Tuesday, January 31, 2012

For Cael

This is the clip that Sephi sent me stating this would be my reaction to you coming home. ... it was pretty damn close.

Monday, January 30, 2012


So, since Cael is home (I'll address that in another post, at another time. Still adjusting to changes) I have been feeling about 10000x better than I was. As such I've been flitting on the computer more.

If you've been on fet lately you've probably noticed the explosion of snark. What? snark on fet?!  Somebody throw out the damn flag.

This particular incident is somebody claiming (To the Owner/Property, live in, no limits group no less) that no limits doesn't exist and those that claim it are a variety of slanderous words. I cackled. First of all this person goes out of their way to state they're abrasive from Brooklyn so ya know.. watch out. *Que trembling knees* I suspect greatly at this point it's just ridiculousness spewing from her finger tips in an attempt to live up to her profile and the image of herself that she's built up in her head and to her friends.

Ahem. Anyways,

I've noticed this elsewhere too. Directly pointed at me actually. I was told the way I was claiming to be owned by Cael is unhealthy, and not actually true. They were applying strict clinical, and rigid definitions where they had no business being. Not everything is black and white, there is always grey area. Just because you don't see the grey doesn't mean it isn't there, and it sure as hell doesn't mean you should debate with the person telling them that they're wrong because they don't fit into the mold you've placed that particular title above. 

The amount of people that go out of their way to stick their noses into other people relationships always amazes me. I know I certainly have better things to do.

Do I have limits. Yep. His. At one point I had some of my own.. but ya know.. I can't remember a damn one of them. It's something about the trust, and the love, and the commitment that for me eventually washed my limits away and replaced them with his. I know he's never going to do anything to me that is psychotic or serial killer worthy like so often is the argument against no limits. Maybe why the limits dissolved for me is because they matched up with his, even the silly little ones.

Or .. maybe I am just a stupid retarded bitch as claimed. (Funny how those with a weak argument resort to name calling to "prove their point")

(And yes I know Cael and I are doing the vanilla thing for a while, but I am still owned, still bound to him)

Friday, January 27, 2012

Caels home. He's okay for the most part and he's home. Actually home. And I bawled. Really hard. 

I'm off to breathe easily, and sleep, and not compulsively eat or not eat and actually function.. for the first time in quite a while.

Thursday, January 26, 2012


First of all I am stating right now that nothing has changed from the last post. I don't know any more than I did. I don't want to talk about it at all. I am clinging to my functioning status.. I am not okay. Not at all. I'm a mess. I'm depressed. I'm completely just... not okay.

But. I need somewhere to do things. I need an outlet, something to focus on. So I'm going to try writing here. Not about what's going on with Cael, I may have a terrible day and write a breakdown post here but that is not why I'm writing. I'm writing to distract myself, not to dissect what's going on and what little I know.

I have some reviews that need done, I'm contemplating a "What I consumed" day, and I'm planning some renovations I may blog about. Just a distraction.

I would like to say thank you for the messages you all have been sending though. Even if I didn't reply they do mean a lot. I've been very quiet lately.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

I uh, I may be absent for a while. I just got some really bad news about Cael tonight and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do on many levels. I'm a mess. And right now here is the last place I want to be. That may change in time or tomorrow or 5 minutes from now. Fair warning I guess.

Friday, January 6, 2012

A New Leaf

We've all heard the expression about turning over a new leaf right? Well, I think we can all agree that after yesterdays post I am attempting to do just that.

This morning I logged on to EdenFantasys, (my favorite sex toy store if you haven't figured that out yet :) ) and to my surprise I found leaves. Leaves everywhere!  

Now this? This is a sign from every Deity and Goddess out there telling me something. So, without further ramblings, go check out a new leaf that's ready to turn you over!

Did you know that I have been working with EF for about a year now? It really doesn't seem like it has been that long. Normally. I write posts pimping their site, or pimping their products. However, since it has been a year I thought I'd do something different.


I'm going to pimp some of their staff. (We'll discuss my cut later!)

See, I wholeheartedly believe that the reason that EF is so awesome to work with is their staff. If you go here you see them all on the right side of the page. 

*sing songy voice* Do you see what I see? (This close to Christmas, I couldn't resist that.)

Several of their employees are actually bloggers. They've dealt with companies, they know the ins and outs of blogging. They GET IT.

Take Rayne for example. She writes over at Insatiable Desire and has been one of the most helpful people I've ever met. If I have a question she is more than happy to answer it even if it is outside her job description. Since joining EF and starting writing for Eden Cafe she and I have been talking over twitter and it's really nice having another "lifestyle" like-minded friend who I wouldn't have met if it wasn't for EF.

Then there is Carrie Ann from A view from the floor. Yet another blogger who has been reviewing for a long, long time. She's the reason I went to EF because I seen how happy she was there.

And of course, there is Jenn. She has several blogs going right now but her main blog is located at Jenn.nu and links to all of her other projects. She's the one I write these posts for,  and she is always prompt and ready to help if you have an issue or a question. We've talked about other things too; hang over prevention, weight loss, and a variety of other things. She is yet another person I wouldn't have to talk to without having EF to thank.

EF is most definitely more than just another sex shop, it's a community, it's somewhere to go for advice, and of course somewhere to go where you can be yourself. So, thanks to EF (and Jenn, who has to put up with me more than anybody else) for everything new and enjoyable they have brought into my life. And not just the buzzy things.

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Naked & Vulnerable 2012

2011 was a really, really hard year. Both emotionally, and mentally. I don't think I need to rehash everything that happened in the last year, both with cael and myself individually and together. 2011 was a year of falling apart, 2012 is the year for rebuilding. At least that's what I'm going with.

Side Note:

I'm not going to lie to you all,  I am absolutely going to overlook the Cael aspect in this post because to be honest, that is how I am functioning. I can't stop and think about what is happening to him and what he's going through because it tears me apart. It's really hard seeing somebody you love in the state that he's in both with the surgeries and with personal issues. I also can't go into a lot of detail as far as he's concerned because he is very private and I don't want to take that away from him. So, I may end up mentioning him, and including some things about him but they wont be the big things. They wont be in detail. I have entirely too much respect and love for him to break him apart and lay him bare here as I am about to do to myself.

I think if you've been reading here very long you'll have gathered a few things about me. However, whether or not you've figured out I have an eating disorder is totally up for debate. I don't think I've mentioned it. In fact, I think I have intentionally steered away from it and twisted things a bit so that it didn't show that. I have a mix of Compulsive Overeating, and the occasional binge eating disorders. And yet, it's not so cut and dry.  Compulsive implies the knowledge of doing something, the urge to do it. And sometimes, that is totally there. Other times I don't even realize it's happening until it's too late and I'm consumed in it.

I spent years trapped in those cycles... I ate at night a lot because I was shamed into it. It was nothing for people around me to say things like "Don't eat that, it puts weight on you"  "You're eating again?"  "Wow, I don't know how you can eat that much!"  All of this occurred when I was around 13 or 14 years old. I know now that it doesn't matter what gender you are, at that age you eat a lot.. you're in a growth spurt. It happens. At the time though? All those comments hurt. All those comments made me regulate what I ate in front of people and wait until everybody else was in bed to really eat. I'd wait until one in the morning to wake up and make a meal. I'd hide food. Hell, even today I have trouble eating in front of people. As the years went on it just got worse. I developed eating disorders. I gained weight, because I don't have the need to purge. I was out of control and didn't know it.

Then Cael became my owner and I suddenly had rules for my food. It was hard but it worked. I regulated what I ate because I KNEW I had to send a run down of it all to him. There were times where I'd have a flare up and I wouldn't send my nightly emails because I didn't want to admit what was happening. Though admittedly that was more tied to exercise because I didn't understand the issues I was having. At the time I was completely in denial about what was happening, it's just been the last couple weeks that I've really seen it and recognized what was going on. Cael knew I had issues but I don't think he knew how deep they were.. or more likely he did know and was just waiting for me to see it. He does that a lot. He knows me well. Thing is, he really did help me get it under control by doing nothing but being there for me.. being present. When he took the rules away from me in June/July it didn't really phase me as far as the disorders were concerned because I still sent the emails. By then I had a good grip on it. I was in control, the disorder wasn't. I had never felt that before.. never been the one in control. Don't get me wrong, it was a struggle to get on top of this. I had nights where I'd be sitting in my room like I would before and get up to go get food. I'd get out to the kitchen, pick something up and talk myself out of it because I didn't need it, or because Cael would be disappointed. I had days where I lost control anyways.. when those days happened I told him what I ate but I didn't write down the amount because it hurt. I got better and it got easier as it went on but it remains one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Along the way I learned... I learned that I ate less when I ate healthier. I ate even less when I consumed more protein. I learned that a lot of dairy products actually make me sick. I learned that any carbonated beverage makes me feel like shit. I dropped 30 pounds since Cael became my owner.

Cue all the bad shit that's happened. Cue me getting cocky about my eating. I've been doing well for a good six months. Six months! Six months with no over eating, with no urges to binge. Six months where I could eat a tiny bit of junk now and then and not gain weight. That is huge! I've clearly got this beat.



Thing is, this can sneak up on you. An extra bite here, another helping there. Nothing that seems too big. Then suddenly, I'm out of control again. More accurately I have no control. I stopped worrying because I thought I was okay. I have gained back eight pounds. For the first few weeks I didn't even know it was happening. It's not like a drug addiction where you have to seek out that which you are addicted to. You have to make the choice. Food addiction is different. You can't just stop eating. You can't decide "Okay, I'm done with this" because you deal with it every day. You have to eat, who notices a few extra bites? Problem is, once you have those few extra bites you get carried away and don't notice. At least I didn't. Not until it was too late. Not until I was too far down to even see the top anymore. It is an addiction. It's always there waiting for you to slip up and go back into old patterns. I have a friend, and I love her to death but she doesn't get it. She tells me she doesn't understand why I can't just make the choice not to let it control me. For me,it's not that simple. I know her, and I know her counter would be that she has some of the same issues I do, and an addictive personality and she got on top of it and it's a choice for her. It's hard because even the people closest to me don't understand. I have another friend, and he's been addicted to drugs and alcohol since I can remember. I have family that have addictive personalities. I've watched both of these people go through their own detox from their addictions. And I've noticed something. People with addictive personalities seem to be able to let go of their addictions easier than people with just a standard addiction. They find another addiction to replace the previous one with. Some of them are positive like knitting, or drawing, or painting. Some of them turn to smoking and so on. The people without the addictive personality have nothing to ease that transition, especially when it's something they have to deal with everyday. I'm not saying people with addictive personalities have it easy, or that it isn't hard for them to quit, but from what I've seen on several occasions it is a little easier for them and they don't understand how it can be different. So, addictive personalities are in my family and in my friends.. so I can't really talk to them because well intentioned or not, it just stabs everything a little deeper, or they just don't get it. So, talking to somebody with just a run of the mill addiction would right? Yeah. No. Because this isn't drugs, or alcohol or cigarettes. It's food. Most people think food addiction and eating disorders are bullshit and just in your head and if you can make your mind up about it then it's gone.

So, most of the time I don't say anything. I'll occasionally reach out for help. A diet and exercise partner, somebody to talk to. Aside from Cael and a friend who I'll call James (no reason really, I just don't think I've called anybody that on here before) who never dismisses me, most of the time nobody is really interested. I don't ask for help well, at all, ever. I'm not going to come out and say "I'm drowning and I don't know how to stop this," so I ask for little things. Truth be told, even that is becoming rare lately because it's rarely met with any help no matter who I seem to ask, then I just feel lonely and abandoned and like I'm being swallowed alive by this disorder. I'm working my ass off to get on top of this thing again and so far, it's not working. I'm still sending my nightly emails, Cael knows where I am with this. But he can't help right now and honestly, I don't expect him too. I know what he's going through is way more serious and takes precedence for him.. and for me as well. I don't blame him at all, that is not what this is. This is just a brain dump. This is me finally saying out loud that I'm fucked up, and I know it, and for the first time I finally recognize and accept it. I'm hoping with having said all of this, having admitted to myself after all this time will help me be able to over come it, or at least be in control again.

I know now that this will always be the wolf on my doorstep waiting to tear me apart. I thought I'd slain the wolf. I didn't. He just came back bigger and more in face this time. Not content to sit outside the door waiting for me to slip up and open that door for him. No. This time he's slamming himself against that rickety door. I can hear the hinges creaking, the door rattling and the frame splintering. There are holes in that door now, he has a hold of me. It's just rebuilding that door while he's trying to tear my arm off that's the hard part.