As the title implies, I feel like crap. It is just about 2 in the morning where I am right now, I am still awake.
I'm still sick. No, really. I seem to be getting a bit better but I was lulled into this before and then I got worse. So, physically I feel like crap.
Mentally, I also feel like crap. I've had a week of being absolutely isolated. Haven't left the house, haven't seen anybody other than those I live with and even then they have been out a lot. It's starting to get to me. I'm kinda lonely. Add that to the fact that I went all day with almost nobody to talk to. Everybody was busy, sick, or just plain didn't answer me. So I sat alone all day. Bored. So really, I have had all day to think, to wonder, to overthink. Tonight part of why I cannot sleep is that I can't stop thinking. Nothing pleasant either. Things that I thought I had resolved are rearing their head, trying to make me jealous and upset. I'm trying my best to hold out but gods, it is not easy tonight. My mind has wandered from everything to schooling, skin/dominance/pain hunger, to friends, to how I feel about Caels new play partner(which I thought I had resolved. Maybe I do and my mind is just picking at me. I don't know.), to my overwhelming need to go through the house and clean every inch of it. Several of these things have pushed my mood further and further down until I'd rather curl up to somebody and either whimper, cry, fall asleep or just be. As opposed to almost anything else really.
Emotionally, yet again...crap. Which is being caused by several of the things in the mental crap category. I just seem to be falling down a hole tonight. From minute to minute what I'm feeling changes. From anger, to indifference, to sorrow, to worry, to fighting back tears, and the list goes on. I'm feeling very scrambled.
I was talking to Chris today and I think I maybe pinpointed at least some of my issue. It has been a year since I was with B. No sex, no pain, no submission, so safe/homey feeling. It's not just the sex that one begins to crave. It's everything. I'm actually either jumpy I'm so keyed up or I'm just not completely there, almost hollow. With these plus the reasons above... I cannot sleep. It occurred to me that maybe it was partially because I hadn't talked to Cael today. It has been months since that has happened ( other than no service interfering when camping). It's routine, it's something I'm used to, something I enjoy, and as I've learned today maybe even something I crave. After years of knowing him, he's become a part of my daily life, maybe even to an extent myself. I know he's always there, always around when needed or wanted. Maybe not having him around today has thrown me off. Which to be honest I enjoy, and something that scares the absolute hell out of me. I like having him around, I like the effect he has on me and vice versa. Without going too deep into things and embarrassing myself, having him around is good, he makes me happy. Which brings me to the part that has struck fear into every fibre of my being. While I love that he is that ingrained with me....he is not my master. We are not dating. Neither are plausible or possible right now for various reasons that have been discussed privately. All of these things are reactions that only he and B have ever been able to induce with me. Which is great. I know eventually something will happen there. But in the meantime... the meantime sucks. There is fear there because while there isn't a definable status there... there is a connection. Always has been. What happens when he finds a play partner, or a girlfriend or whatever title you want to give it? That is what scares me. It's having that connection, that good, happy feeling ripped away that I don't like. Him and I have talked about it, I have perfectly logical reasoning for him dating, for everything that's happening. I even accepted that reasoning and was perfectly fine with it. Understanding it, happy with it even because in the back of my mind I know that no matter who he dates...that connection is still there, the knowledge that he will get me eventually in whatever form is still there(He gets me because we're both certain that even if we lived to be 80 I'd never be able to get him. Shadup! His ego gets hungry sometimes, one must feed it:) ).... but tonight, tonight it bugs me and I have absolutely no reason why.
Cold maybe? Rough night? Lonely day? Overthinking? Who knows. I just know I feel like crap tonight in almost every way. More cold meds must be the answer! ...sorry for the ramble, I'm tired.
This went much darker than I intended it to be. My head is a rabbit hole it seems.