Tuesday, September 21, 2010


Tonight, was rough. Tonight was scary. Tonight was clarifying. Tonight was helpful.  Tonight hell rose up, destroyed the world as I knew it and rebuilt it a little bit more carefully and better than before.  In short, it's been a long night. But I'm okay with that because it was needed.

Tonight things with Cael and I ..blew up? changed? took a turn? ...I'm not sure what to call it. Together we had a moment, a freak out if you will. We poked and prodded and eventually tore at each other until we were both confused, lost, hurt and couldn't figure out which way was up. And I bawled and gave myself a headache. Twas a night.

What happened? Well, I'm not really sure. I don't think either of us is, not entirely any way. It started out with us talking about him dating and him asking me how I felt about it. Being me, I told him EXACTLY how I felt about it. I think this is what started the ball rolling,and maybe the first thing that bugged Cael. From there, things went downhill. Spectacularly rapidly. What happened from there was a mess of things I can't even begin to unravel. A mix of attempting to push each other way, hold each other close, move forward, stay where we are, confusion, fear,....insanity erupted. After we picked for a while more he tried convincing me that moving would be too hard. I would have none of it. (I told you I could be stubborn! Doubt me again will ya! :) ) A few more things like that happened before we finally got down to the real issue. He feels bad dating other people while wanting somebody else. He also feels bad because he's dating when he knows I want him and he wants me. In short, it's a mess that finally erupted. 

After the bawling, fighting, emotional kicking and pushing, fear, exhaustion, etc. We finally came up with a solution. Us being together isn't even an option until I'm done my schooling. Then when I'm finished (and thus moveable) whenever we're both single at the same time we will try. In the meantime we can date anybody we want. It gives him the room to date and not feel guilty  that he needs and has the security of knowing that we will happen that I need. It works for both of us. It allows both of us to function normally knowing that the other one really isn't going anywhere and that we will get each other eventually so it should free us both up. That's the hope anyways.

I have actually cried so much during that conversation I have a headache right now. The thought of losing Cael in that way scared me right down to my toes, like something was searing through me. Honestly, I cried more at that thought than I did over completely losing B. It would have torn me apart. Cael is very important to me, the eventuality of him and I is important to me. Important enough that I have actually considered what will happen when we do date before I move, whether or not allowing other girls would be an option if it was a fairly large chunk of time... and I think it is. That in itself shows how much this means to me... if somebody else had suggested that to me they would have been gutted. I thought of this one on my own and am okay with it.

Getting back on track, it was a rough night for both of us. But, we got a plan and maybe some peace of it so it was worth it.

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