Idle Chatter

First of all, it's been a while since I posted. I know this. However, I am still sick. Yeah. Several months now. If I'm not dramatically better by monday I'm going back to the doctor.

Considering I've been so sick my energy levels are pretty much nil. My days have consisted of showers, medicine, talking to Cael and on occasion talking to Sephi. Which means I have had a lot of time to sit and think, to talk with Cael, to read and to sit and stare at things for hours on end and completely zone out. Since I have nothing going on, I'm going to ramble-write about the things I've thought of in the last while.

• I was talking with a friend of mine a while ago and he mentioned that his girlfriend was upset about a lack of intimacy in their relationship. When I asked him what he thought his response was they "have sex regularly and always cuddle after" which to me explained a lot. I don't really see sex and cuddling as the only things in a relationship that create intimacy or are intimate. You can have sex that has no intimacy, same with cuddling. To me, intimacy is something that you build. It comes from being completely open with each other. Letting the other person in to the point that they know all the secrets, all the dark scary things inside you. They know the real YOU not the you that you let your friends see, or the you that you put on for others. The you that only you yourself get. It comes from thousands of small touches. A back rub, hand holding, any touching that is done just because you want to touch the person, that's done not for the purpose of sex but because you can't not touch him sometimes. It comes from the hundreds of silly little jokes, comments or moments that are shared.


• Over christmas on the 1 day (literally one day) that I was feeling better I watched the way some of the people around me reacted and treated each other. One of the things I noticed was how some people don't treat the person that they're married to or dating any different than they treat their friends or other family members. They don't differentiate be it because they call everybody pet names and are (or pretend) they're as sweet as honey or they're distant and cold towards everybody. That? would drive me insane. Yes, I like to be treated differently by that one person than they treat others but! it would bother me more to treat that one person the same. It really would. Depending on who I'm around... I can be pretty damn cold, closed off or sarcasm based. Treating that one person like that isn't something I could. I naturally treat them differently. Even now with Cael, I treat him differently. He may not be here, but he gets more attention, consideration, caring, etc than most people do from me. Which leads me to my next point.


• Comfort. I ended up having to go to two different christmas celebration. One at each grandparents house. When I went to my dads family I spent a while picking out my clothes, a while showering, doing my makeup( though part of that was to piss off people who I don't care for) etc. When I went to my mother's family... I showered and got dressed. No preparation, no concern, no makeup. I'm comfortable there. While I am more comfortable with the people there, that wasn't it entirely. I'm just more comfortable there in general, even more myself. (Now to connect the two points) When I noticed this I started thinking about guys I've been with and my comfort level with them. While B was the one my comfort level was best with up to that point... it wasn't entirely comfortable. I still felt the need to hide, emotionally and physically. He was in my head to an extent... but he didn't dig and I didn't open up. Almost a year out of it and I can see a wall there when I look back that I didn't see when I was in the situation. This of course lead me to think about Cael (You all as shocked as I am?). There is no wall there, (or what little remains of one is dissolving) he is pretty deep in my head. He knows things that others don't. I sent him pictures that I refused to send B even after we had sex. I've told him things and then paused because they were things I hadn't even fully admitted to myself yet. When I got upset on Christmas he was the first place I went. And all it took was an "Aww" to make me feel a bit better. I wasn't looking for help or reassurance, I just wanted understanding and somewhere to cuddle up for a while. He's exceedingly good at reading me, it's scary sometimes I'm just more comfortable with him on a lot of levels.

 

 

And now, because I'm exhausted..Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, rah rah rah!

Purdy Flower

Look what I got today!!!



 

Isn't it pretty? I'm attempting to be patient. I may be failing. I want to open it! I want to know what's in it. However, most of the excitement I think is coming from the fact that it's from Cael. I have presents sitting here from other  people and I don't know what's in them... and I'm not nearly as excited. I feel a little ridiculous that he can get that much of a response from me. I'd probably be this excited over a card as well. *shakes head*

And just so you're aware.... I don't only take pictures in the kitchen. I just happened to be there when I got the box and I'm a little impatient so I stopped making the snack mix so I could get it out of the main box. I knew it was wrapped so I wasn't breaking any rules by opening the first box *dances*

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

 

I'm starting off by saying I'm still sick, and I'm exhausted so chances are this post will be rambly and not at all cohesive.

Remember how a while ago I was so into getting Caels help with my diet? Remember how I even looked forward to it? Remember that saying about being careful what you wished for? Needless to say, I wasn't on top of shit and Cael is now helping me. I have diet rules. I have diet consequences. I lose touching privileges, the more I fall off the wagon... the longer I'm not allowed to touch him. Teh fucker? He knows me. And while I technically can't physically touch him right now, I still do little things over text. Little touches, little gropes, things his whim at the time lets me get away with it. That wouldn't be allowed. That? Would drive me up the wall. In person it would be worse, I'd probably even tear up a little bit. Especially if it was for quite a while. He thought this through he did *glares*

This venture of diet rules are definitely different from those I had with B. With B, I had a set amount of calories for each meal, I had to ask him if I could eat or drink anything other than water, and several other things. With Cael? I have consequences and him checking up on me. That's it. Oddly enough, I think this will be more successful. Yes I lost weight with B... but I didn't listen to him. I did what I wanted, ate what I wanted... because half the time he was too busy to read the texts let alone answer them and when he did... I didn't listen to what he told me. Plus, what did I learn other than that I could lie to him and that he could be Hitler-esque when he wanted to be. The way it was set up... I didn't learn how to keep things going because while I ate healthy... it wasn't a lifestyle change, it was doing what he said when I wanted. With Cael it's totally on me, I need to come up with a plan, I need to stick with it, I need to learn what's working and what's not... and if I fuck up... I have to go to him with it. And unlike with B... I know something will be done about it. Cael has never not followed through on a punishment once he said there would be one. With B... I did what I wanted because he didn't stop me, he didn't punish me, he didn't talk to me about it. He just let it go. So, I'll probably be successful with this because I do have a supportive base that's going to keep me on track.... once this set in the other night, I got scared. We basically ruled it down to me being scared that I'll fail him and he'll disappear and me being scared the he actually follows through on punishments. I've never had that before. The fear subsided almost instantly but it was odd.

During the moment of panic Cael asked if I was maybe scared that he'd fail me as a dominant. That actually made me stop and smile. I personally don't think it's possible. Not because I've put him up on pedestal and think he's perfect and it just isn't possible with him. In general... I don't think it's really possible for a dominant to fail you unless you put them on that pedestal. (This is assuming that the person is actually a dominant and not just somebody that likes to boss you around on occasion and have rough sex. Don't know who I could be referring to!! *blinks innocently*) I know that he isn't perfect, that he's going to get sick, that he's not going to be dominant and leading me every second of every day, I know that there will be mistakes with me and in general. I don't see that as him as a dominant failing.I see that as a normal progression of a relationship. Nobody is perfectly suited for somebody all the time. Its how a relationship grows. *Shrugs* I personally see the "My dominant failed me" statements to be immature and pointless.

Now, as I've gotten off track... The reason Cael is using lack of touch as a punishment is because he knows that will affect me the most. I see the touching as a vital thing with people (Of my choosing!) when you're with them. Not touching for any reason other than to get to sex, or having every touch turn into sex... it's missing something, robbing the relationship of something. It just is. Those little touching, caresses, innocent "I just want to touch you" brushes or cuddles, they help cement things in relationships. They add a level of intimacy, comfort, contentment and even happiness that the sex alone wont. I value those things quite a bit. If you add that to my texture junky status... I like to touch. Not enough to be clingy (Despite what SOME people think. I think it's just because this person hasn't had that before that they view it as clingy)... I don't follow the person around(I've seen a girl follow a guy to the bathroom and stand at the door with her hand on the doorknob until he came out....THAT is clingy) or have to be touching them every second, but I still enjoy it. Thus, taking it away would get an immediate response. Smert man.

Now, I'd like to tell you about Bob and Kathy. The easiest way to do this is to share with you a conversation I had with Lady Di.

Lady Di : So what is it you were going to tell me?

Serene : OH! Remember how I couldn't find a pair of my panties? I've figured it out.

Lady Di : Oh?

Serene : Yep. It's Bobs fault. Because you see, the way I figure it the only way I could have lost them is if I was having crazy sex and they got flung somewhere. BUT!! If I'm having sex... chances are I will be playing both parties. So I think it's bobs fault. Kathy pays attention to where that shit ends up... Bob just flings without a care.

Lady Di laughs to the point of almost needing to pull over the car : That does make sense. Hey! Maybe it was Bob who moved those boxes! We'll have to check to see if Serenes panties are in my box. I've had problems with panties in my ass... but never in my box.



That right there? That's why I like Lady Di so much. Then apparently Bob spread. My mom and Lady Di work together. As my mom was walking by Lady Di she heard her say "Damn it! Bob must have been in here!" (where she was working somebody had made a mess of the area) And then they went off on a tangent about Bob. Poor Bob.

Hmm, what else?Oh! Caels present for me should be here on the 21st!!! I'm not allowed to open it until christmas eve... and I got one hint.. it's waterproof. Tease.

Ahem

Just for future reference trying to disguise a temper tantrum as physical exclamation points.... doesn't work. Bastage.

Check In

I haven't been posting as often lately, but I am still upright. I'm just still sick. Seriously, it's been weeks now. I'm a little pissy about it. I'm almost out of antibiotics and still this sickness holds on! So, that is a very large part in why my posting has slowed. I'm sick so I'm not doing much.

Other than that, I don't really have a lot going on. Recently I was given several bags of books. At last count I was given 127 books. At about $10 a book that's quite a lot of money I didn't have to spend. *dances*  I've already determined that when I move Cael is carrying them. *gets ass grabbing hand ready* It has also been determined that when I move I get to pick new kitchen toys! I've been lusting after kitchen toys for a long time. Now? NOW! I get to pick stuff out. Cael is awesome! He lusts after knives... I go for the rest of the kitchen stuff... together we are a very expensive trip to a kitchen center :D

 

I had an appointment with a dietitian a day or so ago. She managed to piss me off. Very condescending and harp - ish. Do not need, appreciate or want. She also wanted me to check in with her a lot. Basically... she would serve as a babysitter for my diet. I do not want that. If when Cael is feeling better, and has some more control of my diet and he wants me to do check ins with him... I would happily do it. But, to do it with somebody I don't know and who pisses me off to begin with? I don't think so. On top of the fact, she didn't really tell me much. Anything she said, I already knew. So, I am doing this on my own (With Caels help eventually, either when I move or when he's feeling better). I've started collecting recipes and ideas for meals. Different things that are healthy so I don't get bored.

Tomorrow I may go in and help my uncle and Lady Di move into their new apartment. By sunday... they will not be within walking distance. I'm a little sad. However, with my cold and asthma(cold makes it worse) if I go it will be just to help unpack boxes and put things away. They're on the third floor, with no elevator, ... with my breathing right now going up and down those stairs would be the end of me. Or, maybe I'll just stay home. Haven't made up my mind yet.

uuuUUGGHHHAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

I? Am having one of those days. One of those days where your mood just levels out and you dig yourself into a little niche of calm and quiet. It's days like today where I want to be up with Cael soooooo badly. Where I cannot wait to move, and wish I could be up with him now. I am in a "Curl up near Cael and be quiet" type mood. This mood sucks when you are missing the Cael part of the equation.

Soon.

(BTW, Hopes a bitch)

Teh Suck

I? Miss Cael. Seriously. He's been busy, been unable to talk, etc. on and off for the last while. When he's able to talk it's generally not long, and it really sucks. I'm starting to contemplating going and kidnapping him.

Consider this a heads up. *Looks around for large net*

Condom Adds.

I had a few giggles today. Here is why

 



 

 

Value

Just a few minutes ago I was talking to a friend of mine, who we can call Jack (we were having a conversation about Jack sparrow and he got pissy when I asked since he was putting braids in his beard if he'd also fight himself for a peanut...thus, Jack.). I knew him before I had settled into the submissive mindset, and I know him still now that I have. When I realized this it made me start to think about how I have changed. Jack and I attempted dating before B came along. It didn't work. The biggest reason is that he is very Christian and I am very much not. He attempted converting me several times, trying to tell me that I may change my mind... and I succeeded in pissing him off every time I told him where to stuff it. While that was probably the more significant reason, there were others.

When I was with A, I pushed and wanted him to lead. He wouldn't so we fought a lot. With B, he just lead, he was in control most of the time. Jack came right in between A and B. Before I started dating B, I knew I needed something else out of relationships... I just didn't know what it was. When Jack and I tried... I was still very much in the mindset of severe independence, disdain at the thought of being somebody who followed rules of another person, utter refusal to follow blindly. Jack, while not really dominant... is fairly traditional. He has the mindset that the man is the head of the house. The woman should be able to stay at home with kids and such. He also has the tendency to order women around... to get him a drink, to fetch whatever, or even dismiss them if they're irritating him. At the time, this drove me up the fucking wall. Now, they're a lot of the same things that I crave. I still refuse to follow blindly, but I follow. It makes me happy to go get a drink or whatever else. And while it may bug me to be dismissed or ignored if I'm bugging my dominant... I get it, I accept it. Now, almost 3 years from the person who fought rail against the very things I crave now.... I have trouble understanding that mindset. Unless I really work at it, I don't see where my issue came from other than out of fear,  and lack of understanding.  I definitely don't follow and submit to just anybody. In fact, I still have the same attitude with others... the essential "fuck it" attitude. I don't care what others think, or how they view what I say. I know some of what I say is absolutely ridiculous and insane.... but the looks don't bother me. The only person I have a submissive attitude towards is who I consider my dominant at the time. I've gotten better at holding my tongue with others, knowing when to speak and when to be quiet but I am still the person who says what she wants. If it's not a time I need to absolutely for sure censor myself...I tend to hear things for the first time with everybody else. While that happens with my dominant, if he doesn't like what I've said... it affects me. Others don't.  So, I suppose on some level I understand the thought process... but when it comes to the person I'm with... I don't anymore. It's not me anymore. There are still some traces of it left,and always will be because it's a part of me... they aren't big traces. They don't piss me off anymore. Just make me defiant at times.

While I liked that girl who fought everything, who didn't take anything from anybody including who she was dating...I don't miss her. She's still around... just directed at others. And to be honest, I'm a hell of a lot happier now. I'm more relaxed, more comfortable in this skin. Since I've melded more peacefully with my submissive side...the rest of me is better. I'm more likely to say something and not care what people think... and take it right down... really not caring about it, not just brushing it off. There is no twinge of regret when somebody gets offended, disagrees or is surprised by something I said. I think that comes from finding the other parts of me, knowing who I am and being comfortable with it. If somebody doesn't like something I've said or done.. it doesnt bother me, because I like me. I have friends who like me no matter how twisted, morbid, insane or ditzy I get. It's like a whole new comfort level, that the girl who fought everything including what she wanted never had.

 



 

Another thing that I've begun to notice and value is the people I keep close to me. When I get into moods... good or bad... there really are few that can deal with me. When it's a good mood, I get giddy and say things that most wouldn't. I get giggly and just get worse and worse if I have somebody to feed off of that has the same sense of humor. When I get together with Lady Di, we've been known to clear rooms with some of the jokes and things we say. With Sephi... we've made Karson tell us "And this is why you two can never meet in person."  With Cael... it depends on his mood but he usually just laughs at me or gives me something else to go off on, though he hasn't seen it at its height.

When it's a bad mood I pull back into myself and get more morbid than usual. I think the only person that has seen that is Cael, and at the time he wasn't as far into my head as he is now. But, I don't really worry about it. He tends to know how to deal with me.

However, I have come to value both for different reasons. I love that I can be myself, even if that person isn't always going to be viewed as sane. I have said it before, everybodys bubble is a little off-balance. Mine definitely is, Lady Di, Sephi and Cael, and even Chris have seen the insane thoughts and hilarity that come with it. Cael has seen the darker side, the angry side, even the side that I've shared with nobody else but him. It's fuckin dark over there... we prep with flashlights just so we don't get lost.  But each one lets me be myself. Each one knows me in their own way. I love that I can say something completely out of nowhere, that would make no sense to anybody... but they get it. At least, most of them do. (*Looks at Sephi* The Stick... guffaw woman!)

*ahem*

It was a little train!!

*Dances*
*Wiggles ass*

 

*Does the wave*

Follow up X2

After I received several emails asking about my last two posts, instead of answering each individually it made more sense to just do a follow up post. So here it is.

First, thank you for the concern. It really did help and make me feel better. However, as it stands right now, I am not dieing. Whats going on has some serious side effects, death being one of them... but right now it's not a concern. If things continue unchanged then it will be, but it's not right now. I do have an appointment next Wednesday to hopefully figure out how to change things. Until then.. I wait. I'm hoping to be able to talk to Cael and have help on this stuff, a base to go off of so to speak. No, I'm not ready to say what it is and explain everything. I may never be, at least on the blog. So, until Wednesday I wait and hope I get to work things out and get Caels help.

As far as the last post... I don't know why I attempted to keep it anonymous. As the five emails I got sent on this topic asked, and stated... it was about Cael. "After all, you've said he's the only one whose opinion matters." Hard to gloss over shit when you've made statements like that. No, it's not resolved. It wont be until he can talk to me, or if he's already able to talk to me... when he decides to talk to me. No, I'm not going to say what happened. He was sent an email that detailed it and he is really the only person that needs to know. Though I appreciate the comments of "You don't deserve to be punished" ... if that's what he decides to do, then I will be okay with. If not, I will be appreciative and will make sure I monitor better. As far as those wondering how I wasn't the only one at fault...it's not explainable without saying what happened and as I said... I don't want that. Needless to say I've been sitting here since last night, unable to sleep, worried about the outcome, hoping it's not severe enough to crush things. Some of you said not to worry, which I understand. But when it's somebody/something important...like I told Sephi, it's like being tied down to the train tracks waiting for the train to come run you over. It could be the huge train that will wipe you out and you'll never be the same... or it could be the little toy train that just smacks into you and makes you pause. Either way, you don't want to be there incase it's the big train. So, if you will...wish a little train on me :)

Breathe

It's 1 am and I cannot sleep. I can't even concentrate enough to read, watch a movie or stay still long enough to get tired. My mind is racing, and it's a scary fucking track.

A few hours ago I did something I really shouldn't have. It was a severe lapse of judgment. It was one of those moments where you see it happening, but it's not until it's over and past that you realize it shouldn't have happened. Your thoughts spilleth over before your brain and mouth have a chance to stop them.

I'm not sleeping because I wont know until tomorrow if the person it involves is mad at me or not. If he's not mad he's definitely going to be disappointed.  Unfortunate part is, I completely agree with it. I knew better, hell I KNOW better and yet things spilled out anyways. Am I completely at fault? No. But it's enough to make me worry and unable to sleep.  Especially since I don't know how deep this is going to strike with said person. I'm really hoping that it's not an unrepairable thing. Because honestly? That would definitely cripple me. I would understand anger. I would understand a punishment, even maybe agree with the need for one. I'm completely tied in knots that it may go further than that. What if this is the strike that causes this person to lose trust, to maybe even walk away? That is what has me up at 1 in the morning, what has my stomach tied in knots and tears burning at the back of my eyes.

Even if he's just disappointed or even angry about it... I can guarantee it wont be happening again. Everything I've said since then has been monitored several times before I actually say it. This person has a tendency to come pretty damn close to first with me. So what the hell was I thinking? I don't know. I still don't even hours later. I need to learn to monitor myself better. To act more like he expects maybe, so these things don't happen. What happened has opened my eyes a hell of a lot.I could have kept it to myself, not told the person.. but I couldn't do that. I can't lie to this person, even when I fuck up. I just can't do it.

Now, if you'll excuse me... I've managed to make myself feel bad enough that I've started to cry. I need to find something distracting. I've given up on sleep, but less knots would be good.

Introvert

Don't mind me.

Today I've been feeling very introverted, very quiet and hermit like. It started last night, just all of a sudden. It's odd. I know that part of it is the cold. But, another part is that I haven't talked to Cael in a bit. Last time this happened I was already scared and worried about him... this time I'm not getting that feeling, nothings telling me that I should be worried. So, while I'm not worried.. I do miss him and I think that's contributing to this mood.

I also haven't talked to Sephani today. We keep missing each other.... she even sent up the bat signal on facebook looking for "Boo Boo Kitty" Everything seems off today, it's just wonky.

Today, as I stated yesterday, I went into the doctors. I got my refills and some antibiotics for "The evil sickness."  Once that was done we started talking about some other concerns and thing that would happen down the road without fixing the concerning things. And to be honest? They're scary as hell. I'm worried about it, I need help with it but at the same time... there's nobody around that I would be comfortable letting help me and talking to about this. Except one, and he has gone MIA. Bastage needs a tracker, I'm tellin' ya.

If You Could Only See The Beast You've Made Of Me

I have to know..Can you howl?

 



 

I can. And believe me, you don't want to see the looks I got trying.Also? By the end of it, I would want to be bound again :p

 

Today I went in and got groceries. I also intended to get medication refilled. Only guess what? I apparently have no refills left. I'm pretty sure I did, but whatever... thus doctors appointment tomorrow. Other than that? I really have nothing going on, and nothing to say.. yet again. Though I did take some more pictures to post here... but teasing with them is much more fun.

Still

I am still sick. I actually have nothing to say today. I'm just blank and content. Other than learning I have guidelines for panties and bras as far as colour and material goes... I have just had a day. Nothing interesting, nothing insane. Just sick.

Take Two

Alright, this is the second time I've attempted to write this post. If it doesn't work... you all are just out of luck.

This will be a mish mash of a post.

First, I haven't been avoiding emails that mention Cael as one email asked. I just either haven't been able to answer the question due to outside circumstances and/or because I was waiting to do them all in one post because a lot of them are similar. However there was one email that really seemed to encompass them all so that's the one I'll use.

 

Serene,

I've been reading your blog for a while, and have actually enjoyed reading the comments you make towards Cael. But I was wondering what really was going on with him. You've never really said. I was also wanting to know how you got to be so comfortable talking about him like you do, how you feel about him. I'm not comfortable voicing those type of feelings alone with somebody, let alone to people all over the world and how you've built the connection that you've talked about. My SIR and I are having trouble getting there, we feel it some days and others we don't. I read both blogs and have noticed that you mention him more than he mentions you (though he totally does, just wondering if you had some insight), is there a reason for that?

Colette :P

Whats going on with me and Cael? I assume you mean in the big picture as opposed to the daily snippets I've given. As I've stated before, he owns me. That hasn't changed. Right now we are about 5 hours apart and plan on trying to be together and eventually moving me up to where he is with him when we're ready. As for when we plan to start this? Not set entirely. We know that I have to be done my schooling so that I am able to move. We know until then that we're both technically single so, whenever I'm finished school and we're both single.. then we try.  It's a matter of going slow and making sure we're both ready for it, not wrecking the chance that we both want. For now though? He is my owner, no matter who I date or play with. He is in control of the sexual aspect... If I want something in that realm I have to ask him before hand. That's the only rule we really have right now. Some may be added as we move forward but the majority will wait until we're actually together. With that said, it's not a rule that he gets final say on whether or not I'm with a guy... but he completely does. If he doesn't like a guy I tell him about... chances of me seeing that guy are pretty damn slim. It's part his influence, part submissive tendencies of my own, and part trust in his judgement. I'm pretty damn perceptive and accurate in my judgments of people others date, but sometimes the guys I date elude me. *shrug* There was a guy a while back, back when I was still ignoring things with Cael that wanted to be with me. I had hesitations with him for several reasons, I talked to Cael about him, he didn't like him and wanted me to be really careful... I walked away. It's just been recently that I realized why I did it. His ownership is pretty damn embedded, and I think that it's because he has been around so long, it was slow, I trust him and it was in place before I even knew what was happening. But, I've gotten off track.. shocking isn't it? :)

As far as being comfortable with how I talk about how I feel. That's both true and not true. Over text, I can say whatever I want and not hesitate. Believe me it's much more detailed over text. On the blog, it's fairly anonymous. Only 3 people who read here actually know my name. And again, it's text-based. In person, or even on the phone... I pause, I hesitate, I swallow my tongue and forget how to speak English. There may have even been a time or two I started clicking my tongue, snapping my fingers and making noises then tried to tell the person it was a long last language. It's an internal battle... I want to say them.. but making them come out is another thing. It's something I have to work on. Cael is always telling me that I say the obvious when it comes to him and what I'm feeling or thinking. And I completely do. The first guy I fell in love with... I wasn't like that with. I assumed he knew, assumed it was understood. Part of why we broke up was because of that belief. Because I didn't say the things he needed to hear and that's not a mistake I want to make again so I've put effort into saying those things. Though in all fairness.. I could probably say them less.. Cael knows me very well, he knows things before I do sometimes... he's probably the one person that I could do something for, or look at him, or touch him... and he'd get what was meant by it. So, I guess I really have no secret to tell you other than paying attention and getting to know each other and realizing that a caress or a look can mean the same as a spoken word. But, if you're dead set on the spoken word.. then nothing to do but work at it. Start small, "Thank you" "I like being cuddled up with you".. little steps. That's my plan :)

Building the connection? I have no idea. I'm not sure it's something that can be built intentionally. It's a matter of talking, of sharing, feelings, thoughts and even something that's just natural. There was always a small connection with Cael from the beginning and it grew as we went. So that one? I have absolutely no insight on. However, I do know that just because you don't feel the connection everyday, all the time... it doesn't mean it's not there. I have other examples to give, but since you started asking about Cael and I... and you want the dominance and submission angle I'll stick with us. There are days, or times where the connection isn't felt. It's still there... but nobody I know feels that connection 24/7. Peoples moods change, and that affects it. My submission and his dominance are always a connection... it's a part of how we interact with each other... sometimes an order or act of submission (such as kneeling at his feet) is enough to get that mood. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes you just aren't feeling it...and that's okay. It doesn't mean you don't have one or that you need to worry about it.. it'll be back. Relationship and their moods/stages are really quite liquid. Always moving, always changing. It's the changes everyday that keep it from getting stagnant, even if that means you need to spend some time in separate rooms, doing separate things. It happens, and it's okay.

I agree, I totally mention him more. I made a post a few days ago with a quote that read "You possess a large portion of my little world." It's a very true quote. In general with these types of relationships, the other person becomes more important than usual because of the dynamic. I found that it's especially true for the submissive(though there are always exceptions). Even reading through blogs, if a submissive and a master both have a blog... the submissives writing tends(though not always) to center a bit more around their dominant, than the dominants around the submissive. I'm sure there are lots of theories on why, but I think it's because dominants tend to become the center of our world, they're what we revolve around, what we come back to.

I think that covered about every question anybody had sent me. If I'm wrong and missed your question in there, then shoot me another email and I'll address it next post.

 

 

Now, for the regular blog update.

Today... I spent all day upgrading, downloading and changing shit on my computer. I'm happy with the outcome so far, but it's a lot of work when you seem to have bad luck with these things. I also watched Sephi spend a large portion of the day trying to fix the main computer. It seems to be running better, but teh babeh is old. .... I know I said that this would be a mish mash post... but after answering those questions.. My mind is kind of empty or anything else I planned to say. So, considering I'm still sick, I bid you all goodnight :)

 

Just A Dash

A dash becuase this post will be a little bit of everything.

I've been hoarding email questions. Mostly because they are about Cael and for various reasons I wasn't able to answer them when I received them. Plus... it's just easier to do them all at once because quite a few of them were the same.

Peaceful

She'd been sarcastic and moody all day. Every little thing set her off. She could see The Look he gave her every time she snarled, she knew she was pushing her luck. But today? Today she didn’t care. She kept pushing, kept pulling the loose strings of the last rapidly fraying thread of patience he had. When he ordered her to strip, something in her snapped causing her to stomp her feet, yell, and curse. She kicked off her pants, her anger soaring as she was faced yet again with the reality that he didn’t allow her to wear underwear, something so tiny yet in the moment so irritating. As her anger boiled up, her face turning red, she tore her shirt off, and turned to throw it at him. Just before she let go, her fingers lingering on the cloth, her face was slammed against the wall, his hand ever so conveniently guiding her there.

He growled into her ear every rule she had broken. Every time she'd pressed him today. As her chest heaved, fear sinking in, her skin grew cold and his teeth sank into the back of her neck. He bit until she was sure that his teeth met inside her flesh and she froze. Every ounce of anger, every sarcastic muscle in her body paused as her mind emptied, and her soul split open running in wet rivulets between her legs. Just as her knees started to buckle his hands wrapped around her wrists, pinning her to the wall, holding her up.

He knew her inside and out and he knew which buttons to push, which switch the throw to bring her to her knees and set her free. As his hands tightened on her arms, she knew she would be bruised and a smile silently curled her lips.

Contemplation

Today I've been thinking. Mostly about myself and what why I can't seem to stick to a schedule anymore. For about the last month or so I've been trying to get myself into a routine. Waking up early, going to bed at a reasonable time, exercising, and filling my day with things that need to be done, should be done, things to better myself, etc. I can't seem to do it. I just can't.

I set my alarm... and every morning I sleep through it or wake up enough to shut it off and don't remember doing it. ... it goes downhill from there.

A long time ago I read a blog post by one of my favourite authors where she talked about having the same problem and that most of the writers she knows have the same issue. That it's something with that mindset, or seems to be. I write, it's not very good lately (getting back into it) but I still do it... and I'm starting to think that she's right.

The only time I have ever been able to stick to a routine/schedule of any kind was when I was with B. He set it up, told me when to be up, what to do in my day... things I had to do. Once they were done, I had free time to do whatever I want. Turns out, I need that structure.

So what does that mean for a routine right now? It means that it's not likely unless somebody takes control of it.

In other news? Still sick. Verrah sick. I pretty much have no voice. Which is really unfortunate because gods have I had some funny comments pass through my mind.

*headdesk*

I'm sick. I'm feeling like death warmed over with a little dash of delusional added in.

BUT! While I'm sick I managed to make soup. My favouritest cream of broccoli soup. Om nom nom! Plus while I was trying to keep my mind busy and not worrying about Cael.. I made a cake, some spinach dip and ground a bunch of my coffee up. So good.

As you can see I really have shit all to say. I'm not even funny, and quirky like usual. I'm just bleh.

I hope to be back to my usual insanity soon. I really, really do. If nothing else, I amuse myself in that state. In this one? I'm ready for the next crazy bus out of here... and usually I'm the one giving the tours in that town. Oh how the crazy have fallen!

Yep.

This? I want it.



This to me, is the ultimate use me pose. And I will most definitely be asking for it, asking...begging...pleading. Whatever it takes.

Relief

Today I had a flash of relief so strong, I was actually dizzy. Cael was MIA for a while for reasons, and I was worried for several reasons. Seriously... like ready to pack my shit and go up there worried. When he text me and told me what happened, I literally got light-headed I was so relieved. Now I'm still ready to pack my bags and go up for other reasons... but I can't. He's told me he wants me to stay here and finish my schooling. Which in a way is a form of getting me up there since I wont go until my schooling is done, thus me staying and getting it done... means I'd get to go sooner. But, but I'm still worried. What's happening is a pretty big deal and I want to be up there for him and for me. But he's in charge. So I will stay here, I will do as I'm told. Though I will be making sure I get updates on what's happening. I will not be in the dark. I spent two days there... and I must say, unpleasant.

Don't you all love when I make no sense!? I promise I will soon :) Well, as much as I ever did.

Need

This right here? This is a touch of possession. This is what I want, crave and need.

Unpleasant

I've written here everyday for a while now. I have absolutely nothing good to say right now, but why louse up my record.

Because I have nothing good to say, I will abbreviate my thoughts, skip details and make absolutely no sense to most of those who read here.

I'm scared. (More like terrified but why quibble?)

I'm not sure there is enough bubble wrap in the world right now.

I'm worried. Like a mother some would say ( :) )

If I find alcohol... somebody will be beat. Most likely severely.

Worst part? I will have absolutely no way of knowing if something has gone wrong, especially if it's gone really really wrong. I'll be completely in the dark. And that? That is scary.

That's all tonight.

Brat

Today I was told I am a brat. Yep. Cael said it. I was shocked. How could I possibly be a brat!? You know, other than the sarcasm I added into my "thank you" to him. It was a sincere thank you... but it needed some attitude. It just did.  I can almost feel the anticipation you all have for me moving up there and being within reaching distance when I do this shit.

So, I am finished my psych... after I was so subtly pushed into finishing it immediately by "Teh all-powerful domly one."  Now I have a day or two to do nothing... until I get more psych. Yes. Moar.

As my brain is drained I am giving you this :


There were nights she was uncertain. There were nights she wanted to run. But tonight as his arms tightened around her, as his breath caressed her ear and he growled "Every breath you take is mine. Every beat of your heart is mine. Every tremble, and every moan. You're mine," there was no doubt in her mind, or her body as she arched and opened to him. Tonight she was his.

A Day Of Remembrance

Today is Transgender Day of Remembrance. The day where we all remember, and think about those who have been killed because they were transgender. The last couple of years I haven't lost anybody. But three years ago I did. She was one of the most wonderful I'd ever met. Anything you needed she did for you if it was possible. But, that didn't stop people from hating her, and eventually she took her life because of it. She wasn't killed by anybody elses hand, but as far as I'm concerned every insult, every beating, every action of hate is what pushed her to the edge and killed her.  

In honor of her, and this day I'm sending everybody to http://www.gender.org   and to http://www.khaoskomix.com/   The first will be self-explanatory. The second is actually a comic. It's one of only two I read online and deals with gay and transgender people. Theres a tab to the right of the site with the stories.  I recommend starting from the first and working your way down, they're all intertwined.


Enjoy yourselves.

I'm Having Flashes. Oh How I Wish They Were Hot.

A conversation I've had with Sephi

Serene: Have you ever purred at Karson unintentionally?
Sephani: not that I know of :P\
Serene : *hangs head* Shit. I just purred when Cael text me.
Sephani: awwwwwww
Serene: I can just see me purring when he walks into a room.
Sephani: haha so can I :D
Serene : *covers face*
 Sephani: *pets*
Serene: Don't encourage the kitteh! 
Sephani: aww but..but....it purrs!
Serene: I can see when we meet that'll be a source of entertainment for you. "Cael leave the room and come back! I want to hear her purr! "
Sephani: :D moi?
Serene: Oui.
Sephani: ok maybe a lil :D
Serene: Smidgen huh?
 Sephani: uh huh
Sephani: but only because I CARE
Serene: about your entertainment?
 Sephani: well yeah that too of course
Sephani: can't fault a girl her entertainment can ya?
Serene: I suppose so
Serene: or not
Serene: No more thinking!
Sephani: nu uh! you already agreed!
Sephani: I win!
Serene: Sigh. Fiiiine
Sephani: *dances*
Serene: I hope you fall off your piano!
Sephani: not this time miss ma'am!
Sephani: I has skid proof shoes
Serene: Fine. I hope you fall off your organ... later. *wiggles eyebrows*
Sephani: ROFL cheeky
Sephani: I like it :D
Serene: So, no more coffee for me? 
Sephani: probably not


 

The flashes I'm getting? They're of all the responses to Cael that could come up just by him walking into the same room as me. It could get very embarrassing. Even now I purr at his texts, or wiggle, or smile uncontrollably. All of that could happen. I'm just hoping I don't get to the point of saying "Yay" or clapping. Really, really hoping.

 

Now, as for the piano comment above?

 



That's my happy dance. Thus the piano. The organ thing was just unfortunate *Nods*

Random Thoughts, Also known as Fuck All

• I have been trying sooo hard to get my psychology typed up. I've spent all day on it... and I'm not even through one book. Discouraging to say the least.


• It took over an hour to cook meatballs tonight. The fuckers just wouldn't cook. I'm pretty sure if I looked closely there were picket signs that read "Eat Chikin" Like those commercials.


• There are currently people in my house. I'm not a fan of people in my house.


• Today I was told that Chivalry is dead and all of his friends followed quickly after.


• I've also noticed that when Caels mood is down, or at least not up like it usually is... it affects my mood. All day I just wanted to curl up in his pocket, be close to him and cuddle and that's where my mood stayed, not up or down... just meh. Then we talked some more and as his mood rose... so did mine. It could be a coincidence, if it happens again then I'll know but either way... interesting.


• I've run out of things to say. Blank.

I Don't Have Wings So Flying With Me Wont Be Easy

*headdesk*  *headdesk*  *HEADDESK*  *HEADFUCKINGDESK*

Remember how I said that Cael has gotten his dominant back and I was excited about it? Good. Because I am. I'm ecstatic about it, I'm actually much happier than I've been in about a year with just the little hints of dominance that he's added back and shown.

However, there is still a missing element here. The play. Not physical but still fun, still enjoyed, still craved (though in all fairness that craving tends to be directed towards him in general but play is part of it.).

The play hasn't happened in, pretty much a long time. And I'm frustrated. Shitty part is, I'm not even frustrated with him. It's not him or his fault, yet when things came to a screeching halt tonight I still got snippy with him. I got frustrated and my first reaction was to just close down. I believe my exact words were "Okay. Sorry."  followed by "Goodnight." That lasted all of about 5 minutes after he sent his goodnight text. I sent a tiny brief explanation of my reaction and a proper goodnight. There was just no way I could leave it like it was. I couldn't. I felt bad, and I felt sorry, and to be honest I teared up(partly my unwarranted response, partly frustration, partly the way he handled it and me(not that he handled it badly because he didn't. Mostly because he's about the only person I've found that can actually handle me no matter what mood I get into(as of yet) he doesn't have to do much to get me to crack, open up, etc and can say things to me without pissing me off that would normally flip that little anger switch. Today it struck pretty hard. One of those odd little realizations. ) and a very large part due to the time of month it is.) (Also, I may or may not be the parentheses queen.) and needed to correct it. It really doesn't sound like much, me just being a little short with him is what most people would see. And they are right to an extent. But it bugs me.  He is the one person that I talk to about anything and everything. He pretty much means the world to me... so, I see me doing these things to somebody I really don't want to. Somebody that doesn't deserve them. It's not a huge deal and I get that. It wasn't a fight, it's not even something that we need to talk about and work through. It was a poor reaction, and in general a minor one. If I had upset him and that had been my response... then okay, I'd leave it... I'd be shrinking down into my shell until he told me it was okay, so I would be brief and wait. It was the tone, and the reason for the response that made me tuck my tail between my legs and crawl back to fix it. It's not something I can personally justify saying to him or how I want to treat him.

The reason I'm frustrated? Because he can dominate me, he can say jump and I'd ask how high,  he has pretty much every part of me. But we can't play. It's been like that for over a year now, there has been a wall there that we can't get around and it's frustrating as fuck. And I totally hold half the reasons for this too. In fact, I started it. I put up that damn wall. As I've said before, he is completely inside my bubble, pretty much the inner bubble that I don't let anybody into (It's fuckin squishy!) yet that wall has managed to hang on. It went up when I started with B. I wasn't allowed to play with other people, and B never really liked Cael much to begin with (totally getting why now ha. ) so the wall was put up so nothing sexual happened. Then B left, and after a while that wall crumbled a bit. We found a way through it. Then other things happened, on his part and mine and that wall got put back up. We're slowly taking it down brick by brick... but some days I really wish we could take a wrecking ball to that thing. Tonight was one of those and I responded badly and for that I am sorry.

So why am I writing this? Because he's asleep and I can't say all these things to him right now, and I needed to get it out, get it straight in my own head. I needed to apologize and I can't do it directly yet, but if I didn't get it out somewhere I wouldn't have slept. And? Because it's hard to say all of that over text :).  Now, if you'll excuse me I have some bricks to take down.

Outlook

This was the view out of my front window today.



 You see that dark line separating the two yards? Yeah, That is a board. There are three more hidden under the snow. There is a lot of it. It's gorgeous...as long as I'm inside.


Now this sight? This is what is in my kitchen right now. Banana bread and muffins, as Sephi asked for and Cael wants. Neener, neener. *The fact that she's going to eventually have to make this stuff for Cael anyways dawns*  A short-lived neener.



As usual, ignore the poor quality. (The muffins and bread aren't that dark....shitty lighting.)

Hi Ho Cow Patty *Giggle Snort!*

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*Trembling Breath*

(Just a note, This changes nothing from previous arrangements other than his dominant is back. )

Today? Today has made up for all the bad that was yesterday. (also, there was a number 4 last night after I posted. My water bottle exploded...soaking me and my bed. According to Cael I "wet" the bed. He thinks he's funny, lets not encourage him.)

Today began with me going grocery shopping. Which lets face it, I love to cook.. so grocery shopping is going to make me happy. It just is. After that I went to lunch with my mother and then we headed home. When I got home I talked to Sephi, and Cael. This is where my day took a turn to "Perilously close to peeing my pants happy." .... I don't think that needs to be copyrighted. I don't think anybody would steal it haha.

I have been smiling for over an hour now. It started when I was talking to Cael about christmas and vibrators (don't ask. We have unique conversations okay?) He is now getting me a christmas present, in the form of a vibrator (Squee!) Which in general makes me happy and feel special. Then I opened my mouth to ask him not to get a butt plug. Why? Because last time we talked about this... it involved a butt plug. He said since it was christmas that he wouldn't. I'm not inclined to believe him and I wont be until I open the box and don't find one. Why? Because his dominant streak has come roaring back!! Which is why I am so happy.  When I realized this, I sent him an "ass grab" over text. This was something that I used to do a lot and he'd stop me, or do something to retaliate. Lately he's just let me do it. So basically it was a test to see just how much of this streak had come back. Yeah. It's almost all back*prances in a circle*. He stopped me and told me that I hadn't earned PDA yet. It's something I have to earn, it was at this point that I wiggled and almost swooned. Plus, I found out he's already contemplated other rules for whenever I'm up there and I may get some more (other than the stretching and play time ones I already have) for down here.  I am so happy. I've smiled so much my cheeks hurt.

My little world? It's been set right today. *nods* Now, if you'll excuse me I'm off to go prance and smile gleefully. (And for Sephi's benefit, mostly because I doubt anybody else will get the symbolism here) You can call me flower.

Holy Epic Fail Batman! (Just plain batman... not Sephi, you see she is "The Batman")

Today, Well today failed spectacularly.

In all fairness it started last night around 2 am when I heard somebody beating on my front door. Now, generally if I heard somebody knocking on my door at 2am... I would not be inclined to answer it. But, this was most definitely a frantic, somethings wrong knock...besides, I live with hunters I'm fairly secure haha. However, I am still paranoid so I flipped the light on and looked out the window. It turned out to be the girlfriend of a friend's father. This friend has a very long history of drug and alcohol use and abuse and then delusions of super strength. I have actually seen this guy burn his leg to the point of pretty much seeing bone and not want to go to the hospital and acts like nothing has happened. Turns out this guys dad had walked into my friend's house to find him laying on the floor drooling, pretty much unable to move. So he took him to the hospital and they pumped his stomach. Once they did that... he had decided he wanted to leave and was literally being held down in the bed by his father. After a year of not seeing this guy (random shit, lack of effort, usual stuff.) they had decided to come get me to help. Why you ask? Because this guy listens to me. Nobody knows why, but he does. He did some things back when we went to school together that made everybody else afraid of him to the point he wasn't allowed to be in the hallways alone, and he didn't listen to the teachers or anybody else.... so they'd freak out for minutes at a time at whatever he was done. When I got tired of listening to them I'd tell him to stop and he would. Once that happened I pretty much got babysit duty no matter where he was in the school. But seeing as how I got along with him and wasn't scared of him, I didn't see it as a big issue. So when he started freaking out in the ER, the girlfriend came to get me. When I got there they had cuffed him to the bed and while I was talking to his dad... he somehow got out of it. We still don't know how he did it. After him fighting people and me finally telling him to get his ass back into the bed... he did and I spent the rest of the night sitting there until the drugs wore off enough he stopped trying to leave.  That, was fail number 1.

Fail number 2 happened when I was talking to an ex and completely spaced out on other things to the point I was just answering and not really realizing what I was saying. That happened until I stopped doing the other things and realized just how far down into the ditch the conversation had gone. Once I stopped panicking I told him that I had to go and he pouted at me and I just shut shit down and left the house. Literally the house. What happened was something I have been avoiding literally for years because it causes fights and a lot of tension. And to be honest, I am just not in that place anymore. Now, now I have to deal with the aftermath. It's going to be very unpleasant. After this happened I talked to Cael about it and he is now in control of my sex life. He has teh powa! I now ask before anything like that happens, physical or not. 1. Because while my judgement is generally good, I have moments where it isn't (as everybody does) like today. 2. Because he is in control and honestly...I would most likely have asked him if I could anyways. So, now "The Man" is in charge.

Fail number 3. While walking home tonight in the dark... I walked into a garage door... that was sitting in the middle of the alley. What the fuck?!

A Day Of Epic Fail

When someone says, "What is this world coming to?" I like to reply, "Mostly internet porn."

I was asked a question the other day about what I wanted out of this lifestyle with somebody, and if it differed from what I would want out of a boyfriend or husband that wasn't into it. Essentially my views and what I want out of a relationship, kink or otherwise.


First, I need dominance. I really, really do. I've tried relationships without the dominant angle... and I can't do it. I'm always trying to get the other person to lead, make the choices. Which will lead to a fight...or several in my case. I naturally ask what the person I'm with wants...even when it comes to haircuts, nail polish, etc.  If the sex is just sex... no force, no pain, no dominance to it at all... I get bored within 5 minutes. Biting, hair pulling, pinning, bondage... whatever, I need it in some way.  I crave the dominance on a really deep and basic level, I really do.

When in social situation I do need somewhat of a touch stone, a guide. I'm not comfortable with a lot of people, if they're new people... I am really uncomfortable with it. I need somebody that will say "Sit here"  "Do this" or if all else fails, just sit me beside them and I will eventually come out of my shell.

I'm a textile junky. Add that to the submissive need to touch their master, and stir in a little "I like you and want you close" and I like to be touching the person I'm with, a lot. Most guys can't handle or don't like it. I'm not clingy or following them from room to room by any means. But if they're near me... I will touch them. Or if I'm feeling the need I'll move to them and get a hug or sit at their feet or just sit near them so I can touch them. If we're alone those touches tend to be more sexual, more random kisses or gropes. But with other people around I rub their back (generally unaware that I'm doing it too), or play with the little hairs on their arm. Silly little things that make me feel connected that I've found most people who aren't dominant... don't like. Or more so, don't understand even if I've explained.

I need somebody that is committed. I don't walk away when there's a problem. As far as I'm concerned, if you love somebody then there is very little that can't be worked through. Humor is something else I need. I really do... or my ass will be bruised at all times. Somebody that accepts my smartass side and thinks that my humor is funny and entertaining, not irritating and needs to be beaten out of me.

Those are a few of the requirements, the ones that came to mind as I was writing this. There are of course more complicated ones, more in-depth ones... but these cover the basics fairly well.

Now? Well, now I'm introducing a new segment here on the blog. I will post a picture, and a piece of writing afterwards. Whether or its a quote, a sentence, a paragraph, poem or story is up for grabs. As is how often it will happen but I'm starting it today.





 

You are a large portion of my little world.    ~ Serene

Guffaw Quote of the Day

" I majored in Talking With A Slur and graduated with a Yes Masters Degree."


*cackles!!*

This.

This right here? I want it done to me. *Looks in Caels direction* Make a mental note dear. Please?

Fifth Of November

Remember, remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot.

 

Seeing as how my brain is mush, and anything I want to rant or talk about... I can't. I'm sending you all here Why? Because it's November 5th and one of us should be learning something, it's clearly not going to be me! *Wipes goo away from ear*  So, go forth and learn! I may post again later, I may not. I like to be unpredictable.

Goo Be Gone

The last few days, weeks even I have had The Goo. The Goo is residing in my head where my brain used to be. My brain you see, has liquified. No real specific reason why, other than a build up of things and my mind just quitting. It packed its bags and said "I'm out!"

Now as I have had several emails from my last post I will update it. Yes, my cat was found. She is safe at home, snuggled in snoring away on my bed where she belongs. My back is doing better. I'm actually able to move now. Though I did spend a lot of time crawling around and have bruised palms to prove it. Muscle relaxers help... though not when talking to Sephi and she makes me laugh... then it just plain hurts *glares in her direction*   As for the thing I wasn't ready to talk about? I'm not going to. If this person decides to then it's fine but since I was in the dark... I don't have much to say. Especially now that it's resolved and all is okay.

And the new things I planned to talk about? I can't yet...it's not resolved and honestly? I'm scared, worried about it. It's a little terrifying. I'll share when and if I can.

Quickie, take two.

To make this post short. The last few days have managed to fucking suck spectacularly. The first thing I'm not ready to talk about so we're going to skip over it. The morning after the first... my cat ran away. I found her but it was scary as hell. I've had her ten years.   The third thing? Well, it is why this post is short. Remember months ago I explain how my back sometimes acted up to the point of being absolutely unable to move, and ended up on pain killers/muscle relaxers just so I could breathe? Yeah. It's happened again.  Rough fucking few days. Now, I hurt, really really badly so I'm going to leave this here. (Almost every muscle is connected to your back.... believe me.)

About The Time I Lost My Shit

That time ladies and gentlemen? Was today. About 20 minutes ago actually. So why am I writing this post so soon after? Well you see... I can explain what happened better here to somebody I need to explain it to, rather than over text. I tend to be wordy and need to explain things and do you know how many texts it would take to get through something like this? A lot. My poor little thumb couldn't handle it on its own.

So, Sephi and I were talking... it started innocently... or as innocent as we get anyhow.

Samhain

Today, instead of explaining Samhain to those who don't know what it's about, sharing poems, rituals and all the like...I am showing you a picture.  That is all I'm doing. Mostly because there is an endless amount of ways to explain Samhain... there are even more poems and rituals.. so, I will let you all go explore on your own and find your own treasures.

Blessed Samhain to you and yours :)

Unbalanced

(Before I write this, I know this is going to sound totally selfish... but it is not meant as such. It really isn't. I know how much the people actually in this situation are hurting, I've had multiple trips to the hospital with people I care for because of various things, some of them the same. So I get it, but I am not in it right now. I'm not meaning to take away from that at all, but being on the outside I can only write what I know and feel. )

I'm sure all of you out there are thinking that me being unbalanced...off center... a little askew, is normal. Well it is generally, but this is a different kind of off-balance.  If any of you have read Caels blog today (which you should have, I sent you all over there. ...because clearly everyone listens to me. See that? Sarcasm thick enough to walk on.) you'll know that he's having a hard time. As any, slaves, subs, slubs, and owned beings can tell you.. when the one in charge is having a hard time... so do they. They want to fix it, want to make it easier, so on and so forth.

Turns out, I am absolutely no different. (So nice to be normal for once.) It is day two of the badness, and while I'm not in it... I'm feeling it. I can count the number of texts I've gotten from Cael on one hand. I'm not complaining about, I know he has a lot on his mind, a lot he's doing and I am trying my absolute hardest to just stay out-of-the-way and be there when he needs me. However, that means not talking to him a lot right now. This is somebody  I talk to on a daily basis for hours at a time, I completely miss him. In the last couple days his ownership has been cemented pretty damn well. I rarely miss people. I can go weeks, sometimes months without talking to people and not even notice until something triggers it. I'm noticing.

On the other end of the spectrum... I have those slub feelings( slub is a mix of slave and sub that Sephi and I came up with...it best describes us) that are niggling at me all day telling me I should be up there for him. Doing what? I have no idea. There is nothing I can do other than be around for him, and every single part of me wants to be there for him. They're those stupid little tugs on your mind that make you want to cook, or cuddle, clean, or anything you can think of that might make things the tiniest bit better, easier, or sometimes have no affect at all.  And yet, I can't get up there, I can't be there for him other than over the phone when he decides he needs it and I wont lie... it feels like hell. I'm actually teared up right now because I can't go do these stupid little things even though they would probably go unnoticed right now.

So, I feel unbalanced right now. Yes I miss Cael, but I think most of it is that the slub in me has finally found something that the pain in the ass in me agrees with, the need to help,take care,make things easier on Cael. The slub has won the fuck out. So if any of you see somebody walking around leaning to one side? It's probably me, feel free to bump into me and try to get the slub to get the fuck back on her own side... she's weighing the other one down. (I'm not serious... please don't go around bumping into people... or  don't tell them I told you to do it. )

A Day

Today, my brain liquified and leaked out of my ears. Anything I tried to do today just backfired and ended up taking a lot of time because I couldn't wrap my head around it. When this happened I took a step back and said "That's it! I'm out!" Why risk making shit worse? I just spent my day talking with Sephi and a guy friend of mine...who we will call Aiden. I did my normal text Cael that I always do... several hours after said text I started to be concerned. It's not like him to not answer me. It happens but it's rare. Then just a couple of hours ago he text me, I'm not going to say what happened because that's his to tell if he so chooses, but I am keeping my phone within arms reach incase he needs me.

So, tonight when I walked over to spend time with Lady Di I tucked my phone into my pocket. Which is really rare. Normally when I go over there I don't take my phone, I just couldn't leave it at home. We ended up talking and watching tv, it was a calming, no need to think kind of night. Good thing because I'd hate for the goo to have to run out onto the couch there too.

I plan to spend almost all day tomorrow over at Lady Di's house. We are going to spend all day watching The Big Bang Theory, and I am going to work on some psychology. It should be fun, provided my brain has decided to work.

Now,  I am off to pester Aiden, trying not to pester Cael, and reading my book. Oh, and stretching. I didn't do it yesterday and holy hell I felt it today. Unpleasant.

Behaving With Cael; An Oxymoron.

Today. I have managed to accomplish fuck all. (Remember that phrase, it will be amusing in a line or two.)  I did my previous blog post and spoke with Sephi, that is all.

I have attempted doing other things, I really have. The problem however, is that I can't get my mind out of the gutter. It's a warm, welcoming gutter. Every time I pause today, my mind wanders. It frolics through meadows, and down cobblestone streets. Whatever path it may take it ends up back at the same place every time.

That place, is Cael. It is a very sexy, lusty, need filled place. The place is evil. It sucks you in and refuses to let you go. It lures you with images and laughs as shivers run down your spine. Have I mentioned it's one of my favourite places and seems to take after Caels personality? Shocking isn't it?

I've been sitting here all day in a state of want, trying desperately to behave. Which, by the way was not helped when he text me... nope, it intensified it which at this point is a love/hate thing. 

Today, every single fibre of my being wants to be kneeling between his legs, whether he's clothed or not... that's the first place my mind goes. My face resting against his thigh, my eyes looking up at him. It's not even overtly sexual... it's submissive and it's melting me into a puddle today.

From there my mind goes having one of his hands in my hair, the other on my throat, squeezing gently. At some point my face gets buried in his neck, being able to taste and smell him... it's a definite happy place.

Sometimes I end up in his lap feeling him pressed up against me, Kissing and biting at any and every part of me.

Even now, with just my mind wandering and him at work... having no idea what I'm thinking, not responding at all, my body reacts to him. It always has. It's like he's had a direct line to me from the very beginning no matter how much I fought. He mentions things to me and my body reacts. It's like a jolt of electricity being shot through me. Thinking about his hands on me... it has the same effect.

He's told me before that he wants me to be so worked up about him that I become soaked as soon as I see him. I think he's succeeded, I'm just going to pray that my knees hold and I don't fall on my face.

A Time Of Discovery

The last little while I've had things pointed out to me, or realized things for myself. They aren't specific to me, to M/s or to anything else. They're really a mixed a bag and it's got me thinking about other things that I may have missed. Normally I don't miss much, but as most of you know the last few months I haven't really been feeling like myself either. Part of this is what happened with B, part of it is losing myself in B and having to regain it back, more of it though... has just faded and drifted away in a wash of all the shit that's been happening lately, and years before I even started this blog as well. I'm definitely still here, the pieces are coming back... but it's a slow process. It's a really morbid, and exhausting easter egg hunt, where instead of eggs you look for pieces of yourself. While situations have made me lose pieces... I've also let them go instead of fighting to keep them. Battle fatigue, I suppose. The point of this is to say that I'm finding myself, and this is leading to discoveries elsewhere.

Before I get into the discoveries I will explain the last couple of days, mostly because without the questions I was peppered with occasionally I probably wouldn't have seen some of what I learned. Like Sephi told me "He leads you to the answer but lets you turn on the light yourself" A paraphrase but it captures what she meant. Lately I've been talking a lot with Sephi's Master who on this blog will be Karson (I can't very well call him what Sephi does, sorry if this confuses anybody... you'll get there *nods*) I've been talking with him because Sephi gets busy or he just decides he's going to talk to me. He be the Domly one over there. In the few conversations that we've had he's asked questions and has made me think about things I hadn't before, or in effect led me to the lightbulb. I suspect strongly that he just stumbles onto these things.

Now that I have explained that, on to the things I have discovered or been told.

First, according to Karson I am a "Crotch Goblin" and no, there is no way he would know for sure. It's speculation... I'd much prefer to be the faerie barfing up sparkles. Except I like oral sex quite a bit.. damn it! Can I be a crotch faerie? ...Come over to this side Sephi... we have sparkles and penis! 

Second, I have come to realize that I am most definitely allergic to Saskatoon berries. This was discovered when I had a bite of pie and my face went red and very hot and my nose plugged up. I'm a little annoyed.

Third, was a realization about B which was spurred on by Karson asking questions. He was asking about B and the relationship, and eventually what made Cael different from B. When I answered that question he asked if I differentiated dominants from masters. That is the point where I sat back and actually thought about it. The rest of the questions were easy. This one made me pause. After a bit, I answered that yes I did. A year ago, I would have said no. Since then however I've had the influences of both a dominant and a master, and to me they are very different things. I respond better to a master than I do a dominant. I've come to realize that while B had me call him master, tried to be one... he wasn't. He was definitely dominant, but he wasn't a master. Maybe if he had been around more than it would have turned out better, but I'm not sure. Cael on the other hand is very dominant and most definitely a master. I respond better to him, the whole dynamic has a different feel to it, I haven't gotten far enough to explain the difference coherently, but there is one. I've also come to realize that I need a master, not a dominant. I don't listen to dominants... I don't react the same. I need the control and power, the force and feel of a master. Without it...  I just sail along on my own without a second thought for the person that's supposed to be in control. With B.. it was really up for grabs whether or not I'd listen to him... he'd say something and I may do.. I may not. With Cael... he says it and it's being done instantly. He follows through on punishments... and I need that. I need the control. I crave what he gives me. I just do. With B, something was always missing. With Cael, even without the sex.. it's more fulfilling. *Shrug* I'm still working it out.

I've also been talking to Kitten and discussing some things pertaining to these areas and I'm realizing things there as well. However, for today I think this will about do it.

LOL

(While I want to write a post, I currently have a very burnt finger that is residing in a glass of ice so it will most likely be a one hand type short ass post.)


Today, here in blogland it is Love Our Lurkers Day.

I know you're out there, I see you lurking! So if you're lurking, too shy, embarrassed, whatever you may be..this is the day you can come out and say Hello! or anything else you would like. It doesn't even have to make sense if you're feeling eccentric. For the next few days I'm going to have the email requirement for comments shut off so that it will be completely anonymous. Give a fake name ... nobody will know! If that's still too public for you, shoot me an email.

Since my finger is really, REALLY starting to hurt I'm going to cut this short. Just know, that I appreciate every one of you that reads my blog, whether you comment or not. When I started I never thought that I'd get this many readers, let alone ones that email me with such caring words. So thank you all.

Now, if you'll excuse me....I'm going to go threaten to cut off my finger.

Triumphant-ish Return

The last while I haven't posted much with any substance, this was mostly because I was processing. Then, the last two days were a bit of a blur. Because there is so much and I can't really put it into a timeline of any sort, I'll do bullet points.

• A night or so ago I ended up in the hospital. I was over at my uncles and he had a few people over. Generally not a big deal until I was left downstairs with a guy (another bullet point to explain below) and everybody else went upstairs for a bit. I wasn't really paying attention or I would have noticed they went upstairs to smoke pot. I don't do it, and normally others doing it wouldn't be a big deal. Except for the fact that I'm pretty damn allergic to it. So by the end of the night I couldn't breathe at all, (see also "The joys of having allergies AND asthma at the same time") So, I got to go spend the night in the ER. I was in the waiting room for hours, so they hooked me up to an oxygen tank with medication in a little vial so I was getting both. Well here's the thing, when the medication is the same as the one you use everyday and had been using all the way to the hospital, by the third vial I was feeling it. If you take too much of this stuff...or rather, if I do.... I get really, really nauseous and dizzy. I get pale and clammy and just gross. So by the third dose I was shoving the tank and everything at Lady Di and running for the bathroom every few minutes. By the time they called me back and gave me even more medication (a different kind thank god) and hooked me up to an IV (Which I don't find painful at all, I don't know what people bitch about when they have to be taken out.) I was over it and wanted to go home. Luckily I got to spend six more hours there before they let me. However I did get to flirt with the respiratory specialist. It's our routine, I come in, he flirts. Sometimes I think he's the only reason I agree to go in, in the first place.


• Now as for the guy I was left downstairs with. This guy in general is just a douche and I have never liked him. He just has a creep-factor to him I could never put my finger on. He's a toucher, when he drinks it gets worse. A lot worse. After everybody had drifted upstairs, he tried touching me. I told him no, I removed his hand and went to get up. At this point he decided it would be smart to grab me, and grope me. He is now sporting two black eyes and a broken nose. There may or may not be a bloodstain on my uncles carpet to mark this event, I'm not sure. I do not like to be touched. He fucking knows that now.


• As I was in the ER talking to the respiratory doctor, the guy with the broken nose came into the back. I don't think I'll ever forget the look on the doctors face when he found out I was the one that did it.  Priceless.


• Moving on to more pleasant and amusing topics, I was proposed to a while ago. Nope, really, proposed. PROPOSED. He thought about it... and still proceeded with it.... believe me, I asked. This guy was somebody I dated before I was even with B. It's been a while.  I left because he did a lot of drugs and I couldn't deal with it, wouldn't deal with it.  So he came back saying that he'd be clean since I left and realized that he wanted to spend his life with me. I told him no. He asked about dating, again I told him no. He wanted reasons so I explained that I had moved on, that I was different and him and I wouldn't work now. That I couldn't trust him, or his judgement enough to let him lead and control me. He continued to push, so I finally give in and told him the rest of the reasoning. I told him that I wanted to try with somebody else, and that they came before him as far as I was concerned and that I would rather be with them even though it isn't happening right now. It wouldn't be fair to date him when he want me for good and I'd be gone the first opportunity the other person gave me. He got pissed off and I haven't heard from him since.


• I'm slowly getting my resolve back for exercise. Baby steps. I'm almost a week into a 3 week plan. Then after the three weeks I'll add in more stuff and restrictions. Right now I'm working on stretching every night and only have two glasses of pop a week and taking my vitamins everyday. I normally don't drink much of it to begin with but less is always good. When I finish this section I'll be adding in weights, and possibly cutting out white flour. I'm not entirely certain yet.


• I've had the writing urge fairly strong lately as well. I may try writing another story and see how it goes. My muse is a bit of a fickle bitch lately so I'm almost to the point of just writing and kicking her ass until she smartens the fuck up. I'm tired of being patient, I've been trying that for years. Not working.


• I'm also trying to meditate more, stay more centered and calm. ( I can't help it when people force me to hurt them though, otherwise it's going well.) Perhaps find more little pieces of myself.


• The last week I've been dealing with the period from hell. I have until monday left. So all together, two weeks. Two weeks! I've cramped to the point of needing a heat pack, which I have never ever done. I've always cramped but it's just made me pause before, never actually do something about it. Considering I can take a fair amount of pain and actually don't mind the cramping... that is really saying something. My nipples have also been sore as hell. I have never, ever had that happen before. It kinda pisses me off to be honest. Even laying in bed has been interesting because I normally lay on my side, things pinch. And I never noticed how often I randomly touch or pinch myself. I definitely notice now. It's quite a lot.

Sephi

Yesterday, my Sephi friend left to go back home. So today I am posting a video in honor of our amusing time together and her safe landing. (Lots of emails lady!)




I thought it was really fitting, at least for us.

...Oh, stuff and fluff!

Questions

The other day I received an email from a guy named "Icarus" and we ended up talking about doing as your told, following information correctly and how we view people. And yes, I did giggle when we were having these conversations and he began signing the emails as "Icarus." When we got to the last topic of conversation he asked if he could ask a few question. I said sure, at which point I was sent quite a few questions and was asked to answer them about 2 people of my choice, as long I would not be embarrassed to show them the answers to questions. Since I am stuck for blogging topics lately I thought I would answer them here instead of the email.

(To avoid confusion I'll do this list of questions twice, one for each of them.)

State who you have chosen to answer the questions about - Sephani and Cael

Sephi first!

1. Who is this person to you(friend, lover, a mix, random)?Friend and other half of my personality.

2. How long have you known this person? Almost a year now I think.

3. How much do you trust this person? A fair amount,  I talk openly with her and that's more than I can say for most people.

4. Have you ever fought with this person? I don't think so, no. We tend to agree on most subjects.

5. Are you afraid of this person?Haha no. Well, maybe when we're around each other and get on a kick as we tend to do... then I may be a little scared but not of her. More of where the hell we're going to end up and how sore we're going to be when we get there.

6. What emotions, feelings, or thoughts does this person invoke? Amusement, trust, insanity. Not always in that order.

7. Do you have future plans with this person, what are they?  I do, and they involve kilts and a lot of fun.

8. Do you think this person understands you? Very much so actually. We seem to be connected a bit, either she has gone through what I am or just gets where I'm coming from... whether it's a place of insanity or not.

9. Do you understand this person? I think so yes, as much as I can anyways.  She may have a different view though

10. Does the mental state of this person worry you, or cause changes in how you view them? Haha not at all, but I tend to have the same mental state so I may be prejudice.

11. When this person sends you  a text out of nowhere, what is your first response? Oh! Who did what/what did she do?!

12. Do you have barriers with this person? Somewhat, yes. She's kinda pressed right up against the bubble... halfway in... it's really a wonder she didn't suffocate.

13. Do you believe this person has a sexual nature? Very much so. Of course I have one as well so we seem to amplify each others when we get going.

14. What is this person fault or downfall? Helping. She wants to help everybody and that sometimes wears her out or annoys her. Brand new little subbies, or friends... she'll help if you ask which isn't bad but it gets carried away and she loses the little bit of down time she has sometimes I think.

15. Is this person intense(very serious)? She can be when it's needed or when she's concerned or irritated by something. (She's like me, if she's in the right mood I'm sure she could make a waiter scared just by asking for something they forgot. Just a suspicion I have of course :) )

16. Is there a force of will to this person? Is it new or has it been there a while? There is when she wants you to do something, it's been there as long as I've known her.

17. If they have a force of will, how do you react to it? Depends on my mood. Sometimes I follow through and do what she wants, other times I laugh at her and stay stubborn.

18. Are you completely yourself with this person, no hidden comments,moments, thoughts, etc? For the most part, we bring out mutual insanity... it's kind of hard to hide that from somebody that recognizes it.

19. If something is bothering you about this person do you go to them with it or keep it bottled up? I don't think anything has bothered me about this person, but if it did yeah I'd go to her. Only makes sense.

20. Is this person somebody you want to keep a part of your life? It'll pretty much be a friendship of emails soon, but yes.

21. Do you have a serious or joking relationship with this person? A mix of both really. Mostly joking though, we always revert to snark, wit and sarcasm. Shit's addictive.

22. If this person is hurt or upset would you drop everything to help them or go to them? To talk and help her yes. To go to them will soon require a plane ride and while I love her to death... not even she could get me on a plane.

23. Do you believe this person is mature? Haha when she wants to be.

24. Is there something you've wanted to tell this person but were too scared to? Nope, I think it she hears it. Good system.

25. How do you react to this person sexually? I'm not entirely sure. I don't think either of us has ever really put the other one in that box.

26. Why do you think you react to this person as you do? We have a lot in common. Insanity, OCD, sense of humor, similar beliefs, similar lifestyle.

Cael

1. Who is this person to you(friend, lover, a mix, random)? Friend, playmate, owner, dominant... there are probably several others I could use but we'll go with these for now.

2. How long have you known this person? 2 or 3 years now? I don't remember for sure.

3. How much do you trust this person? Entirely. I tell him things that there is no way in hell I'd tell somebody else.

4. Have you ever fought with this person? Hmm, not really no. We've snapped at each other or had little meltdowns but the other one hasn't ever gotten mad back, it's always been talked out and solved.

5. Are you afraid of this person? In general no. However, on some level I am. I know he has plans and fear should always be associated with somebody who plans to tie you up, beat and bruise you...even if it's a false sense of fear with excitement mixed in.

6. What emotions, feelings, or thoughts does this person invoke? Trust, safety, calm, happiness, amusement, lust, and thoughts that follow the same list.

7. Do you have future plans with this person, what are they?  I do, and they are our own.

8. Do you think this person understands you? Yes. Sometimes more than I understand myself, he sees things I don't always pick up on right away. ...and then doesn't tell me about them because he's kind of a bastage sometimes :)

9. Do you understand this person? As much as I can without going through everything he has, though I do make an effort to understand more and take in what he tells me. It's important to me to understand him. *shrug*

10. Does the mental state of this person worry you, or cause changes in how you view them? As far as worrying me, it depends on what he's going through and how he's reacting but sometimes yes. I think it's more so wanting to make sure he's okay and not being able to at times. His mental state doesn't make me view him differently at all, but him and I have talked about it so that's the only explanation I need there.

11. When this person sends you  a text out of nowhere, what is your first response? To smile and tease him about missing me. ... or sometimes excitement about spiderman suits and wondering what's next.

12. Do you have barriers with this person?  Not at fucking all. I've tried putting them up, it doesn't work. Besides, he's already inside them... it's like putting fly strips outside when they're all in the house. Useless.

13. Do you believe this person has a sexual nature? Yes, and he's damn good at bringing mine out more than usual too.

14. What is this person fault or downfall? Most of what people would name for him I don't see the same way, so maybe the way a lot of his friends go to him when they need help. Good to an extent but tiring and probably unwanted at times. That's the only thing I can come up with, other than distance of course.

15. Is this person intense(very serious)? He can be but I don't think it's really his nature. Not with me anyways, so I haven't seen large doses of it unless he's upset in some way.

16. Is there a force of will to this person? Is it new or has it been there a while? Very much so. No it hasn't always been there. When we first met I got away with a lot more than I do now, but he's gotten much more dominant since then.

17. If they have a force of will, how do you react to it? Very well.

18. Are you completely yourself with this person, no hidden comments,moments, thoughts, etc? Yes. Every uncool, insane, ditzy, sexual thought, comment or reaction. It's really amazing that he's still around :)

19. If something is bothering you about this person do you go to them with it or keep it bottled up? I go to them. I may talk to Sephi about it first (sometimes things bug me because of my mood, not because they really bug me and she's usually enough to make me see it) but I always go to him with it within about 24 hours.

20. Is this person somebody you want to keep a part of your life? Yes. We've determined that we're stuck with each other.

21. Do you have a serious or joking relationship with this person? A mix of both, it depends on our moods.

22. If this person is hurt or upset would you drop everything to help them or go to them? Very much so, on more than one occasion all that has stopped me from going to him is lack of transportation.

23. Do you believe this person is mature? In general yes, though he has his moments.

24. Is there something you've wanted to tell this person but were too scared to? Nope, he gets all of it. The more afraid I am to say or bring something up the more I know I need to.

25. How do you react to this person sexually? Very well. All he has to do is say something even just over text and it's like I've been electrocuted. My knees have buckled before, and another time I felt everything tighten hard enough I almost fell over.

26. Why do you think you react to this person as you do? Not entirely sure. There has always been a connection there that made me react to him like I do. I fought it for a while but at some point it got useless.