Tuesday, September 28, 2010

We're Either Both Insane, Or Well Suited

I'm A Flamingo In A Flock Of Pigeons

Right now, I have my fountains going. I have my candles lit. It's a calming sanctuary of peace *sage nod*.  I'm also listening to Korn.

I'm a person of contrast and little to say tonight.

Monday, September 27, 2010


Today, I went to Nearby Large City with Lady Di and my grandmother.

I got up early, having had maybe 5 hours sleep. Adding that to the 3 hours I had in total the 24 hours before that... I was tired. I actually just about fell asleep in the car on the way up. I do not sleep in cars. My uncle died in one and since then I haven't been able to be entirely comfortable in them, let along sleep. So that alone shows you how tired I was. When you can actually feel your eyes trying to roll back in your head... you really need to sleep more! Finally I actually fell momentarily asleep and bounced my head off the seat and that was enough to wake me up for the last little bit.

Once there we got to spend some time at the passport office. It was maybe a matter of 15 minutes. Then we had lunch and shopped. I got nothing, I seen nothing that piqued my interest. Plus I'm having a net worth problem as in it may be negative soon.

At lunch I had a coffee that was enough to wake me up all day. Seriously, it's 12 where I am right now and I am still awake. On 1 cup of coffee. Normally coffee doesn't affect me at all but I think I was just tired enough and this coffee was soo, sooooooooooo strong that it was enough to wake me up. (That and the 4 sugars I had to use to even make it slightly drinkable. ....if it pours out like mud it's too fucking strong!)

When we got back I took my Big Bang Theory Dvds over to Lady Di's and we watched one of those disks.  Now I'm sitting, contemplating finding something to eat and calling it supper and then reading and bed. Excitement.

Thursday, September 23, 2010


This question has shown up in my email twice in the last month. So, I'm thinking I should address it entirely, not just the blurb I've been giving. So, I will attempt.
How's your diet going? You haven't talked about it in a while. Is there somebody helping you? 

Well, to be honest it's a stalemate. I have however managed to maintain my weight for a couple of months now and that is HUGE. My weight has fluctuated a lot in the last few years. It's steadily gone up (I don't remember if I ever explained why on here or not, but right now I just really don't have the energy so I will assume I have.), so it staying where it is, is a big deal. My system might actually be evening out. Especially considering I haven't really exercised.

Which brings us to the stalemate. I'm eating fine. What I eat is generally healthy anyways so the diet part was never a big deal to me. Indulging and keeping balance so I didn't fall off the plan was easy. I had a system and it seems to have stuck. Which has probably helped with the weight staying where it is. Where the issue comes in, is exercise. I quite honestly loathe it. I used to love running.  A few years later having popped my knee out numerous times, it is not as enjoyable( and yes I know losing weight will help this but it sure as hell doesn't help now!). There's also the ever-present fear of popping my knee out, because holy fuck is that painful. Add that to the bed ridden back twinge (worse than the knee!) the treadmill seems prone to giving me and I am slightly afeared. This does not help.

In general though, I just hate exercise. Weights I like. Stretching I like. Actual exercise? Not enjoying. Thus, it hasn't happened. In quite a while. Stalemate = diet good + exercise bad. 

As far as help, no I do not have somebody. I could. I know very well that Cael would help me if I asked. How I'm not entirely sure but he would. It just comes down to me asking, actually wanting it and whether or not it's a good idea. Because really, the last thing that man needs is more power and control over me. *Sage nod*

I hope that explains it better. I am attempting to work on it. Right now its a motivation problem.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

About Right

Yep, Makes Sense.


As some of you have seen, the previous post is now password protected. This was done because the person it centered around asked me to do it for obviously private reasons. However, the drill is the same. If you would like the password just email me and you'll probably get it. (Email  address is in the top left corner. )

Tuesday, September 21, 2010


Tonight, was rough. Tonight was scary. Tonight was clarifying. Tonight was helpful.  Tonight hell rose up, destroyed the world as I knew it and rebuilt it a little bit more carefully and better than before.  In short, it's been a long night. But I'm okay with that because it was needed.

Tonight things with Cael and I ..blew up? changed? took a turn? ...I'm not sure what to call it. Together we had a moment, a freak out if you will. We poked and prodded and eventually tore at each other until we were both confused, lost, hurt and couldn't figure out which way was up. And I bawled and gave myself a headache. Twas a night.

What happened? Well, I'm not really sure. I don't think either of us is, not entirely any way. It started out with us talking about him dating and him asking me how I felt about it. Being me, I told him EXACTLY how I felt about it. I think this is what started the ball rolling,and maybe the first thing that bugged Cael. From there, things went downhill. Spectacularly rapidly. What happened from there was a mess of things I can't even begin to unravel. A mix of attempting to push each other way, hold each other close, move forward, stay where we are, confusion, fear,....insanity erupted. After we picked for a while more he tried convincing me that moving would be too hard. I would have none of it. (I told you I could be stubborn! Doubt me again will ya! :) ) A few more things like that happened before we finally got down to the real issue. He feels bad dating other people while wanting somebody else. He also feels bad because he's dating when he knows I want him and he wants me. In short, it's a mess that finally erupted. 

After the bawling, fighting, emotional kicking and pushing, fear, exhaustion, etc. We finally came up with a solution. Us being together isn't even an option until I'm done my schooling. Then when I'm finished (and thus moveable) whenever we're both single at the same time we will try. In the meantime we can date anybody we want. It gives him the room to date and not feel guilty  that he needs and has the security of knowing that we will happen that I need. It works for both of us. It allows both of us to function normally knowing that the other one really isn't going anywhere and that we will get each other eventually so it should free us both up. That's the hope anyways.

I have actually cried so much during that conversation I have a headache right now. The thought of losing Cael in that way scared me right down to my toes, like something was searing through me. Honestly, I cried more at that thought than I did over completely losing B. It would have torn me apart. Cael is very important to me, the eventuality of him and I is important to me. Important enough that I have actually considered what will happen when we do date before I move, whether or not allowing other girls would be an option if it was a fairly large chunk of time... and I think it is. That in itself shows how much this means to me... if somebody else had suggested that to me they would have been gutted. I thought of this one on my own and am okay with it.

Getting back on track, it was a rough night for both of us. But, we got a plan and maybe some peace of it so it was worth it.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Long, exhausting day.

Today I was gotten. Gotten by a wolf that is my spirit guide. I intended to blog all of the events today and lock the post. Then I started thinking, anybody that I would give the password to it is somebody I've already talked to.  I talked to Nilla about it first, and she guided me on what I gave her and caused panic in one of her answers until I started talking to Sephi and Cael about it and connected her comments to other things. Things that don't scare me, reassuring things. So in the end it all worked out. I however, am exhausted. Not being able to concentrate on anything but the wolf all day, piled on with a dream and meditation... it's tiring weeding through that much emotional __ (baggage,shit,random figments...pick your own word.).

It's also a fairly private thing. Not something I want everybody reading especially since I know a few people who read here are either ex's or don't mean me entirely well. Those I shared with and went to for advice I trust. Admittedly only Cael got all of what happened and what I was told, which really should not be a surprise at this point..there are very few others I would actually share this with.  At some point I may blog about it, but right now it's still fresh, still things I, myself could only handle at this point in time.

So with that out-of-the-way, I have nothing to blog about. I cleaned today. That is all.  I have done absolutely nothing blog worthy today. I'm still not feeling that great. Evil cold!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

One Would Think...

Your regularly scheduled post will commence in a moment, right now I need to get some random shit out.


Really? Just now? I may have inserted the Qtip too far if I am just now catching on.

A month? A year? Who knows? NOT ME!

First feeling: Happy bordering on excitement. First thought after realization that he's known for god knows how long: Fucker.

Now to explain. Remember that post I made a few hours ago? Yep. I can talk about it now. Why? Because I told the person that it involved. Actually, in all fairness I told Sephi first because she is the only person that would understand where I'm coming from. Why you ask? Because she's been there.

What happened? Well, I had an epiphany as you read. An epiphany that made me realize that I am indeed owned. Not only am I owned... but it's been that way for a long time most likely. I'd love to tell you how long but you see I don't know. I just found out today myself. I just work here(HA! See what I did there? Funneh.(god damn it! You see that "Ha" right there? Yeah, Caels fault. Take it up with him. I have come to loathe the word/sound and yet Tada! There it is!)). It could be a month. It could be a year. I'm not privy to such information.

I will share a piece of a conversation Sephi and I had. I'm doing this because I Talked to her about it and I can't seem to explain clearly right now.

"The white rabbit has struck again. Had a bloody big club too! I was in the shower...the place were all ideas are formed and it just struck me... I am totally fucking owned and I didn't even know it.

Every single part of me belongs to ___. Probably has for quite a while. I can't remember the last time he asked something of me and it didn't happen. It could be years... it honestly could have happened before I even started with B. ____was always where I went...always where it was safe. We already know damn well that he's dominant to me. He has absolutely all the control... I changed out a piercing size the other night that I've been humming and hawing on for over a year... he decided and I just did it. I ignored B when he tried to tell me what to do. When I talk to him it's comforting and calming and makes me happy... it's like what I had with B but even more so. I absolutely depend on him, whether it's big things or random little shit. I have never once lied to him or kept something from him. If he's upset with me I literally tear up and want to crawl around behind him until he forgives me. (Unless I happen to be mad too...but we've never really fought so gods only know). He tells me things I listen, that connection is just there. Even when I was dating B it was.

There are other things that lead me to this conclusion, but in the end... I'm owned. He knows we have the connection, he knows he's in charge and he loves it..... I think he maybe knows that he owns me but I don't know. I understand that it's not going to change anything right now... we can't date...he's not ready and I'm still not moving yet. But... I'm having a real issue trying to decide whether or not to even voice that he owns me.... if he knows it.. he'll laugh at me for being slow... if not... im not sure. But I have never once kept anything from him... 1. I don't like it. 2. I'm not entirely certain I'm capable. Before you and Master got back together did you have that issue at all? Also, keep my mouth shut? I just don't know!"

I omitted his name on purpose. Anybody know who it is? Cael you say? Why YES. I honestly cannot see how I missed this. His teasing "I thought you would have figured it out" was not helpful! But, I digress. He totally knows that he owns me. Has for a while.  After realizing this and thinking back.... it all fits together. It all makes sense. Maybe I didn't see it because I wasn't ready. I don't know. Either way, it is kind of nice. It's calming and makes me happy to know that I am owned. Even if I don't call him master (though it probably would happen if he wanted it) or we don't date right now. I still know it. I don't feel off-center anymore. I feel stupid for not seeing it, but happy I'm not alone in seeing it. *Shrugs* Anybody wanna look through my ears to straighten the picture on the wall?

Falling Down The Rabbit Hole...Again.

I want to blog. I want to explain exactly what is on my mind and see if I'm absolutely insane for thinking what I am right now. However, I cannot. I can't talk about it because I haven't even talked to the person it involves about it. I'm not sure I want to, I don't know if it's a good idea to explain what I'm thinking and feeling about something or just keep my mouth shut. There is a very good chance the person already knows the conclusion I came to today (Shower epiphany...wonderful thing.) and as such will just laugh at me, or it may upset or make them uncomfortable.

Trying to decide whether to say anything or not is hard. I know the conclusion changes nothing, I get that.. so is it really worth telling them? Or would they like to know?

 Fucking white rabbit!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Crap; The New Thing

As the title implies, I feel like crap. It is just about 2 in the morning where I am right now, I am still awake.

I'm still sick. No, really. I seem to be getting a bit better but I was lulled into this before and then I got worse. So, physically I feel like crap.

Mentally, I also feel like crap. I've had a week of being absolutely isolated. Haven't left the house, haven't seen anybody other than those I live with and even then they have been out a lot. It's starting to get to me. I'm kinda lonely. Add that to the fact that I went all day with almost nobody to talk to. Everybody was busy, sick, or just plain didn't answer me. So I sat alone all day. Bored. So really, I have had all day to think, to wonder, to overthink. Tonight part of why I cannot sleep is that I can't stop thinking. Nothing pleasant either. Things that I thought I had resolved are rearing their head, trying to make me jealous and upset. I'm trying my best to  hold out but gods, it is not easy tonight. My mind has wandered from everything to schooling, skin/dominance/pain hunger, to friends, to how I feel about Caels new play partner(which I thought I had resolved. Maybe I do and my mind is just picking at me. I don't know.), to my overwhelming need to go through the house and clean every inch of it. Several of these things have pushed my mood further and further down until I'd rather curl up to somebody and either whimper, cry, fall asleep or just be. As opposed to almost anything else really.

Emotionally, yet again...crap. Which is being caused by several of the things in the mental crap category. I just seem to be falling down a hole tonight. From minute to minute what I'm feeling changes. From anger, to indifference, to sorrow, to worry, to fighting back tears, and the list goes on. I'm feeling very scrambled.

I was talking to Chris today and I think I maybe pinpointed at least some of my issue. It has been a year since I was with B. No sex, no pain, no submission, so safe/homey feeling. It's not just the sex that one begins to crave. It's everything. I'm actually either jumpy I'm so keyed  up or I'm just not completely there, almost hollow. With these plus the reasons above... I cannot sleep. It occurred to me that maybe it was partially because I hadn't talked to Cael today. It has been months since that has happened ( other than no service interfering when camping). It's routine, it's something I'm used to, something I enjoy, and as I've learned today maybe even something I crave. After years of knowing him, he's become a part of my daily life, maybe even to an extent myself. I know he's always there, always around when needed or wanted. Maybe not having him around today has thrown me off. Which to be honest I enjoy, and something that scares the absolute hell out of me. I like having him around, I like the effect he has on me and vice versa. Without going too deep into things and embarrassing myself, having him around is good, he makes me happy. Which brings me to the part that has struck fear into every fibre of my being. While I love that he is that ingrained with me....he is not my master. We are not dating. Neither are plausible or possible right now for various reasons that have been discussed privately. All of these things are reactions that only he and B have ever been able to induce with me. Which is great. I know eventually something will happen there. But in the meantime... the meantime sucks. There is fear there because while there isn't a definable status there... there is a connection. Always has been. What happens when he finds a play partner, or a girlfriend or whatever title you want to give it? That is what scares me. It's having that connection, that good, happy feeling ripped away that I don't like. Him and I have talked about it, I have perfectly logical reasoning for him dating, for everything that's happening. I even accepted that reasoning and was perfectly fine with it. Understanding it, happy with it even because in the back of my mind I know that no matter who he dates...that connection is still there, the knowledge that he will get me eventually in whatever form is still there(He gets me because we're both certain that even if we lived to be 80 I'd never be able to get him. Shadup! His ego gets hungry sometimes, one must feed it:) ).... but tonight, tonight it bugs me and I have absolutely no reason why. 

Cold maybe? Rough night? Lonely day? Overthinking? Who knows. I just know I feel like crap tonight in almost every way. More cold meds must be the answer! ...sorry for the ramble, I'm tired.

 This went much darker than I intended it to be. My head is a rabbit hole it seems.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Jello Walls Are Kind Of A Bitch

I really have no idea what this post will be about. I have nothing. But, I need to keep my mind busy and this is about the only option I have left.

My plants are kind of pissing me off. Well, more accurately the weather that is causing my plants to stop growing is pissing me off. It's cold, and there is pretty much no sun and apparently plans on staying this way for the next 14 days. Doesn't anybody know that I have tomatoes that need to ripen!? I have a feeling this whole summer of tending and fussing over my plants will be pointless because the plants will die. I've emailed Nilla in hopes that she has some goddess of the green thumb wisdom, but I am not hopeful. Irritated, but not hopeful.

I am still sick. I'm also very tired of it. I've been taking medication for days but I haven't seemed to have gotten much better. However, I did manage to go in and get groceries today. It's a good thing I don't drive because my eyes were shut the entire drive there. Throwing up was a very real thought and possibility. Keeping my eyes closed seemed to have helped, at least a little. Of course, getting to the store was a whole new things. I got out of the car, at which point I got dizzy. I couldn't feel my legs kind of dizzy. My head was swimming. I was quite honestly ready to collapse/fall down at any minute. I stayed that way through most of the trip. Made it interesting but not easy.

That has been my entire day. It s actually more than I've done in quite a few days thanks to this cold. I've mostly been curled up with a book, movies, kleenex, and my cold medicine for three or four days now. I don't remember how long. That in itself cannot be a good sign.

However, just because I haven't done much doesn't mean I haven't learned anything. Today I learned that Jello walls provide zero protection. They're there, they look pretty and even kinda cool but they are useless. They don't protect you from anything. Anything can slip through Jello. Those are the walls I have right now with at least one person. They are no good. While I am aware beyond a doubt that I really have no right to be upset about what I'm upset about. The person was never really "mine,"  but knowing yet again that that option is gone, well it hurts. And it sucks and it makes me think I need stronger walls. I don't want them at all with this person, but I'm beginning to think that I need them and that in itself is another hurt. Nobody really to blame but myself, I built the damn things even if I wasn't aware of it at the time.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Add on

Just to refresh.... THIS is what happened last time I Was on cold meds and speaking to people.

Holy Hell

I had every intention of making an actual post instead of a short one tonight. However, I have since left a comment on Sephi's blog that has proved to me that I cannot handle speaking to people, let alone in a public type way.  For your amusement I'm also leaving the comment here... I'm totally justified in this.

"Okay, so I’m sick too. However, in all fairness… I think we are both types of sick. Don’t lie to yourself saying things like “hey…HEY! You know you want me! FUCKIN PAY ME!” are not things most people would put in the normal, sane, and straight laced catagory. However… I do because this is the only catagory I know. (I also have a strange need to call my next cat Gory… he can be a cat-a-Gory…get it! Once again, no more cold meds for Serene.)"

And! Yes I do know that it's "category"... it's the pills!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Full circle

A few weeks ago I was sent an email. This person didn't want their email on the blog, so I answered it privately. However, since then things have happened that have caused me to really think about this persons question. I was basically asked why I didn't like women, or at least the women my friends date.

I can't say I entirely agree with the perception taken by this person but it is a fair question. Any guy I've talked about here that has gotten a girlfriend I have come to not like.  However, this is not because of jealousy, female hate, or any other variety of things. I try to give every girl a fair chance(the ones that my guys date (Yes, they are mine. I have a very short list of people who I consider mine. That I'm close to and care for and various other things.) anyways. I have the same rule for guys my girls date, though admittedly the girls are a much shorter list.) when it comes to them dating my friends. I really do. There are some that give me a bad feeling right out of the gate and they're usually the ones that end up going bad very quickly. Even when I get that feeling, I generally keep it to myself and try to be open-minded. There have even been times where I have really liked somebody one of my friends was dating, enjoyed their company and thought that they were good for the other person.

Where the train falls off the track when something bad happens. 99% of the time I see it come a mile away because 1 I am a girl, 2 I'm friends with girls, and 3 I've known and been friends with some very bitchy, petty, catty girls. I get how it works, I can understand the reasoning most girls use and see why or where they were going with something. It's a creepily accurate skill. When one of these bad things happen, and it's bad enough and I can tell the reasoning for it is not good.... I no longer like the girl. At all. Chris and his ex gf are a good example of this. She went batshit crazy on me and tried to explain it away to him. A few months later they are done for the exact reason I told him when she had her temper tantrum. She had done exactly what I said she would do. I tried liking her, I really did....and I kept that going right up until she started fucking him around. A girl fucks one of my guy friends around... I take issue with it. I just do. Especially when the guy they're doing it to really loves them, cares for them, would do anything for them, etc. That pisses me off.

Cael is another example (I'm attempting to stick to examples I've mentioned before or this would be a long ass post.). I was upset at first because I didn't like the way things changed, but I got over it. I seen how happy he was and I started liking the girl because of that. Then things happened (he hasn't talked about them on his blog so I won't go into detail here either.) and it ended. Before it was decided that it was really done, I had decided I no longer liked her. If they would have worked it out, I would have been fine, gotten over it. However, the way things were handled pissed me off. Severely. There is not a single bone in my body that can fathom doing what was done, to somebody else. Let alone somebody that loved me and would have bent over backwards for me.  Something that happened with all of this tonight, inspired this post. A response that was given to something said, physically shook me. Made me mad enough it has taken a long time to write this post because I'm having trouble finding the words.

I'm going to take this in bullet points to keep everything organized and it reduces the chance of a rant that gets way too detailed. These are all things I have seen done to friends, that piss me off and make me change my opinion about my friends gfs or ex's seeing as how the question was specific.

  1. Attacking your Bfs friends, girl or not... it's not a good thing especially when you are severely out of line with your accusations.

  2. Taking him for granted.

  3. Playing princess and MAKING him pay for everything, every time you go out....even though you come from a rich family, have a huge bank account and your job pays more than his.

  4. Prissyness that gets to the point of judging him and his family for every little thing just because they are different from the high-priced, prim and proper, spoiled background that you have.

  5. Being so scared that your bf may cheat on you(with no ground of course) that you phone him every 5 minutes and pester him until he finally leaves wherever he is. (Hint, it's not like you could hear a blowjob on the phone if they didn't want you to...just sayin.)

  6. Buying a phone with a tracker in it for him. Seriously...wtf!

  7.  Getting pissed off when he says he can't afford to take you out for a $200 meal

  8. Getting mad and making snide remarks about sexual difficulties. (Funny part is, once the girl was dumped the problem stopped occurring HMMM!)

  9. Running away and hiding instead of dealing with something, or working to fix the relationship. Or disappearing all together. (Yes I can be grouped into this one. And in my opinion....if you're refusing contact...you not only should be dumped but never deserved to have the person to begin with especially when the person wants nothing else in the world but to work it out.)

  10. Deciding a relationship is done and not telling the person. See personal comments of point 9.

  11. Showing no respect what-so-ever.

  12. Showing no interest in something they have said, or have to say.

  13. Making it seem like a huge inconvenience to read something from them, talk to them, or even acknowledge them.

  14. Knowing you're hurting them and not giving a shit.

  15. Carrying on and leaving them in the dust without so much as a backwards glance.

  16. Begging drug money from them then disappearing for weeks on end. (Don't worry, he was smacked for giving it to her)

All of these things I have watched happen. Several of my friends I have watched hurt. All in the last few months. So no, it's not that I don't like the women my friends date. I try to like them, they don't allow it. Not for long anyways. Today Sephi told me "Yeah it sucks to see someone else hurt our men," and it really does. Especially when you can do nothing about it.

Saturday, September 4, 2010


Short post. Just a couple things.

1.  It's hot today, but for the last little bit and in the next few days it's supposed to be cool. Cool and shady. No sun. My plants are not happy. I have a ton of cherry tomatoes....all green and showing no signs of turning red. I don't have any at all on the larger tomato plants. No peppers either. Several of the plants are getting too big and laying down... I need cages or something. My chives are thriving. My basil however is not doing well. One pot seems to be fine but the other seems to be dieing. Sigh.

2. Lady Di has been spending quite a bit of time over here. It's fun. We amuse each other, I enjoy having her around.

3. I'm not back in school. I can't afford to go back for a couple of weeks. I'm behind before I even start. Kind of a "well for shit!"  moment.

4. I am sick. I am irritated. I'm thinking I got something from my brother...damn it! I hate being sick. I'm hoping it just stays in my head. I've had enough hospital visits this year. I've napped, I've been plugged up, I'm over it. 

On that note, I'm leaving this post at that. It's sucking for more brain power and I just don't have it to give.