Irony is waiting weeks to be able to talk to somebody like normal again and the first conversation you have ends with you in tears, and in trouble.
That's how the conversation with Cael is going.
He's been very busy lately with school. School is done. He's not busy anymore. He now has time to notice all the little things he didn't before.
He noticed the exercise, and that I didn't tell him until it was too late. He seen the hole I've been slipping into for weeks for now.
I didn't tell him because I didn't want to make things harder for him. He was already stressed. So, I just kept it to myself. And now I'm in trouble. I broke my exercise rule and I kept things from him. I wrote on here about it all a bit, hoping he would see it and I would get in trouble and be pushed again and he was too busy to see what was happening. When that happens I'm supposed to tell him and I didn't.
I now have to report to him every night about my diet and exercise. Part of me is happy about it. The other part is hoping it doesn't stop. I don't blame him for being busy or missing things at all, I do it too when I get busy. It just sucks sometimes.
He told me that he thinks I'm scared to lose the weight incase I'm still not happy, or things don't turn out like I think they will so its easier to stay the way I am. And I think he's partly right. But I know the other part of it is I need the drive, that push, I need to know that if I fuck up he's going to punish me or it just doesn't happen.
His rule is if I don't do my exercises, and do them properly I can't orgasm or play with my toys. Aside from one night when him and I played I have not touched my toys in over a month. I still followed every other rule I have, but not the exercise rule. And why? I don't know. Other than the previous things mentioned I cannot find a reason why its this rule that continues to fuck me up.
Cael mentioned that I need to start doing my exercise or he'll drive down here to punish me if that's what's needed. Part of me happy that he'd do it. The other part doesn't believe he would. Maybe part of me issue is that I've never meant that much to anybody before, I've never been a high enough priority to take time out of their lives to set me straight. Maybe that's part of why I keep fucking this up too, I never expect him to see it, or have it matter.
I don't think I've completely wrapped my head around the fact that I am that important to him, that he would take time to help and punish me if that's what is needed ... even typing that I was unsure if I should say it in-case it wasn't true. I just don't have that view-point yet.
So, today I have spent a few hours teary-eyed, explaining myself and apologizing.
Because the truth is I DO want to mean that much to him. I do want to lose the weight. I am sorry that I didn't tell him what was happening right away. And, yet again I spent today learning to be better, which all in all isn't a bad thing. It's just an unpleasant process.