Friday, July 15, 2011


I'm still in the homey mindset with Cael. I don't want to let it go actually. We went for months where everything was so chaotic that, having him, and us back to normal... I don't want to let that feeling go. I'm not going to lie, I was terrified for a while. There was a lot of silence and frustration for a while that I didn't understand and he wasn't in the frame of mind to explain whether it was because of everything going on around him or things going on within him. It just wasn't there. And it was scary. I woke up a lot of mornings wondering if he was going to walk away. Both because of the silence and because he was so stressed. I've always had people walk away from me when they're stressed, and I know Cael is different and was trusting him not to leave, in the back of my head was that knowledge. He told me a few days ago that I seemed like I didn't trust him anymore. And I know for absolutely certain part of that was that fear. The other part of it though is insecurity. Every issue I had from before he had to go have the surgery, that he was going to come down here to set straight.....they're still there. They don't go away. Yes, I did act out and break rules trying to get attention and that doesn't happen anymore but it's still there. It's just settled on insecure. Some days I'm totally fine, others...not so much. I went for months where him playing with other girls didn't bother me. Now, some days it really bugs me, other days I tell myself I'm an idiot and over ride that issue. Because that's what it is. An issue. My issue. Most of these girls he knew before he and I started this. He had a chance to be with them and didn't take it or tried and lost interest. I know he's never going to go beyond what we've agreed to. I know that he wants me up there and that he luffs me even though he's only said it once. And, I know he trusts me and that is a huge thing with him. Some days though, it does bother me but I think everybody has those days. When it happens I go to him, and talk to him and get a bit of reassurance.

My old form of reassurance was asking if I was his and if he was keeping me. It was quick and easy. When we had the Great Implosion it bothered him though so I stopped. I told him the other night that I was insecure and asked those questions.. and the answer was still the same. And so is mine. I do trust him, he's probably the only person I do actually trust beyond a surface level. What happens in my head is totally pointless, I know that and he's told me that. I think maybe part of the issue that he is around a lot of girls. He is around a lot of really pretty girls, and I know that's not enough for him but for me I look at them and look in the mirror and go "What the fuck!?" self esteem issues apparently. He also tends to collect girls. Not just girls really, people in general but girls do gravitate towards him. Which I totally get. There's something about him that makes you want to talk to him and be around him. Though I do get the stronger end of that draw, I'm well aware.

So what's my point? Nothing really other than getting this out of my head and realizing that's exactly what it is. Something in my head. Is it going to happen again? Absolutely. And probably will off and on until he says I can move *glares in his direction* because it's not easy, this relationship we're in especially with the dynamic. But I also know that it's worth it. That once I get up there or we can actually spend some time together it's going to amazing because he has such an affect on me now it can only get stronger the longer we're together. We function mostly the same way so being around each other a lot, even completely ignoring each other for video games or books... is going to be 1000x better than not having the other one there.

I'm not entirely sure where that came from. I came on to write a post about my camera and book obsession and that's what came out. Most definitely not a post I anticipated. I think the brain worm hijacked me.

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