Monday, February 22, 2010

Ahh, sleep deprivation... not really, I'd just like a convenient excuse for some of the things I say.

Me:  I'm supposed to tell you that my uncle and his fiance would love for you to be able to come to their wedding... I'd like it too.. I'm contemplating a dress if I can find an appropriate one and I'm in control of drink tickets so I hope to get you drunk and take advantage of you 

Master says:   

I wish you luck   

I don't think I need luck, you tend to be horny anyways, it's one of your better traits :)   






Saturday, February 20, 2010

A Very Affective Punishment

It has taken me a week to decompress and reflect on what has gone on lately. To be honest, it’s still not entirely clear to me. I am generally pretty good at ignoring things I don’t want to see until they’re smacking me in the face. I have been sufficiently smacked.

            I have tried three different times to write this paragraph. I can’t seem to do it. I don’t recall everything that happened and some of it is just a little hazy. Basically, I got insecure about him being so far away and pushed at master. He tried to console and reassure me but the way he was doing it didn’t register as reassurance to me. It made me think I was being brushed off. When I finally stopped he told me that what he was doing was giving affection to reassure me, not derail me. He also told me that he wouldn’t be putting up with this if he didn’t plan to stick around. That last sentence stuck in my head. It’s about the only clear thing I have left from that night.

            When we hung up from talking to each other I couldn’t sleep. All I could do was think about what he said. I don’t like that he feels he has to put up with things from me. I’ve been trying very hard since then not to let it happen again. I trust master very much so my insecurity isn’t from him. It’s most definitely from past experiences, which have no place in the relationship I have now. I went for a while where I was completely confident in our relationship and there was no doubt in my mind about it. It stayed around until we had a misunderstanding that shook me a little bit. Since then I’ve been striving to get that back, and I will. It’s impossible not to trust daddy. However, every now and then my insecurity comes up and bites me in the ass when I least expect it. Nonetheless it’s not something that master should have to put up with.

            Master knows the reasoning for all of this. He knows and he works with me when I get in a mood and for that I am appreciative, but that conversation made me realize something. I don’t want to ruin the best thing I’ve ever had because somebody else has screwed me over. Master says that he just waits out my mood then fucks me. It’s a very specific process.

Then two days ago, Wednesday I believe. I was sitting in the living room with my laptop and some food that I shouldn’t have been having and I thought “It’s okay because I never get punished for diet rules.” That froze me and I text master to tell him. I didn’t want to think this way, that’s not the kind of slub I want to be and not how daddy wants me to be. When I explained that my diet and exercise hadn’t happened for two days and asked to be punished for it (oh the irony!) he obliged. Since he is so far away he is limited on what he can punish me with. This time, he stopped talking to me. From the outside it wasn’t a bad punishment and it certainly wasn’t long. I’ve gone for days where I haven’t been able to talk to him because of how busy he is. This time was different, this time I knew I was being ignored. He didn’t speak to me for three hours and ten minutes exactly. It was the longest three hours and ten minutes I have ever gone through. I spent over two hours whimpering and begging for him to talk to me. I don’t deal well when I know he is upset with me. I do worse when he’s intentionally not speaking to me.

              There was an hour in there where I stopped and thought about what I had done. When I started to think about it I realized that even when I was following masters rules I would add in little snacks that I wouldn’t ask for or go days not asking for food. Those things aren’t in my rules. I am to ask for every single piece of food I want and for every drink besides water. I am rarely denied what I want, so why did I feel the need to just not ask for it and sneak it?

            As I was sitting there a family member walked by and criticized what I was eating. That’s when I suddenly clued in. I sneak food without telling master because I feel I need to. I’ve always had to secretly make meals or hide food to avoid the “That’s no good for you,” “Holy cow are you going to eat all of that?” and “Are you eating again?” speeches. There were several more I’ve gotten my entire life, those are just the ones I’ve gotten lately that stick out. Because of these things I feel embarrassed asking for food, it makes me self-conscious and nervous about what master will say to me. To be fair he has never said any of those things to me, not once and I know he won’t. It’s just the possibility and the way it all makes me feel.  My relationship with food is not healthy and I know it. I eat when I’m happy, sad, upset or when something just tastes good. I’m learning restraint and have come along way, but not far enough. The criticizing words from everybody around me weigh me down every time I try to move forward. This is part of why I don’t like being around most of my family. I know that I need to change things and I’m working on it. Them trying to “help” only sets me back, makes me feel bad about myself and makes me want to go curl up and give up. Sometimes I slip and have something I shouldn’t, it’s getting more and more rare but it does happen.

            Lately I’ve had a new mantra running through my head all day. “The only opinion that matters is masters,” and it’s helping. I just get thrown back into the shit pile sometimes. There are days where I am absolutely fine asking for food, then there are days where it terrifies me. Master believes that if I can’t work up the courage to ask for what I want then I probably shouldn’t be having it to begin with. Which is completely true, usually when I don’t ask for things, I’m having something that I shouldn’t.

By the time master talked to me I had done a lot of thinking. I told him I was sorry and that I would practice some will power from now on(which is part of the problem too). Since he started me on this diet I have told him some of these things, but not all. Mostly due to embarrassment I think, but that’s part of what this blog is for. I have trouble saying what I need to say sometimes and it comes out better in writing.

            I know this entry is a little scrambled and unfinished, but it’s really the best I can do. Other than thinking about things and feeling guilty over other things…everything is a little jumbled and hazy. I’ve been trying to get this out for a week and I think that this is as clear as it is going to get. Which is fine, I know what I need to do now, and I know the consequences and that is all that matters.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Happy Hump Day

In honor of candy, flowers and sex day I thought I would post a couple of poems/songs and the like. Master is still away and thus I will have nothing nefarious to write and on four hours of sleep I don't particularly feel like being overly creative. I spent all night writing a story for master and that used up about all the creativity I had.  

I'm generally not a huge fan of Evanescence but several of the lines in this song caught my attention.  

Good Enough

Under your spell again
I can't say no to you
crave my heart and its bleeding in your hand
I can't say no to you

Shouldn't let you torture me so sweetly
now I can't let go of this dream
I can't breathe but I feel

Good enough
I feel good enough for you

Drink up sweet decadence
I can't say no to you
and I've completely lost myself and I don't mind
I can't say no to you

Shouldn't let you conquer me completely
now I can't let go of this dream
can't believe that I feel

Good enough
I feel good enough
its been such a long time coming, but I feel good

and I'm still waiting for the rain to fall
pour real life down on me
cause I can't hold on to anything this good
am I good enough
for you to love me too?

so take care what you ask of me
cause I can't say no


To Lucasta, Going to the Wars
Richard Lovelace.

Tell me not, Sweet, I am unkind,
That from the nunnery
Of thy chaste breast and quiet mind
To war and arms I fly.  

True, a new mistress now I chase,
The first foe in the field;
And with a stronger faith embrace
A sword, a horse, a shield.  

Yet this inconstancy is such
As though too shalt adore;
I could not love thee, Dear, so much,
Loved, I not Honour more.  

 Edgar Allan Poe

It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of Annabel Lee;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea;
But we loved with a love that was more than love -
I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.
And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsman came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulcher
In this kingdom by the sea.
The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me
Yes! that was the reason
(as all men know, In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.But our love was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we
Of many far wiser than we
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee.
For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling, my darling, my life and my bride,
In the sepulcher there by the sea,
In her tomb by the sounding sea.  

Finally, a quote from my favourite author that has stuck from me since the moment I read it.

"There comes a point when you just love someone. Not because they're good, or bad, or anything really. You just love them. It doesn't mean you'll be together forever. It doesn't mean you won't hurt each other. It just mean you love them. Sometimes in spite of who they are, and sometimes because of who they are. And you know that they love you, sometimes because of who you are, and sometimes in spite of it. - Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter (Incubus Dreams)"
- Laurell K Hamilton  

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand maybe just a couple more because I can't resist.

"Neither love nor evil conquers all, but evil cheats more."
— Laurell K. Hamilton (Cerulean Sins)

"I will love you always. When this red hair is white, I will still love you. When the smooth softness of youth is replaced by the delicate softness of age, I will still want to touch your skin. When your face is full of the lines of every smile you have ever smiled, of every surprise I have seen flash through your eyes, when every tear you have ever cried has left its mark upon your face,I will treasure you all the more, because I was there to see it all. I will share your life with you, Meredith, and I will love you until the last breath leaves your body or mine."
— Laurell K. Hamilton  

"Love, whether it's friendship or more, is like a cup. It fills up drop by drop, until one last drop and the cup is full. The liquid hangs there almost above the rim, hangs there on surface tension alone and you know that one more drop and it will spill over."
— Laurell K. Hamilton (Blood Noir)

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

All Dried Up & Tied Up Forever

I have been thinking about making this deep thinking post about topping from the bottom and the irony it induces. Then master phoned. He bought rope; my previous thoughts have been lost, but back to that in a minute.

Master has phoned three nights in a row I believe. There may have been a day in there where he didn’t phone but I cannot seem to recall. (Like I said, thought process blown.) The first night it was a short phone call, he was tired and I hate being the reason that he has to stay up so he ended up going to bed fairly quickly. It was a short conversation but I was still happy and bubbly by the end of it. Any time is better than none.

The second night… was a lesson in patience. (Really he just had work to do and decided to tease, the patience lesson was a coincidental bonus.) First he told me I would be getting a phone call soon. 45 minutes later he asked if I had the phone, 20 minutes after that he said he was coming, 5 minutes after that he asked if I was ready. 15 minutes after that I asked if this was a lesson in patience. He said maybe. 5 minutes after that I declared that I failed and the lesson was over. He laughed at me. 15 minutes after that he started to really tease…at which point I clued in and started to beg. I think it was maybe 5 minutes after my begging began that he phoned. I have a rule that I must be naked when he phones. At this point I had been naked for two hours. I was cold. After all the waiting and the teasing we actually got to talk some. We haven’t been able to do that in a long time. I missed talking to him and had forgotten how much I enjoyed  our conversations and the stupid things we end up talking about. Which of course eventually gave way to playing. He can’t touch me but I still have some of my best orgasms with him. By the time he was done with me last night I had bitten my lip hard enough that it bled a bit and was swollen. Screaming didn’t seem like a good idea with a houseful of people.

Which brings me to today. Today was good; I had a nice bath and dealt with an oral fixation all day. In all fairness I have one in general but it was worse today. By the time master phoned I was already in a horny puddle. The fact that I love his voice, especially when he’s tired (or mid-orgasm) it gets rough and *shivers*… <--- does that to me. We had a great conversation. We laughed; we talked about electrical play dildo toys. But, to be completely honest…I probably wont remember most of the conversation until some time tomorrow. Daddy bought rope. Everything else we talked about just kind of washed away after that. I can’t wait for master to come home!  He’ll be gone until Sunday now for meetings so I wont really get to talk to him but I can bet the whole time he is gone I will be thinking about rope. Master said if he has his way (schedules permitting) I will be tied up everyday. At the point of hearing that I did a wiggle of happy in my bed. Between the ropes and the spankings and flogging we talked about I’m pretty much on cloud nine. All I can think about right now is being tied up, having my ass and pussy spanked, my breasts flogged and a very come covered existence in my future. It’s a happy and bright future.

Master said he might even fasten me something out of rope to wear permanently. This was spurred on by the fact that I had a bath today and forgot to take off my chain. Seeing as how we aren’t sure what kind of metal the chain is this is not good. I’m torn on the whole forgetting thing. On one hand it’s not good that I forgot and very well could have rusted it. On the other hand… it’s constantly around my neck and has become a part of me so it didn’t even occur to me to take it off. (It comes off occasionally when it’s irritating my neck, whatever metal it is seems to give me a rash if I wear it and I get to warm and end up scratching then it progresses into more. But even then I take it off and wrap it around my wrist.) It would be nice to have something of masters constantly on me and reminding me that I’m his. I know that I’m his yes, but when he’s so far away I’d love to have something physical of his to remind me.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Comeback Rescheduled...damnit

As I have written about before; Master has me on a diet plan. The diet is doing fairly well. The exercise has, well, it's sucked. So Master told me to make up a plan for myself. It took a bit of thinking but I did it.

     Every morning I plan to stretch for a few minutes then do 15 minutes on the treadmill. I'm hoping I will eventually be allowed to increase the time. I used to love running and I would really like to get back to that. It's not really an option right now as I am out of shape and ended up hurting myself last time. Plus, my knee has a tendency to pop out and at this weight it seems more likely. Needless to say, it hurts. A LOT. Therefore, I am not yet willing to chance it.

     For my second 15 I asked Master if I could keep it open and he agreed. By open I mean having no set activity. I think having the same routine every day would make me lose interest. So I can now choose what I want to do in that time everyday. Yoga, or weights, or sit ups or whatever else I think of. Maybe 5 minutes of each. I'm not sure yet but I enjoy having that little bit of freedom. Chances are I'll still feel the need to ask if I can do the exercises I choose, especially since I am to text before and after an exercise.

     I think it's a good plan. I think it will work. I think I cannot wait to have somebody move my treadmill back out into the space I've created. I think my plans have been thwarted for today at least.

     I think I'm getting sick. Damn it.

     Isn't that the way? Get all excited about a plan just to have it deflate in front of you. Not only am I sick, but my treadmill is folded up and leaning against a wall. Behind a large heavy hope chest, behind a stereo system, behind a huge sectional couch. This is only added to by the fact that my treadmill is damned heavy and I can't lift it myself. I'm hoping to have help moving it either tonight or tomorrow. Most likely tomorrow.

     Since I'm feeling lousy. It's that feeling where you know you're getting sick but it's not quite moved in yet? I have that. I asked Master if I could stay in bed today and try to get rid of this before it really strikes. (Am I the only one thats picturing little germs with armour and pointy sticks?) He said I could and for the 33rd time I realized why I adore him so.

     So that is where I am. Cuddled up in my fuzzy sheets, watching "I Love Lucy"  and playing on my laptop.

    I got up this morning and had breakfast, which I ate about half of. This hot cereal fluff's and swell's a hell of a lot more than I was expecting. This morning seems to be a morning for too much. I made myself some mint tea with mint extract. Too much mint extract. At least it's clearing out my sinuses. I had a nice stuffed pepper meal planned for dinner. I am not up to making it. Thus, leftovers. Which I am not too broken up about. I made homemade broccoli soup last night. It's delicious and surprisingly low in calories. With an added benefit today, I don't have to cook.

(By the way, when I do the spelling check on here I come up with a lot of green lines. I am finding it funny that it keeps telling me that I sound too passive. I wonder why! Haha. )

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes...and Everything In Between

Master phoned tonight and we got to talk a bit. He has been busier than usual lately so I know how much him phoning meant. I know that he phoned because he wanted me and didn’t want to wait any longer, hard to not feel special after that realization. Since he has been so busy I know that he phoned me instead of sleeping, something that he doesn’t get much of to begin with. It was definitely a treat and a really good one that deserved and required a thank you.  I know he chooses to do these things, it’s not something that is just a given.

While on the phone he asked me if I liked knowing that my body was his. This question made me stop and think. The first thing that I thought of was “No.”

            The more I thought about it the more I realized that I couldn’t even truly comprehend the question. It’s not because my body isn’t his or I don’t enjoy being owned. I certainly do. I just can’t answer that question with a simple yes. I answered, “I like knowing that all of me is yours daddy.” To me there really is no other answer to that. He has had all of me for so long that it’s gotten hard to separate one thing from another.
Master doesn’t just own my body. If that were the case for us his dominance would end with sex. It most certainly doesn’t.

             I choose my clothing everyday for him. I choose daily to put on a lotion I think he would like. My underwear drawer is beginning to fill with black and pink, I despise pink, but master likes it. My hair is the shortest it has ever been because this is what he wants. I am utterly content to just watch and listen to master. I went through a phase at the beginning our relationship where I was scared of being cheated on because he was always away from me, as soon as he told me that it wouldn’t happen, he wouldn’t cheat on me and to trust him…I just did. There was no debating or quiet wondering; I just believed him and still do. When eating out I make choices I think he would approve of.  I rarely go anywhere and don’t inform him. If I go over the calorie limit he has set for me per meal… I redo my entire meal. I wouldn’t need to ask permission for food, to change clothing, to take off my chain or several other things if it was just my body he had control of.

              Lately I’ve found myself looking in the mirror thinking I need a haircut. I don’t, but master would think that I do. My hair is below my shoulders and he doesn’t like that. I’ve been taking extra care of my piercings lately. I realized only today it was because master thinks they’re cute and likes them. I’m looking for more rings to put in my ears, bigger ones because master likes to play with them when we cuddle. I’ve been taking extra care with my makeup and body lately, keeping myself shaved and done up like master likes. I stay clear of people master finds shady or not good for me. He has never told me I couldn’t talk to somebody or restricted me socially.

            If master just owned my body none of these things would be true. Master owns my body, my mind and my heart. I willingly give every part of me to him because he has proved he deserves it.

           From the beginning of our relationship he has made every effort possible to gain my trust. It took a while, but he has it and he is very careful not to break it. If I get upset at something master has done he picks up on it instantly and makes us sit and talk about it until it is resolved. He has been nothing but supportive about my weight loss, going as far as making me rules to keep me healthy while I do it. Since the first time I talked to him he has made sure that I can tell him anything that is going on. He is the first person I have been completely myself around; even when that sometimes means being a ditz or a klutz in front of him. He is the first man I have ever allowed to see me naked, the first few times he seen my body he talked to me and reassured me. He enjoys how twisted I am and likes every single one of my personalities. (There are a few; you’ll meet them all eventually.) Master knows every one of my faults, every scar, and defect and he still wants me to be his.

            Master has worked very hard to gain and keep my trust. He has worked even longer and harder and in all honesty, he still is working a little bit for me to be comfortable with him no matter what. I know master would do anything to keep me safe and out of (unwanted) harms way and he helps me whenever I need it in any way that he can. He has a firm grip on my mind, I’m beginning to choose and want things he would like or would want for me. He most definitely has my heart, if he didn’t I wouldn’t be willing to wait what could be a very long time for him to come back to me. My body, my body is his to do with what he pleases. He can cause shivers down my spine just by talking to me, I crave every bit of him against and inside me, my body responds to him like he’s been in control from the beginning. I’ve never been so comfortable with myself and with another person. There are so many other things that I know he does (and has done) for me but it all comes down to one thing.

           I am his. Every single part of me, my body is just one aspect. Though I do believe that it’s the most fun :)

Monday, February 1, 2010


It's 3 in the morning. Master is up and decided he wanted to play and needed to talk to me. Needless to say I am up. I am tired. I believe this will be my only update for the day due to the fact I am fairly certain only Sephani will be able to understand my sleep deprived ramblings.

I may be tired, but I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.

Everybody's bubble is a little off center

I was reading Kaya's blog and she tagged anybody who read the post, so here it is.

The 7 Weird Facts Meme :

1. I love pens. Coloured pens especially. I also have endless amounts of notebooks as I love to write.
2. I cannot be near master and not be touching him or being touched by him in some way. I'm beginning to think it's an addiction.
3. I currently have 9 piercings (was 10 but I had to take one out) and only one of them hurt me. This was the piercers fault, not the piercing its self. Yet, needle play freaks me right out.
4. I miss masters snoring.
5.  Seeing a mouse makes my stomach hurt, same with hamsters though I used to own one. I'm not scared of them, they just make me feel uneasy.
6. I apologize if I bump into inanimate objects.
7. I feel vaguely obscene when eating large carrots.

Since I'm new at this and don't know anybody well enough, I'm going to steal Kaya's idea. If you've read it, do it please.