Saturday, July 2, 2011

Right On Time

Well, Caels gone. What does this mean? Long time readers know. I can't sleep. I can never sleep when he's gone and can't talk. I've been curled up in bed staring at the wall for hours now. I've adapted to his new schedule so by 10:30 every night I'm in bed and I'm up by 6:30 the next morning. Not when he's gone. When he's gone I'm awake generally until 5ish and then up for 6:30. Sometimes I don't sleep at all.

I've been thinking about it, and I think part of the reason is that he is so ingrained in me that my day just isn't complete unless I talk to him and he's part of it. So, if he's absent somewhere in my head decides we aren't sleeping. And here we sit. Wide awake. I've come to realize just how important and how much I curl into him. I always notice it when we can't talk a lot or at all. I wake up in the morning and roll over to send a good morning text to him. Lately I stop myself because I'm giving him space and this weekend he's gone. Randomly through out the day I'll think of something or do something and go to share it with him. I'll go to leave the house and grab my phone to tell him. At night if he's home I send a text or two to him and we talk a bit. If he's not home like now I crawl into bed and every single time before I manage to fall asleep he's what I'm thinking about. 

And it's that, and every single little thing I luff about him right from his dominance, to his personality, to every imperfection and fault that makes me stay. Makes me want to work harder to put our life back together. I'm done digging holes, it's time to put that foundation back in and rebuild everything. Because in the end? That's all there is, Him, and Me.

Now, I'm off to go look at the wall some more.

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