I didn't hear from Cael this weekend which sucks, but I'm doing okay. I finally realized part of why him being quiet bothers me so much. He's home. When he's quiet as far as I'm concerned he's gone. All we have is words right now, I can't just go curl up in his bed, or look over at him when he's being quiet and needing space. He's absent in every way right now when he goes silent. So, I miss him, and I miss that feeling of home... of being comfortable that he gives me. And ya know... I'm kind of attached to him, almost two weeks of not being able to talk is enough to really make me miss him.
Though I have to say that the time apart has taught me some things. 1. He's not going anywhere. I'm not saying I'm not going to worry now and then but I've learned that just because things are hectic in his life doesn't mean he's going to ditch me. I've never really known anything else so I've come to just expect it. Several times now he's had things going on and hasn't gone anywhere. Yet another reason that I luff him and appreciate him more than he'll ever know. .. on top of all the other reasons. 2. He's tied into my self esteem, and largely tied into my emotions. 3. I'm owned. I've been looking for a job for months now. I need a full time job with good benefits or there is no point in me taking it. With my medications once I'm taken off the benefit plan I'm on..which I will be if I take a job ...it could actually end up COSTING me money to work if I only have a part time job right now depending on the pay. I found one that I may have been able to swing a few days ago. I read up on it, the pay was good, it was part time but I might have been okay. I couldn't apply for it. I froze. All I could think was "I have to talk to Cael" and totally dismissed the idea until I could. It didn't even phase me that I thought that way. It was just normal.
And now? I'm off to find something to do.