Tuesday, July 12, 2011


Cael and I are doing better. We're getting back to normal. I am very happy :)  It's been a long time since we've been here. We went from school, to surgery. to break ins, to personal issues, back to school, to us fighting and several things in between. I've been pretty insecure and unsure of my place. I've been scared because with everything going on he's been really quiet. BUT, we've been laughing and joking and just... more normal than we have been in months. It's nice. That connection is coming back. I think until he comes down here I'll always be a little insecure... and maybe even after he gets down here a few times until I move. I think part of it is not thinking enough of myself, not entirely knowing what he sees in me, not having the little intimacies that used to be there because they got to hard to do when we can't see each other... and knowing what I see in him I can totally understand why others would want him. ...and knowing damn well I'm going to make a few girls very unhappy when I move.

He also got a few new piercings. Very hot. Other than it's making me want new ones. I had the urge a couple weeks ago and managed to ignore it. Now he got new ones and it's making me want them. Issue here is, Cael is getting more dominant with me, but it's not back to normal yet. I don't have rules yet and he's leaving things up to me. If I ask to do something he leaves it up to me. If I ask advice or for help...he leaves it up to me. I? Have trouble functioning like that. But I know I need to. I asked a few weeks ago if he liked my hair red. He said he did. I asked if I should redye it and I got "Sure, if you want to" ... it's been 2 or 3 weeks now and ya know what? I still haven't redyed my hair. I can't do it without permission and to me, that isn't permission. That's him giving me space and not being all omnipotent like he tends to be because he's not ready to go back there. I wont DYE MY HAIR. I sure as hell am not going to get a piercing.

He mentioned the other day that he likes skirts and I'm going to need to wear them when I move. I bought a skort today. Brain wormed. I need the skort... because I have not worn a skirt or dress in probably 15 years. I WILL most definitely fall, bend wrong or forget to sit properly. I? am in skirt training because his brain worm got bored -.-

On the plus side though he did make me strip for him on skype and told me that I'm his and he wants all of me. Warm. Fuzzy. I am so happy right now. It was terrifying, and I cried... and he made me do it anyways because he's mean to me :) . But, normal. After this long normal is so fucking perfect. We aren't entirely there yet but it feels so good and more comfortable than I have been in a while.

Now, to just get rid of this insecure!

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