Friday, June 3, 2011

Twisty Turny Round & Round

I got asked the other day why I blog, why I put so much time and effort into something that most people in my life don't have access to.

The truth is I do it for two reasons.

I do it for myself. I like having somewhere I can write and empty my head. Somewhere I can figure out what's going on with me. If I write it out most of the time I can understand it and figure out why it's happening. This place gives me somewhere I can say whatever I want, where I don't have to hide.

The second reason is, of course, Cael. He is generally always a reason for me to do something. Writing exactly what's going on in my head lets him further into it. Lets him see parts of me that I have trouble showing directly sometimes. I also write about issues I'm having here, sometimes they're a cry for help, other times I've already told him and am just adding to it.

Essentially, I blog because it helps.

My second post for Eden Cafe has been put up.

In other news...Things are still upside down. Cael isn't mad at me but he's disappointed, and I have a lot of make up to do to earn his trust back. Until then he's very quiet. A little closed off. And it hurts, but I brought it on myself. And I'll work to get back to where we were.  On Sunday my current punishment ends and my new one begins. Normally I dread it, or hope he forgets. This time? I absolutely 100% deserve it. Maybe I needed this in some twisted way. I needed him to get mad to know he was serious, orgasm denial, spankings., etc..they're all set up as punishments. But, some part of you always looks forward to it. Some part of you is deeply contented because of the dominance over you. This kind of punishment? it doesn't have that. It's a REAL punishment... there is no contentment or longing for it. You accept it because you deserve it...even if it is orgasm denial .. it's not in the same league as it usually is. I do long to get back to where we were though. That place was safe, and secure and comfortable. This place is scary. It's uncertain. I don't want to come back here. Ever. It's like every little glitch...every time he doesn't do something he used to.... it worries me... hell, borderline scare me. And I know I have probably months of this ahead of me to get it fixed. This is not a place I'm coming back to. Whether it's about me, or something I have been told about others he WILL know. Fair warning.

Because my choices, my brain, my thoughts, my actions... they aren't just mine anymore. They haven't been for a long time. And I think I finally get that. Accept it.  Long for it back.


And now? I am off to exercise.


  1. I blog for the same reasons.

    Myself (and also hoping others can learn from my lessons).

    And my Dom. So that he can learn what I'm learning and see what I'm thinking and how my brain is working, not just what I'm DOING.

  2. I think that's the only way you can blog and not have it fall away after a couple months. Doing it for yourself and your dom that is.