Thursday, June 30, 2011


Okay. I am absolutely exhausted. As in, feel sick I'm so tired type of exhausted. So today? This is the post. I? Am sending you to go read a story.

Enjoy your morbid fairytale! I'm off to have supper and go to bed probably by 7.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Freedom ; Just Another Word For Missing You

Cael and I talked last night, and he asked for a bit of space. Not a "We're finished" kind of space, but a "Little less contact for a bit, less cling" kind of space. There's a lot going on with him right now and he knows he can take a bit of a step back from me and I wont be going anywhere. He can't do that with the other stuff going on. It's not a huge deal really, just a little most space between us talking and less pestering from me is what he wants. Of course, he and I have talked everyday (aside from days when one of us has been gone all day or away) so it's a huge adjustment for me. I've never had a relationship where I didn't talk to the person everyday, he has. He's a lot more accustomed to the space than I am, but personal reasons have made space necessary for the time being. In person when this happens I'm not sure what I'll do. Read, stay in a different room for the most part. I don't know. It should be interesting. But definitely doable for him :) Yes, I am a suck up sometimes. (does anybody else hear that masculine laughter? No? In my head again? Damn worm)

The thing is, when he gets in these states, he changes. He picks at things he normally wouldn't. He forgets things, that would at times help. And sometimes? I don't see it right away. I know something is off but I can't pinpoint what it is. So, when we went over 30 hours without speaking I had a bit of a freak out. If I know what's going on, if I know his issues are flaring up I don't freak out. I rationalize it and understand it. But, when I assumed the issue was gone and didn't know what was going on? That? Is when I flip shit. Long silences, with no explanation especially with the rough patches we've had lately will freak me out every time. And he knows this, but when this happens it's totally understandable that informing me isn't his first thought. At the time I didn't know that though. Essentially it was a bit of a mess.

All of that to say "I've been thinking." Last night before Cael and I spoke, I was talking to Sephi and she was telling me that it's okay to be mad. She thought I should be, because she would be. I wasn't. I was scared. I was worried about him, us. Over the last few months since Cael and I have been going through this rough spot I've talked to several other subs or slaves and none of them share my view point. None of them understand where I'm coming from. Neither do I. Not entirely.

I've known for a while that I don't fit into the sub category. Nor the slave category. I fit into the "cunt" category quite nicely. I missed the line for the brain to mouth filter. I don't respond kindly to authority or sadism, yet I crave it...although slightly ungraciously. "I know where you live mah fuggah" is apparently not a generally accepted response to either. Kaya wrote a post that sums it up nicely.

However after all day of sitting and thinking I've come to the conclusion that part of it for me is an animalistic thing. I am very selective about who gets the submissive side of me. Cael is the only one that gets it. He is the only person that has ever proved himself worthy of it. To him in some ways I respond like prey. Not easy prey, but prey. Sometimes the cat just watch the mouse dodging in and out, teasing him. Other times he attacks the mouse. I need that. I need to know that if I step out of line, raise my ass too high he will take it out and force me back into  my place. Back into pack hierarchy. Sometimes I test him, not always intentionally, but he never loses. Ever. He ALWAYS fights harder than I do, takes a bigger bite out of me than I do out of him.

A part of me responds to that predatory instinct in him. And believe me, he does have one. He stalked me, and conquered me without me knowing it the first time. I am not a slave fire burning in my belly type of person. I need somebody to be worthy, to conquer me, to hunt me and win the fight. Because part of me? Part of me wouldn't respect and be able to follow him if he just let me conquer him. The other part of me though, hates like fuck to lose. However, all of me recognizes that I need to lose, I need to be the prey with him. It's just what's right. I've had dreams lately of talking to my spirit animal. A wolf, ironically. And it's always told me that I'm supposed to follow Cael, that's where I belong. Lately though, I've been offering my throat to him in dreams, and having random thoughts of it throughout the day. It's a submissive gesture to a dominant. You do not offer your throat to somebody you think will tear it out.

In some way it's almost a relationship between two dominants, two impossible, hard, complicated people in one relationship. There are varying levels of dominance and to him, I submit. I am submissive. In general I am not at all. But he is always more dominant than I am. In fact, I have no dominance with him. But I put up a good fight. I fight and push and claw and bite and he WILL STILL win. I love that he can beat the shit out of me mentally, emotionally and physically. No matter how I try to fight he doesn't declaw me. That he keeps that wild cuntness that's there. He can over power me while I swear and fight and I love it. He keeps me in check, keeps me grounded. He's what rules me in a lot of ways.

I don't know where I'm going with this anymore. Somewhere along the way I stopped thinking and just started typing.

Monday, June 27, 2011


I don't really know what to say today. Cael and I had a misunderstanding yesterday, we're still in that rough spot from before but as long as we both keep moving forward I think we'll be okay. I have learned though that we definitely function better together when the dynamic is more prominent. In time.

Other than that I'm about a pound away from having lost the first 20. My first goal. It's exciting, and nice that my clothes are fitting differently. But, I still haven't noticed a huge change. *shrugs*

I have toys on their way for me to review. And there's a postal strike. Worst. Timing. Evar. 

Saturday, June 25, 2011


As you know I've been on an orgasm avoidance binge. Still am actually. But, every now and then I log into my account on EF and go searching. I even placed an order a bit ago and it arrived a day early.

No toys of course, but toys aren't all EF sells. I opened my little brown box and found a Jimmyjane Afterglow candle. It's the gingersnap scent which smells amazing, thought I am eying the black current scent next.

I also got a "Romantic Candle" which is a loose wax candle. I also got some Shunga massage oils  I have the orange and apple of those, the apple doesn't seem to have much scent but the orange smells amazing.   I use the oils like lotion most of the time. Just a tiny little bit will do my entire body and I'm really soft and smell great afterwards. I've found that I like the Shunga oil better than the KamaSutra brand. The really herbal like scents give me a headache. But the Shunga oils do not. They're also great for baths. I'm a little sad I didn't figure this out in winter, I generally don't take baths in summer.

So, even if sex toys aren't your thing there are plenty of other "toys" for you at EdenFantasys!

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store

Friday, June 24, 2011


Well, I have a post due. Other than burying myself in school work nothing else is really going on.

I realized yesterday that I haven't seem Chris in over a year. I haven't talked to him in months. And as of this morning I now know for sure that he didn't move back to the nearby city. Nope. He is exactly 20 minutes from me and I haven't seen him in a year. He's not answering texts or messages anywhere. To be honest, this isn't even the first time. It's nothing for him to disappear for weeks on end. Sometimes months though it's rare. Every time it happens do you know the cause? A girl. Every time he gets a girlfriend he completely drops me. Chances are he drops a lot of people. This time? It's pissing me off. He's not 16 anymore he should be able to maintain more than one relationship at a time.  Especially with how close he said we were. It sucks. A lot. Other than Cael and Sephi he is the only person I actually talk to. He's the only one close enough to actually spend time with on a regular basis. I've known him since we were both 5 years old. So, will I let him back in whenever he reappears? Probably. But it's not going to be the same. It can't be. I'm tired of it. Tired of being dropped over girls that treat him like shit. Tired of being ignored. Tired of him in general right now.

I spent all day yesterday typing. And probably will today. My adviser is supposed to send me a grad plan to get the last 3 things I need today so I may go in to get books. Other than that though? Typing. School work, and Cael time is my plan today.

Why Cael time? Because I miss him and am soaking up as much of him as I can lately. For months now it's been one thing after another. When he was sick he wasn't himself at all, then he was busy with school, then he was traveling, then he had friends out, then he had a surgery, then he got back to himself for a bit and we had (what shall now be forever known as )the Great Implosion and he was mad for a long time, then disappointed. He's still not back to normal with me but we're moving forward. Then he had some issues with his bank and his car got broken into. Then there were some personal things that kept him away for a bit and now next weekend he's helping friends move and will be gone all weekend. That's not even counting all the school work and everything I'm wrapped up in. I? Miss that man.

With all the typing I've been doing lately I've had a lot of time to just think. Mindless typing lends itself to that. Just as my brain tends to lend itself to Cael. I realized just how lucky I am to have him. I realized that he is amazing to me and pretty damn perfect in his own way at least for me. I also realized that on some level we needed the Great Implosion to show me that this is different. I've had relationships seem awesome at first then just fall apart because the guy wasn't what he claimed to be. I think in some part of my mind I was waiting for that to happen with Cael, even if  I didn't know it. I knew in the front part of my mind that he was different, that he never lies and will always be the same man with me, always be my owner. But the back part of my mind waited. And yes, he faltered a time or two and I am still getting over one of those falters, as he's getting over one of mine. Now? That doubting, scared part of my mind isn't even there anymore. I think it was waiting. Waiting for him to prove what he says. Waiting for me to feel worth all the effort he puts in and things he says to me. He's changed the way I think in general, and he's changed the way I think about myself. Yeah I still have issues but they aren't as big as before. He's a lot deeper in my head this time around.

Last time I was open with him but I still hid. I haven't been hiding. At all. I stumble, I tell him right away. I'm at the point where I don't understand why I didn't before. I don't understand why I hid from him. He is the last person in the world that I need to hide from. Right now I don't have rules, but I'm following the old ones because I don't know how not to really. This mindset isn't the same as the last one I had. This one doesn't know how to function without the rules. I'm not sure where this mindset comes from other then finally getting it. Finally understanding my place, what I should be doing, how he wants me to function. So right now when I tell him I'm stumbling he just accepts it. He doesn't direct or lead much right now. And sometimes that drives me up the wall, I want to stomp and cry and beg for him to take control back and tell him it's changed, the punishment worked. Then I remember that it's my fault that we are where we are. That I need to be patient and wait for him to get back to that place we were before, wait for him to trust me again. And I even back out, I realize that the break is a good thing for both of us. It'll get us over those missteps we've both made, and make this mindset for me more stable.

Cael so important to me, it's what makes him the center of my world and makes me luff him. Because there is not one single person in the world that I want to be with more.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Well, Here I Am

Clearly, I've had to move. I loved wordpress, but it marked my blog as purely a marketing blog for some reason and cancelled out all my links. When that happens it's generally not long before they shut the blog down and losing almost two years of my life would have been heartbreaking. So, I moved my blog. And by "I" I mean Sephi figured out how to move it. I luff her.

Now, because I have more work to do, because I have a blog post due soon and don't want to use all the thoughts I have now and because I am exhausted. Today, you get an explanation :)

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Once Again

I got nothin. I'm still fried, but thankfully I get to slow down a tiny bit come tomorrow. Then maybe in a week I'll actually have something to say when everything calms down.

Saturday, June 18, 2011


I am so fucking fried today I can't even remember if I showered. So, I'll be doing that (possibly again) soon.

I'm so over whelmed with everything from school, personal things, and pms my chicken wouldn't cook right last night and I ended up in tears. Over burnt chicken. Of all the shit going on THATS what put me over the edge.

I ended up in tears and crawling to Cael. I luff that man so much. He doesn't even get phased by my moments. He just awe's me and lets me curl up to him for a while until the sky quits falling. He is the most amazing master man evah. I miss him. He's busy this weekend. And next weekend. And works all week and is usually tired as hell when he gets home so he's quiet. It's going to be interesting.

And that? Is all I have today. I'm off to do some more work. Great.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Because.. fucking fits.


So, I got caught up in school work and totally forgot I had a post due. such I have nothing really. Though I did get asked a question yesterday so thank fuck for that.
Ever since things with Cael restarted you haven't been sharing as much. How come?

I went back and realized that indeed this person is right. I haven't been. Most of that is because I became reliant on this place to say things to him that I found hard. Which, it still is and will be I'm sure even in person. It's somewhere I can expand on things I've told him or tell him things that are hard for me to say right in person. But. It shouldn't be the only source of communication for issues. Which it was becoming. Instead of telling him I screwed up or was slipping... I blogged about it. I got it out and he would know. But it doesn't work like that. I need to tell him. I need to be able to do that. There's no reason I shouldn't. And if I think I have a reason... it's a made up, shoved my head up my ass, not real reason. So, I've dialed it back here so I get in the habit of telling him. Which I've been doing okay with. There are still times where his life gets hectic and stressful and you couldn't pay me enough to add to that. When that happens I add it to my nightly emails. He still gets it, he just deals with it in his own time and doesn't have it added to an already overflowing plate which means he doesn't get mad at me for saying it, or for not saying it. Happy medium. Why doesn't that work here? Because sometimes he misses a post, or just skims it, or finds another point he thinks is more important and misses the others. Or sometimes? He doesn't read them. Which is fine, but that means he doesn't get the confessions I put in them. He reads the emails, even if it is sometime later.

I'm huge fuck up proofing my world. I don't ever want to be here again. It's been a few weeks but it's still a scary place. Especially with all the shitty and unfortunate and frustrating things happening in our lives at the moment. It changes how we react, and our moods. So we have to work through that to get back to what's normal for us and then move forward. I'm definitely still a little insecure, but right now... that's just one more thing for him to deal with. One more thing for me to deal with. We're both already swamped. So, that's gone into the emails and will be dealt with when the sky is done falling.

Also known as "could not pay me enough" :D

Sunday, June 12, 2011


I finally slept last night. Well, I've been sleeping but it hasn't been a good sleep. I've tossed and turned, and woken every half hour for a couple weeks now. Ever since I screwed up and made him mad I haven't really been sleeping.

Yesterday Cael and I finally got to talk... like normal. Or, more normal anyways. About nothing really important, just random things. He teased me. He hasn't done that in months between stress and the surgery. I didn't fully realize how much of us had paused while he got better. I think I shut it out to function and not break down, that was the last thing he needed was an uncunted slub. It was like a floaty happy high for me. I've missed him. Us. I'm starting to feel more at home again, safe. We talk and I finally sleep through the night. Funny how that works :)

I was asked for a diet update so here it is : *huffs*   Did you get it?  I've been exercising everyday. An hour on weekdays and a half an hour on weekends. I haven't missed a day yet, reduced times due to other things but not completely missed a day. I was doing great, I was four pounds from losing another ten and sending updates pictures. Then it shot back up by about 3 pounds. Irritating to say the least. This is generally where I stay stuck for a week or two and then get frustrated and stop. Not an option this time. I also made sure I told Cael when I struggled with the exercise. He's not keeping track or controlling it right now, but I'm still doing my best to follow what he would want. Even if he does remain silent on the subject. :)

My basil is growing. And awesome. I love it. I also have a few sprigs of parsley FINALLY coming up.... but due to roots I have basil in my almost impossible to grow parsley. I'll let it go to see what happens but I have the feeling I'll be buying parsley plants. My make me smile flowers are doing good... I think. They're tall and all green...nothing flowery yet but they're growing. I'm taking that as a win. I'm contemplating maybe planting carrots or something easy. Something to do.

I've been thinking lately. About this "lifestyle." There are a lot of parties, and clubs and so on. If Cael decides he wants to participate in stuff like that then I'll obviously be going to...yet, I'm totally okay not going. I'm quite content to just function and live within our dynamic. It's normal to me at this point. The dynamic is always present, so I guess I don't feel the need to go to every event. I don't need the BDSM themed parties, play sessions or clubs because it's there everyday for me. I totally get why people go, and maybe I'll change my mind a year, month, week or hour from now. Maybe I'm just relishing the dynamic a bit right now. Who knows.

I think that's it for today. It's just been calm, so I don't have a lot to say. And gods am I thankful for that.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Review - Love Essentials Kit - for those of you who don't know is an internet based store that carries a variety of sex toys . Recently they were nice enough to send me a product to review. What did they send me?

The Love Essentials Kit . Now, anybody who knows me, already know that I have a thing for body products. I love them. So this kit had me standing at the post office waiting not so patiently for the truck to come in.

First of all it's from Kama Sutra. I am absolutely in love with this brand. Everything is high quality, and gorgeously packed. The Love Essentials Kit comes in a very sturdy multi-tone green box with what looks to me like a pink lotus on the top of the box. It has the words "Kama Sutra Love Essentials" written in larger print across the flower and "Be prepared for romance with these lovemaking essentials" in smaller print below it. So to me, I could leave this box out and not worry about people seeing it. However it is not the most discreet thing, so if you have children or people poking around your room this is something you may want to put away if people knowing that you have this type of thing bothers you. If you're like me though, it's decorative enough that I'm quite happy leaving it on my dresser. Really, in the large scheme of things, this is not a sex toy so leaving it out really is not a big deal. Especially if it blends into other things in your bedroom.

Upon opening the box there is a cardboard insert keeping everything packed tightly in the box.  All the items are sitting in a nest of brown, shredded, cardboard-esque paper that has been crinkled up. This doesn't sound appealing but it actually looks really nice put all together.  Instantly after opening the box up you smell the Honey Dust. The entire box smells of it and the scent is strong enough that the scent lingers in the area the box is placed. Which to me is not a big deal, it's not an over powering or unpleasant scent.

Inside the box there is a small glass vial of The Original Oil Of Love, a feather duster, a black drawstring bag with a plastic bag of honey dust inside, and a small tube of lube.

The Original Oil Of Love comes in a small glass bottle weighing in at .75 fl oz. It is not a flip cap, the cap on this bottle screws off. So upon tipping the bottle a lot of the oil can come out if you aren't careful. I used this bottle 3 or 4 times and got about a 10 minute massage each time. I however did not do the entire body. A leg, a foot, a thigh. I do not believe that this bottle is big enough to do an entire body, if it is it will be a short massage. This oil is a warming oil, meaning once you massage it into the skin and blow on it the body part you blew on grows warm. It's not a minty, burning warmth. It's a smooth warmth that gradually warms up but for me it wasn't a largely noticeable thing. Not anymore than the warmth and friction created by a massage.

As well as being a warming oil it is also flavored. It has hints of chocolate and cinnamon, but the strongest I found was the vanilla. Which isn't a bad thing, but it's not high up on my list either. The great thing about this though is it has no aftertaste at all unlike a lot of other flavored products.

This oil contains glycerin, propylene glycol, water, sucrose, sodium saccharine, fragrance, cinnamomum, cassia leaf oil, benzyl alcohol, yellow 5, blue 1 and red 40.

These ingredients mean that though this is a massage oil it is not moisturizing. At least it wasn't on me. This IS a massage oil, it doesn't work as a bath oil, or moisturizer. Since this contains glycerin as well as sugar although it is flavored it should not be used on, in or around genitals. Glycerine and sugar can cause infections. It can however be used to tease, nipples, thighs... anywhere else is safe. Another issue with this is... I cannot use this oil on my partner. Because of these two ingredients it will mat, tangle and pull hair. My partner is rather fuzzy so it will pull on his body hair as I use it and that is not relaxing to him, like a massage should be. If you or your partner don't have much body hair and don't plan to use it as a lube or flavor aid in that area then you will probably love this oil. For me, because I can't use it on my partner or as a moisturizer it's not something I'd end up buying.

The lube included is the Love Liquid, by of course Kama Sutra. This lube comes in a brown/bronze vaguely purple squeeze bottle with a black pop-top lid. Which means it's basically leak proof as long as that seal is good.

The ingredients for this lube are : Water, glycerin, propylene glycol, hydroxyethylcellulose, tetrasodium EDTA, citric acid and sodium benzoate.  .... which basically translates this is a water based lube. So it is safe to use on any toy you have.

Now, I've written several posts where I have mentioned how much I loathe lube. Most of the time I can stay wetter without it. It dries me out.  So, when I opened the box and saw the lube I didn't think much. I had no expectations of it other than knowing I'd have to find some way to empty it out so it didn't explode in the garbage when I tossed it. It was the last thing I tried out of this kit because I didn't want to try it. Then I did. And I was wrong.

This is absolutely the ONLY lube I have ever used that has worked for me. I stayed lubricated, I didn't have to reapply, I didn't need a bunch of it to make it slick enough to work. It's not scented, it's not flavored, it's not colored. It's just a normal lube. The only issue I found with it is that it got tacky as soon as I was finished. Anywhere the lube touched was slightly sticky. Which, because this is the only lube that has worked for me, I can over look. It's not a big deal for me to wash or shower after. If you're the type of person that has sex or climaxes then just goes to sleep... I don't know how well it would work. I wouldn't recommend it. I don't know if it'll dry, absorb into the skin or just get stickier and attach your sheets to your crotch like some sort of failed cape-ing attempt.  To me, this doesn't get as sticky as flavored lubes that contain sugar, so if you've used those without a problem then this will be fine.

And lastly we have the Sweet Honeysuckle Honey Dust with a feather applicator.

The dust contains : corn starch modified, glucose, zea mays (corn) starch, honey, silica honey extract, sodium saccharine, fragrance, sodium benzoate, amyl cinnamal, benzyl alcohol, eugenol, hydroxy ctitronellol, benzyl salicylate, geraniol, linalool, cintronellol, benzyl benzoate.

To store this you should leave the powder in its original plastic bag that you can then sit inside the black pouch. Due to varies cat attacks of the bag I finally had to just dump it into the pouch. It now resides in the box. If I want to use the powder I pick up the box, not the bag. What happens is the pouch becomes like a powder puff.  The powder is very very fine, around the consistency of powdered sugar. It is called a dust for a reason. When you open the pouch, or even the plastic bag you will get a poof of the dust. Especially if you have a window open or a fan on. It gets everywhere if you aren't paying attention. My partner isn't really into flavored products. So, this powder is purely for me whether I use it on him or myself.

You should not order this assuming this will smell like, because it doesn't at all. It smells exactly like a honeysuckle flower. Which, does give it a vague flowery taste but it's not overwhelming. It mixes well with the honey so it doesn't even seem out of the ordinary. The scent of this product is very soft, it's not overpowering. You could apply it and the only way somebody would be able to smell is it to have their nose almost touching your skin. So for that purpose its a very intimate product. Which is a win win for me. If I can get him closer to me I'm happy.

When applying this product you have to make sure there is little to no air drafts in the room you're in. When you dip the feathers into the powder it will blow the powder off the applicator before you even get to your body. It's that fine. The best way to use it is in a thin dusting. The thicker it is the more of the corn starch you can taste. If it's just a light dusting then you just get the flavor and scent as intended. I've found the honey dust works great right after a bath, it makes you soft and smell nice, even if you're the only one that can smell it. It also works as a body powder. Under breasts especially in summer time, it gets warm and if you have enough chest you do sweat. It works on any other area that sweats too. This is great for that, it helps keep everything dry. It's not a clinical or cloying flowery, or even baby powder scent that most powders sold for this generally are. Even though it contains honey it doesn't get sticky at all. Even if you sweat, or get sprayed by water, or have a drink spilled on  you (unless the drink contains sugar) it will stay smooth and unnoticeable. It didn't even get sticky when it was licked or kissed. I love this powder.

The feather applicator for exactly that. It's an applicator. If you or your partner enjoy the teasing touch than it can be incorporated into foreplay and make the application of the dust much more erotic. For me, the feather doesn't do much. It's very gentle and soft and it just isn't something I flip over. It does however apply the dust really effortlessly. I do find though, that because the bag is so small that the powder sits in it's easier to  hold the feathers half way down the stems and dip it in the powder that way. If the bag was bigger it would work fine, but since it's not the biggest bag it just makes a mess unless you're very careful. And honestly? I don't know anybody that's going to remember to be careful with the dust when they're playing with their partner.

For me? This box was great. All of the products worked well together, and even smelled really good together. I liked almost everything included and do intend to order more of them. I didn't love the massage oil, but it taught me that. And it did it without me spending money I can't get back on a large bottle of the oil that would just sit in my drawer and go bad. Kits are generally meant for getaways and surprise nights, even though they last much longer than that. I've had my kit for a couple of weeks now and I've been using it quite a bit and I still have over half of everything almost. Gift Sets & Kits are also really good for introducing you to products in small doses so you know if it will be worth it to buy the larger individual products. I will definitely be getting more honey dust and another thing of lube when these are empty.

Thank you to for letting me review this kit. I'd also like to tell everybody on twitter to go follow this company. They post about different articles, products and contests. It's so worth it, who doesn't like contests?!

That Time Again

Okay Pervs and Pervettes, it's time again to immerse ourselves in EdenFantasys. So far we've looked at some awesome toys, great sales and the amazing people who work there. What's left you ask? Oh, quite a bit.

Did you know that EF has clubs? Quite a few too. My favorites though? The Eden Lives Healthy Club, Eden Cooks, and (my most favorite a shock I'm sure) Eden Kink. Each club holds a meeting about once a month. All you have to do to be included is show up! I can be pretty shy, but going to the meetings is something I've come to really enjoy. I always do my best to make the meetings and talk to everyone. I especially love the Kink club, last month it was a workshop for making a homemade flogger. This month we're talking about misconceptions in the lifestyle. Who in this lifestyle hasn't encountered those?!

Of course there are other clubs, and if you just want to participate but not make the projects that show up now and then? Well, EdenFantasys is a sex toy shop. Buy a flogger! You can never have enough, right?!

As an added bonus today I'm sharing something that has intrigued me for a couple of months now. A Y Clamp set. Somebody I know needs to get this so I can see just how badly I actually want one. So, if you luff me (or if I manage to throw you under the bus and your owner makes you) go buy a Y clamp and report back!

Eden Clubs and Events - Community Clubs, Events and Workshops from EdenFantasys

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Loss Of Words

I don't really have much to say today. I made my self searching post yesterday :) Not well received by all but I expected it.

Cael and I are doing alright. Still taking baby steps. But, we are talking more like we used to. It's not completely back to normal yet but we're getting there. Getting to where we should be. And that? Is why I am fine with people walking away from me right now. If they can't support that he and I need to be the focus so we can repair ourselves ... then they clearly weren't that great of friends to begin with. Good friends, close friends know that a relationship comes first. It just does. A lot of this process has shown me things I didn't see. Both with Cael and I and with my friends. Most of which will not continue being so at this rate. Part of me is sad, but one-sided only okay if it's for the benefit friendships have no interest to me.

On a lighter note I talked to Cael about tattoos last night. I've always wanted one but am waiting until I lose weight. I have a drawing I've done that I'd like put on me somewhere and he said tattoos are okay. So I'm on a bit of a happy.

I've been coming to him with everything like I should have been always doing. And it's...easy. It was before but some things were harder, now I don't even pause. It hasn't been long since he took my rules away.. and yet.. already I've made progress. I think maybe it was always there, just stuck. I know part of it is drawing away from everybody else and into him. Already I have trouble understanding that mind-set I was in before and it's not far removed. Maybe I've just embraced it? Or maybe it's that I have pulled into him more, I have no doubt or fear anymore. Him with other girls doesn't scare me this time around, where as before it always did in a way. I'm sure I'll be bothered when I know it's happening but... my mindset has changed I guess. It's more centered on him than it ever has been. This time we're starting over with him already as my center... it's stronger, more solid. He has an even bigger hold on me and I don't even have rules right now. Maybe I just seen what I stood to lose and it threw every fear, doubt or hesitation I had away. Few that they were anyways. I don't know. But I'm embracing it. Following it. Hoping it flourishes.

Sometimes you have to burn the ground before anything will grow.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011


Yes, an extra post. Mostly because I'm sitting here with nothing to do for the moment.

First, the Q&A

"You haven't mentioned new toys in a while. Have you gotten any?"

Well, I got a butt plug a bit ago that I have not managed to make work yet. So far not a fan. I also got a UR3 toy a couple of weeks ago that is still sitting in its packaging unopened. When Cael took away my orgasms I stopped playing (obviously) and now I have no drive to. Not because he took it away when he punished me, but with everything else going on... orgasming and ordering toys just aren't up there on the list right now. That particular punishment ended Sunday and I still haven't played. Self imposed punishment or just a physical reaction to everything... I'm not sure yet.

And now, the PSA.

I've had some time to think in the last little bit. Try to figure out how we got here, how I managed to mess things up this badly. Part of it finally hit me yesterday. While I am totally to blame and not trying to push that blame anywhere else... I was so not alone in getting where I am. I've also noticed a disturbing trend within some of my family and IRL friends telling me I should worry about myself. To find somebody here. To make myself happy. And various other things. While yes, they seen that I was upset and from tiny snippets that I've given them they've tried to help. Here's the thing.. He's everything. He makes me happy. I don't care about the distance, it'll be erased eventually. I can't just worry about me because I am so entwined in him and I wouldn't change that for the world.

Here's whats gonna happen.. I am taking a step back. From everybody, there is not a single person I am not including in this other than Cael. He's given me the right to make decisions right now.. and I am. I am deciding that I am done dealing with people telling me various things about what I should be doing concerning him. Family included. Well meaning or not, telling me this is out of hand or that its uncalled for and all the other "helpful" statements aren't happening anymore. Because I'm done holding my tongue. Yeah, some of them just want to make me feel better but it doesn't, because Cael DOES come first, so every time something like that is said it's like a blow to me too. I also know some of my family is going through a lot right now and that's being pushed on me and applied to what's happening with Cael and I. It's not the same. You can't force me to be independent and never rely on and listen to a man when I'm in this kind of dynamic. I'm sorry your marriage isn't working.. but it doesn't apply to me. On top of the fact this is all coming from a vanilla perspective... that perspective does not work with us. People pester me and bug me and phone me until I give them some explanation of whats wrong and then they turn it on me, well I'm done. Chances are good you're going to be told to back the fuck off. I'm at the point where I'm either going to start telling people nothing, or telling them everything dynamic and lifestyle included.  The ridiculous part is with my family, while right now they are bugging me about things pertaining to Cael... when this blows over they'll find something else. Be back on my weight, or my writing, or the fact that I like to stay home instead of go out to bars every night.  This one? Is just bugging me more because of who it involves, especially when they know nothing.

As far as people I talk to on the computer or text or whatever form of communication we use... you are included too. All the advice, and talks and help.. I KNOW some of that is what got my head up my ass. Some of you have been in this lifestyle longer that either Cael or I have been alive. So, I trusted what I was told, I heard it so many times that I thought "Okay, that makes sense" ... and then Cael would get mad. This last time was a huge one. And I'm done making mistakes. So, I'm taking a step back there as well. We can still talk, we can even give advice like we always have... but until I bring it to Cael I'm disregarding most of it. Possibly all of it. I've already talked to a few of you about my current punishment and things that have happened in the last bit and I've realized something. The further I am from most of my influences, the closer I am to Cael.. the less sense most of what I'm being told makes. When he was sick I definitely huddled around a couple of you.. and while I thank you for that... listening to advice given there has gotten me in trouble a lot. I'm not letting anybody come between Cael and I anymore. It's not worth it. I totally get that for most of you (if it is you I'm talking about, not everybody is included in this, it's just easier to step back from all for now) it wasn't intentional. You didn't give advice with the purpose of making him mad, or putting us down or whatever happened. Some of you did. And I know that. I can see it and always have. There are quite a few people I used to talk to quite a bit that I barely talk to anymore, and not because I'm not on here a lot(though that is the reason for some of you) but because they continually tried to get me to walk away from Cael. Funny thing is... most of them are guys. Wonder why huh?

So, I'm not mad... it's not your fault. It's mine for getting sucked into things even if I didn't see them at the time. The advice I received probably worked for you, but it didn't and doesn't for Cael and I and I need to make an effort to separate that. I need to focus more on us. And right now? Fixing Cael and I is all that matters.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Time Again

To post.

Nothing much to say today. Cael and I are restarting. Going back to the way things were before I got my rules. Which means, I currently have none. Little bit of a spinning top. He said I could continue to follow my previous ones but that he wasn't going to enforce them. Which is what I have been doing and plan to do until I either get new rules, he tells me not to or it doesn't work anymore. For as much as I messed up... not having the rules has made me realize just how much I need them. And just how far up my ass my head had gotten.And I think part of me sees this as having a way to prove myself again... as screwy as that sounds.

So, we restart. We rebuild and try to get back to where we were. And it's scary. So unbelievably scary that I can't even explain. But Cael says we'll work through it, that we'll be fine. I'm trusting that, trusting him. Following him a step a time trusting it will lead to somewhere good. If it doesn't hopefully we reset the pieces and try again. I've said it before and I'll say it again... I'm not giving up. He's not getting rid of me. But for now, baby steps.


Friday, June 3, 2011

Twisty Turny Round & Round

I got asked the other day why I blog, why I put so much time and effort into something that most people in my life don't have access to.

The truth is I do it for two reasons.

I do it for myself. I like having somewhere I can write and empty my head. Somewhere I can figure out what's going on with me. If I write it out most of the time I can understand it and figure out why it's happening. This place gives me somewhere I can say whatever I want, where I don't have to hide.

The second reason is, of course, Cael. He is generally always a reason for me to do something. Writing exactly what's going on in my head lets him further into it. Lets him see parts of me that I have trouble showing directly sometimes. I also write about issues I'm having here, sometimes they're a cry for help, other times I've already told him and am just adding to it.

Essentially, I blog because it helps.

My second post for Eden Cafe has been put up.

In other news...Things are still upside down. Cael isn't mad at me but he's disappointed, and I have a lot of make up to do to earn his trust back. Until then he's very quiet. A little closed off. And it hurts, but I brought it on myself. And I'll work to get back to where we were.  On Sunday my current punishment ends and my new one begins. Normally I dread it, or hope he forgets. This time? I absolutely 100% deserve it. Maybe I needed this in some twisted way. I needed him to get mad to know he was serious, orgasm denial, spankings., etc..they're all set up as punishments. But, some part of you always looks forward to it. Some part of you is deeply contented because of the dominance over you. This kind of punishment? it doesn't have that. It's a REAL punishment... there is no contentment or longing for it. You accept it because you deserve it...even if it is orgasm denial .. it's not in the same league as it usually is. I do long to get back to where we were though. That place was safe, and secure and comfortable. This place is scary. It's uncertain. I don't want to come back here. Ever. It's like every little glitch...every time he doesn't do something he used to.... it worries me... hell, borderline scare me. And I know I have probably months of this ahead of me to get it fixed. This is not a place I'm coming back to. Whether it's about me, or something I have been told about others he WILL know. Fair warning.

Because my choices, my brain, my thoughts, my actions... they aren't just mine anymore. They haven't been for a long time. And I think I finally get that. Accept it.  Long for it back.


And now? I am off to exercise.