Friday, April 8, 2011


So, I just got an email informing me that I overlooked some questions in March's Question Month and this person wanted to know if it was because of the nature of the question. It definitely wasn't. I didn't intentionally not answer any questions so if yours didn't get answered send me an email reminding me and they will get done.

Now, on to the questions I missed.

I was wondering if you ever missed b? I mean I know you're with cael and happy with him but do you ever miss aspects or parts of b that cael doesn't have?

I definitely do not miss B. You know how the further away from things you get, the more clearly you see them? That's what this is to me in a way. Looking back I can see that it was so not a good relationship. It wasn't stable or healthy at all. It wasn't equal in terms of affection, and I never once felt like I was wanted, appreciated, or even really cared for. So why did I stay? Because it was the first dominant/submissive relationship I had. I enjoyed that part of it and at the time didn't separate it from him. When he first left I missed what we had, but that grew less and less rather rapidly. When Cael and I started getting closer I wanted to call him master, it was a pretty big urge, but again that's gone too. Everything with B was so forced. I forced myself to submit, I forced myself to call him daddy, I forced the entire relationship into being what I wanted/needed but it never quite made it. I totally faked it. It wasn't a comfortable safe place, I wasn't really happy, I wasn't at home with him, I didn't really enjoy his company...we were so not suited for each other. You know how people talk a lot about pheromones and their scent for each other, how even after hours on a plane a person can smell amazing to them? Him and I did not mesh like that. I couldn't stand the smell him even when he wore his expensive cologne, or just after he got out of the shower. I hated sleeping in his bed for that reason too, all I could smell was him and I didn't respond to it well at all. It got to the point where I'd make sure I was wearing extra scented lotion, or perfume when I knew I was going to see him.  I couldn't stand the taste of him...any part of him. I once refused to kiss him until he went and brushed his teeth, which was fine until the minty taste went away then I was back where I started. I kept trying to force it into being something I wanted and liked. I tried to force it into working and it so wasn't. Not on any level. It's not like that with Cael. I don't have to force anything... it's just natural. My submission, my obedience, the flow of the relationship. It's a healthy relationship, it's an equal relationship, I know I'm luffed, and cared for, and wanted and it means the world to me. I want to wrap Cael around me and use him as a blanket not take him to a car wash and spray him down. So, no, I don't miss B. 

You mentioned that you and cael talked about having kids. Do you know what you want? How would you take care of them, would you both work or would one person stay home? I'm currently pregnant so I'm just curious I guess.

We did talk about having kids. For right now though it's on the back burner for a few years then we'll talk about it again and see where we are with it. Cael definitely wants them, more accurately he wants a boy. Right now his reasons are because he's the last guy in his family. He needs to carry on the name and such. Which to me, isn't a good enough reason, thus part of why we're waiting a few years and talking about it again. I can really go either way with it on having one and on gender, you can't choose anyways. If we do have a kid, I'd want to stay home. If we could afford it or I could find a job that let me telecommute I would definitely stay home.  My mom stayed home and I loved it, I don't want to have to put the kid in childcare. Most of it is so expensive anymore it totally defeats the purpose in having a second source of income anyways. So, that's what I'd like to do. Whether or not Cael would permit it I don't know.

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