Saturday, July 30, 2011


I'm in a mood so I don't really have much to say today. I feel off and it sucks.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Muh Fuggah

I got up today with the intention of actually writing. It's been a long time since I have. I finally have the time now and I haven't written a single word. So, today was the day I told myself! You will sit down and you will write and it will be wonderful I told myself.

3 hours later my word doc is still blank and I am feeling like this:

Muh. Fuggah.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

All Full Up

Yesterday I went grocery shopping, as usual. Today I went again... different stores this time. I also stopped at a mini farmers market on the street. Now, this doesn't sound bad. Until you factor in that my fridge was full yesterday. Full to the point I have fruit and veg sitting on the shelves because the drawers are full. And it's not just sitting on the shelves. It's stacked. Because the shelves are full too. I got a few pounds of cherries yesterday as well as some veg to go with the carrots and peas I got previously. Then today on top of a cart full of groceries from yesterday I got some bread and meat for the freezer.  It's full. If we have left overs I have nowhere to put them. I love summer, but my refrigerator does not agree.

Other than that not much has happened. Cael went out last night and was telling me about it today. He mentioned a girl and we carried on talking. Then I mentioned how he tends to collect girls (he totally does) and he told me this girl was dating his friend. He has a habit of this. He mentions girls and lets me get a little jealous and THEN he tells me the second half of the sentence that should have been included in the first place. I think somewhere in him he actually likes that I get a little jealous, which is good because it's impossible not to.

I did however manage to completely break down the other night. Cael was busy so I hadn't talked to him all day. Several things just weren't working like they should, and then I got into conversations with people that slowly chipped away at me. Eventually I gave up and went to bed at 9:30 and curled up with my pillow and bawled for a bit. At which point I had the thought of "I want my master!" which made me feel all of about 3 years old. At this point I rolled over and went to sleep because my head was getting darker and more child like and it just seemed the best idea.

Now? My head is killing me, and this is where I'm leaving it for today because the light is hurting my eyes. Hopefully next time I'll have something more to say.

Monday, July 25, 2011


Yesterday Cael was helping me set up some stuff on my computer. We hit a few...minor bumps. First, he missed steps. He'd say something and leave out the part where I had to switch tabs or pages and so on. Then we discovered I am just not technology savvy and I handed over control of my computer to him. At which point he took time to snoop through my files. Not a huge thing...anything I have I've either sent him, he's sent me or it just doesn't matter.

Mostly though, I argued with him. Over stupid shit. And not just smart ass comments, which I did. That's normal though... it's just whim dependent. Sometimes he laughs, other times I get in trouble. This time I told him he wasn't as smart as he thought he was when he couldn't get things working...and I got in trouble. I have a random pop up punishment coming ...sometime. The arguing though? I don't even remember what it was. Probably nothing really. It's not like I did it intentionally. I really didn't. It just came out...and I couldn't stop. Seriously. As I argued out loud my head was screaming "shut up. shut UP. SHUT UP."  I did get better... I held it in the second time around. I swallowed what I was arguing about or saying... and it was hard. I couldn't sit still. I couldn't look at him because when I did I wanted to talk. Of course, as soon as I got quiet I got informed that it was a moment of control. Which, it was.

But why argue when I didn't want to? Not entirely sure. In person with most people it's a layer of defense. Don't let them in by arguing and making comments. But. He's already in. Maybe just something I need to overcome. It does nothing but get me in trouble... and I can't not let him in when he's already in deeper than is usually possible. Letting that guard down is hard though. I've done it over text but my first instinct in person..and apparently on skype is to make the comments, to argue. Until I get over this I see our conversations driving me up the wall as I try to swallow the stupid comments. I see it being painful soon if I don't get over it. He's whimmy lately. And very mean. The first time he tried helping he had his shirt unbuttoned a bit and I commented on it after. The next time? It was undone all the way. He's mean. And a tease. I want teh fuzzeh. And the glasses are hot too.. fuck. Maybe my issue is all the blood instantly vacated my brain and took up housing elsewhere? Yeah. Lets go with that.

Sunday, July 24, 2011


Sephi: I am not full of it! you were in a mood!
The moon never beams without bringing me dreams: Haha How!  
Sephi: you were all nancy negative  
Sephi: always a bad side to everything I said or suggested
The moon never beams without bringing me dreams: Not true. I was betty boobala! Sephi: then he came and talked to you and suddenly it was all light and rainbows and unicorn farts
The moon never beams without bringing me dreams: UNICORN FARTS?! 
Sephi: yes
The moon never beams without bringing me dreams: I don't think I was quite that floaty. 
Sephi: smells like skittles, tastes like the rainbow :D
The moon never beams without bringing me dreams: hahaha 
Sephi: pretty good huh? I should do a skittles commercial
The moon never beams without bringing me dreams: Ha. Yeah...they'd totally hire you. Sephi: I think so 
Sephi: I'm just enough awesome and weird
The moon never beams without bringing me dreams: Just enough? I'm thinking you more than meet their standards.... you're over qualified is what it is 
Sephi: oh cheers 
Sephi: I choose to take that as a compliment so NEH!
The moon never beams without bringing me dreams: Haha take it however ya want

Oh Happy Place

The last two days have been spent with Lady Di and my uncle. Friday night I went in to their place in town and spent the night. We watched the Swan Princess (Shadup! I love Jean-Bob) and Megamind. ....soo good. The next day Lady Di and I went to the farmers market and a few other stores picking stuff up for my grandmothers birthday party. I ended up bringing home some cherries and two pounds each of baby carrots and garden peas. I love veggies, I naturally tend to eat healthy. I've always chosen veggies over chips or crackers or whatever else is offered. I've decided I'm going to start cooking like that again. My weight is stuck, and I'm having issues with exercise but my diet.. I can alter that with no issue at all. I ate entirely vegetarian/vegan for over a year and was quite happy. I'm not going back to that but fresh, raw...or steamed veggies are good. Less meat..if its possible I don't tend to eat a lot to begin with. And what I do eat is the leanest ground beef I can afford that week, and chicken. Other than that I eat fish/seafood and that's it. I'm not a big fan of pork... if anything I may grab ham for lunches.  I need to start eating three meals a day again and if I can't then have my diet shakes because I've been skipping generally at least one meal a day. Sometimes two.

I've also been thinking about exercise more the last few days. I really want to get back to where I was before. I also want to invest in an elliptical and a heavy bag at some point. (Cael and I are going to have our own gym at this rate. I already have a bike and a treadmill.) I'd like to move the treadmill upstairs so its easier for me to use(asthma and dusty basements don't mix) and always in my face....but it doesn't fit anywhere. Even folded up there's no where I could put. I could unfold it in my room to use it but it would take up the whole floor to leave it there. See my issue? It's even worse now that my brother broke his PS2 and got a new xbox... I can turn the machine on...but I can't get it to open or figure out how to switch the tv over to it. ...I can hear Cael laughing right now. He thinks it's hilarious and calls me his "little technophobe."

I've also been thinking about having baths at night again and going on walks and writing..even if I have to force it at first. Basically a case of going back to what I used to do with the new mindsets I have now.

When did I come up with all of this? Sitting at my grandmothers birthday party. Without my mom there I don't have anybody to talk to because the other side of the family tends to come in and dominate the conversation and they talk about BMX racing and going to the bar...and it's just boring as fuck and a little sad. My aunt knows what band is playing at the bar every night/weekend for the next month. It's like they revolve around going out to the bar... and these are the same people who can barely afford to live. But they've always lived beyond what they could afford and always had somebody there to bail them out... I'm just not comfortable with them around. Especially since everybody in their house above drinking age has recently lost a huge amount of weight. Seriously, my aunt has lost about 150 pounds alone. Funny thing is..they've all done it in a matter of about 4 or 5 months... it was instant. It's not possible to lose that much in that amount of time doing what they SAY they're doing. Just eating differently and walking every night. I call bullshit. Especially when I can watch them each fill and eat 3 plates of food. Just walking..or even running around the tiny little pond we have in town twice like they say will not give that result. It's just irritating because I've worked hard for what I've lost. And I still have a lot of hard work ahead of me and they're taking the unhealthy and easy way out. And I say unhealthy based on the fact they lost so much so's not good for your body.. and it makes me wonder exactly what they're doing in their own time to  cause that, especially knowing some of the things they've done previously.

But, other than that my weekend was okay. Spent a lot of time with Lady Di, talking about ...everything from abortion to sex toys and fruit. I also gave her a little more of my dynamic with Cael and she's fine. She thinks like I do... and I like knowing that he and I have at least one place we can go that is family that we don't really have to hide. It's great.  I did however miss Cael this weekend. He had a wedding to go to and help with so I went two days without him and as usual it sucked, I didn't get insecure though which I normally do! I think finally we may have gotten a bit of a handle on all of it between talking before my previous post about sharing and after. But I did get to talk to him for a while this morning and took care of the missing pout and he pretty quickly put me in place. Now? I'm just content and happy and....sigh. :)  Though, according to Sephi I was in a mood before he woke up today. I personally think she's full of it. :D

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Bowl Full O' Happy

And this? Also comes with two pounds of fresh peas and two pounds of baby carrots *happy wiggles* I love summer. I can't wait to hit the farmers market in in the near by city. More stuff. Better stuff. Om. Nom.


If you've been reading here for a while you know that I have body issues. Body issues you say? Why yes!

I am absolutely over weight. I'm watching what I eat and trying to get my exercise under control. I hate to exercise. Everybody says that they hate it for the first few weeks or months and then they love energizes them. I am not one of those people thus far. I had a tiny taste of it and then it reabsorbed into itself and I haven't found it since.

I am very aware of my body. I know what size I am and there are days where it really drags me down. There are days where I do get depressed. But, then there are days where I don't care. Where I think I look good and take 50 + pictures to send to Cael because I feel sexy and happy.

Right now, I am attempting to write a post for Eden Cafe, which is a blogging site that is affiliated with EdenFantasys and has become its own little community. I have written a few posts for them already on my relationship, the things that have happened in my past... this topic though? It's the hardest one I've found. I am trying my best to be positive and see the good side of things but some days, that isn't easy. Some days I want to curl up with a plate of brownies and never reemerge to the world.Those days are rare anymore. I really am happier and more content with my body. Especially since Cael made me strip for him so he could see everything. 

Another thing I found that helped was going through the archives at Eden Cafe. They have sexual pieces, erotica, relationship advice, ....they also have body image pieces. And more often than not they are inspirational or just body positive. This article in particular made me smile and I just wanted to share it with you all :)

Eden Cafe

Thursday, July 21, 2011


I was asked why I've been writing mostly about Cael lately. The truth is... at first I wasn't sure. It started out as me being scared of what was happening and this was a place for me to let it all out and say things to him and let him know how I feel. Lately though.. it's because this whole internal enslavement thing has really taken hold. It's impossible to explain unless you've been here. I thought I was here a while ago, until now that is.

This morning I woke up and said  "Morning master" ...I rarely call him master but this morning it just came out, it was a natural thing. I also bought a skort because he made mention about me in skirts... so I bought a skirt training device (seriously, its been about 15 year since I wore a skirt...I need to remember to keep my legs shut -.-)...on top of several other things that I've just done without thinking about. He's more solidly in the middle of my world now and I'm feeling it more lately. I also have been getting more and more secure in my place.

Also? I've been doing very little lately. I finally got a camera... its not a great one but its better than nothing and buying an expensive camera when I'm moving up with cael seems silly when he has a really good camera already.

This Saturday we're having a BBQ for my grandmothers birthday. Not looking forward to it all. I've talked about my grandmother before but I haven't mentioned my aunt. My aunt has been on a diet...she has lost over 150 a few months... and she hasn't changed how she eats and barely exercises. So, something is off there and while I know she isn't losing weight in a healthy way and is probably screwing her body up majorly... it bothers me that I've been working so long and haven't lost nearly as much.  My exercise has stalled.... I'm having trouble starting it up again since I had to put it off when I buried myself in school work.'s just...frustrating and I end up feeling like shit when I'm around her. I need to be kicked in the ass and held to a schedule again because I've learned I cannot hold one by myself. I give myself too much leeway, while at the same time I know I need to do this by myself for right now. It's a vicious little circle.

Oh, and several of my posts have made it up on Eden Cafe. Just click on my user name and hit the "See author posts" option and it will show them all to you. I'm currently trying to write one on body image. Slow. Going.

This one however? I quite like.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Picky Pickerson

I've been picking lately. Finding little things I'm wondering about and then asking and pestering until I get answers. I don't think Cael is enjoying this phase.

Today I told him that he didn't like admitting that he likes me, wants me, and wants me around. And he agreed. His reasoning is it's too hard with the distance. He holds back because it's easier for him. I don't hold back anything, especially lately. I think we'd be better off giving each other everything. Just because we don't say it out loud doesn't mean it isn't there or isn't real. I understand why he does it, but I want all of him. Desperately. I can wait until he gets down here if I have to, because I know those things ARE there, they just aren't said.

But, I've been thinking and I think part of my insecurity is that he hasn't told me those things. So, while I think they're there...maybe they aren't,at least that's a thought that creeps into my head now and then. I don't know in the sense that he hasn't told me. I need to be told those things ... even if he just said "they're true, they're there" I'd be okay I think. He's never come right out and said he luffs me, and wants me and needs/wants me around.

Knowing you're wanted like that is a huge deal. Most days I know that, but hearing it is important. This is another one of those "Most of the time I'm okay but some days it's harder" things. I've been thinking a lot about my insecurity because I'm tired of it being there and I know he is too, so figuring out where its coming from in all directions is helpful. I know right now my hormones being funky are feeding into those feelings, and to be honest...I'm not really upset. It's almost more scientific right now... "poke this and this happens" type of thing.

I know Cael holds back because its what helps him deal with this and I totally understand that. I even agree with it happening if it does help. It just makes me look forward to him coming here even more. No really, it's possible :)

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Learning Curve

As I mentioned before I was sent a couple of Good Vibrations sex toys.  

The second toy I received was the curve by Tantus in midnight purple. This is my first Tantus toy and it has definitely lived up to the reputation it has built.  The toy is 6” long and 1 3/8” wide so it's a fair size. It is also a standard dildo, it doesn't vibrate though it is harness compatible.

I am actually at a loss of words for this toy. I love it. Normally I enjoy the vibrating toys more, but this toy is curved perfectly. It runs along my g-spot with no effort what so ever, and is perfectly thick. I like that full feeling and this toy definitely provides it after months of orgasm denial. It takes a few minutes to get used to the toy, learning how to stroke it properly. Because it's curved it feels awkward moving the toy straight in and out but rocking it up and down seems to be the best way I've found for me. Though it is formed in a way that makes it impossible for you not to hit the right spots no matter what position you're in.

A large plus for this toy is it is silicone and thus shareable, and can be sanitized. I did however find a cleaning issue. After having soaped and washed the toy properly I set it down on the bathroom counter. I don't towel dry toys or they get little fuzzy pieces. The bottom of the toy is not a suction cup, it's not dented at all. It's smooth and perfect. It still suction cupped to the counter hard enough I couldn't get it off and when I slid it off the end it just bent with the lip of the cupboard. I actually had to pry it off. Which, at first was a downside. Until I realized I could wet the bottom of the toy and stick it to walls or showers/tubs and it would stay as long as I used a little force setting it down, not just gently placing it.

Other than that I'm not sure what to say about this toy other than I love it and think everybody should at least give it a try. It doesn't look like that big of a deal until you get it in your hands and in your body and suddenly it rises up among the toy ranks. So go take a look at it at Good Vibrations sex toys.

Friday, July 15, 2011


I'm still in the homey mindset with Cael. I don't want to let it go actually. We went for months where everything was so chaotic that, having him, and us back to normal... I don't want to let that feeling go. I'm not going to lie, I was terrified for a while. There was a lot of silence and frustration for a while that I didn't understand and he wasn't in the frame of mind to explain whether it was because of everything going on around him or things going on within him. It just wasn't there. And it was scary. I woke up a lot of mornings wondering if he was going to walk away. Both because of the silence and because he was so stressed. I've always had people walk away from me when they're stressed, and I know Cael is different and was trusting him not to leave, in the back of my head was that knowledge. He told me a few days ago that I seemed like I didn't trust him anymore. And I know for absolutely certain part of that was that fear. The other part of it though is insecurity. Every issue I had from before he had to go have the surgery, that he was going to come down here to set straight.....they're still there. They don't go away. Yes, I did act out and break rules trying to get attention and that doesn't happen anymore but it's still there. It's just settled on insecure. Some days I'm totally fine, others...not so much. I went for months where him playing with other girls didn't bother me. Now, some days it really bugs me, other days I tell myself I'm an idiot and over ride that issue. Because that's what it is. An issue. My issue. Most of these girls he knew before he and I started this. He had a chance to be with them and didn't take it or tried and lost interest. I know he's never going to go beyond what we've agreed to. I know that he wants me up there and that he luffs me even though he's only said it once. And, I know he trusts me and that is a huge thing with him. Some days though, it does bother me but I think everybody has those days. When it happens I go to him, and talk to him and get a bit of reassurance.

My old form of reassurance was asking if I was his and if he was keeping me. It was quick and easy. When we had the Great Implosion it bothered him though so I stopped. I told him the other night that I was insecure and asked those questions.. and the answer was still the same. And so is mine. I do trust him, he's probably the only person I do actually trust beyond a surface level. What happens in my head is totally pointless, I know that and he's told me that. I think maybe part of the issue that he is around a lot of girls. He is around a lot of really pretty girls, and I know that's not enough for him but for me I look at them and look in the mirror and go "What the fuck!?" self esteem issues apparently. He also tends to collect girls. Not just girls really, people in general but girls do gravitate towards him. Which I totally get. There's something about him that makes you want to talk to him and be around him. Though I do get the stronger end of that draw, I'm well aware.

So what's my point? Nothing really other than getting this out of my head and realizing that's exactly what it is. Something in my head. Is it going to happen again? Absolutely. And probably will off and on until he says I can move *glares in his direction* because it's not easy, this relationship we're in especially with the dynamic. But I also know that it's worth it. That once I get up there or we can actually spend some time together it's going to amazing because he has such an affect on me now it can only get stronger the longer we're together. We function mostly the same way so being around each other a lot, even completely ignoring each other for video games or books... is going to be 1000x better than not having the other one there.

I'm not entirely sure where that came from. I came on to write a post about my camera and book obsession and that's what came out. Most definitely not a post I anticipated. I think the brain worm hijacked me.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Good Vibrations

Is anybody else hearing that beach boys song?

I am, and for once it's actually a good thing.

I've recently gotten involved with Good Vibrations. Good vibrations sex toys are varied. They have everything from standard lube and dildos to bondage and fetish toys.

Recently, I was sent two toys. The first toy I'm going to review is the iRabbit Mini Waterproof vibrator.

Before I begin though I do have to say that I waited quite a while for these toys to get to me. There was a postal strike where I live and my toys got caught up in the middle of it. The strike ended a while ago and just the other day I received my lovely little brown box from the unknowing old man at the post office. I had absolutely no problems with the shipping (other than the aforementioned strike). A lot of places pack their toys in paper, these came in the Styrofoam  popcorn pieces, which pleased my animals to no end.

The toy itself came in rather unique packaging. It was what I'm going to call a partial clam-shell package. There was an outer shell like sleeve and slid off fairly easily once you realized there was a little popped out piece keeping the sleeve in place. Once you've slapped your forehead in amazement that you didn't see the mysterious button - O - pleasure sneak lock you have the partial clam-shell. There were two more popped out pieces holding the one edge closed leaving the other side open and easy to get to the toy. While that makes the packing easy, if you are one of those people that stores your toys in their packaging I'm not sure how well it would work for you. I'm anal and store everything separately, so I am going to have to invest in a bag to put my toy in. Right now it's just in a plastic bag.

Storing for this toy is more important because it is a softer material. It's made out of PVC and ABS which 1. Collects lint and hair, 2. Is fairly susceptible to molding to other toys if they're pressed right up against each other and 3. It has a jelly like feel to it in some spots and I'm not sure if it's true for this toy but I know jelly can melt a bit in really, really hot weather. So, a toy case or bag of some sort will definitely be a help here.

While the toy is called a mini... it's a fair size. It's not overly large but it's also not a mini travel vibe that most people are used to when they see the word "mini." However, it is smaller than the usual rabbit style vibrators. It is 5 inches long for insertion and 9 in total, and 1 3/8 in diameter. So, size queens may not be quite satisfied, but for a beginner or somebody who doesn't care about the size of the toy it's perfect. It was long enough to reach the right spots and still have the clit piece use able. The clit piece itself is very flexible so the toy should be good for you no matter the placement and spacing of your clit and vagina. While I seen the pluses to a toy designed this way I would have liked more stiffness to it, more of a solid piece to grind on. The "rabbit ears" of this toy are also very flexible and as such carry the vibrations really well. I did find however that as long as the clit toy was pressed down under my clit it was great. When it was above it I didn't get as much stimulation. Not a big deal.

The shaft of this toy has little pearls inside that rotate. The material covering the pearls is thick enough that they wont bulge out or tear through but thin enough they can be felt. Having the toy turned up all the way it sent the pearls rolling pretty good, but for me I would have been happy if the toy just vibrated along the shaft. In my hand I could feel the pearls moving but inside of me they weren't as noticeable. You could feel them but it wasn't as intense as I was expecting. The vibrator has 3 settings/patterns and 4 levels of intensity. The patterns affect both the shaft and the clit piece which is something I haven't seen yet and really quite cool.

For looks the toy I received is blue with white pearls and is really quite pretty. The bottom portion of the shaft is textured to look like tree bark with the odd leaf here and there. The center is the pearls and the tip is realistic, although blue. Those with smurf fantasies should be over the moon :) .

In use... the toy works. It's proportioned right, and textured perfectly. For me though, this toy had an unexpected affect. The vibrations on this toy are pretty high frequency. They aren't the deep vibrations they're the surface ones that a lot of people describe as stingy or itchy. This isn't an issue for me. I prefer the deeper vibrations but the higher ones are a tease, a form of sexual torture because it drives me up the wall. Not in a bad way though, I can still orgasm from it, it just drives me up the wall which in the relationship dynamic I'm in is not an issue.

So for me this toy is a win from it's look and design to its functions. I want to thank Good Vibrations Sex Toys for allowing me to review this toy, and finally find another vibrator that can go into my toy rotation.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011


Cael and I are doing better. We're getting back to normal. I am very happy :)  It's been a long time since we've been here. We went from school, to surgery. to break ins, to personal issues, back to school, to us fighting and several things in between. I've been pretty insecure and unsure of my place. I've been scared because with everything going on he's been really quiet. BUT, we've been laughing and joking and just... more normal than we have been in months. It's nice. That connection is coming back. I think until he comes down here I'll always be a little insecure... and maybe even after he gets down here a few times until I move. I think part of it is not thinking enough of myself, not entirely knowing what he sees in me, not having the little intimacies that used to be there because they got to hard to do when we can't see each other... and knowing what I see in him I can totally understand why others would want him. ...and knowing damn well I'm going to make a few girls very unhappy when I move.

He also got a few new piercings. Very hot. Other than it's making me want new ones. I had the urge a couple weeks ago and managed to ignore it. Now he got new ones and it's making me want them. Issue here is, Cael is getting more dominant with me, but it's not back to normal yet. I don't have rules yet and he's leaving things up to me. If I ask to do something he leaves it up to me. If I ask advice or for help...he leaves it up to me. I? Have trouble functioning like that. But I know I need to. I asked a few weeks ago if he liked my hair red. He said he did. I asked if I should redye it and I got "Sure, if you want to" ... it's been 2 or 3 weeks now and ya know what? I still haven't redyed my hair. I can't do it without permission and to me, that isn't permission. That's him giving me space and not being all omnipotent like he tends to be because he's not ready to go back there. I wont DYE MY HAIR. I sure as hell am not going to get a piercing.

He mentioned the other day that he likes skirts and I'm going to need to wear them when I move. I bought a skort today. Brain wormed. I need the skort... because I have not worn a skirt or dress in probably 15 years. I WILL most definitely fall, bend wrong or forget to sit properly. I? am in skirt training because his brain worm got bored -.-

On the plus side though he did make me strip for him on skype and told me that I'm his and he wants all of me. Warm. Fuzzy. I am so happy right now. It was terrifying, and I cried... and he made me do it anyways because he's mean to me :) . But, normal. After this long normal is so fucking perfect. We aren't entirely there yet but it feels so good and more comfortable than I have been in a while.

Now, to just get rid of this insecure!

Saturday, July 9, 2011


Because my head space seems to be funky today, and all I want to do is curl up around Cael you get a video. Anything I try to write either goes dark or I lose interest. Yet another blogging fail.

Dildos & Bullets & Rabbit Vibrators These Are A Few Of My Favourite Things

I really hope you sang that title as you read it, because I sang it as I typed it. Only fair. 

As of yesterday I've found a new toy to add to that list. It's called a Yclamp. It has both nipple clamps and a clit clamp attached. Yes, I finally broke down and bought them. They are awesome. No really! You can adjust them so they aren't really tight and painful, just a small pinch. Lets face it though, I tightened them pretty good and I still like them :)  The clit clamp is a little harder to get on though, but I have no doubt Cael will help with that. Partner win! 

I've also recently broken my orgasm fast. Cael enforced. Which has led to dildo and sex toy searching. Right now, the Ocean Breeze is looking appealing. It's glass!  I actually first found it when I was ignoring all things sexual. I spend a bit of time playing around on the EF site once a week or so. They are always getting in new toys so there’s always something new to lust after.

So, even if you don’t think you’ll find anything at EdenFantasys you should go look.  There really is a little bit of everything for everybody. Right from nipple clamps to fuzzy paddles, dildos to vibrators. It can’t hurt to look right?

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Of Self Esteem & Home

Sephi and I have been talking a lot lately. Well, about one specific thing; we always talk to each other  a lot. I told her a while ago that I was about one pound away from having lost 20 pounds. (I fluctuate I gained three pounds back but I'll be back down there in a couple days) She was excited. I? Was kinda level and meh about it. We got talking about it and my self esteem and how I should be happy about this. We got talking about it and eventually got to the point where I told her that Cael was a huge part of my self esteem. I never had a lot when I was younger. I've definitely improved and gotten more, but it's a level amount. I see that weight loss and go "Oh, awesome," and move on not thinking a lot about it. When I tell Cael about what I've lost he generally gets happy and smiles and makes a bit of a big deal about it. THEN I get excited and proud. Lately, with everything going on with us and in his personal life I get "Awesome" so... It's affected him and how he responds, and as such affects me. Not a big deal, I'm not upset about it at all.. I just think that may be part of it.

I've spent weeks mulling this over. Sephi doesn't think that it's healthy for me to have him in my self esteem like he is. Thing, is, he is very much aware of how involved he is within me. He knows he has a huge affect on every part of me and that includes steering my self esteem to an extent. If he doesn't get excited about something... I tend not to either. But, I've always been like that. I just have somebody now that I've let in and can control that part of me and bump it up. All subs have their self esteem affected by their master. It's just the way things are, it's why we get so upset when we're in trouble. But, like Sephi and I talked about, Cael and I have taken it to another level.

As far as it being unhealthy? I don't really think so. Without him not only would I have not lost the weight, but if I had somehow managed to I'd still just be meh about it. He's whats pushing me up to an excited level with it when he's in his usual head-space. Seph's point was "What if he isn't in that head-space or it doesn't work out?" We all take risks in this kind of relationship, we let people in further and trust them more, we are risking parts of our self with it. This is just another part. And to be honest, I don't consider that. I right down to my fucking core consider Cael to be who I am supposed to be with, so I give him everything. Holding back doesn't even occur to me anymore. And truth to be told... he has been in my self esteem bubble for so long I can't even separate him from it anymore. He just is there. I don't want him out of it, I don't want him gone. I like that he's in there, and we're that connected. I love it and can't see being any other way with him. Especially lately. I was always open with him and he was always in there but the last month or so since The Great Implosion.. I am so far open to him I don't know how to close. I don't know how to function without him in there. It's just reality to me anymore.  Everything about me has a part of him in it... he has control in everything. He's shaping my body to be what he wants. He's changing the way I think and act. What's one more thing?

There is nothing he has done that has affected me negatively. I trust him. He's gotten me to the point I don't question much anymore with him unless it scares me. He's changing my weight and body... and almost 20 pounds in and I'm happier, I'm even more confident and comfortable. It's not a lot of weight and not near what I need to lose but... I'm wearing shorts. I'm wearing shirts without hiding behind a sweater or zip up. In public. Never in a million fucking years would that have happened just two years ago. He's gotten rid of a lot of that negative voice I had in my head and replaced it with his own. He's made it so I make decisions he would like or choose for me, hell sometimes I have arguments with him in my head. And he wins. Him in my self esteem is just...normal.

I've tried remembering what it was like without him in there... and other than negative..I can't remember. He did that to me with my limits too. I consider myself to be no limits. I know the argument about "You can't be no limits because you're master has limits for you" ... and that's exactly it for me. Somewhere along the way in the five years(?) we've known each other I forgot my limits and adopted his.

I am aware that we function differently than most people even in the lifestyle. We're okay with that. This isn't scary to me like most people see it as. It isn't unhealthy because I've never been happier or literally healthier in my life. It works for us, and I think on some level Cael is proud and enjoys being able to dig inside me that far. He likes that he has that much control. But for as much control he has and as well as he knows me, I can  still surprise him in laughter or say or do something he wasn't expecting and I love that. I love how we function together. I love how we interact on a regular day and I luff him. It's just..comfortable and happy and where I want to be.

I thought about it last night when I was laying in bed, over the last while he's become home to me. And I know how stupid that sounds when he's about 5/6 hours away and hasn't been down here. But it's still true. It's why I can't sleep when he's not around. When I move in with him, maybe when he's gone I'll be able to sleep because he's still around in a way ... still there somehow. Right now, when he's off somewhere and busy... he's just gone. We've been talking so long, and he's so embedded and deep in me that he has become home to me. (Sephi I can hear you cackling at my sap! Shudap!)

And now to cut the sap... and give Seph a breather(bish).

I've been asked why I have so little info on my kinky facebook profile. Truth is... I don't want people being able to find me. And to be honest, I don't have that much on my vanilla facebook either. I just today changed things to say where I live. I have family that has access to my facebook account that I just don't want knowing a lot. That's a huge reason why I don't ever change my relationship status on there. I've actually had "family" contact the person I was seeing when I put it up and try to talk them out of being with me. I don't worry about this with Cael at all, I know he can handle himself very well... but I still don't want people in my shit. :)

I spent the long weekend down at the Farm as I've said. I ended up talking with Lady Di, and a few others about my grandmother and the man she married. I haven't spent much time with Lady Di lately, but she agrees with me. I'm over it. I'm ready for them to be done. My "Grandpa" has cheated on my Grandma for years and I haven't had any respect or interest in talking to him since I was old enough to understand what was going on. I haven't talked to him in 5 years and I see him almost weekly. He doesn't seem to care. Which, at this point doesn't matter. But I spent the first few years of my life glued to him, "Grandpa" was my first word... bit of a sting there. I got over it. But it's still there, between what he's done to my grandmother and to me(he tried to buy me off once, does not know me as well as he thought apparently)... I have no interest in keeping him in my life.

We also talked about my grandmother. For as much I love her she has been a real pain in the ass lately. She is constantly on me about my weight... always has been and it's not a supportive thing like it is with Cael. The way she goes about it makes you feel bad and ashamed. She's also developed a thing for trying to guilt you into doing things and when that doesn't work she just keeps at you until you give in. She did it on the weekend about a dinner she was having. She decided to do it last minute so we could all see the uncle that was up here visiting. Lady Di and I both agreed we weren't going because this uncle has never made an effort to see us before when he's been visiting. He's always had other people who took precedence and the last time he was up here he and his wife did nothing but stir shit and then leave. So we really had no interest in going. She phoned 15 times one day and was bitching about us to the uncle when she thought I didn't have the phone to my ear. Half of us went...the other half had to stay and make sure things at the farm were fine...because we can't leave people alone down there thanks to the shit he stirred last time he was here. The dinner was tense and his ribs were rather blah *nods.* She's also been on my about Cael a lot. Lady Di agreed with me when I told her that you can see a change in me when things are funky with him and I... its just natural for me. Most of the time I try not to tell her too much or she picks it apart. Doesn't work a lot because she'll stay on me for days so I feed her tiny little bits so she doesn't know a lot. And STILL she picks at him and thinks he's too control and unfair and so on. I told Lady Di that I get that my grandmothers marriage is falling apart and she has no options because she never did anything but give him control and have kids... she got married when she was a teenager... she didn't work... she was just a wife so she doesn't want that to happen to me. But, all it does is push me away because the fact is Cael does have more control than I do and it's just the way it is. It works for us. And Lady Di agreed... she was fine with it. I like that I can tell her that and she's not freaked. I could probably tell her everything and she'd be fine. My grandmother would have a shit fit... but I am so close to just telling her because she's starting to piss me off. No matter what I do lately she's on my ass about it and it's about to blow up very badly.

And I think that is that today. It's more than I've written in a long time :)

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Long Weekend

This weekend was a long weekend in several ways. 1. It's Canada day weekend.  2. Cael has been gone. I've spent all weekend trying to keep myself busy. I spent a good portion of the weekend down at my families farm with a few different people. During the time there I managed to get a sunburn. I rarely if ever spend enough time in the sun to burn. Not a huge lobster red burn but definitely enough for me to notice it. Especially on my face, I managed to burn through the sunscreen.

Today I may go out to my grandmothers for a while. If only because its supposed to be really hot today and she has air conditioning.

I think Cael comes home today so that's a huge plus. Other than that I don't really have a lot to say today. Sorry.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Right On Time

Well, Caels gone. What does this mean? Long time readers know. I can't sleep. I can never sleep when he's gone and can't talk. I've been curled up in bed staring at the wall for hours now. I've adapted to his new schedule so by 10:30 every night I'm in bed and I'm up by 6:30 the next morning. Not when he's gone. When he's gone I'm awake generally until 5ish and then up for 6:30. Sometimes I don't sleep at all.

I've been thinking about it, and I think part of the reason is that he is so ingrained in me that my day just isn't complete unless I talk to him and he's part of it. So, if he's absent somewhere in my head decides we aren't sleeping. And here we sit. Wide awake. I've come to realize just how important and how much I curl into him. I always notice it when we can't talk a lot or at all. I wake up in the morning and roll over to send a good morning text to him. Lately I stop myself because I'm giving him space and this weekend he's gone. Randomly through out the day I'll think of something or do something and go to share it with him. I'll go to leave the house and grab my phone to tell him. At night if he's home I send a text or two to him and we talk a bit. If he's not home like now I crawl into bed and every single time before I manage to fall asleep he's what I'm thinking about. 

And it's that, and every single little thing I luff about him right from his dominance, to his personality, to every imperfection and fault that makes me stay. Makes me want to work harder to put our life back together. I'm done digging holes, it's time to put that foundation back in and rebuild everything. Because in the end? That's all there is, Him, and Me.

Now, I'm off to go look at the wall some more.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Well, Shit.

Cael is gone for a bit. I've been perving on fetlife. I want fucked and tied up and bruised. This all equals out to an epic fail. I wants my mastah. He really needs to come visit, and bring rope. *snorts* Like he wouldn't.