The last little while I've had quite a few thoughts. Some of them good, some bad, some really don't matter at all.
Last night Cael and I talked about it and I think he finally drilled it into my head that he's not going anywhere no matter what. We want each other around so I think we'll be spending time together sooner than I thought. Before I lose weight that is. I'm tired of waiting, and I know he is too. It's still a little scary, I'm still unsure and timid with the idea but it needs to happen. I know that. I need to get over this and be with him before one of us loses it. He's told me time and time again that he wants me, that it's me no matter what I look like and I need to trust that.
Sephi and I had a conversation about it and I sent it to him. There were some suggestions that may help over come this and even more detail than I may have given him. I know Sephi gets, she has been/is where I am with things a lot of time so she's easy to talk to. It's hard talking to somebody about something and knowing that in a million years they wont get it. I'm not saying that's what it's like with Cael because it's not. I know he gets it, but I'm not as vulnerable with Sephi. ...not that he doesn't get told or shown anything anyways. So for now, I sit and wait to see what he says about the conversation when he gets a chance to read it and see what changes, or if we keep going with what he's set up. Slavery. It's a lot of waiting :)
Cael and I also talked about control and dominance recently. Turns out, I have some control! I know!! Another point against me for slub of the year. I don't have much control, but I have some. I can tell him what I'm thinking and feeling and more often than not it changes things. Basically, I get the control that he allows. It's almost impossible to explain how you can have control and still be submissive and follow what he wants. I can't even get it straight in my head enough to explain it and I live it everyday.
I've also been thinking about natural submission versus fetish submission. For the longest time when I was just reading blogs I'd find one after the other of the same thing. All of them talked about how their master would give orders and it excited them. They would get a tingle or become wet. And for a while I wondered why I didn't have that response. I'd read further back in their archives seeing if they had to work to get to that point or what it was. More often than not a lot of them would say they only did the dynamic in the bedroom, or for the odd day/week before things went back to normal for a while, or that they had it 24/7 but they struggled or didn't want to submit at all. It didn't come natural to them. That's when I got it. It came natural to me. Being given orders didn't make me wet, it made me feel right. It made me comfortable and content. I didn't eroticize it because it felt normal to me. It felt good yes, but not in that way.To me, submitting is a natural thing. The sex, bondage, pain and other things are of course exciting in a whole new way, but obeying, that's just right to me.