Oh Purolater

I was hoping... REALLY hoping that I'd have my new vibrator today. Not that my collection is small by any means... at last count I had 10 vibrators of varying sizes and function.. some better than others. Along with silicone and glass dildos and the odd clit toy.  But..orgasms still elude me lately. And really, to be honest there are several toys that I'm thoroughly unimpressed with and I was looking forward to having a new toy that I could love on. Oh well, hopefully tomorrow!

I Just Don't Know

I'm writing about this once. one time and that's all because I'm not sure I can handle writing it again.

As you all know Cael has been taking time to himself. The last year has been one huge horrible thing after another, some I've shared but most of it I haven't because it's private either between him and I or for him and I wouldn't and will not share those things. However, Cael has decided for various reasons that I agree with to check out for a while. He's checked himself into a hospital where he'll stay until he's doing better and able to be himself and function well again.  The only reason I'm sharing this is because I'm not sure how much I'm going to feel like writing. It may be sporadic until he returns.

And to answer the question I know I'm going to get :

No, we are not broken up. He's just taking time away to get himself together. I was his yesterday when he told me. Today when he's gone, and I will be his when he returns. All he said was that he can't claim me as his when he isn't even his right now, but I remain his and with him. I will not be leaving him even though he gave me the option of it. I'm staying and I'll support his decision to take time away. Yes, it will be hard. Some days it'll be really, really hard but he is worth and we are worth it. It's scary, but I'm trusting him and everything I know of him and what he's told me in the past. 

I've had people tell me to walk away... but I don't want to, ever. In an email kitten sent me.. she really solidified my thinking with the way I am with him. She gets it because she has the same connection with her master... it's strong and it's deep and it's consuming. But it's amazing and it's something I wouldn't trade for the world and I don't care what anybody else says. I've had people tell me to leave because he's gone right now... you don't walk away from the person you love (I'm not using luff there!) when things get hard and complicated for them. That's not love, love doesn't dissolve because of bad things, it's what pulls you through to the other side together. 

I'm not going to lie, when he told me I was a hot fucking mess and I have no doubt that I'll have days where I will be again. It's natural, especially since neither one of us is sure how long he'll be gone..which is part of why he gave me the out.. but I don't want it.

I'm his and I am staying that way, it's what I want more than anything else.

But this is hard, and I'm not sure how much I'm going to want to write.. it could be a lot or very little. I didn't want to just up and disappear though. I'm still here, still around. Still his.

Twisty

How to tell I'm spiraling down a bit? I no longer use pet names for Cael. I get upset and it's either his real name or master.  It's been a few days since I've heard from him and it's hard. I totally understand what he's going through and that he needs space and this isn't something he's doing intentionally but gods I miss him :'( I understand that because of personal issues the way he reacts sometimes isn't really in his control, and I'm learning and processing it and have accepted it. I miss him though, and it's hard being without him like this, he's mine. And so, I leave him alone the best I can, asking him to claim me when I start to spiral because it levels me..comforts me.  I become totally uncunted when he's away. Not only that but my cunt revolts and disowns me -.- 

Then Again,

Maybe not.

I was going to make another post today since the last one wasn't really a post.. more a run down of what was happening in my head. But, I'm having an up and down day. I go between being happy and smiley and all content and feeling owned even though he's away right now and tearing up with a "god I miss him!" feeling. I be fucked.

Fluff & Stuff or Up Yours!

Dear Body,

I know you, I know you very well. I realize that I am upset and missing Cael and that it affects the way you respond. However, it has been several weeks since you've given me an orgasm and not for lack of trying. I've spent over an hour sometimes trying and nothing. Not even a glimmer of it. Normally it's under 20 minutes ... now I'm over an hour and nothing happens. I know its an emotional and physical response to missing him and not having him around but I'd REALLY like an orgasm.

Yours forever,

Serene


Dear Serene,

Suck it the fuck up. It ain't happening. I don't know if YOU have noticed but uhm.. we don't orgasm if Cael isn't around. Hell, even when he is if you aren't thinking about him it takes longer. Really though, remember when he was mad and disappointed with us? Do you remember how we didn't orgasm for months until he made us? Haven't you noticed that? Come on now, it's only logical that it wouldn't happen when we miss him so. So, keep trying, 2 or 3 hour masturbation sessions if you really want to. You aren't getting anything.  The issue here? I am no longer yours. Sure you feed me and have control of how I move but I am no longer your body. I belong elsewhere and until he comes back and evens us back out I downright refuse to orgasm.

Up yours,

His forever,

Your body.

EC

As I cannot post this post here because I submitted it to Eden Cafe I'm posting the link. I really hope you go read it and tell me that I'm not as crazy as I think I am. :)

http://www.edencafe.com/fantasy-by-any-other-name-could-be-a-disaster/

Well,

Well, I could sit here and type a post about the new cuffs, or the toys I have coming for review. I could talk about how Cael is still needing space to get back to himself and how I miss him so much I actually physically ache some moments. I could do a post on how much I luff that man and how much I value him. I could do a post on the things I talked about with Sephi's master the other night. Or, I could write a post about all the negative comments I've gotten from people lately that's made me  see a lot more than I did before, and despite some of their best efforts has not changed my opinion on how I function, live my life with Cael, and Cael in general but you can bet your ass it changed my opinion of them irreversibly. Instant way to piss me off? Attack me, my relationship or my owner -.-  Some of them hadn't seen me angry, they now have. Others I just listened and dismissed.

I could write about a lot of things. But you know what? I don't need to upset myself. I am happy and content and loved and valued with Cael. He is where I belong, and who I belong with and people striking out in jealousy and ignorance is not going to affect that.

So, instead of delving into my head I am going to go take a nice bath, write my nightly email to Cael, perhaps reply to Kitten, and go to bed because in the end the others aren't worth it. He is who I "luff" (gods do I hate that word!) and who I want to be with, he makes me feel safe... they make me feel nothing but irritation at their ignorance. And that? Only comes because at one point they WERE my friends.

Pleasure Ripples

A while ago Good vibes was kind enough to send me a dildo to review. I can honestly say that I was VERY thorough with this review. I spent more time reviewing this product than I have with any other I've been sent. Why? Well, because this is definitely worth it.

When I opened the shipping box I was greeted with a very large blister package containing the Rippler. It was intimidating, and I don't mean the packaging. The dildo is 7 ¼ inches long, 1 5/8 inches - 1 7/8 inches in diameter. Essentially? It's fucking huge! I can barely wrap my hand around the base of this toy. The "ripples" carry all the way around the toy and while they look rather blunt in the picture they aren't at all. They're rounded and actually flow fairly naturally with the toy.

The ridges do not make it hard to enjoy the toy. I've owned other toys with the spiraling around the shaft and I've always found it more distracting than anything else. I think because the toy is such a large size to begin with that you feel more size than anything else. The ridges are felt, but they aren't drastic and irritating. I actually love this dildo. In the month or so that I've had it it has gotten a lot of use. Even with the use and the cleaning the toy is holding up really well, and I haven't noticed any issues with it yet. Another great point? It's silicone and comes in 3 colours... I have the green. It's gorgeous.

Now that I've told you about the toy I'll tell you about its use. Thing with this sex toy is it is large... it needs warm up. For me, if there is no warm up I don't stretch or hurt upon insertion. It just will not insert. I'll get maybe an inch in and my body laughs and clamps down not letting it in further. If I play a bit and warm up to it I can take about half of the toy in comfortably. To take the whole thing? I need to be at least 3 orgasms in and be very well lubricated naturally or otherwise. So, this toy is most definitely not a beginners toy. But you know what? I love its size. It seems to be the width of this toy that gives me the orgasms. So, if you like that stretching, amazingly warm and delicious full feeling? GO GET THIS TOY.

Oh... I did find a down side to this toy. ... it doesn't fit in anything. Not one single toy bag I have found will fit this thing. So, for now? It's sitting on a shelf in my closet with my coffee mugs. What? That's normal :) It's a pretty colour it fits right in there...like a huge ass tree among shrubs !

"You can wait forever for perfect conditions or you can make the best of what you have now"

I didn't hear from Cael this weekend which sucks, but I'm doing okay. I finally realized part of why him being quiet bothers me so much. He's home. When he's quiet as far as I'm concerned he's gone. All we have is words right now, I can't just go curl up in his bed, or look over at him when he's being quiet and needing space. He's absent in every way right now when he goes silent. So, I miss him, and I miss that feeling of home... of being comfortable that he gives me. And ya know... I'm kind of attached to him, almost two weeks of not being able to talk is enough to really make me miss him.

Though I have to say that the time apart has taught me some things. 1. He's not going anywhere. I'm not saying I'm not going to worry now and then but I've learned that just because things are hectic in his life doesn't mean he's going to ditch me. I've never really known anything else so I've come to just expect it. Several times now he's had things going on and hasn't gone anywhere. Yet another reason that I luff him and appreciate him more than he'll ever know. .. on top of all the other reasons. 2. He's tied into my self esteem, and largely tied into my emotions. 3. I'm owned. I've been looking for a job for months now. I need a full time job with good benefits or there is no point in me taking it. With my medications once I'm taken off the benefit plan I'm on..which I will be if I take a job ...it could actually end up COSTING me money to work if I only have a part time job right now depending on the pay. I found one that I may have been able to swing a few days ago. I read up on it, the pay was good, it was part time but I might have been okay. I couldn't apply for it. I froze. All I could think was "I have to talk to Cael" and totally dismissed the idea until I could. It didn't even phase me that  I thought that way. It was just normal.

And now? I'm off to find something to do.

Oh Happy Day

As you all know I ordered a set of cuffs off of EdenFantasys. Specifically they are the Jaguar Cuffs by Aslan Leather... which is a Canadian company and kind of cool. I am in love with these cuffs. They are real leather, have a silver D ring and seem to be really well made. I wore them to bed last night (as I bought them for) and just doing that has helped them get more comfortable. They come connected to each other, loose in the shipping box so they're fairly stiff when you first get them. I'm wearing them fairly loose because right now my wrists seem to be an in-between size according to the fastener placement. I'm hoping that as I lose weight I'll lose enough that I can tighten them up properly. Right now they spin a bit on my wrists because the next fastening hole it too tight. Which means that they sit however they want on my wrists and as such aren't molding to my wrist with the D ring in the front. Not a huge deal but when you get all OCD about things it can be irritating. In general those, these are great. All of the issues I have are fixable so, thus far I'm very happy with them.

I got a few other things in this order. My bath salts, the Kama Sutra ones that I have been raving about forever, which by the way come in a much bigger container than I was expecting. That was a pleasant surprise. The Story Of O, which I have just started reading. It seems like a good story, but the writing is fairly choppy. However, everybody I've talked to that have read it said it's a good book and everybody should read it at least once, so I am. And, officially my favorite glass dildo ever. The Royal Duet by SSA glass. It's a double ended dildo AND it's the first toy that I've gotten that is long enough to bump my cervix. Most women find it to be painful, I happen to quite like it. I get an entirely different orgasm from it so for me, this is a huge plus. All in all an awesome order!

Oh! Did I mention that my order showed up a whole THREE days early? No? Well it did. Yet another reason that I love EdenFantasys.

And as a side note, the Kink Club is back up and running! Rayne from Insatiable Desire has taken it over and it meets on the 29th, LunaKM will be guest hosting. I expect to see some of you there! I definitely will be.

Day Of Awesome!

So, Cael is still taking time away. He did however answer me on facebook last night just letting me know that he was okay, his phone was dead and he was in the middle of moving but he's not in a good place to talk yet and he'll text me sometime this weekend. That right there? Mellowed me the fuck out, and believe me I needed it. I was in a huge downward spiral to the point my dog looked me in the eye and I started bawling. Yes. Seriously. But, I'm going to move on now because I'm okay.. we're okay... and to honest, dwelling on missing him doesn't help and he really doesn't need to come back read all the angst. He knows how I am when he isn't around, and that's probably the only reason he answered last night. He knew I was getting to the point of unraveling and he knew one little two sentence message is all it would take for me to be okay. I don't think he really knows how much I appreciate that he does that even when he's upset and taking time. I'm used to people just letting me spin and cycle down until I unravel and fall apart in a bawling hyperventilating mess. Although it does seem to be more intense with him. Devotion... I has it.

In other news MY CUFFS SHOWED UP TODAY!!!!!!! 3 days early! They are gorgeous. I love them. My only issue is for sleeping the edges/seams seem to bother me but that could just be a matter of getting used to them and wearing them in. I'm also wearing them a bit loose so that could attribute to it as well. My wrists are apparently an in between size with the hook holes, but as I lose weight I should be able to tighten them up. Right now I have them loosened off even more just for typing.. more comfortable. I got them to wear to bed when I'm having a bad day and Cael isn't able to talk or comfort or just be around. They're like a pseudo collar in that respect. I'm finding though... that I want to wear them all the time. ...I'm wearing them now. I love looking down at my wrists and getting that happy feeling. Might have to look into more discreet options once I move that I can wear all the time, in or out of the apartment. (Why yes, I AM excited to move!! I want to do it now!)

I also got my bath salts in the order. Oh I'm excited. I'm silently cursing the evil red scourge. I want a bath damn it and I feel wrong doing it when I'm bleeding. Yes I am odd. I've also started reading The Story Of O. It's okay so far, I'm not that far in. I do not however care of the way the book is written, but that could be translation, or it could just be the authors style. Either way I'm not too keen on it. It's very choppy, no flow. I like the flow. I even got a glass toy. I can't wait to try it out, I suspect it'll be my favorite. It looks like it's long enough to hit my cervix, I  LOVE having my cervix bumped.

I can't wait to have my bath with my salts and watch a Disney movie, talk with Cael and go to bed. Any day now! It's hope, it's eternal :D

*looks around*

Well, Caels taking some space right now. He's had a lot going on the last little bit, and will be moving soon and ... it's just been a rough week or so. I miss him. I've learned quite emphatically that I do need him, and not having him around lately has just sucked. So, hopefully we'll be getting back to normal soon. Lets face it..without him around I don't have a lot to say content wise.

I went shopping today. Found a new shirt I quite like, low cut.. I feel like I'm being strangled when I wear regular shirts anymore. On that note, I don't know if I mentioned it before and I don't want to go check but I have a cousin that's going to give me a corset. I have a happeh about it. I don't know if it's boned or if it's just fabric but either way..for free...I'll be happy.

Tomorrow morning I have a doctors appointment. My allergies are kicking my ass lately, even the pills don't help anymore so I'm going to go in and see about the allergy shot. One of my friends was raving about it on facebook to me so, I thought I'd try it. Hopefully it eliminates this whole constantly plugged up thing. It's so bad some days it trips my gag reflex, it is not pleasant. 

Other than that not a lot is going on. I'm waiting rather impatiently for my cuffs to arrive. I also have a tub of bath salts coming, and The Story Of O book in the order. Edens having a sale right now and every few days I go peruse the toys and every time I find a rechargeable vibe I want and get the money and go to put in my order... it's gone. It's happened twice now. On a non-sex related front I had some old friends pop up recently that want to hang out again. I'm kind of excited. It's been soo long since I've had friends I can actually just go hang out with and not have to worry about what I say (found out one was on fet, I don't have to hide *does dance of yay*) or do. Most of my friends have just gotten really busy or in two cases gotten boyfriends/girlfriends and have totally forgotten they have friends. That bugs me. I don't care if they bring them along to hang out but don't just disappear! 

And, on that note I am going to disappear to the bathroom for a long bath in an effort to distract myself from the hollowy feeling of no masterman lately. The suck I say.

Ahoy!

Well, Good vibes being the awesome company that they are allowed me to review the Pirates Pendant Vibrator, apparently it is affiliated with a porn, that I have not seen.  It's pretty though!

I'm not going to lie, this will be a very short review.

I chose this toy because Cael enjoys playing in public so a little toy that I can wear around my neck and tuck in my shirt would be perfect. Truthfully, it still is.

According to the site the mini vibrator has 5 Vibration settings. Which, for the size of the toy and the price is absolutely awesome. My issue though? I used the toy once and it had all the patterns. I went to use it again and.... no patterns. The vibrator still turns on  and has three power settings but no patterns. Personally this is not a big deal to me, patterns aren't that much of a pull for me. I prefer the steady vibration. The vibration itself isn't buzzy and irritating, but neither is it the deep vibration that I tend to prefer. So for me, this toy is exactly what I intended to use it as. Something discreet that can be used for public play. It does take watch batteries, but they can be picked up in dollar stores, so don't let that put you off if you're interested in this toy. It reminds me of the many clit toys you can buy which is great if you haven't tried any before because this would work nicely as an introduction toy.

Thanks to Good vibes for letting me get my pirate on(and aiding Caels obsession with them.)

Filler

Well, I have a post due, but....

I haven't talked to Cael in a few days. He's been busy and dealing with a lot. I miss him a lot. So since it's been several days I'm hitting that spot where I get angsty and uncomfortable and emotionally fragile which happens every time he's busy for an extended time. It just seems to be my natural response to not having him around. I did however order some cuffs to sleep in, in hopes that it calms me down and lets me sleep better when he's busy and quiet. I've also lately really been missing my rules, I think I'm just missing him in general and its amplified everything else. And yet... I absolutely luff that man to pieces and he's worth every fucking second of it, and can make me smile just by talking to me.

*shakes head*

So.

Fucking.

Owned.

Bubbles, Bubbles, Bubbles!

I love my new camera :)

Oh, Oh, Oh.

Alright. I missed a post. But I have a really good excuse!

Sunday was the night from hell! But, I'll start from the beginning.

This weekend being a long weekend there was a camp out at my families farm. These are usually a lot of fun, and Saturday it was. I got to spend time with Lady Di and my uncle, along with several other people that I quite like. I even got to spend some time with the guy I blogged about last summer that I drooled over. After having spent some time with him since then that crush has totally dissolved but he's still a pretty good guy with a pretty cool submissive side that I'm not sure he knows he has. He knows he likes rough sex, but watching the way he fusses and takes care of his gf reminds me of the way I fuss over Cael. It's kind of cool to see it from this side, and not being the submissive one. His gf is from another country so some of the fussing is just so she doesn't get into something she can't get out of. But still cool, even if he can pick me up and carry me around. The guy is huge... almost 7 feet tall.

So that night was fun.

Then Sunday I went back down after supper (an awesome quiche btw.) and my uncles friend was down there. We'll call him FW for fuckwad. This is the same guy that corned and groped me at my uncles wedding. Not only was he trying to do that again, but because of my impeccable hearing I heard him asking another guy "What's the fat chicks name?" in reference to me. Yeah. Did. Not. Go. Well. When I was finished tearing him apart, my father got a turn. Then the next day when my uncle and Lady Di found out they resolved to deal with it, which means Lady Di would be on the phone to FW's wife. Last time this happened she was mad for weeks, this time she was already mad to the point she packed up and left him down at the farm. Adding this new bullshit on to it would have made it worse. Needless to say I watched for him in the ditches yesterday when I went into town, I was sure he'd be in one of them :)   Aside from that I talked to Cael about it and he was his smile inducing protective self, and when my uncle told a few of the guys down there what happened I learned that I am pretty damn protected which is nice, but I did handle it myself. After I tore him apart he came up to me trying to apologize and I told him that until he grew some balls and could work up to talking to me when he was sober (because he doesn't, he has to be drunk or he wont talk to me. One of the girls down there things I intimidate him. I am pleased.) we'd talk and I MAY accept his apology. Which I wont, but I have quite a bit to say to him at this point. He let me stew too long, he still hasn't worked up the guts to apologize for what he did at my uncles wedding..over a year ago.

So, yes. That is why I didn't post. I got home and I just passed out.

Other than that not a lot has happened. Last night cael and I were doing our usual teasing/playing around. I make snarky comments, he flexes his control, I try to wait it out and win but always give in and come crawling back admitting his dominance and possession of me. I smile like an idiot when  it happens. I love feeling his control, I love when he lets me play and reels me back in just by being silent and knowing I can't stay away. It makes me happy, makes the feeling of luff and submission well up until I smile and want to curl up at his feet. It's almost like being a submissive wolf to his alpha. He lets me play and nip at him but when he stops playing back I saunter off waiting for him to come attack and pull me back into line. But he doesn't. He knows he doesn't have to, because I can play and bite and paw at him all I want, we both know the hierarchy, we both know that no matter what he lets me do and get away with he is alpha. I'll be the one to come back because I can't stand not being around him and I'll lay at his feet and roll over giving my throat and stomach, knowing he wont tear me apart, he'll smirk and lick my cheek and saunter away knowing that I'll follow him. Because I will, I will follow him whether I have spoken and written rules or not. It winds me tighter and tighter, binding me closer to him. It's a good feeling.

Pick Me Up

If you’ve been reading here long you’ll know a few things. First, I write about Edenfantasys. Second, I am a very happily owned submissive. Third, I am currently trying to lose weight.

Today, all of these things are linked. While doing one of my “I’m bored so I’ll go play on EF” stints, I found some stuff. More accurately I found a waist cincher/underbust corset. I plan to get it as a goal. I’m buying a size I know will not fit and I will until I can fit into it. It’s a physical reminder everyday of why I’m trying to lose weight. Plus! I love underbust corsets and plan on having several once I lose weight. So this? Has just made it a bigger plus.

I was also talking a few people the other day that either sleep in cuffs, or plan to. I got all excited about the idea. It would be yet another physical reminder, this time of Cael and my place with him. I think it will help mellow me out at night and maybe be able to sleep better. I am actually very excited to be able to do this. Even if I only wear them here and he has no use for them when I move, they will have more than served their purpose.

So, those are two items that will be in my next order, along with treasure of the sea bath salts. (FINALLY!!!) I cannot wait for this order to come in. This will definitely be one of those boxes that I’m standing at the door doing happy wiggles as the delivery guy walks up the drive. But that’s okay. It’s worth it! And I know the guy so he’s just not surprised by me anymore, though he has become one of my favorite people lately. He brings me fun things.  :)

Infinite Exhaustion

I am exhausted. I wrote a post for Eden Cafe earlier and it seems to have taken most of my energy. It's about a recent fantasy that I've had and just how unsure and fucked up I really am :) I'll make sure to post a link when it goes up.

Other than that I did some cleaning and running around in town. I got myself a new bra $60
 on for $10. I found some boots on sale the other day that I'm lusting at. Cael decided he needed to approve them before/if I get a pair. So, I sent him the links to look at. They go up to my knee and I really want a pair, whether it not or months from now. I did however learn from this experience. I have learned that Cael is slowly taking over my wardrobe. I don't buy bras anymore unless they're black or red. I'm sticking to the panties I find comfortable for now only because I don't want to get expensive stuff and lose weight and have it no longer fit me anymore. But those will go to the black and red variety unless I find something else that I really like and think he will as well. Most of my clothes are black but that's always been true. I've always liked corsets and cinchers and such but since he's been around I've started lusting at them a lot more. Right now, I still have clothing freedom because we both know that anything I wear right now wont be sticking around, but he still approves some pieces. When I move? Every. Single. Piece. Of. Clothing. Will be Cael approved. Especially since I don't drive.. he'd be taking me shopping. Lets face it though, he would be anyways. I like that he has that influence and control. And for days after I learned this I felt all warm and fuzzy. It's a happy feeling, and I've missed it. I haven't had rules to enforce that happy feeling and I kind of blocked that feeling out until the other night. I've been happy for days. :)

Yesterday I made an apple compote and canned it for my oatmeal... I'm excited for oatmeal weather now. I also made a seafood soup, which my father deemed "Too fishy" .... Seriously? SEAFOOD soup. *shakes head*


Right now, all I can think of is having a bath and going to bed, so I am going to go make supper and make that happen.