I have a small puddle of people who I'm close to. Why? Because I'm a scab picker. What I mean is, I'm blunt. I want the truth, you bullshit me then you're done. I seek the truth and I badger until I get it. I don't censor myself at all in any way with people who I'm close with, or even people who I see on a fairly regular basis. People that censor themselves or have delicate sensibilities don't deal well with me. I've had a lot of friendships and even relationships break under the strain, my version of truth is different from most peoples. As is my version of love, trust and friendship.
Why am I telling you this? Well, I picked a fucking scab and it didn't bleed. I was talking to Cael (that name fucks me right up, I always go to type his real name first) about my body issues, and lack of self-esteem and where they come from. We got on to the topic of Chris. Chris and I used to flirt and tease each other and liked each other quite a bit. Over the last year this has changed as I've written about before. Once Cael and I had talked about it... I wanted to know why. I needed to know why. I function better and feel better when I know what I'm dealing with. Leave me out in the dark to stumble around grasping at ideas on my own I will get pissed of and attempt to beat the person over the head with whatever idea I find until the contents of their brain leak out and I can pick through and find what I want. ... Dark side? I know for not what you are talking!
After a minute of contemplation I text Chris and asked him why. He answered me honestly, not wanting to be beaten about the head obviously. His reasoning was pretty good. Basically, he needed time to get his shit together and he has trouble doing that with a girl. He also thinks that we're too close and too good of friends, he wouldn't have anybody to talk to anymore. He doesn't like to share quite as much with his gfs as he has with me which I don't understand. I'm always the same dating or not. If I'm going to say it, I'm going to say it. The domination and playing is another thing. He doesn't think he could ever give me what I needed out of that. Which he is soo wrong in. He totally has the dominant traits and I know he likes rough stuff but he isn't ready to admit that stuff yet so, nothing I can do there.
I also asked him if my weight reasoned into this because I was curious about it. He said for a one night stand,it would. For a relationship, not so much though he wasn't certain how it would work sexually. He's never dated a girl over 140 pounds. All honest answers, all reasons why I have been friends with him for almost 12 years and why he is one of the only people I can stand to be around for long periods of time. He doesn't sugarcoat things with me, I want answers, I get them. We both seem to abide by the "If you didn't want to know then you shouldn't have asked," theory.
I've always been one to tear the band aid off. I'd rather know than be in the dark. Even if it was a guy I was dating and the question hurt enough I cried as I asked it.. I always ask it. Honesty and nothing less.
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