Thursday, June 9, 2011

Loss Of Words

I don't really have much to say today. I made my self searching post yesterday :) Not well received by all but I expected it.

Cael and I are doing alright. Still taking baby steps. But, we are talking more like we used to. It's not completely back to normal yet but we're getting there. Getting to where we should be. And that? Is why I am fine with people walking away from me right now. If they can't support that he and I need to be the focus so we can repair ourselves ... then they clearly weren't that great of friends to begin with. Good friends, close friends know that a relationship comes first. It just does. A lot of this process has shown me things I didn't see. Both with Cael and I and with my friends. Most of which will not continue being so at this rate. Part of me is sad, but one-sided only okay if it's for the benefit friendships have no interest to me.

On a lighter note I talked to Cael about tattoos last night. I've always wanted one but am waiting until I lose weight. I have a drawing I've done that I'd like put on me somewhere and he said tattoos are okay. So I'm on a bit of a happy.

I've been coming to him with everything like I should have been always doing. And it's...easy. It was before but some things were harder, now I don't even pause. It hasn't been long since he took my rules away.. and yet.. already I've made progress. I think maybe it was always there, just stuck. I know part of it is drawing away from everybody else and into him. Already I have trouble understanding that mind-set I was in before and it's not far removed. Maybe I've just embraced it? Or maybe it's that I have pulled into him more, I have no doubt or fear anymore. Him with other girls doesn't scare me this time around, where as before it always did in a way. I'm sure I'll be bothered when I know it's happening but... my mindset has changed I guess. It's more centered on him than it ever has been. This time we're starting over with him already as my center... it's stronger, more solid. He has an even bigger hold on me and I don't even have rules right now. Maybe I just seen what I stood to lose and it threw every fear, doubt or hesitation I had away. Few that they were anyways. I don't know. But I'm embracing it. Following it. Hoping it flourishes.

Sometimes you have to burn the ground before anything will grow.

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