Idle Chatter

First of all, it's been a while since I posted. I know this. However, I am still sick. Yeah. Several months now. If I'm not dramatically better by monday I'm going back to the doctor.

Considering I've been so sick my energy levels are pretty much nil. My days have consisted of showers, medicine, talking to Cael and on occasion talking to Sephi. Which means I have had a lot of time to sit and think, to talk with Cael, to read and to sit and stare at things for hours on end and completely zone out. Since I have nothing going on, I'm going to ramble-write about the things I've thought of in the last while.

• I was talking with a friend of mine a while ago and he mentioned that his girlfriend was upset about a lack of intimacy in their relationship. When I asked him what he thought his response was they "have sex regularly and always cuddle after" which to me explained a lot. I don't really see sex and cuddling as the only things in a relationship that create intimacy or are intimate. You can have sex that has no intimacy, same with cuddling. To me, intimacy is something that you build. It comes from being completely open with each other. Letting the other person in to the point that they know all the secrets, all the dark scary things inside you. They know the real YOU not the you that you let your friends see, or the you that you put on for others. The you that only you yourself get. It comes from thousands of small touches. A back rub, hand holding, any touching that is done just because you want to touch the person, that's done not for the purpose of sex but because you can't not touch him sometimes. It comes from the hundreds of silly little jokes, comments or moments that are shared.


• Over christmas on the 1 day (literally one day) that I was feeling better I watched the way some of the people around me reacted and treated each other. One of the things I noticed was how some people don't treat the person that they're married to or dating any different than they treat their friends or other family members. They don't differentiate be it because they call everybody pet names and are (or pretend) they're as sweet as honey or they're distant and cold towards everybody. That? would drive me insane. Yes, I like to be treated differently by that one person than they treat others but! it would bother me more to treat that one person the same. It really would. Depending on who I'm around... I can be pretty damn cold, closed off or sarcasm based. Treating that one person like that isn't something I could. I naturally treat them differently. Even now with Cael, I treat him differently. He may not be here, but he gets more attention, consideration, caring, etc than most people do from me. Which leads me to my next point.


• Comfort. I ended up having to go to two different christmas celebration. One at each grandparents house. When I went to my dads family I spent a while picking out my clothes, a while showering, doing my makeup( though part of that was to piss off people who I don't care for) etc. When I went to my mother's family... I showered and got dressed. No preparation, no concern, no makeup. I'm comfortable there. While I am more comfortable with the people there, that wasn't it entirely. I'm just more comfortable there in general, even more myself. (Now to connect the two points) When I noticed this I started thinking about guys I've been with and my comfort level with them. While B was the one my comfort level was best with up to that point... it wasn't entirely comfortable. I still felt the need to hide, emotionally and physically. He was in my head to an extent... but he didn't dig and I didn't open up. Almost a year out of it and I can see a wall there when I look back that I didn't see when I was in the situation. This of course lead me to think about Cael (You all as shocked as I am?). There is no wall there, (or what little remains of one is dissolving) he is pretty deep in my head. He knows things that others don't. I sent him pictures that I refused to send B even after we had sex. I've told him things and then paused because they were things I hadn't even fully admitted to myself yet. When I got upset on Christmas he was the first place I went. And all it took was an "Aww" to make me feel a bit better. I wasn't looking for help or reassurance, I just wanted understanding and somewhere to cuddle up for a while. He's exceedingly good at reading me, it's scary sometimes I'm just more comfortable with him on a lot of levels.

 

 

And now, because I'm exhausted..Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, rah rah rah!

Purdy Flower

Look what I got today!!!



 

Isn't it pretty? I'm attempting to be patient. I may be failing. I want to open it! I want to know what's in it. However, most of the excitement I think is coming from the fact that it's from Cael. I have presents sitting here from other  people and I don't know what's in them... and I'm not nearly as excited. I feel a little ridiculous that he can get that much of a response from me. I'd probably be this excited over a card as well. *shakes head*

And just so you're aware.... I don't only take pictures in the kitchen. I just happened to be there when I got the box and I'm a little impatient so I stopped making the snack mix so I could get it out of the main box. I knew it was wrapped so I wasn't breaking any rules by opening the first box *dances*

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

 

I'm starting off by saying I'm still sick, and I'm exhausted so chances are this post will be rambly and not at all cohesive.

Remember how a while ago I was so into getting Caels help with my diet? Remember how I even looked forward to it? Remember that saying about being careful what you wished for? Needless to say, I wasn't on top of shit and Cael is now helping me. I have diet rules. I have diet consequences. I lose touching privileges, the more I fall off the wagon... the longer I'm not allowed to touch him. Teh fucker? He knows me. And while I technically can't physically touch him right now, I still do little things over text. Little touches, little gropes, things his whim at the time lets me get away with it. That wouldn't be allowed. That? Would drive me up the wall. In person it would be worse, I'd probably even tear up a little bit. Especially if it was for quite a while. He thought this through he did *glares*

This venture of diet rules are definitely different from those I had with B. With B, I had a set amount of calories for each meal, I had to ask him if I could eat or drink anything other than water, and several other things. With Cael? I have consequences and him checking up on me. That's it. Oddly enough, I think this will be more successful. Yes I lost weight with B... but I didn't listen to him. I did what I wanted, ate what I wanted... because half the time he was too busy to read the texts let alone answer them and when he did... I didn't listen to what he told me. Plus, what did I learn other than that I could lie to him and that he could be Hitler-esque when he wanted to be. The way it was set up... I didn't learn how to keep things going because while I ate healthy... it wasn't a lifestyle change, it was doing what he said when I wanted. With Cael it's totally on me, I need to come up with a plan, I need to stick with it, I need to learn what's working and what's not... and if I fuck up... I have to go to him with it. And unlike with B... I know something will be done about it. Cael has never not followed through on a punishment once he said there would be one. With B... I did what I wanted because he didn't stop me, he didn't punish me, he didn't talk to me about it. He just let it go. So, I'll probably be successful with this because I do have a supportive base that's going to keep me on track.... once this set in the other night, I got scared. We basically ruled it down to me being scared that I'll fail him and he'll disappear and me being scared the he actually follows through on punishments. I've never had that before. The fear subsided almost instantly but it was odd.

During the moment of panic Cael asked if I was maybe scared that he'd fail me as a dominant. That actually made me stop and smile. I personally don't think it's possible. Not because I've put him up on pedestal and think he's perfect and it just isn't possible with him. In general... I don't think it's really possible for a dominant to fail you unless you put them on that pedestal. (This is assuming that the person is actually a dominant and not just somebody that likes to boss you around on occasion and have rough sex. Don't know who I could be referring to!! *blinks innocently*) I know that he isn't perfect, that he's going to get sick, that he's not going to be dominant and leading me every second of every day, I know that there will be mistakes with me and in general. I don't see that as him as a dominant failing.I see that as a normal progression of a relationship. Nobody is perfectly suited for somebody all the time. Its how a relationship grows. *Shrugs* I personally see the "My dominant failed me" statements to be immature and pointless.

Now, as I've gotten off track... The reason Cael is using lack of touch as a punishment is because he knows that will affect me the most. I see the touching as a vital thing with people (Of my choosing!) when you're with them. Not touching for any reason other than to get to sex, or having every touch turn into sex... it's missing something, robbing the relationship of something. It just is. Those little touching, caresses, innocent "I just want to touch you" brushes or cuddles, they help cement things in relationships. They add a level of intimacy, comfort, contentment and even happiness that the sex alone wont. I value those things quite a bit. If you add that to my texture junky status... I like to touch. Not enough to be clingy (Despite what SOME people think. I think it's just because this person hasn't had that before that they view it as clingy)... I don't follow the person around(I've seen a girl follow a guy to the bathroom and stand at the door with her hand on the doorknob until he came out....THAT is clingy) or have to be touching them every second, but I still enjoy it. Thus, taking it away would get an immediate response. Smert man.

Now, I'd like to tell you about Bob and Kathy. The easiest way to do this is to share with you a conversation I had with Lady Di.

Lady Di : So what is it you were going to tell me?

Serene : OH! Remember how I couldn't find a pair of my panties? I've figured it out.

Lady Di : Oh?

Serene : Yep. It's Bobs fault. Because you see, the way I figure it the only way I could have lost them is if I was having crazy sex and they got flung somewhere. BUT!! If I'm having sex... chances are I will be playing both parties. So I think it's bobs fault. Kathy pays attention to where that shit ends up... Bob just flings without a care.

Lady Di laughs to the point of almost needing to pull over the car : That does make sense. Hey! Maybe it was Bob who moved those boxes! We'll have to check to see if Serenes panties are in my box. I've had problems with panties in my ass... but never in my box.



That right there? That's why I like Lady Di so much. Then apparently Bob spread. My mom and Lady Di work together. As my mom was walking by Lady Di she heard her say "Damn it! Bob must have been in here!" (where she was working somebody had made a mess of the area) And then they went off on a tangent about Bob. Poor Bob.

Hmm, what else?Oh! Caels present for me should be here on the 21st!!! I'm not allowed to open it until christmas eve... and I got one hint.. it's waterproof. Tease.

Ahem

Just for future reference trying to disguise a temper tantrum as physical exclamation points.... doesn't work. Bastage.

Check In

I haven't been posting as often lately, but I am still upright. I'm just still sick. Seriously, it's been weeks now. I'm a little pissy about it. I'm almost out of antibiotics and still this sickness holds on! So, that is a very large part in why my posting has slowed. I'm sick so I'm not doing much.

Other than that, I don't really have a lot going on. Recently I was given several bags of books. At last count I was given 127 books. At about $10 a book that's quite a lot of money I didn't have to spend. *dances*  I've already determined that when I move Cael is carrying them. *gets ass grabbing hand ready* It has also been determined that when I move I get to pick new kitchen toys! I've been lusting after kitchen toys for a long time. Now? NOW! I get to pick stuff out. Cael is awesome! He lusts after knives... I go for the rest of the kitchen stuff... together we are a very expensive trip to a kitchen center :D

 

I had an appointment with a dietitian a day or so ago. She managed to piss me off. Very condescending and harp - ish. Do not need, appreciate or want. She also wanted me to check in with her a lot. Basically... she would serve as a babysitter for my diet. I do not want that. If when Cael is feeling better, and has some more control of my diet and he wants me to do check ins with him... I would happily do it. But, to do it with somebody I don't know and who pisses me off to begin with? I don't think so. On top of the fact, she didn't really tell me much. Anything she said, I already knew. So, I am doing this on my own (With Caels help eventually, either when I move or when he's feeling better). I've started collecting recipes and ideas for meals. Different things that are healthy so I don't get bored.

Tomorrow I may go in and help my uncle and Lady Di move into their new apartment. By sunday... they will not be within walking distance. I'm a little sad. However, with my cold and asthma(cold makes it worse) if I go it will be just to help unpack boxes and put things away. They're on the third floor, with no elevator, ... with my breathing right now going up and down those stairs would be the end of me. Or, maybe I'll just stay home. Haven't made up my mind yet.

uuuUUGGHHHAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

I? Am having one of those days. One of those days where your mood just levels out and you dig yourself into a little niche of calm and quiet. It's days like today where I want to be up with Cael soooooo badly. Where I cannot wait to move, and wish I could be up with him now. I am in a "Curl up near Cael and be quiet" type mood. This mood sucks when you are missing the Cael part of the equation.

Soon.

(BTW, Hopes a bitch)

Teh Suck

I? Miss Cael. Seriously. He's been busy, been unable to talk, etc. on and off for the last while. When he's able to talk it's generally not long, and it really sucks. I'm starting to contemplating going and kidnapping him.

Consider this a heads up. *Looks around for large net*

Condom Adds.

I had a few giggles today. Here is why

 



 

 

Value

Just a few minutes ago I was talking to a friend of mine, who we can call Jack (we were having a conversation about Jack sparrow and he got pissy when I asked since he was putting braids in his beard if he'd also fight himself for a peanut...thus, Jack.). I knew him before I had settled into the submissive mindset, and I know him still now that I have. When I realized this it made me start to think about how I have changed. Jack and I attempted dating before B came along. It didn't work. The biggest reason is that he is very Christian and I am very much not. He attempted converting me several times, trying to tell me that I may change my mind... and I succeeded in pissing him off every time I told him where to stuff it. While that was probably the more significant reason, there were others.

When I was with A, I pushed and wanted him to lead. He wouldn't so we fought a lot. With B, he just lead, he was in control most of the time. Jack came right in between A and B. Before I started dating B, I knew I needed something else out of relationships... I just didn't know what it was. When Jack and I tried... I was still very much in the mindset of severe independence, disdain at the thought of being somebody who followed rules of another person, utter refusal to follow blindly. Jack, while not really dominant... is fairly traditional. He has the mindset that the man is the head of the house. The woman should be able to stay at home with kids and such. He also has the tendency to order women around... to get him a drink, to fetch whatever, or even dismiss them if they're irritating him. At the time, this drove me up the fucking wall. Now, they're a lot of the same things that I crave. I still refuse to follow blindly, but I follow. It makes me happy to go get a drink or whatever else. And while it may bug me to be dismissed or ignored if I'm bugging my dominant... I get it, I accept it. Now, almost 3 years from the person who fought rail against the very things I crave now.... I have trouble understanding that mindset. Unless I really work at it, I don't see where my issue came from other than out of fear,  and lack of understanding.  I definitely don't follow and submit to just anybody. In fact, I still have the same attitude with others... the essential "fuck it" attitude. I don't care what others think, or how they view what I say. I know some of what I say is absolutely ridiculous and insane.... but the looks don't bother me. The only person I have a submissive attitude towards is who I consider my dominant at the time. I've gotten better at holding my tongue with others, knowing when to speak and when to be quiet but I am still the person who says what she wants. If it's not a time I need to absolutely for sure censor myself...I tend to hear things for the first time with everybody else. While that happens with my dominant, if he doesn't like what I've said... it affects me. Others don't.  So, I suppose on some level I understand the thought process... but when it comes to the person I'm with... I don't anymore. It's not me anymore. There are still some traces of it left,and always will be because it's a part of me... they aren't big traces. They don't piss me off anymore. Just make me defiant at times.

While I liked that girl who fought everything, who didn't take anything from anybody including who she was dating...I don't miss her. She's still around... just directed at others. And to be honest, I'm a hell of a lot happier now. I'm more relaxed, more comfortable in this skin. Since I've melded more peacefully with my submissive side...the rest of me is better. I'm more likely to say something and not care what people think... and take it right down... really not caring about it, not just brushing it off. There is no twinge of regret when somebody gets offended, disagrees or is surprised by something I said. I think that comes from finding the other parts of me, knowing who I am and being comfortable with it. If somebody doesn't like something I've said or done.. it doesnt bother me, because I like me. I have friends who like me no matter how twisted, morbid, insane or ditzy I get. It's like a whole new comfort level, that the girl who fought everything including what she wanted never had.

 



 

Another thing that I've begun to notice and value is the people I keep close to me. When I get into moods... good or bad... there really are few that can deal with me. When it's a good mood, I get giddy and say things that most wouldn't. I get giggly and just get worse and worse if I have somebody to feed off of that has the same sense of humor. When I get together with Lady Di, we've been known to clear rooms with some of the jokes and things we say. With Sephi... we've made Karson tell us "And this is why you two can never meet in person."  With Cael... it depends on his mood but he usually just laughs at me or gives me something else to go off on, though he hasn't seen it at its height.

When it's a bad mood I pull back into myself and get more morbid than usual. I think the only person that has seen that is Cael, and at the time he wasn't as far into my head as he is now. But, I don't really worry about it. He tends to know how to deal with me.

However, I have come to value both for different reasons. I love that I can be myself, even if that person isn't always going to be viewed as sane. I have said it before, everybodys bubble is a little off-balance. Mine definitely is, Lady Di, Sephi and Cael, and even Chris have seen the insane thoughts and hilarity that come with it. Cael has seen the darker side, the angry side, even the side that I've shared with nobody else but him. It's fuckin dark over there... we prep with flashlights just so we don't get lost.  But each one lets me be myself. Each one knows me in their own way. I love that I can say something completely out of nowhere, that would make no sense to anybody... but they get it. At least, most of them do. (*Looks at Sephi* The Stick... guffaw woman!)

*ahem*

It was a little train!!

*Dances*
*Wiggles ass*

 

*Does the wave*

Follow up X2

After I received several emails asking about my last two posts, instead of answering each individually it made more sense to just do a follow up post. So here it is.

First, thank you for the concern. It really did help and make me feel better. However, as it stands right now, I am not dieing. Whats going on has some serious side effects, death being one of them... but right now it's not a concern. If things continue unchanged then it will be, but it's not right now. I do have an appointment next Wednesday to hopefully figure out how to change things. Until then.. I wait. I'm hoping to be able to talk to Cael and have help on this stuff, a base to go off of so to speak. No, I'm not ready to say what it is and explain everything. I may never be, at least on the blog. So, until Wednesday I wait and hope I get to work things out and get Caels help.

As far as the last post... I don't know why I attempted to keep it anonymous. As the five emails I got sent on this topic asked, and stated... it was about Cael. "After all, you've said he's the only one whose opinion matters." Hard to gloss over shit when you've made statements like that. No, it's not resolved. It wont be until he can talk to me, or if he's already able to talk to me... when he decides to talk to me. No, I'm not going to say what happened. He was sent an email that detailed it and he is really the only person that needs to know. Though I appreciate the comments of "You don't deserve to be punished" ... if that's what he decides to do, then I will be okay with. If not, I will be appreciative and will make sure I monitor better. As far as those wondering how I wasn't the only one at fault...it's not explainable without saying what happened and as I said... I don't want that. Needless to say I've been sitting here since last night, unable to sleep, worried about the outcome, hoping it's not severe enough to crush things. Some of you said not to worry, which I understand. But when it's somebody/something important...like I told Sephi, it's like being tied down to the train tracks waiting for the train to come run you over. It could be the huge train that will wipe you out and you'll never be the same... or it could be the little toy train that just smacks into you and makes you pause. Either way, you don't want to be there incase it's the big train. So, if you will...wish a little train on me :)

Breathe

It's 1 am and I cannot sleep. I can't even concentrate enough to read, watch a movie or stay still long enough to get tired. My mind is racing, and it's a scary fucking track.

A few hours ago I did something I really shouldn't have. It was a severe lapse of judgment. It was one of those moments where you see it happening, but it's not until it's over and past that you realize it shouldn't have happened. Your thoughts spilleth over before your brain and mouth have a chance to stop them.

I'm not sleeping because I wont know until tomorrow if the person it involves is mad at me or not. If he's not mad he's definitely going to be disappointed.  Unfortunate part is, I completely agree with it. I knew better, hell I KNOW better and yet things spilled out anyways. Am I completely at fault? No. But it's enough to make me worry and unable to sleep.  Especially since I don't know how deep this is going to strike with said person. I'm really hoping that it's not an unrepairable thing. Because honestly? That would definitely cripple me. I would understand anger. I would understand a punishment, even maybe agree with the need for one. I'm completely tied in knots that it may go further than that. What if this is the strike that causes this person to lose trust, to maybe even walk away? That is what has me up at 1 in the morning, what has my stomach tied in knots and tears burning at the back of my eyes.

Even if he's just disappointed or even angry about it... I can guarantee it wont be happening again. Everything I've said since then has been monitored several times before I actually say it. This person has a tendency to come pretty damn close to first with me. So what the hell was I thinking? I don't know. I still don't even hours later. I need to learn to monitor myself better. To act more like he expects maybe, so these things don't happen. What happened has opened my eyes a hell of a lot.I could have kept it to myself, not told the person.. but I couldn't do that. I can't lie to this person, even when I fuck up. I just can't do it.

Now, if you'll excuse me... I've managed to make myself feel bad enough that I've started to cry. I need to find something distracting. I've given up on sleep, but less knots would be good.

Introvert

Don't mind me.

Today I've been feeling very introverted, very quiet and hermit like. It started last night, just all of a sudden. It's odd. I know that part of it is the cold. But, another part is that I haven't talked to Cael in a bit. Last time this happened I was already scared and worried about him... this time I'm not getting that feeling, nothings telling me that I should be worried. So, while I'm not worried.. I do miss him and I think that's contributing to this mood.

I also haven't talked to Sephani today. We keep missing each other.... she even sent up the bat signal on facebook looking for "Boo Boo Kitty" Everything seems off today, it's just wonky.

Today, as I stated yesterday, I went into the doctors. I got my refills and some antibiotics for "The evil sickness."  Once that was done we started talking about some other concerns and thing that would happen down the road without fixing the concerning things. And to be honest? They're scary as hell. I'm worried about it, I need help with it but at the same time... there's nobody around that I would be comfortable letting help me and talking to about this. Except one, and he has gone MIA. Bastage needs a tracker, I'm tellin' ya.