Saturday, April 30, 2011


Over the last few months I've become more and more involved with the Edenfantasys site. I've found more things to read, discussions to be apart of(mainly the kink ones), toys I want(I have this coming to me). Most importantly though, I have found new fuel for my addictions.

I have a thing for candles. I really do. There are currently 14 of them in my bedroom. I also have a thing for lotions and oils, ....I'm not going to count those though last time I did I had over 20 lotions. The oils have all but died out, they aren't always the easiest thing to find. But EF has them. Right now I have a bottle of oil on its way to me, and I'm lusting at the candles that turn into massage oil as they burn.

I'm not going to lie, part of the appeal of those candles is getting to pour warmed/hot oil over Cael. It's just not something a sub generally gets to do, normally the dominant is the one with heated things, or evil paddles. And I totally realize that the oil wont get that hot, it's meant for this but damn it, I'm going to hold on to it anyways.

The longer I poke around this site, the more things I find that I want. It's a wonderful circle.

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store

Thursday, April 28, 2011


Since Cael and I talked about what's been happening things have changed a bit. Definitely for the better as far as I'm concerned.

I now have to send him a report each night detailing my exercise and diet. What I've eaten and done essentially. I write down each meal, record each bit of exercise and send it all to him. As such I've actually been doing exercises like I should have been the whole time. Turns out I really did need to lose more control there in order for it to work. He has me doing about an hour a day right now. Though today's hour was mostly cleaning thanks to allergies.

On the plus side though everything is clean, an my knees aren't killing me. I did some yoga yesterday along with a few other things so I'm a little sore. But not nearly as sore as I used to get so I am improving.

I've decided to only weigh myself once a week, seeing my weight go up even when I'm exercising is just depressing on an every day basis. I know it's going to take a bit to get the effects of the exercise but it's discouraging to say the least.

In the last few days I went in shopping and came home with some new make up and brushes. I love them. I also acquired a couple new shirts, one of which has a black and white pattern on it... most of my clothing is just solid colors so it's a change. Trying to get comfortable without hiding behind things.

I've been a lot happier the last couple days. Caels around again, my rules are being enforced, I can curl up around him again, and he's coming down soon. It's a happy, scary, excited, worried, mix of things.

I'm just calm.

And since I am calm I'm going to try to nap. I haven't really slept that much since Cael left, I never do. I'm so owned.

Monday, April 25, 2011


And ye shall receive.

Cael read my post.

He's coming down in two weeks.

I got so scared I spelled "It'll" as "Ittle" ....Seriously.

This scares me, but I'm trying very hard to see the positive.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my ass has suction cupped to my chair.

Swimming Lessons

Because today I feel like I'm drowning.

I really don't even know what this post is about. For the last while I've been talking about how busy Cael is and how stressed he was. I talked about trying to behave and be understanding.

Which is all well and good, but in the end...  you can only do that so long before there's a break in the dam. Before you drop a ball or two and wonder why you're left holding nothing. I dropped the exercise. Which I have talked about several times, but today was the first day I actually took time out and thought about things. Cael said I had the week to think about it all and I thought I had solved it and found my explanation that night.

Now, today...I don't think I did.

I think I spent so much time making sure that I wasn't bothering him that I forgot about me. I forgot that I need him and I've been spinning in circles for quite a while now. Sephi and I talked about some stuff the other day, and I realized that I seem to be on pause when he's not around. I do day to day things, but in general my whole person pauses and waits for him to return. Which isn't really a bad thing, but the last couple weeks he's been busy, this week he's visiting family, next week he has friends coming to stay with him.

It wasn't until he told me that he had friends coming out that I realized some of my issue was being on pause and thinking I was SO close to getting him back and getting my rules and everything enforced again. I need him in general but I really need that side of him I think. It wasn't until then that I realized I am a little mixed up. That I really do NEED the punishments to set me back on track, because somewhere along the way I fell off of it. I don't begrudge him having friends out, or going to visit family, or even the plans he has with other girls. I really don't. What bugs me is that I want a part of him too, and that parts been missing lately.

I've felt insecure all day, I thought at first it was because he told me about some plans he had that in the abstract I'm okay with, but full out knowing I'm not. Which is true, but that's not really why I'm insecure. I think it's because whoever this person is is getting more of him than I do lately, and it worries me...scares me.

I don't individually any of these are big deals, at all, but when you add them all up with my general missing of him it's a bit to swallow.

I've even considered not sending my report tonight. Not for attention, but to see if he'd really punish me. Could it be that I don't want to send it because of my mood and today being a spectacular fail on all accounts? Could it be that I need to know that he will punish me because I've never had anybody follow through? Or, could it be I want to be shown that he means what he says, and using this to prove to myself that he really is sticking around? I don't know. I really don't. It could be none of them, I could just be a bitch today.

My head is scrambled. I think maybe part of the reasoning is I have spent all day thinking and I've just gotten myself so twisty turny that I don't know which way is up in my own mind anymore.

The last little while has been rough, on me and him. Maybe I didn't realize how much until now because most of it's over and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. (I swear to gods if it's another fucking bus!!) We may see each other in a couple of weeks, it could be longer. We don't know. It's a scary thought but at the same time, it's needed. On both ends I think.

If (boy am I going to get my ass kicked for that "if")it goes like he says it will then it'll clear out a lot of my issues. It'll clear my head a bit, I am pretty damn sure a lot of my problems in this post are because I miss him. Or even because I need the dominance and control for a bit. I need put back in my place and told where that place is. I know where that place is. I am his, I will always be his. He owns me, and he's keeping me. My place is at his side listening to him, the end. I think I need to be told that, need it shown to me.

A lot of subs get this head space from time to time, need to be drawn back in. I've never had it happen before, I've just listened and been content with it. I haven't really struggled with shit before (aside from the mess B put me through but it's not the same) as far as submission goes. Once I Accepted it, it was just fluid and right. I've never head my head twist like this, whether I need to be tied and spanked versus cuddled and reassured I'm not sure. Maybe a combination, cuddles with a hand at my throat.

So, as to what my real issue is... I don't know. I'm not even sure there is a real issue.

I KNOW I am his.

I KNOW that won't change.

I KNOW he won't leave me.

I KNOW I won't leave him.

I KNOW he owns me.

I KNOW I have nothing to worry about.

I KNOW my head is just screw today.

Did I mention I got maybe 3 hours of sleep last night? Sleep is a reluctant bitch without Cael around... I think the brain worm throws a party and keeps me awake.

Friday, April 22, 2011


Irony is waiting weeks to be able to talk to somebody like normal again and the first conversation you have ends with you in tears, and in trouble.

That's how the conversation with Cael is going.

He's been very busy lately with school. School is done. He's not busy anymore. He now has time to notice all the little things he didn't before.

He noticed the exercise, and that I didn't tell him until it was too late. He seen the hole I've been slipping into for weeks for now.

I didn't tell him because I didn't want to make things harder for him. He was already stressed. So, I just kept it to myself. And now I'm in trouble. I broke my exercise rule and I kept things from him. I wrote on here about it all a bit, hoping he would see it and I would get in trouble and be pushed again and he was too busy to see what was happening. When that happens I'm supposed to tell him and I didn't.

I now have to report to him every night about my diet and exercise. Part of me is happy about it. The other part is hoping it doesn't stop. I don't blame him for being busy or missing things at all, I do it too when I get busy. It just sucks sometimes.

He told me that he thinks I'm scared to lose the weight incase I'm still not happy, or things don't turn out like I think they will so its easier to stay the way I am. And I think he's partly right. But I know the other part of it is I need the drive, that push, I need to know that if I fuck up he's going to punish me or it just doesn't happen.

His rule is if I don't do my exercises, and do them properly I can't orgasm or play with my toys. Aside from one night when him and I played I have not touched my toys in over a month. I still followed every other rule I have, but not the exercise rule. And why? I don't know. Other than the previous things mentioned I cannot find a reason why its this rule that continues to fuck me up.

Cael mentioned that I need to start doing my exercise or he'll drive down here to punish me if that's what's needed. Part of me happy that he'd do it. The other part doesn't believe he would. Maybe part of me issue is that I've never meant that much to anybody before, I've never been a high enough priority to take time out of their lives to set me straight. Maybe that's part of why I keep fucking this up too, I never expect him to see it, or have it matter.

I don't think I've completely wrapped my head around the fact that I am that important to him, that he would take time to help and punish me if that's what is needed  ... even typing that I was unsure if I should say it in-case it wasn't true. I just don't have that view-point yet.

So, today I have spent a few hours teary-eyed, explaining myself and apologizing.

Because the truth is I DO want to mean that much to him. I do want to lose the weight. I am sorry that I didn't tell him what was happening right away. And, yet again I spent today learning to be better, which all in all isn't a bad thing. It's just an unpleasant process.

The Chicken Drives To 711 At Midnight

Cael has been gone a few hours. Just a couple hours, not days, not even 6 hours. Nope.

And yet?

Sephi has gotten me trying to lick my elbow.

I have tried to lick my nose.

Sephi and I have discussed three handed masturbation... we really should be born with a third arm.

I've lusted at make up.

I've browsed lingerie.

I've written another post for Eden Cafe. (both links will be posted when they go up)

I've had a talk with my dog about barking at stray cats and how she shouldn't do it because they're homeless. And she listened.

I've skipped around the kitchen.

I've chased my cat.

I've watched reruns of Roseanne.

This week? Should be a hoot.

I? Am off to phone Lady Di.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Because I'm On Top Of Shit...

...I'm getting my post done early today. Or ya know, it could have something to do with probably getting in trouble for something I'm going to write and not wanting to spend all night procrastinating so Cael doesn't kick my ass. This way? He gets it sooner, my ass get kicked sooner and we all move on merrily :)

First though, mundane not gonna get myself in trouble stuff.

I've activated google calendar and have set it up so Cael has access to it. Right now I'm tracking when posts are due(I write a lot of stuff in a month btw), when I'm getting groceries, everyday type stuff. I've set it up so once Cael has spare time he can add things, or even just track my days better. Hell, there's even day or agenda settings so he can schedule my days hour by hour if he wanted. I may be begging for control. Perhaps.

I ended up going in a day early for groceries this week. My mom has her holiday stat Monday-Thursday and it made more sense to go into to town early and be able to say home for the rest of the week. I also plan on doing a turkey on Wednesday, since it is technically her days off for Easter. It's currently sitting in the sink, my bread crumbs are drying out...and I am turning into June Cleaver. Seriously. Wtf me?

Carrying on that statement, I got my herb seeds yesterday. I spent a few minutes planting them in one of those little plastic "faux" greenhouses. It's sitting in the window waiting to sprout. I got Basil and Parsley... I use quite a bit of both. I also got a couple of packets of flowers. I've had a thing for them lately and if I can get them growing in little pots in the house I should be able to keep them. Ones a wildflower mixed packet, the other is a "zebrina malva" flower that I quite like.  As far as veggies...last years huge fail has put me off it a bit. Maybe if I can eventually put them in the ground instead of doing pots they'd do better. But, in the pots they don't tend to end up with weeds. I hate picking weeds, thus... they are probably not being planted.

Cael and I talked the other day about moving and bills and the house. I got informed he's paying for the house.  I don't think it's fair, it's not an equal thing that way. He informed me that it is equal because he'll be making more money. Which, is true... and in all honesty, will probably always be true. It still bugs me that he wants to do it all himself, but that's not really my choice. If he decides that's what he wants to do when it comes time to do it then I'll accept it. Considering it's taken me over a day to accept the thought now. We're splitting the bills though, and that isn't changing!

Cael has decided that I'm sending him pictures of myself at least twice a week.  We're going on the thought that if I get used to him seeing me I wont be as freaked about it. So far, it's working. The first time I did it I toke about 30 pictures. The second time I took 3. I talked to Sephi about it and she thinks it's a matter of acceptance. I'm not happy with how I look, but instead of taking picture after picture and obsessing over what I don't like, I just accepted it and sent it. Which makes sense. Though I have found angles that I look better in and I use them. Religiously. There is only so far I can go though. I can get used to it, but there will still be a thread of fear there. It will be there until he's here and I know for sure that's he's okay with it, with me and still wants me. I can make progress, but I need the last step to really be in that space.

Since I'm getting more comfortable Cael and I are thinking that maybe we'll start going back and forth visiting this summer. Still a scary thing but damn it, I want my bear!

I took a break from writing this post, and took my second picture to send to him for this week. I ended up sending him two pictures out of the mere 5 I took. Which in itself is great. But when you factor in I took them in my bra, not in clothing I can hide in it's better. AND THEN!! You add in the fact that out of the 5 pictures I took, 3 of them I hid or tried to hide my arms (I hate my arms, seriously.) and those ones? I didn't send. I didn't like them as much as the ones where all of me was visible. I sent the two where he could see everything. I'm hiding less and less. I'm a little proud of me.

Now, onto the part of the post that will get me in trouble. My exercise. I got sick, it went down, we worked on it and I was just starting to get it going again and I was taken out by another cold. I'm now on immunity boosting pills. I'm done being sick. But, my exercise has yet again taken a shit kicking. Between being sick, having a pout, needing to be pushed until I get that groove back.... none of it's flowing right now. And it sucks.

But! I have made progress with the pictures and being comfortable so I'm holding on to that one as a victory.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Behaving Is... / Being His Is...

...apologizing when you realize you've been a pain in the ass.

...listening even when you don't want to.

...sucking it up for him even when you don't want to.

...choosing to push forward when you want to fall apart.

...accepting that he's busy and TRYING not to pester him.


...swallowing my pride and letting him pay for a house for us.

...learning his standards and expectations.

...telling him the truth no matter what.

...longing for him and not letting it drag me down.

...needing a spanking/flogging/to be bruised and having to wait, and not letting it drag me down.

...lusting after the ring of steel collars and looking forward to the day he puts one on my neck.

...wanting and at times begging to be marked as his, whether it's a bruise or a collar.

...exercising my limited amount of patience on numerous things.

...waiting to move to be with him, and doing it gracefully, not pouting about it.

... being strong enough to keep moving forward when he's not leading me at the time.

...learning to accept small absences without getting sad.

...realizing that sometimes bawling is better than holding the hurt and miss in, and letting it seep into my days.

...hard. But worth it. 100 times over even.

I? Am definitely a work in progress. But, then who isn't?

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Feeling Off

I don't really have much, if anything to say. Cael and I had an issue yesterday, there was a mistake made, and we worked it out. We're okay. It's just something I haven't completely shaken yet, though I will.

I luff him to pieces, and I'm not going anywhere, I want to be with him...but because this was so recent I'm still in the feeling off stage of it. Though I have made progress in sending him pictures and becoming more secure and comfortable that way.

I want to be told I'm luffed and being kept.

I want a hand at my neck, showing me my place.

I need curled close to and shown I'm cared for.

I? Have an insecure.

Safety First!

I've been poking around EdenFantasys for a while now, and by far one of my favorite features is the safety information for each toy. I myself am a bit of a clean freak, and have leanings towards germaphobe. So this feature? Huge to me.

Silicone and Glass toys are well-known for being share - safe. This is because they can be boiled and sanitized. Most product pages (such as this one, scroll down close to the bottom)tell you how to clean it, where it falls on the safety scale (glass and pure silicone are 10's btw), whether or not it can be sanitized/boiled, and even what lubes are compatible with the toy so you don't end up wrecking it. Now, the lube thing is good info, but the safety... that's huge.

A lot of people in this lifestyle go to play parties or have other people they play with. It's always good to know you can share your toys and be able to disinfect them so you stay safe.

Cael and I have been talking about this a lot lately, and have decided we'd eventually like to play with other girls. And when we do? I'll be going shopping on EF again, because I KNOW I can trust their ratings and safety guidelines. Keeping me and those I choose to play with safe is always a priority.

(P.s.  Not all toys are able to be boiled!! Toys that have batteries, or anything but pure silicone, glass, metal, etc. Should not be boiled unless otherwise stated. Materials can and do melt and you'll be left with dildo soup.  Maybe next post I'll tell you about fire and your toys :D )

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Round & Round The Garden

"Round and round the garden
Like a Teddybear.
One step, two step
Tickle you under there"

My Aunt used to say that to my brother all the time when he was little and it's stuck with me. Right now I feel like I'm going "Round and round the garden." Caels schooling is taking more of his time lately as I've mentioned. What I haven't said is it's taking more of his attention, more of his energy and is in the priority spot right now. Which while I miss him and want his attention, I totally understand. I know I'm still important to him, I know he makes time for me and I know he feels bad that he can't give me more of himself. I get that and I appreciate it. I completely understand why his schooling needs his attention right now, and I even agree with him and encourage it. Doing this schooling will get him a better job, it will help him a lot and in the end when I move it'll help us. Which is great, getting to that point though...the point where I'm moved up with him, he's done with the schooling and we're where we're supposed to be...that's a lot of work, and it's hard, and some days it just plain sucks.

Sephi and I have been talking about it a lot lately. We talked about the big girl slub panties that need to be put on so we can deal with this type of thing. It's not always a BDSM dream, it doesn't always take precedence. Sometimes reality steps in and pushes that dream aside. It's still there in the background, always present but not as in your face, or important. And that? Is hard some days. Not because I'm pouting or throwing a fit about it all or even missing it/him though I do. It's finding my footing with it. I'm not sure where I belong or what I should be doing when I'm not firmly in that "You are my slub, and you listen to me place." I know I'm still his, still owned, still submissive to him, my physical place is still at his side to support him. That's the easy part. Trying to work out what I can just go ahead and do on my own without his guidance or say so is the hard part. Do I revert to the vanilla gf mode like I would around his family and friends and try to maintain that? OR Do I continue to bring things to him as I always have and wait for him to have the time to direct me? After a while of thinking I've settled in the middle. I still bring things to him, but I don't bring as much. If they're things we've talked about before I decide what to do based on previous discussions. A lot of the time I just let him know what I'm doing with the thought of "If he doesn't want it done he'll tell me." I know his expectations of me, I know most of the time what he'll allow and what he wont though he does have a tendency to surprise me sometimes. I go based on what I think and bring it to him or mention it in passing. If he doesn't say anything I Carry on with it. I'll never be a good vanilla gf, ever, so why try?

I've also been talking to Sephi about my weight issues and the way I think sometimes and she's made some good points. She's suggested sending pictures to Cael so that I get used to him seeing me and it wont be as big of a deal. I took this to Cael and he hasn't said much due to reasons above. Sephi's also made me think about the way I interact with Cael, and that accepting what he is to me instead of just knowing might help me too. I KNOW that he's everything to me. I know that. He leaves whether it's for school or for mini-vacation type breaks and I wait for him. I wait for him to come home, it's like everything pauses and waits for him. I function, I move forward but I'm still waiting.  He's who I look to for approval, help, luff, guidance, dominance, pain, comfort, safety, everything. That's just what he is to me. Accepting all of that, swallowing it, feeling it and owning it is a scary thing, it's a lot to lose but it's also a lot to gain. Accepting it will take away some of the fear I think, make me more comfortable as will taking the pictures.

This is where the round and round begins. I'm making progress, but without something to keep me moving forward in that direction I'm scared I'll lose ground. I do not want to lose ground. I don't want to go backwards with this so I'm fighting it, going in circles with it. Contemplating just sending him the pictures whether he wants them or not.

I want to be with him and truthfully, I have no reason to be afraid of how he'll react to me, to the weight. He's told me he isn't going anywhere. I need to trust that. Especially since I want to be able to be around him. He uploaded a video on his facebook yesterday of him singing and I loved it. I had a hell of a time watching it though. I had to keep pausing it because I got overwhelmed with it, with him. Wanting him. Wanting to be near him. If I want that I need to get past this issue.

I was in my room last night when he put the video up. I watched it a few times and ended up laying in bed as it played. I fell asleep almost as soon as I lay down. That? Is rare. I take hours to fall asleep. Suddenly I can hear him and I fall asleep easier than I have in years. That's probably the most telling thing for me. I knew I functioned better, was happier, more content, and comfortable with him around, but being able to hear him is apparently better. As such I may or may not have pulled a ninja and gotten just the song so I can have it on replay when I sleep. Perhaps. *blinks innocently*
I tend to sleep better with somebody around anyways, but the song helps. It's not as good as having him around but it's closer than I was before. For me it's more so the little noises that people make that I enjoy and want. The coughs, the breathing and whimpers, even snoring depending on the person. Yet more points towards having him around and getting over this. Do you see how I keep going around in circles, yet I always end up back in the same place. Being with him. That's the end of it for me.

And now because I spent so much time gushing at him and have completely forgotten what else I was going to write about, I'm done for today.

P.S.  We've had to lock Caels blog to prevent family and friends from finding it and reading it. If you would like to read it you can create a wordpress account and email me your screen-name and I'll pass it on to him and he'll decide who gets access.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Missing My Mister

Just as the title says, I miss Cael. Which is ridiculous because I've talked to him today. I've stated before that it takes very little for me to miss him and it's very true. I think part of why I'm missing him lately is it's mixed with a bit of concern. As for why I'm concerned it's been addressed as much as I'm willing to delve into it in previous posts.

He was fairly busy yesterday, he's had headaches and he's either gone to rest or I've told him to go. He's been very busy with school and tests and studying. And the distance is definitely getting to us both. He's stopped doing the little things he used to... the little text-based hugs or touches. He's stopped because it's too hard, it reminds him he can't do it in person right now. I understand why he's stopped and it even makes sense, but it's another piece of him I miss.

Part of me is terrified of the outcome when he sees me. The rest of me is going to want to curl up with him and not let go for days. Honestly, once he's grabbed me or touched me enough or pinned me and tried inhaling my face I'll be comfortable then I WILL be wrapped around him for days refusing to let go. Whether he comes here or I go up to where he is nobody will see us for days the first time we actually get to be together. I have many many luffs to cover him with. Being able to touch him is going to be so unreal for the first while. Giggles and squeals of "I CAN REACH YOU!!"  "LOOK LOOK I CAN TOUCH YOU!!" will happen quite a lot. It's a very good thing he's used to me already :D

I've been asked why I stay with Cael. I've had guys try to put him down to me for various reasons. I find it almost funny. These people clearly don't know me very well. They don't know how determined I am. They don't know what he means to me, or how much I've fallen for him, or how serious I am about him. Most of them are motivated by jealousy, or lust, or just plain bitchiness. With each comment made they have no idea it makes me realize how lucky I am to have Cael, how little they know about me, and how much Cael means to me. That man means the world to me, and there is nothing in that world that could make me give him up, what we have, or what we will have. Clueless people.

Sunday, April 10, 2011


The last little while I've had quite a few thoughts. Some of them good, some bad, some really don't matter at all.

Last night Cael and I talked about it and I think he finally drilled it into my head that he's not going anywhere no matter what. We want each other around so I think we'll be spending time together sooner than I thought. Before I lose weight that is. I'm tired of waiting, and I know he is too. It's still a little scary, I'm still unsure and timid with the idea but it needs to happen. I know that. I need to get over this and be with him before one of us loses it. He's told me time and time again that he wants me, that it's me no matter what I look like and I need to trust that.

Sephi and I had a conversation about it and I sent it to him. There were some suggestions that may help over come this and even more detail than I may have given him. I know Sephi gets, she has been/is where I am with things a lot of time so she's easy to talk to. It's hard talking to somebody about something and knowing that in a million years they wont get it. I'm not saying that's what it's like with Cael because it's not. I know he gets it,  but I'm not as vulnerable with Sephi. ...not that he doesn't get told or shown anything anyways.  So for now, I sit and wait to see what he says about the conversation when he gets a chance to read it and see what changes, or if we keep going with what he's set up. Slavery. It's a lot of waiting :)

Cael and I also talked about control and dominance recently. Turns out, I have some control! I know!! Another point against me for slub of the year. I don't have much control, but I have some. I can tell him what I'm thinking and feeling and more often than not it changes things. Basically, I get the control that he allows. It's almost impossible to explain how you can have control and still be submissive and follow what he wants. I can't even get it straight in my head enough to explain it and I live it everyday.

I've also been thinking about natural submission versus fetish submission. For the longest time when I was just reading blogs I'd find one after the other of the same thing. All of them talked about how their master would give orders and it excited them. They would get a tingle or become wet. And for a while I wondered why I didn't have that response. I'd read further back in their archives seeing if they had to work to get to that point or what it was. More often than not a lot of them would say they only did the dynamic in the bedroom, or for the odd day/week before things went back to normal for a while, or that they had it 24/7 but they struggled or didn't want to submit at all. It didn't come natural to them. That's when I got it. It came natural to me. Being given orders didn't make me wet, it made me feel right. It made me comfortable and content. I didn't eroticize it because it felt normal to me. It felt good yes, but not in that way.To me, submitting is a natural thing. The sex, bondage, pain and other things are of course exciting in a whole new way, but obeying, that's just right to me.

Friday, April 8, 2011


So, I just got an email informing me that I overlooked some questions in March's Question Month and this person wanted to know if it was because of the nature of the question. It definitely wasn't. I didn't intentionally not answer any questions so if yours didn't get answered send me an email reminding me and they will get done.

Now, on to the questions I missed.

I was wondering if you ever missed b? I mean I know you're with cael and happy with him but do you ever miss aspects or parts of b that cael doesn't have?

I definitely do not miss B. You know how the further away from things you get, the more clearly you see them? That's what this is to me in a way. Looking back I can see that it was so not a good relationship. It wasn't stable or healthy at all. It wasn't equal in terms of affection, and I never once felt like I was wanted, appreciated, or even really cared for. So why did I stay? Because it was the first dominant/submissive relationship I had. I enjoyed that part of it and at the time didn't separate it from him. When he first left I missed what we had, but that grew less and less rather rapidly. When Cael and I started getting closer I wanted to call him master, it was a pretty big urge, but again that's gone too. Everything with B was so forced. I forced myself to submit, I forced myself to call him daddy, I forced the entire relationship into being what I wanted/needed but it never quite made it. I totally faked it. It wasn't a comfortable safe place, I wasn't really happy, I wasn't at home with him, I didn't really enjoy his company...we were so not suited for each other. You know how people talk a lot about pheromones and their scent for each other, how even after hours on a plane a person can smell amazing to them? Him and I did not mesh like that. I couldn't stand the smell him even when he wore his expensive cologne, or just after he got out of the shower. I hated sleeping in his bed for that reason too, all I could smell was him and I didn't respond to it well at all. It got to the point where I'd make sure I was wearing extra scented lotion, or perfume when I knew I was going to see him.  I couldn't stand the taste of him...any part of him. I once refused to kiss him until he went and brushed his teeth, which was fine until the minty taste went away then I was back where I started. I kept trying to force it into being something I wanted and liked. I tried to force it into working and it so wasn't. Not on any level. It's not like that with Cael. I don't have to force anything... it's just natural. My submission, my obedience, the flow of the relationship. It's a healthy relationship, it's an equal relationship, I know I'm luffed, and cared for, and wanted and it means the world to me. I want to wrap Cael around me and use him as a blanket not take him to a car wash and spray him down. So, no, I don't miss B. 

You mentioned that you and cael talked about having kids. Do you know what you want? How would you take care of them, would you both work or would one person stay home? I'm currently pregnant so I'm just curious I guess.

We did talk about having kids. For right now though it's on the back burner for a few years then we'll talk about it again and see where we are with it. Cael definitely wants them, more accurately he wants a boy. Right now his reasons are because he's the last guy in his family. He needs to carry on the name and such. Which to me, isn't a good enough reason, thus part of why we're waiting a few years and talking about it again. I can really go either way with it on having one and on gender, you can't choose anyways. If we do have a kid, I'd want to stay home. If we could afford it or I could find a job that let me telecommute I would definitely stay home.  My mom stayed home and I loved it, I don't want to have to put the kid in childcare. Most of it is so expensive anymore it totally defeats the purpose in having a second source of income anyways. So, that's what I'd like to do. Whether or not Cael would permit it I don't know.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Once Upon A Time....

....there was a girl who lived in a rainbow colored castle, who had a rainbow colored unicorn and rainbow colored hair.

Yeah. I got nothin'.  I think I'm starting to come down with a cold. My throat is sore and I'm way too fricken hot. Everybody in my house has a cold so it seems likely. I'm getting some more vitamin C pills since I'm almost out and I'm contemplating getting vitamin D pills as well. I've been sick so much lately. I just got over a cold that destroyed my exercise and diet routine and it's finally back on track. I don't want to ruin it all again.

Today I wrote a post for Eden Cafe. When it goes up I'll make sure to share the link. I also finished up a book of sociology. Five hours and 74 typed pages later, that is.

Cael is going on a trip over the Easter break. Remember what happened when he went on a trip for the weekend? Yeah. A whole week of the insanity. I'll miss him like hell... I can text him..but I don't like to. I don't like bothering him when he's off visiting people, especially when I know he needs the break from stuff. So, during that week I'll do school work..and exercise..and twiddle my fingers and bug Sephi ...and that should kill a day or two.

And now, because I've run out of things to say... and because I have to go wrestle my cat to get her to take her medicine (seriously, who wants to give a cat drops that you have to wrestle her down and pry her mouth open for? She wont eat her food if we put it on there so it has to be done. I'm sure she's part ninja) that's all for tonight.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


Well, I'm going to babble. Why am I going to babble? Because Cael has a headache. He gets REALLY bad ones and I worry about him, they have developed other issues but I'm so not even close to being ready to blog about that. But, I do worry.

When he gets these headaches I want to help him so much because I know how much they hurt him. But, there is absolutely nothing I can do. so, when he gets a headache I love on him a bit. If he tells me he's laying down I give him an hour or so and check on him. Basically, I try to leave him alone as much as I can. Which if you've been reading here long you know isn't easy. I miss him very easily. He is so ingrained in my that an hour or two go by where I haven't heard from him I definitely notice. Add that to knowing he's in pain/uncomfortable... it sucks. I soo want a magic wand.

In good news though I managed to get outside to walk. FINALLY. It was cool but I needed to do it. I've made it the week that Cael required to get my reward. Which right now is reintroducing play time. Which I am totally having mixed feelings about. On one hand I know he's having trouble with his nymphomania, I know he's busy and stressed and getting headaches and I don't want to make any of that worse. On the other hand though.. I want him. Badly. He can make one comment and make my whole body respond without even touching me. I LOVE playing with him.  So, when that happens we see how it affects him, if it's not good then we find something else.

I try so hard to take care of him from where I am and I can't really. I am so looking forward to moving and being with him where I can rub his back or get his pills, or anything else. So, on the heels of that I was thinking yesterday that maybe I'll just lose a few pounds to get a bit more comfortable and have him come down. Losing the large amount I wanted at first is just too hard. I want him around. And that? Scared me. I was scared that he'd leave if he didn't get down here soon, or if he seen me and didn't like what he seen. Add that to the last post about being worried about his nymphomania and I had myself in a nice little insecure mess. So, what did I do?

I pestered the fuck out of him until I got some attention. Which, sadly ( :D ) he's used to. I told him I was feeling insecure and why, and I got told that he understood. That he wanted me around too and that he wasn't going anywhere. Needless to say I curled myself around him for a while. Every day that goes by seems to reinforce that I do in fact NEED him. I may not like that fact..or even be scared of the vulnerability of it, but it doesn't make it untrue. I need him in so many ways.

Talking about/telling him everything is so natural, and so right it feels wrong to do anything else. Especially since I tell him anything and he fixes it or "awe babe" 's me and I curl around him and feel better. He doesn't always share with me like that, but we're working on it. He's not used to it. He's very independent, very much shoulders his own problems and others. Which while it's not always good for him and we're working on shaving it down a bit so he doesn't burn out... it's yet another thing I luff about him. He is absolutely the most caring, luffing and amazing guy, and I'm soo hanging on to him.

As I said this would be a ramble... no direction, just typing. I've run out of things to type, no more avenues to explore tonight.

Monday, April 4, 2011


That has been my night. Aflou.

Without going into details, I'll just say that Caels nymphomania is "flaring up" and I need to type. I need somewhere to put this where I don't feel like I'm bothering him because lets face it, he's who I talk to about it.

His nymphomania doesn't bother me. I don't see it as a big issue. There are times, like now where it needs to be dealt with and taken care of. We've been talking about therapy, and I've found one that does couples counseling for it which I think would be good when I move even if he does keep going on his own and it's an every other month thing. It's something we both live with, just on opposite ends of the scale.

I'm sure part of the flare up is due to stress, he's had soo much of it for the last year. I also have a friend who has a mild version of nymphomania(who refuses to let me tell anybody in any way shape or form aside from this blog because its anonymous) and he told me that having his gf live with him helped a lot. The intimacy of it all, the touches and day-to-day intimacies  helped. So, I'm hoping that it works for Cael that way too. I want to be able to help, at least a little which is another reason I want to do the couples counseling, or even find one just for me if he doesn't want to go with me.

What's scaring me right now is the thought that he may decide he doesn't want this/me anymore because he's having these issues. Or that when/if he goes to counseling for it he'll decide this isn't good for him. This scares me, and I want the reassurance but I know he's stressed and unhappy about the situation already, I don't want to add to it.

I've also been looking at a few counseling websites, and quite a few of them are geared towards women with these sexual "issues" or claim that they can change the way you view fetishes. I like his fetishes. I'd rather he kept them.


Today was a fairly slow day.

I exercised this morning as usual. I've been doing fairly well with it. It's not as intense or long as I'd like to get to. Stretching, weights, a bit of cardio, hoping to be able to go on walks soon. Stupid weather.

Other than that I cleaned up my room. I had dvds on the table(and in the living room) and a few drawers open among a few other things. That's definitely one thing I will not miss when I move. If there is one or two things out-of-place in my room it looks like a bomb went off because it's so crowded.

Since cleaning I've made my grocery list, all healthy meals (go me!) and have been talking to Cael. That's about it for today. It's been very boring yet insanely tiring.

Now, I'm off to make supper. Hopefully there is something going on soon so I have more to blog about.
I’ve been involved in the BDSM lifestyle for a few years now. In this time I have learned quite a few things merely by stumbling into them. I have compiled a list with a few of these lessons in hopes to save some of the bruises I received. Or at least give you new things to try. These are all things I’ve done. A few of these may be done on a regular basis.

Okay, perhaps most of them are done on a regular basis.

  • When receiving a spanking, do not call out “Use your words!!” It will get you nowhere.

  • I can’t even begin to count the number of times I have gotten an arched eyebrow in response to something I’ve said. Including threatening to wax said eyebrow off so he couldn’t use it. I think this was bad for obvious reasons.

  • The words “I dare you” should never be uttered. You will lose that bet.

  • “It was just a lucky shot” and “Bet you couldn’t do that again” also fall into the previously mentioned category. As does “That won’t fit!” because believe me, it WILL.

  • During an argument the phrases “You can’t make me” or “Who made you boss?” are never valid. They can in fact make you, and well…you made them boss.

  • Threatening to punish your dominant, be it physically or otherwise will only cause laughter. Generally a lot of it.

  • Offering stickers for your dominants good behaviour is not appropriate. Apparently..

  • Do not smack your dominants ass as they walk by unless you’re faster than they are and can escape.

  • Never assume you’re faster than your dominant. You are not.

  • When woken up at 3am to get your dominant a glass of water, growling, “Get it yourself!” will not go over well and you will find yourself face down sleeping on the floor.

Friday, April 1, 2011

That Loving Feeling

Recently I made a purchase from EdenFantasys. I'm sure you're all shocked.  One of the toys was the Emigi. While it is technically a kegel exerciser I still consider it a toy. I love this thing!

I really like wearing it around the house, though it has made it out while shopping. It has little weights in it that move around with your body. Not going to lie.. I may wiggle more as I walk when I wear this thing. I love the feeling of the weights moving inside. I've also already noticed a difference in muscle strength and I've it not even a full month I don't think.

Right now I'm perusing the site, page after page trying to decide what I want to get next. There are soo many things. I am honestly at a loss right now, there quite a few things I'd's really a matter of narrowing it down into lists. I'm accumulating quite a wish list.

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store

Ketchup Post

....Ketchup...Catch-up....get it? Good.

Currently I am baking bread. Once the bread is done I'm getting dressed and going out to an outdoor show in town...lots of walking. Exercise win! I've been doing better with the exercise. At least for the last few days. Of course this means I'm getting stiff/sore again. ....well, my ass is. Why is it that my ass is always the first thing to get sore? That's just weird.

Now, I'll expand on something I wrote about yesterday...I was exhausted  when I wrote it and forgot half I wanted to say :)

I'm defining this as C/s because he and I aren't typical in..anything really. :)  The only similarities or aspects that fit definitions of the lifestyle is he is dominant and I follow his lead. We very much do our own thing and I never know how to explain or summarize that on here so I finally just made one up. I do very little without asking his permission...even things I know he'll let me do I generally mention them. But, at the same time I have quite a bit of freedom. I think it would take a whole post to write out everything, but this is a basic summary.


And, now for things I completely forgot about

1. I am now sending Cael update pictures for every ten pounds I lose. Which really works well considering I'm taking this in ten pound increments. I have quite a few of them to lose, so he'll be getting quite a few pictures but I just keep reminding myself that it's worth it. It's a good thing. He's helping. He's not running, he's still here. I don't think I'll tell him what I weigh right now, I'm not sure he or I could handle that but when I lose it... then I think I could do it.

2. When I lose the weight and get down to where we want I get a reward. I plan on buying myself this gorgeous sapphire ring. Now? Cael has decided that he's going to take me to Ireland as well. Which lets face it... I love. I'm oddly attached/connected to the forests and nature here...going there will probably only strengthen that. Not looking forward to the flight though. At all.

And now? My bread is done.