Sunday, May 30, 2010
Before B and I were exclusive Cael and I used to play over text occasionally. This ended about a year or so ago. Since B and I are finished and I have been in an upswell of horny lately, we figured we would try again.
Turns out I was not ready. We got a few minutes in and I had the odd tear... which I honestly was expecting. But, then he hit a button I didn't know I had. I think awhile ago I posted about how B was teaching me how to beg... we never finished that lesson, we were still in the process when he pulled his Houdini act. Cael asked me to beg... and I started to bawl. Which I was not expecting at all. However, considering that 1 I hadn't really cried over this yet and 2 I'm perilously close to my period.... it really was bound to happen I guess. I cried... and cried..and cried until I ended up getting sick. Be it the crying or just a physical response, I don't know. But it happened and it taught me I need to go a little slower.
I'm pretty much fine in general but sexually I'm not there yet. And that's okay because I will be eventually.
As promised :
That is all for today I think, I have a ton of stuff to do today. Joy.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
I have one or two that show more skin... but ya know, this way I get to tease Cael and that totally appeals to me right now :)
Ps. I'll post another one in the explanation post. It has lace and peekaboo panels. (See previous teasing statement for the reasoning for that comment :) )
His hands around my throat,
My legs wrapped snuggly over his hips, mind drenched in the feel of his skin
His teeth sinking deep into my flesh, a contented sigh
My breathing stops and chest betrays
Eyes squeezed shut
Foreign fingers caress my body
A cheerful ring and eyes snap open,
My own fingers roam my curves
But anothers words,
Not his, not anymore
Again my chest betrays me,
Heaves deep until it hurts to breathe
Tears burn trails, just as deep from my eyes,
As air rushes back in, searing down my once claimed throat
Again teeth sink into my skin,
A refusal to whimper to give this a voice
A rebel on its own, my stomach churns,
As it creeps up my throat and spills forth
Not yet, not ready yet.
Friday, May 28, 2010
First, my plants are inside right now. It's been rainy and cold here for days. In fact,it rained for two days straight not that long ago. It's just too cold for them to be outside and survive. Because of this I have held off on getting more. Lugging around 15 pots just does not seem to appeal to me in the least.
I got shoes for the wedding. I think I am returning said shoes. They are a size and a half bigger than what I normally wear... and they still hurt my feet, but going even bigger my feet fall out of them. Figure that shit out, I think it's the cut of it honestly. I'm going to be wearing them for 6+ hours... I need comfortable shoes. I refuse to blister! The blister does not exist! (I can't help but feel that I am the only one that will get that joke.)
I still have no pants. Hee.
B and I are certainly done, there is no "but what if" left. At least not in my mind. If he came back and wanted to try again... maybe... serious restrictions provided of course. BUT! I know this because he spent what, 2 hours, 3? Watching the finale of Lost. He can take that much time out but doesn't take 2 seconds to text....even on commercial breaks? Yeah. Done. I say fuck it, move on.
I waxed my eyebrows last night. Ouch. There are other places that need to be waxed, none of them the usual places people wax but ya know... I lack the courage.
I finished waxing and I was wet.... I had a "What the fuck?" moment with that. Who gets wet when they wax? I wasn't even waxing anywhere near anything that could potentially cause that.
I'm having an upswell of horny lately. There is a "I wants to has a play!" fever going around, I'm sure of it. Watch out Sephi, it's gonna get you!
I go in 9am Tuesday to get my hair done did. Still not entirely certain what I'm doing with it.
A few months ago one of my fathers friends added me on Facebook. No big deal, I've known the guy since I was 11 so it's not like it was out of the blue. Since adding him however, my respect has diminished steadily. When you're in your thirties and are still single and blaming it all on the girls, it's not always the girls. Granted he has dated some wing-nuts. When you threaten to delete your Facebook account when you're upset, and you're a grown man; it can rub people wrong. When the daughter of your friend is more mature than you are, is smarter about her drinking, doesn't dwell on relationship failure (even though hers was almost 2 years and yours was not even 2 months) as much as you do, and is smarter about your child support payments... maybe you should re-evaluate what you're doing.
When you and the girl you were with break up, lay off. Be it 2 months, or 20 years... you're done, you need to step back. Harping on things only makes you look petty. Getting upset and badgering people to find things out about her when she cuts you off, is not your best route. Neither is finding out what she's doing, getting upset because she's changed and then speaking out about it and thinking you're in the right. Again, respect lost.
(My personal favourite) When you pride yourself on your intelligence, your writing abilities, and are just all around smug about how great you are... use fucking spell check. It's "SuRprise" not "Suprise" ... nice try though. It does however provide entertainment for your ex aka ME!, so ya know... keep it up!
I spoke to my advisor the other day. We determined that I'll be taking a course or two over summer. I just have to take them home, I don't have to do them. If I want I can keep them until September and work on them then. We also decided that I'm going to take a BIO course or two, a couple more psych classes, and a foods course. Doing these courses keep my options open. I can either take the BIO and psych and go into something in the health field. X-ray tech, psychologist, etc. Or, I can continue with what I want and take a journalism course and become a writer. I don't necessarily want to be a journalist but some of the classes for it would be helpful in writing anything. If I really wanted I could go to school something in the medical field and write in my spare time. Or get a random job (as long as it supports me) and write in my spare time, and if I so choose, go back to school for either journalism or the medical options I listed. I have a lot of options right now. A lot of thinking to do. I has a ponder coming on.
As I was typing that last paragraph I watched my cat jump onto the table where the laundry was stacked, sniff over the clothes until she found my pile (it's always my clothes) and pull off the first few shirts to get to the black on. Then she popped-a-squat. (sitting, sheesh) She loves my clothes, and especially loves my black coloured clothing. Oh my kitteh.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Things I have done/ said that amuse me in bullet styles!
- My ex asked to be entertained. I said I couldn't do it, he told me I had boobs, I should always be entertained (He's a charmer) and then asked why I wasn't. Apparently "Because I have an IQ over 15" is the offensive answer. I thought it was the true and funny one.
- I met with my advisor today, we discussed me doing a foods course and possibly taking a journalism class at the college. She asked if I had taken a job search test. I said I had years ago. She told me that who I was then and who I am now are two different people. I laughed and said "It's probably 3 people. Hell, I'm two people most days."
- That guy I wrote the post about the other day? Yeah, he proved stupid. I had suspisions about it early on but boy did he prove it. Once you reach 22 peeing on things as revenge is ridiculous. My mother asked what I thought about him now, I said "He's pretty. He can sit in the corner and be pretty but he shouldn't talk. It ruins the illusion."
- After talking to Chris about guys, I asked him "Are you a rare breed? Is there more of you? Is there a store!! I want one this tall, with this IQ, this personality...... and a remote..with an off switch! Where do the batteries go?"
And now for a quote... can any of you guess where it's from?
"Well ____ once again you're stuck between a rock and a crazy place."
"I hate when that happens!"
Monday, May 24, 2010
Why am I telling you this? Well, I picked a fucking scab and it didn't bleed. I was talking to Cael (that name fucks me right up, I always go to type his real name first) about my body issues, and lack of self-esteem and where they come from. We got on to the topic of Chris. Chris and I used to flirt and tease each other and liked each other quite a bit. Over the last year this has changed as I've written about before. Once Cael and I had talked about it... I wanted to know why. I needed to know why. I function better and feel better when I know what I'm dealing with. Leave me out in the dark to stumble around grasping at ideas on my own I will get pissed of and attempt to beat the person over the head with whatever idea I find until the contents of their brain leak out and I can pick through and find what I want. ... Dark side? I know for not what you are talking!
After a minute of contemplation I text Chris and asked him why. He answered me honestly, not wanting to be beaten about the head obviously. His reasoning was pretty good. Basically, he needed time to get his shit together and he has trouble doing that with a girl. He also thinks that we're too close and too good of friends, he wouldn't have anybody to talk to anymore. He doesn't like to share quite as much with his gfs as he has with me which I don't understand. I'm always the same dating or not. If I'm going to say it, I'm going to say it. The domination and playing is another thing. He doesn't think he could ever give me what I needed out of that. Which he is soo wrong in. He totally has the dominant traits and I know he likes rough stuff but he isn't ready to admit that stuff yet so, nothing I can do there.
I also asked him if my weight reasoned into this because I was curious about it. He said for a one night stand,it would. For a relationship, not so much though he wasn't certain how it would work sexually. He's never dated a girl over 140 pounds. All honest answers, all reasons why I have been friends with him for almost 12 years and why he is one of the only people I can stand to be around for long periods of time. He doesn't sugarcoat things with me, I want answers, I get them. We both seem to abide by the "If you didn't want to know then you shouldn't have asked," theory.
I've always been one to tear the band aid off. I'd rather know than be in the dark. Even if it was a guy I was dating and the question hurt enough I cried as I asked it.. I always ask it. Honesty and nothing less.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
It's three in the morning and I cannot sleep. Why? Because I keep thinking about this guy I met. Which for me is quite odd considering I've met him twice and barely talked to him. Thus I have no gauge for his personality and that's usually very important. But, he's hot. Very, very hot. Dark hair, these gorgeous, piercing blue eyes that just suck you in, thick build, and tall. I loves me tall boys. I have never dated a guy under 6'1'' ... I don't know why, but that's the way it is. Tall attracts me. Thick body attracts me... He has both. He also has a girlfriend... a ditzy, cuntish (and not the good kind, the "she fucks him around kind") one but one nonetheless.
I've been laying here trying to think of a way to plays with him at the wedding. I've come up with nothing. Chances are he'll have dumped the girl by then but...by looking at his current gf.. I don't think I'm his type. At least physically. That however is not stopping the "I wantsta has a play!" thought process I have going on. This was worsened when he made a comment the other night about how he likes rough sex. My eyes widened, my pulse sped... and honestly, my chest swelled a little bit. I sat there thinking "Don't say anything, don't say anything, don't say anything!" Too many family members around... damn it.
I spent the whole night trying to focus on something else, talk to other people. Everytime there was a lull in conversation my eyes wandered until they found him. ...22, tall, totally sexable and kink vulnerable *jaw begins to vibrate* "Jashashasha" Words fail. Thing is... he's thick enough that you could sink your teeth into his flesh and it would be soooooo good. I wonder about his teeth... I hope they're sharp. Bruises are craved.
It's one of those moments where I am forced to look down at my crotch and go "No! We know almost nothing about this boy! He could be a moron! Hot is not enough!" ..and then you hear in the faint distance "...but it is." Now you guys are hearing my vagina talk too, it's no longer just me. Welcome to the circle...
...If you can think of any way for me to welcome this guy to the circle too let me know *nods*
Now, on to more pleasant topics. As we speak...type... as you read.. I am sitting out on the back deck with a cup of mango passionfruit acai berry tea, soo good. It's a fairly nice day. (She says as the wind picks up... damn it!). I enjoy sitting out here by myself, well mostly, the dog is with me but she doesn't speak much. Though I do tend to talk to her quite a bit, I figure that it's better than imaginary friends. Speaking of out on the deck... I had some of my basil the other day...I'm pretty sure that I am in love with those plants. So yummy! The chives are good too but not nearly as good as the basil... I have a thing for it right now. Cheap thrills people! I plan on getting some more plants on Tuesday, I'm not sure what yet though.
Hmm, what else? I need pants for the wedding. And shoes... and possibly nylons depending on what kind of shoes I get. Really, I have nothing to dress the lower half of my body. It could be a problem. Speaking of the wedding and clothing. Chris has decided he's going to dress up like a cowboy for it. Why? Because it is a bike (the vroom vroom kind) themed wedding, thus he will be the cowboy and he's trying to get me to dress up as a construction worker and we'll be part way there... village people... yeah, he thinks he's funny. Lady Di (uncles fiance... I've gotten tired of writing an entire sentence just to say who I'm talking about) loves the center pieces... good thing because I am not redoing them! I lost enough skin to them as it is.
I've been talking to a guy I used to be somewhat involved with again. We'll call him Mark. Gotta say, I didn't think flirting would come back this quickly. On some level I think I know it's done because I've flirted with somebody when I was with somebody else. This time however, it's just coming out and then I'm left sitting there going "Oh shit! Outside voice!" Lately I have learned that just because B and I are most likely done, doesn't mean I need to be alone. I definitely will be for a while, but I do have options. One of those "options" however, Chris does not like at all. Though honestly, he's never liked anybody I've dated or even liked, he admitted once that it was jealousy, but since he says that door is closed... why is he still not liking these guys? My ex has also resurfaced. For months there he was great, no fights, no stepping over boundaries. BUT! the second he heard that I hadn't talked to B in a while... He started pushing boundaries, breaking them again. Slow learner.
Last night I ended up down at the piece of land my family owns. It was farm land but since nobody here farms anymore that part has gone away. It now just houses a gravel pit and a get together site. There is an official name, but since my uncle first started it, it had gotten really big and saying it on here would give away who I was to a lot of people. Plus, I know there is one bike group that does occasional searches on their gang name and the name of the gathering place, even though they have nothing to do with it since my uncle died... but really, it would just be one big shit storm, so it's the get together site. Every May long weekend my uncle (different uncle) goes down there with a group of friends to camp. So last night I ended up down there. It was pretty fun, until I ended getting annoyed and sporting a headache. But I'll start from the top. I got down there and Lady Di scooped me away from everybody so her and I could talk alone, she was tired of people. We ended up over by the big fire pit and slowly but surely everybody else trickled over there. Now this group is generally good, but there are a few who do drugs. I have no interest in that, so I always turn them down... but sitting beside 6 people who are smoking pot and drinking "tea" ... you get a headache. Once all of that was put away, one of the guys that has a business making alcohol brought out some stuff. He had a coffee drink... which I would have tried but everybody was drinking out of the same bottle and that grosses me out... way too OCD for that. He had another drink he called pig snot... it was bacon flavoured vodka... seriously? There is a reason that hasn't been made before. Who wants to drink bacon?! It's wrong on so many levels. Later in the night he ended up bringing out alcohol soaked cherries... and holy hell. I'm pretty sure they were soaked in boat fuel. It wasn't long after this I had my thinking on girls reaffirmed. There was a guy down there, 22 years old, nice guy... a little immature but most people are at that point. I'm not older than he is but my maturity level sure seems higher. He brought a girl down there... she was short, if she was 5'3'' I'd be surprised. She drank a lot, and smoked a lot, to the point you really couldn't understand her. She got it in her head she wanted to leave... well she lives over an hour away... the guy offered to take her home, she said no, just take me in to the City (only 10 mins away). So he did, and she insisted on being dropped off at her friends work and he drove by and asked her 3 times before he came back to the get together place if she wanted a ride home. She said no and basically told him to screw off, so he came back down, drank, had some cherries... and then this girl calls and makes him feel like shit for leaving her and badgers him into going to get her to the point he was almost in tears he felt so bad when he left. That's just shitty, especially when this person is supposedly somebody you care about. Just not right.
Another thing I learned... if you're standing there drinking "tea" and smoking pot while complaining about your child doing drugs... you've kinda lost any sympathy or authority there. Same thing if you drink like a lush all day and get mad when your son drinks two beers in 20 minutes when he's 15. You dropped the ball, and gave the kid that kind of authority figure... kinda hard to bitch about it when you did it. Some people I just don't understand. And Chris always wonders why I'm not a fan of people... HA!
Edit** totally forgot to explain the title. I'm changing my blog layouts and themes and such for a while until I find things I like. I'm doing the same with my person at the moment.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Broke on my diet. Had very bad things.
Walked into my bedside table... took a gouge out of my knee... may need stitches.
In the words of Joey "Oh de phuef! " ... translated I believe it means either "Son of a bitch!" or "Oh my fuck"... either way... I dread the coming hours.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
First I went to the greenhouse and got these :
Those are 4 tomato plants, 4 pepper plants, 4 basil plants and 4 chives plants. I plan on getting parsley, onions, lettuce, and several other things. This was just the first trip, in order to do it so it doesn't financially hurt I have to go back every few weeks instead of just getting one big load. They're just in smallish containers right now and will probably need to be transferred but for now they work. Plus, they're dollar store containers... they don't come in large sizes and until I see whether or not I can keep them alive I don't see the point in spending a lot of money to get big pots just yet. I know potting and re-potting plants isn't good for them but my aunt owns a gardening business so if it needs to be done at least they can be done properly with minor damage to them.
For a while I wasn't sure if I wanted to move forward with this idea or not. I think part of that was because I was in a slump. So to get out of this slump I just went and did it. This way I have something to do, something that's mine and I'm branching out. All good things.
Just as an add on... oh my gods! I found chocolate covered coffee beans in the dollar store...so good. I also found jolly ranchers.... I haven't been able to find those for years. My day kinda rocked.
What else did I do you ask? Why, I'll tell/show at the end of the post because I'm debating whether or not to do something dirty to it.
Yesterday however, was also a productive day. Remember those center pieces I showed you all in my last post? Yeah, I made 26 of those. We of course got fake flowers, and as such... the green leaves needed to be glued to the dish. I glued them there... along with my finger several times. We ended up using white sand and then adding a layer of black rocks to the top. Have you ever tried finding black sand? Holy wow. The only place we found some was at the pet store for fish tanks and it was too expensive to make 26 centerpieces with. They turned out really well, my uncle loves them and his soon to be wife hasn't seen them yet but I'm sure she'll like them. As an added funny for you, guess who accidently glued a flower to themselves? As if it wouldn't be me, Ha! I had to glue the flower tips so the leaves would stop sliding down... as I was reaching forward for another flower, my chest must have pressed against the wet glue of another flower. I sat back and had a blue rose dangling from my boob. Yep. Not everybody can be as coordinated and cool as I am. It's really a burden.
I'm back to hoping Chris can make it to the wedding with me, he may be getting a new job (Yay!) but that means he may not get the day off. I'm really praying.... I do not want to go alone. My family, yes... but sitting there all night without anybody to really talk to would really suck.
The long-awaited ( a whole two minutes!) second thing I did today.....
was go clothes shopping. I managed to find my top for the wedding. It's a really pretty colour and it's not black which just shocked the hell out of me when I realized that I liked it. You can't tell from the picture but it's a really pretty robins egg blue.
I also got a sheer black top to go over it, just cause... who doesn't want a sheer black top?! For both tops I ended up paying $16 .... when normally they would be about $50 each. I loves bargain shopping.
Honestly, I'm a little excited about my shirts. It's so rare that I find something that fits and looks good and doesn't make me feel like I need to chop off an arm to pay for it.
So the wedding is coming up at the end of June.. but the weekend before that is the Bridal shower... I'm looking forward to that. Drinks, funny people, insane comments. I can only pray that Deb will be there. She is very much a hippie.... in every sense of the word. The easiest way to explain it... don't ever eat or drink anything she gives you before verifying what exactly is in it. My uncles fiance ate 3 cookies before she was told... it was an interesting night.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
I'm going into town tomorrow with my grandmother and soon to be aunt. We're going dollar store hopping to get wedding stuff. We decided that she would use my mothers bouquet, it's white flowers, greenery and baby's breath. Of course the roses are fake but the baby's breath was real and now its 20 + years old and its dead but it looks so pretty so we're leaving in the dead flowers. We also figured out what to do for center pieces and I have to say, it's going to look awesome. It's a clear glass dish filled with black sand and one white or purple flower in the center with long thin leaves tucked into the edges, forming a cage around the flower. Kind of like this but with sand and only one flower. This was a close second though. My uncle liked the first one more though so that's what we're going with. So I get to sit and make 25 or so of them. Woo. Actually, I'm kind of looking forward to it. It'll give my mind something to focus on and I haven't done anything creative in a while.
I think on monday I'm going to phone and make a hair appointment. I think I'm just going to get it cut however short I feel like at the time, get it layered a bit and get my bangs cut vertically like I normally do. I can't find anything I'm in love with so that be what I are doing. Waxing is also something I'm contemplating right now. Eyebrow waxing, that is. My eyebrows are fairly thin to begin with so it's kinda hard to do too much with them or I get the evil arch, no end of eyebrow look going on. The shape of my eyebrows are good, I just have stray hairs I need to get rid of and with my eyes being wonky and not having glasses tweezing is really a pain. Half the time I don't even get the hair. It's ridiculous.
Friday, May 14, 2010
I did however manage to do some time on the stationary bike this morning. Didn't meet my goal but I'm just starting to that's okay. I just want to do a whole week of exercise without getting discouraged. Learning was had as well. I discovered that while using the bike the part of me that gets the sweatiest is my ass. Yep. That was an odd discovery.
While I was on the bike I was thinking. Did you all hear the "Dun Dun Duun!" music too? I'm going to try to get back into the habit of posting pictures of my food. I had taken more pictures before and just never posted them. Adding more to my recipe page is another thing I'm going to try to do. I'm contemplating adding my Broccoli soup to the tab.
Speaking of repsipees I've gone through my grandmothers entire box... the first of three not including the books. I found her butterhorn, chocolate chip cookies, buttertarts, and my Aunts chinese food recipes. So many yums!
I've been contemplating adding a few pictures of me to the site. None of my face obviously but random body parts, my hair when it gets cut and dyed. hopefully doing it will help me get over my self-conscious ways or at least bring me out of my shell. I'd do HNT but I don't see me wanting to do it every week. Being free to do it whenever I want or as much as I want sounds much better.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Let us start this horrid tale from the beginning shall we?
I woke up and went to the bathroom.... I flush the toilet and a little piece in the tank breaks. I start my morning off glueing a toilet.
I go out in to the living room and turn too soon, walking into a wall.
Later I sit and try to do some school work... my brain is freaking jello. I'm reading the words, but they aren't registering or making sense. I may as well be reading greek... pretty words but they mean shit to me.
I place book back on pile of books... which then all fall down on my toe. Score.
I text Sephi and find out her day is going worse than mine, my poor Sephi friend.
I begin making my nommylishous soup. I blend the broccoli down, thicken the soup... and taste it... isn't tasting right. Why? 1 because I forgot to get the flavour packet I normally add and 2 I did not mix the thickener with the water the broccoli was cooked in so I lost nutrients and flavour.
I cook soup more hoping that it eventually evens out... taste it and burn my tongue. Does taste better though.
I finally give up the fight to stay awake and have an hour long nap. During which I dream about my soup boiling over.
I wake up, go to the bathroom, wander into the kitchen and the fucking soup boiled over! It was in a slow cooker so it was set on a counter and not a burner thank goddess but fuck me sideways it was a mess! All over the counter, the cupboards and the floor. I saved the stuff on the counter and honestly there is still a lot of soup and it tastes fine but guess who has to wash the floor!? Yeah... it's me!
Best part is... it's not even 5 o' clock here people. I'm scared to cut the bread, I may walk away with knife wounds.
Thus, my first exercise goal is being set. I want to ride the stationary bike every day for a week for at least half an hour and go for a walk at least every other day.
I'm taking my weight loss goals 10 pounds at a time as to not overwhelm myself.
I'm still looking for a DVD. I found a 3 DVD box set by Jillian Micheals ... it had 30 day shred, Ban fat boost metabolism and yoga melt down. All of them have mixed reviews and I'm not sure whether or not to get them. So, if you've used them feel free to tell me whether or not you liked them... I need the input.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Chris came over today. It was fun, we watched The Big Bang Theory and The Love Guru and went walking and talked a lot. He spent most of the day here. It was nice. I had something to occupy my mind most of the time. About half way through TLG I ended up giving him my phone. I think and then I text... I didn't want to text so I gave it to him.
Later when he left we were texting and I jokingly said that I'd be getting drunk and finding a boy to play with at my uncles wedding. Considering I don't do casual play and don't drink much it was obviously a joke. He thought I meant I wanted to sleep with him and sent a "We're just friends text" It got awkward after that and he hasn't answered a text in a few hours. There was a time where it wasn't just friends. We text not so friendly things and the thought of dating was always there but one or the other of us would be sucked in by somebody else. So honestly, even though it was a joke and not pertaining to him... the comment kinda made me step back a bit. I didn't realize that door was completely closed but I guess it is. I guess I just thought that if the relationship didn't work out with B that somewhere along the line Chris and I would try, it was always thought by both of us that if we were both single at the same time we would try... the thought of that being gone kinda stings a little.
Turns out I wont be finishing my schooling this year. My advisor thinks that my load is too much to make it so I'm off the list and will be doing more next year. I was so looking forward to being done, to moving on... not happening.
I am having a bitch of a time finding clothing that fits and flatters me. I need something for the wedding... I hate clothes shopping. My self-esteem plummets with each new piece of clothing. I'd wait and pray I lose weight but I can't wait long considering how long it takes me to find anything I like. I go clothes shopping and I get bitchy and upset almost instantly.
Part of why I haven't been posting as much as I used to is.. I really have nothing good to say. The last 3 months have been kick in the throat after kick in the gut over and over.... wash rinse repeat. Hospitals, unsure future, unsure present really, no B, colds, friends, schooling, weight, fights, unhelpful "helpful /concerned" comments, family drama, etc. I'm tired guys. Tired of the shitstorm. I function well, thrive... but shitstorm after shitstorm wears a person down. I'm about as flattened and smoothed out as I can be.
Honestly, I'm scared. Scared that B and I are done, scared that I have to deal with yet another shit storm, scared that this one is really going to hurt, scared that I'm not wanted anywhere else, .... there are so many things and I know nobody wants to hear me whine so I try not to blog about it. But tonight, I just can't help it. Everybody breaks sometimes... apparently I've cracked a little.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
- I watched Avatar yesterday. It's very pretty... but it does reinforce my hate of the human race.
- I'm getting my great grandmothers recipes and am making a cook book. It's going to be amazing. She made the best chocolate chip cookies evar!
- I'm spending a lot of time with my grandmother lately. It beats being alone at night.
- I've been emailing with Nilla... being in the (somewhat) same boat is slightly comforting.
- I walked out of my grandmothers last night without the recipe box.... I be a dumbass.
- I finally got a season set of The Big Bang Theory. LOVE IT! Seriously, Sheldon in a ball pit.... just about peed.
- I get to spend some time with Chris this week.... it totally warrants a Yay!
- I've come to realize that Chris is totally my safe spot. He's protective, cares and would do anything for me. I totally get to be special.
- I found a few of the Herbs I want to plant... I'm excited! I love herbs! Just not sure how I'm going to move them inside for winter.... smaller pots maybe... dunno.
Friday, May 7, 2010
B and I aren't officially done but I can't help but wonder if that's why I'm not eating. When my ex and I broke up I didn't eat at all for a week while I dealt with it. Maybe it's creeping up on me this time? I don't know. But it's not like I could stop cooking even if I did stop eating all together. I've noticed a pattern emerge. My father cooks... he gets heartburn and bloats. I cook... he's fine. Of course when he cooks it's a lot of rice, potato, carbyness with fatty meat and barely any veggies. But of course it can't possibly be his cooking! Noooooooooooooooo. It's ridiculous.
Chris broke his phone the other day. This seems small but it's not at all. Since B has stopped texting me I've decreased the amount I was texting him too, I feel kinda stupid doing it honestly. So I've been texting Chris. He has not had his phone for two or three days now... it sucks. I text him when I get upset, when I'm bored, with random comments or thoughts, anything really. I talk to him and at him a lot. Needless to say I have been bored out of my mind the last few days without him. I've started texting Cael more, he's commented here before, I'm not explaining him. It's impossible anyhow. But I am texting him more, not because he was third in line but because he's usually in school or working so I generally wait for him to talk to me. Haven't been lately. I'm sure I'm annoying the hell out of him by now.
Seph stepped on and broke the DVD she was going to send me. .... do you all hear the angels singing too?! I've been looking for a DVD here somewhere, I am not having much luck. Every one I find has one of those happy, peppy, perky trainers that make me want to punch them in the throat so I don't think I would use those much.
Now, I am going to go waste some time staring into the fridge for the 5th time today. So far.. I've had orange juice.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
These changes have led me away from blog reading/commenting for a bit because it was too hard. However, I am getting back into it so I will be back to terrorize you all shortly, I feel it :)
The first change I made was with my attitude, which was explained in the previous blog.
The second change I made was inviting Chris to go with me to my uncle's wedding, not a date of course, just a "take a friend" type thing.
The third change, which has been the hardest is still taking place. I'm losing weight for me, not because B (I can no longer refer to him as Master or Daddy on here until I know what's happening. Just too hard.) I'm also planning on asking Chris to help me out with it. I can't be accountable to nobody or it doesn't work. This step is hurting because B was a huge part in my weight-loss plan and asking another for help is just... hard.
The fourth change I am currently planning. I'm cutting my hair, putting layers in and dying it. I'm thinking a reddish purple colour. Yes B wanted my hair shorter so I'd be okay there... but he wants me to have bangs... I'm thinking of getting rid of them. He doesn't like layers, I am getting them. Colour... he wouldn't care but I'm not asking.
Slowly but surely I am finding myself, stepping away from the "Us/Him" and into whatever the hell I want. With not knowing what's going on... it's allowing me time to adjust to the changes before it's official( of if it becomes official. If not he is going to have a hell of a lot of retraining to do). This is good, maybe I wont be quite so big of a mess when it does come then. I won't be a lost little girl because I'll know what to do because "I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong And I grew strong And I learned how to get along " Yeah, I'll stop that... for your sake and mine :)
Now, Sephi said something to me earlier that made me think about this joke I heard a while ago so I thought I'd share it
A group of little boys were gathered in the one friends backyard one day. They were discussing what the oldest boy Johnny had learned the previous night on television. Johnny was 8 and therefore was allowed to stay up later than the younger boys.
"Last night I learned about sex," said Johnny as the other boys murmur grew louder.
"First, your weewee gets hard," said Johnny "It gets hard!" The other boys exclaimed.
"Yes! Then you put it inside 'er!" said Johnny.
All of a sudden one of the youngest boys stood up and shouted "But I don't like cider.... Can I use Fanta?!"
This has been your lame and pointless interruption... you may now return to your regularly scheduled kink.
Monday, May 3, 2010
I sat and had a talk with my mom today. I think things finally got to the point where we were both wondering where the hell I went. Generally when things start screwing with my head, I'm pissed off, sad...whatever the case is..I function. I function very well. I thrive on anger very well. I am more focused and driven when I'm angry or hurt. I want to spite the person and thrive despite of them. I get a hell of a lot more work done when I'm angry becuase I move faster, think faster, just function above a normal level. This hasn't been happening. Why I'm not sure but it's starting to and it's feeling much better.
This doesn't mean that I'm not worried or my head isn't a mess with everything that's going on. But, I've come to a conclusion... What the fuck gives him the right or the power to disrupt my whole life, make me shy away from things just because he's absent? As far as I'm concerned... nothing. And until he shows up, takes charge and beats the attitude out of me, it is the way I intend to function. I've functioned this way for years and I'm no longer giving him the power to take that away. I'll still check in with him but I"ll be damned if I'm going to sit and mope or think about it all day like I have been. If he wants the attitude changed he's going to damn well have to make time for me and come do it himself.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
First thing first. Still haven't heard from Master. ... and that is all I'm choosing to say about it. I have come to a conclusion about this situation. I am not talking about it anymore. Every time I answer questions or have a conversation about it/him I end up upset and right back where I started from which is why I seem miserable all the time. I reach a new level of okayness (Is so a word!) and before it becomes solid I get pulled back down. By having to explain my reasons for waiting, by answering questions people have about it all and listening to them question me, and him and us and this and whatever else they decide to question... I get upset all over again over something I've already dealt with. Now that does not mean that I am upset with Nilla or Seph. They had a valid questions that I just hadn't explained on the blog because I sometimes forget that I have readers that don't know me personally that wouldn't just know these things. Plus I am not one to explain myself and my actions, but having somewhere I vent can't work like that. It needs to be explained. I know that now. I've also had conversations about it with people in my life. My mother's not bad to talk to about it. She is a lot like me and thinks like I do so all that's there is support, she doesn't question it. Chris also has an opinion on it. He thinks that I'm wrong for waiting and is pissed that master has done this but at the same time if I'm upset he comes out pretty much instantly and spends time either talking or just around me. I'm not a fan of being alone at night right now. But yes, no longer a topic of discussion.
I've been doing better the last few days. I've straightened up the kitchen and living room. My project today is my room. I've been cooking again, gaining weight....turns out if you don't eat for four days because of a cold when you start to eat again you gain weight back... go figure.
I'm contemplating my pot garden. (Veggies in pots... my pot garden... it amuses me) I'm not sure if I want to do it. The desire seems to be gone. Maybe I'll just do it and remove the choice. I'm not sure yet.
I've spent several days around Chris lately. My family loves him.... literally. If he leaves and doesn't say goodbye to them or they're out of the room they get upset about it. It's nuts. He's trying to talk me into going to bars and karaoke nights with him. My enthusiasm about him is waning. I do not like people, I do not like drunk people, I am not a fan of crowds, of touching or karaoke.