Wednesday, December 1, 2010


It's 1 am and I cannot sleep. I can't even concentrate enough to read, watch a movie or stay still long enough to get tired. My mind is racing, and it's a scary fucking track.

A few hours ago I did something I really shouldn't have. It was a severe lapse of judgment. It was one of those moments where you see it happening, but it's not until it's over and past that you realize it shouldn't have happened. Your thoughts spilleth over before your brain and mouth have a chance to stop them.

I'm not sleeping because I wont know until tomorrow if the person it involves is mad at me or not. If he's not mad he's definitely going to be disappointed.  Unfortunate part is, I completely agree with it. I knew better, hell I KNOW better and yet things spilled out anyways. Am I completely at fault? No. But it's enough to make me worry and unable to sleep.  Especially since I don't know how deep this is going to strike with said person. I'm really hoping that it's not an unrepairable thing. Because honestly? That would definitely cripple me. I would understand anger. I would understand a punishment, even maybe agree with the need for one. I'm completely tied in knots that it may go further than that. What if this is the strike that causes this person to lose trust, to maybe even walk away? That is what has me up at 1 in the morning, what has my stomach tied in knots and tears burning at the back of my eyes.

Even if he's just disappointed or even angry about it... I can guarantee it wont be happening again. Everything I've said since then has been monitored several times before I actually say it. This person has a tendency to come pretty damn close to first with me. So what the hell was I thinking? I don't know. I still don't even hours later. I need to learn to monitor myself better. To act more like he expects maybe, so these things don't happen. What happened has opened my eyes a hell of a lot.I could have kept it to myself, not told the person.. but I couldn't do that. I can't lie to this person, even when I fuck up. I just can't do it.

Now, if you'll excuse me... I've managed to make myself feel bad enough that I've started to cry. I need to find something distracting. I've given up on sleep, but less knots would be good.

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