Identity Crisis

I'm fairly certain B and I are finished. He has updated Facebook with random things about 10 times in the last day but hasn't answered a single text or phone call. In this time he has found the time to have conversations with his friends on Facebook.... but not with me, thus I can only assume we're done. If I'm wrong then I guess I'll get told, but I think I'm operating on the we're done side of things. Of course, that could be because it either hasn't hit me yet so I'm not upset or I deep down don't believe it.. either way, it's what is working right now.

Now, on to more pleasant topics. As we speak...type... as you read.. I am sitting out on the back deck with a cup of mango passionfruit acai berry tea, soo good. It's a fairly nice day. (She says as the wind picks up... damn it!). I enjoy sitting out here by myself, well mostly, the dog is with me but she doesn't speak much. Though I do tend to talk to her quite a bit, I figure that it's better than imaginary friends. Speaking of out on the deck... I had some of my basil the other day...I'm pretty sure that I am in love with those plants. So yummy!  The chives are good too but not nearly as good as the basil... I have a thing for it right now. Cheap thrills people! I plan on getting some more plants on Tuesday, I'm not sure what yet though.

Hmm, what else? I need pants for the wedding. And shoes... and possibly nylons depending on what kind of shoes I get. Really, I have nothing to dress the lower half of my body. It could be a problem. Speaking of the wedding and clothing. Chris has decided he's going to dress up like a cowboy for it. Why? Because it is a bike (the vroom vroom kind) themed wedding, thus he will be the cowboy and he's trying to get me to dress up as a construction worker and we'll be part way there... village people... yeah, he thinks he's funny.  Lady Di (uncles fiance... I've gotten tired of writing an entire sentence just to say who I'm talking about) loves the center pieces... good thing because I am not redoing them! I lost enough skin to them as it is.

I've been talking to a guy I used to be somewhat involved with again. We'll call him Mark. Gotta say, I didn't think flirting would come back this quickly. On some level I think I know it's done because I've flirted with somebody when I was with somebody else. This time however, it's just coming out and then I'm left sitting there going "Oh shit! Outside voice!" Lately I have learned that just because B and I are most likely done, doesn't mean I need to be alone. I definitely will be for a while, but I do have options. One of those "options" however, Chris does not like at all. Though honestly, he's never liked anybody I've dated or even liked, he admitted once that it was jealousy, but since he says that door is closed... why is he still not liking these guys? My ex has also resurfaced. For months there he was great, no fights, no stepping over boundaries. BUT! the second he heard that I hadn't talked to B in a while... He started pushing boundaries, breaking them again. Slow learner.

Last night I ended up down at the piece of land my family owns. It was farm land but since nobody here farms anymore that part has gone away. It now just houses a gravel pit and a get together site. There is an official name, but since my uncle first started it, it had gotten really big and saying it on here would give away who I was to a lot of people. Plus, I know there is one bike group that does occasional searches on their gang name and the  name of the gathering place, even though they have nothing to do with it since my uncle died... but really, it would just be one big shit storm, so it's the get together site. Every May long weekend my uncle (different uncle) goes down there with a group of friends to camp. So last night I ended up down there. It was pretty fun, until I ended getting annoyed and sporting a headache. But I'll start from the top. I got down there and Lady Di scooped me away from everybody so her and I could talk alone, she was tired of people. We ended up over by the big fire pit and slowly but surely everybody else trickled over there. Now this group is generally good, but there are a few who do drugs. I have no interest in that, so I always turn them down... but sitting beside 6 people who are smoking pot and drinking "tea" ... you get a headache. Once all of that was put away, one of the guys that has a business making alcohol brought out some stuff. He had a coffee drink... which I would have tried but everybody was drinking out of the same bottle and that grosses me out... way too OCD for that. He had another drink he called pig snot... it was bacon flavoured vodka... seriously? There is a reason that hasn't been made before. Who wants to drink bacon?! It's wrong on so many levels.  Later in the night he ended up bringing out alcohol soaked cherries... and holy hell. I'm pretty sure they were soaked in boat fuel. It wasn't long after this I had my thinking on girls reaffirmed. There was a guy down there, 22 years old, nice guy... a little immature but most people are at that point. I'm not older than he is but my maturity level sure seems higher. He brought a girl down there... she was short, if she was 5'3'' I'd be surprised. She drank a lot, and smoked a lot, to the point you really couldn't understand her. She got it in her head she wanted to leave... well she lives over an hour away... the guy offered to take her home, she said no, just take me in to the City (only 10 mins away). So he did, and she insisted on being dropped off at her friends work and he drove by and asked her 3 times before he came back to the get together place if she wanted a ride home. She said no and basically told him to screw off, so he came back down, drank, had some cherries... and then this girl calls and makes him feel like shit for leaving her and badgers him into going to get her to the point he was almost in tears he felt so bad when he left. That's just shitty, especially when this person is supposedly somebody you care about. Just not right.

Another thing I learned... if you're standing there drinking "tea" and smoking pot while complaining about your child doing drugs... you've kinda lost any sympathy or authority there. Same thing if you drink like a lush all day and get mad when your son drinks two beers in 20 minutes when he's 15. You dropped the ball, and gave the kid that kind of authority figure... kinda hard to bitch about it when you did it. Some people I just don't understand. And Chris always wonders why I'm not a fan of people... HA!

Edit** totally forgot to explain the title. I'm changing my blog layouts and themes and such for a while until I find things I like. I'm doing the same with my person at the moment.