the poetry or such type books that I had originally wanted and I can't afford to spend $20 per book when I read them so damn fast.

Now, that is it for today because I smell coffee and it calls my name.

Curse my wording!

I finally heard from Daddy. And by "heard" I mean I got more than one, one word texts today. I actually got several, several words texts!  Still with me? Kay, good.

I spent a large portion of my day begging for Master to play with me. I failed. I did not get him to play with me. I did however get an orgasm. Yes, above my orgasm rule. All this rule seems to be doing is jump starting my libido. Which would be great if I could get permission for a release. Today I ended up begging and finally just giving up and saying "I'm masturbating... a punishment would be welcome" ....seriously, when those words come out of your mouth you know you are in withdrawl of Master attention.

It's been over a month now since I heard Master's voice, even longer since we played, and weeks since I last got more than one text with more than one word in it.

Today I got that. I resisted the urge to do a happy wiggle as I sat in the chair. I happily gave in to the urge eventually.

Turns out his bosses have been around constantly so he hasn't had time to stop, and when he has .... they're around. Company housing is a lovely thing! I also had the chance to tell him that my diet and rule following has sucked and my theory on why. I apparently worded it wrong. What I mean to say was that he was the driving force with me, the thing that makes me push to do better and without that push I falter. The way I worded it caused him to apologize for being absent... and honesty, I appreciate the apology for being gone and that he cares that much but it made my heart sink.  

It's not like I have this Uber Slave thing going on, (no cape here people!) and think he should never have to apologize for anything that he does because he's the master. That is not the case at all. If something deserves an apology (and I have accepted them from  him before) then fine, but this did not deserve one. I didn't mean it in a criticizing way. I meant it in a "Ah Ha! I figured it out" "You're uber important to me, see!" kind of way. I apologized and re-explained myself and he hasn't answered. But considering his boss is still around and its after 11 there I doubt I will be getting a response. My wording just sucks sometimes.

I got in to a used book store the other day. Only had a mild OCD attack looking at all the books...all over the place, strewn from room to room with little to no organization and fought the urge to arrange the place while I was there. Not good lie. I alphabitzed every book I picked up.

I found several Laurell K Hamilton books. Most of them were hard cover

Thursday, April 1, 2010

A lovely Surprise

Tonight I sat down to do my usual creep through of blogs and I found something. I began reading Sephi's blog and found she had given me an award. Which in itself was lovely, but what got me was what she wrote about me.

 "the other half of my insane personality, she suffers so beautifully for her LD owner how can I not give her this award? As long as she promises to not stick it in her pants too"

Talk about feeling special. Kinda made me love her a little bit. Thank you Sephi.

So, as I understand it I now have to pass it on to three other people. But! Before I do I have to say that in trying not to double up on people I am merely going to mention how amazing and inspiring and hilarious Sephani is, not matter what else is going on she's always there to help and that alone is award worthy. Since Seph gave Nilla the award I'd also like to say that I've really loved reading her transition and growth into a not so vanilla mom. I completely agree that she should get the award, watching somebody come into their own is always a beautiful thing.

Now, onto the three I'm giving the award to ! ... I know you're all just waiting anxiously. Hah.

Kitten's Paw Prints In Slavery - Having read her for a while now, she is a very honest blogger. She blogs about the ups of her relationship and the downs. She doesn't sugar coat things (my kind of person!) and the love she has for her dominant continues to strike me every time I read her posts.

The Healing Journey - I read her while she had a dominant and I've read her without one and will continue to do so. I am giving her this award because even though she is hurting right now, she continues to write. She is rediscovering herself, her submission and I hope, her confidence in herself. She is truly a beautiful woman and she deserves this award because this experience will only make her stronger and more beautiful. And I think more than anything she needs to know that :)

Under His Hand - This was one of the first blogs I ever read. This blog has helped me discover new things, find my limits (tits nailed to a board still scares the hell out of me! :) ) and also given me several laughs. I am giving her this award because even though she is much more hardcore than I am, she is also extremely devoted to her dominant, her service and her children. Plus she has a smart ass side that I understand fully :)