Friday, April 22, 2011


Irony is waiting weeks to be able to talk to somebody like normal again and the first conversation you have ends with you in tears, and in trouble.

That's how the conversation with Cael is going.

He's been very busy lately with school. School is done. He's not busy anymore. He now has time to notice all the little things he didn't before.

He noticed the exercise, and that I didn't tell him until it was too late. He seen the hole I've been slipping into for weeks for now.

I didn't tell him because I didn't want to make things harder for him. He was already stressed. So, I just kept it to myself. And now I'm in trouble. I broke my exercise rule and I kept things from him. I wrote on here about it all a bit, hoping he would see it and I would get in trouble and be pushed again and he was too busy to see what was happening. When that happens I'm supposed to tell him and I didn't.

I now have to report to him every night about my diet and exercise. Part of me is happy about it. The other part is hoping it doesn't stop. I don't blame him for being busy or missing things at all, I do it too when I get busy. It just sucks sometimes.

He told me that he thinks I'm scared to lose the weight incase I'm still not happy, or things don't turn out like I think they will so its easier to stay the way I am. And I think he's partly right. But I know the other part of it is I need the drive, that push, I need to know that if I fuck up he's going to punish me or it just doesn't happen.

His rule is if I don't do my exercises, and do them properly I can't orgasm or play with my toys. Aside from one night when him and I played I have not touched my toys in over a month. I still followed every other rule I have, but not the exercise rule. And why? I don't know. Other than the previous things mentioned I cannot find a reason why its this rule that continues to fuck me up.

Cael mentioned that I need to start doing my exercise or he'll drive down here to punish me if that's what's needed. Part of me happy that he'd do it. The other part doesn't believe he would. Maybe part of me issue is that I've never meant that much to anybody before, I've never been a high enough priority to take time out of their lives to set me straight. Maybe that's part of why I keep fucking this up too, I never expect him to see it, or have it matter.

I don't think I've completely wrapped my head around the fact that I am that important to him, that he would take time to help and punish me if that's what is needed  ... even typing that I was unsure if I should say it in-case it wasn't true. I just don't have that view-point yet.

So, today I have spent a few hours teary-eyed, explaining myself and apologizing.

Because the truth is I DO want to mean that much to him. I do want to lose the weight. I am sorry that I didn't tell him what was happening right away. And, yet again I spent today learning to be better, which all in all isn't a bad thing. It's just an unpleasant process.


  1. I just feel like you're in an abusive relationship, and I don't like it.

    Sometimes i wonder if I should keep following your blog, because it's not a pleasant thing for me to read about...I don't want you to end up in the same situations that I did.

  2. If you choose not to follow anymore that is entirely up to you.

    I'm not in an abusive relationship. I've been in them, this is so not it. It's a BDSM relationship, it's a 24/7 thing for us so when I make a mistake or step out of line he pulls me back in line. I need that...without it I get lost and make no progress on anything. He is actually very careful and considerate with me. Right now though, Im going through some stuff and I need him to be tough with me, I need him to take that control. I NEED him to pull me back in line, even if that means being mean or punishing me. It's just the way we work. There are a lot of relationships that function this way. It's what works for us.

  3. I've been reading your blog quietly for a while but I have to say something..

    From what I've read, Serafina Brightside, this is in no way an abusive relationship. To me (just my oppinion and ya know what they say about those?) He cares for her to much to abuse her. Its a GOOD thing that he took time out of his day for a correction.

    My Master does this when I've messed up to. It doesn't mean He loves me less than usual. It means that He cares enough to help her in her struggle areas! And I say, Way to go Sir!!

  4. Thank you for the comment and opinion :)

    He does care about me, and corrects me because of that, you're right.

    Feel free to comment more often, I wear the shiny's not my place to bite :D