Just a few minutes ago I was talking to a friend of mine, who we can call Jack (we were having a conversation about Jack sparrow and he got pissy when I asked since he was putting braids in his beard if he'd also fight himself for a peanut...thus, Jack.). I knew him before I had settled into the submissive mindset, and I know him still now that I have. When I realized this it made me start to think about how I have changed. Jack and I attempted dating before B came along. It didn't work. The biggest reason is that he is very Christian and I am very much not. He attempted converting me several times, trying to tell me that I may change my mind... and I succeeded in pissing him off every time I told him where to stuff it. While that was probably the more significant reason, there were others.
When I was with A, I pushed and wanted him to lead. He wouldn't so we fought a lot. With B, he just lead, he was in control most of the time. Jack came right in between A and B. Before I started dating B, I knew I needed something else out of relationships... I just didn't know what it was. When Jack and I tried... I was still very much in the mindset of severe independence, disdain at the thought of being somebody who followed rules of another person, utter refusal to follow blindly. Jack, while not really dominant... is fairly traditional. He has the mindset that the man is the head of the house. The woman should be able to stay at home with kids and such. He also has the tendency to order women around... to get him a drink, to fetch whatever, or even dismiss them if they're irritating him. At the time, this drove me up the fucking wall. Now, they're a lot of the same things that I crave. I still refuse to follow blindly, but I follow. It makes me happy to go get a drink or whatever else. And while it may bug me to be dismissed or ignored if I'm bugging my dominant... I get it, I accept it. Now, almost 3 years from the person who fought rail against the very things I crave now.... I have trouble understanding that mindset. Unless I really work at it, I don't see where my issue came from other than out of fear, and lack of understanding. I definitely don't follow and submit to just anybody. In fact, I still have the same attitude with others... the essential "fuck it" attitude. I don't care what others think, or how they view what I say. I know some of what I say is absolutely ridiculous and insane.... but the looks don't bother me. The only person I have a submissive attitude towards is who I consider my dominant at the time. I've gotten better at holding my tongue with others, knowing when to speak and when to be quiet but I am still the person who says what she wants. If it's not a time I need to absolutely for sure censor myself...I tend to hear things for the first time with everybody else. While that happens with my dominant, if he doesn't like what I've said... it affects me. Others don't. So, I suppose on some level I understand the thought process... but when it comes to the person I'm with... I don't anymore. It's not me anymore. There are still some traces of it left,and always will be because it's a part of me... they aren't big traces. They don't piss me off anymore. Just make me defiant at times.
While I liked that girl who fought everything, who didn't take anything from anybody including who she was dating...I don't miss her. She's still around... just directed at others. And to be honest, I'm a hell of a lot happier now. I'm more relaxed, more comfortable in this skin. Since I've melded more peacefully with my submissive side...the rest of me is better. I'm more likely to say something and not care what people think... and take it right down... really not caring about it, not just brushing it off. There is no twinge of regret when somebody gets offended, disagrees or is surprised by something I said. I think that comes from finding the other parts of me, knowing who I am and being comfortable with it. If somebody doesn't like something I've said or done.. it doesnt bother me, because I like me. I have friends who like me no matter how twisted, morbid, insane or ditzy I get. It's like a whole new comfort level, that the girl who fought everything including what she wanted never had.
Another thing that I've begun to notice and value is the people I keep close to me. When I get into moods... good or bad... there really are few that can deal with me. When it's a good mood, I get giddy and say things that most wouldn't. I get giggly and just get worse and worse if I have somebody to feed off of that has the same sense of humor. When I get together with Lady Di, we've been known to clear rooms with some of the jokes and things we say. With Sephi... we've made Karson tell us "And this is why you two can never meet in person." With Cael... it depends on his mood but he usually just laughs at me or gives me something else to go off on, though he hasn't seen it at its height.
When it's a bad mood I pull back into myself and get more morbid than usual. I think the only person that has seen that is Cael, and at the time he wasn't as far into my head as he is now. But, I don't really worry about it. He tends to know how to deal with me.
However, I have come to value both for different reasons. I love that I can be myself, even if that person isn't always going to be viewed as sane. I have said it before, everybodys bubble is a little off-balance. Mine definitely is, Lady Di, Sephi and Cael, and even Chris have seen the insane thoughts and hilarity that come with it. Cael has seen the darker side, the angry side, even the side that I've shared with nobody else but him. It's fuckin dark over there... we prep with flashlights just so we don't get lost. But each one lets me be myself. Each one knows me in their own way. I love that I can say something completely out of nowhere, that would make no sense to anybody... but they get it. At least, most of them do. (*Looks at Sephi* The Stick... guffaw woman!)