(As I am writing this I am bawling so there is a very good chance that it may be a complete mess.)
Tonight I was (am currently) texting with my friend about why I was uncomfortable with him in person. I gave a couple of reasons and we kept talking and eventually we got to the real reason. Master isn't here.
I honestly didn't think that him leaving had affected me this much. Yes I was failing on my diet and rules without him but I didn't know that I was struggling in general as well.
I have an inferiority complex, why I'm not sure. I think part of it is being cheated on so much, gaining the weight and then being told that I was too big and dumped for said weight is definitely part of it. I'm also just plain uncomfortable because of how I look, I'm self conscious.
Until tonight I hadn't realized how much being with Daddy had helped with those things. He gave me confidence and made me comfortable with myself and in general. He made me not care about what other people thought because it only mattered what he thought. He always wanted me and liked the way I looked even when I didn't. He put my personality and brain above my looks. I never thought about my weight with him ever because he didn't allow it. He down played it so much it never occurred to me to think about it. He treats me like I'm the only thing that matters to him, he makes me feel wanted and loved and cared for and needed. I don't feel that anywhere or from anybody else. When he's around or we're talking a lot I don't care what anybody thinks of me because he cancels it all out. Personality and in general I don't care what people think anyways but he takes the self conscious aspect out of my day-to-day life. He makes me feel okay about me. Because of how he treats me and everything.. I was building confidence.
Without him around, I've lost that confidence. I'm self conscious, I feel inferior. Really, I'm lost.