Sunday, January 30, 2011

A Sephi Induced Rambling

This morning I woke up, curled up in my chair and pulled my computer in my lap. Normally I make breakfast, shower, feed animals, etc. Today I'm feeling lazy, and somebody else fed the animals so I'm free to do it. When I logged on to my messenger Sephi commented on my being on early..which led to an explanation about my laziness and the fact that I was distracting myself so I wouldn't text Cael. He went out last night and I'd bet good money that he will at least sleep in, ...more likely is a hang over but I'm giving credit. *nods*  Sephi told me that I'm "too kind." It made me stop and think.... yes, that is all it takes.


In general unless I have met you and decided I like you... I'm not that kind. I'm polite....or I try to be (Some people just don't allow it I tell ya). However,... that is as far as it goes and you can bet 90% of the time it isn't sincere. If I do not know somebody and like the end... they just don't register for me. Is it a sign of coldness on my part? Maybe, probably. But as I've said before I am very picky about the people I let in to my life, if I don't let somebody in or know them at all... they aren't part of my life they don't hold value to me(To ME, not to everyone). That is where the coldness comes in again.. if they don't hold value to me then they don't matter to me... so what they do, what happens, etc. doesn't tend to affect me at all in any way. I'm not one of those people who will cry because somebody I met once or is close to somebody I know has died.


Which brings me to people I know. There are stages there. Different bubbles for each stage. Some of my friends I hold pretty close, others I don't. I have three bubbles. One keeps everybody out I don't want in. Once in that bubble then I am more caring, more kind. That's where most of my family and friends reside... though some of them never made it fully through the bubble and  stuck in-between. They're there... but most of them time I tolerate them rather than enjoy them... Conversations sometimes make me want to tell them to suck it the fuck up and be a grown up. It would affect me if something happened to them but not in a huge, earth shattering way. In the second bubble.. It's almost always empty because normally by the time a person has made it through the first they've pissed me off and been kicked out of the bubble. That's where Sephi, Lady Di, my Mom and Chris live. They're more important. They get more consideration, more kindness. They irritate me less if at all. Then there is the third bubble. My personal bubble. I've talked about this bubble before a long time ago when I said B had invaded that bubble... and that's honestly how it felt like I was being invaded...and even in some ways violated...he shouldn't have been in there and yet he had pushed and popped bubbles until he was. (Which is probably why I never really felt comfortable with him, secure with him). At the time I fought and pretended that it was alright... that it was comfortable... and it wasn't no matter how much I wanted it to be. When he left... the bubble wasn't constricting anymore... it was comfortable and right again. In the last year since he's been gone I've realized something...part of why that bubble was so tight is there was three of us in there, I just didn't realize it. You see, Cael is part ninja... I'm sure of it. He has been in that bubble a long time...and in the last year he's gotten more comfy in there. I'm fairly certain there's a big fluffy chair, a tv and a game system of some sort in there somewhere. And Sephi is right... I am more kind to him than anybody else. He gets more consideration, more of my time... a lot more of my time. I go anywhere, I take my phone.... he's an ever-present with me.  I am very different with him than I am with anybody else. He gets more of me and sees more of me. Granted I have told him to pull his head out of his ass a time or two... but he's never annoyed me, ...other than the teasing (seriously... I now have a picture of him in the bath. My concentration went right the fuck out the door when he sent it.) He has literally gotten under my skin and in my head in ways that neither of us anticipated. In ways that should concern me... but it doesn't at all... I'm comfortable and happy and want more of it. I love the control he has. I don't fight his control at all. I fought B's, I would say I was doing one thing that I was supposed to and I'd do another... he didn't have the control ever, even when I begged him to take it. Cael just took it... he gets different responses from me and I am definitely nicer to him.


Each bubble gets a different bit of me... more of me as it goes. So, maybe it's not that I'm too kind to him...I've been brain wormed *nods*

Thursday, January 27, 2011

A Post For Cael

Why a post for Cael? Well, because apparently he likes my posts. I personally think it's because he gets mentioned so much... because lets face it it's not because he needs deeper in my head. He can ask any question he wants and I will answer it... impulsively.

First an announcement. Cael is no longer writing his blog. can weep if you want to. I did. However, since he is spoiled if there are any questions for him you can leave them on a post here or send me an email and I'll let him know and they will be answered on my blog. ...and maybe once I'm up there I'll add him to the author list and he can answer them directly, however I'm uncertain. You see I have the power now.. there was a shift you see (apparently like a kid tugging on his pant leg) Maybe I'll deny him access of my computer entirely. *nods*  *Ducks* *Flees*  *Bob and Weave! BOB AND WEAVE!*


In other news... I am watching Despicable Me right now. I love this show.

In other other news, I have been calculating. If I can lose 3 - 5 pounds a week by the first week in May I will have lost my initial 70 pounds or thereabouts. Once that's done then its a matter of losing however much Cael and I decide on. (110... I laugh at chu.) Why was I thinking about this? Because the aforementioned spoiled man wanted me to go on a trip with him. That would require a plane. First we had agreed not to see each other until I was comfortable with my weight... or more comfortable at least.  ... Which if I can keep on track and be kept on track.. I should be by then. However... planes terrify me to the point my stomach lurches up into my throat at the mention of me getting on one. Which is odd considering I have flown before... just a little field trip type thing when I Was little but still... I was alright. Not crazy about it... but okay. So why this is a fully blown fear now I'm not sure. May just be a matter of pushing through it.. I tend to do that with fears anyways.. it's a stubborn must face it streak I have. So... while I said no for now (because I want to be comfortable with him in person completely before I go putting myself on a plane and making myself even more uncomfortable... I want a safe place there... and he tends to be that) I have promised to go at another time. And knowing him he will think of other places he wants to go (And I may or may not suggest England when Sephi gets back over there *makes angelic innocent face*) so flying will happen. I am however reserving the right to hate him before we get on the plane, while we're on the plane and directly after we get off the plane. Then I will luff him again. ...until I have to get back on the plane.

I phoned Lady Di tonight... to see how her first days of work were and maybe perhaps possibly to see when she might be able to get the exercise thing she's letting me use down here. Cael has decided that I must do 20 minutes of cardio everyday (sticks tongue out and twists face up at the back of his head) and so the more things I am doing the less chances I have of being bored and getting stuck at a certain weight. So, she's going to get her son to go find it... which should be fun. I quite like her son and his gf. Even if he does tend to tease me a lot.. but really.. considering he is technically a cousin now and I don't like any of my other cousins... I think it works out. The first time I met him my uncle made some comment about him being cute and asking me if I thought he was. It amused me... because while he is kinda cute... he is so not even close to my type physically. He's rather skinny (and smokes a shit ton of's rather impressive.) and I just don't like skinny guys. I like thick, solid guys. I just do. Cael is always telling me that he wants to lose weight... and to be honest.. I'd probably pout. I would. I love his body type. I have odd fixations.

I Think that is all I have thunk. I'm off to maul Cael. Whenever he finishes supper. Gods!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

A Short Emptying

Why a short emptying? Mostly because I don't really have a lot to say I just have random things bouncing in my head and thought I'd share them.

First : I am officially back on my parsley pills. I Want to be on them about a week before I start exercising so my body has a chance to regulate a bit... and I Can get used to drinking a ton more water before I have to drink even more when I start exercising. So I'm thinking probably next week some time. I'm also thinking then because I doubt Cael is going to allow me much more time without doing it. He's funny like that.


Second : As I have recently acquired a stand mixer I have been playing with it. I even went and got my grandmothers bread recipes... there are pita recipes and whole wheat bread. Those are most definitely better for me than anything I could buy and to an extent I can control the calories in it. Large plus.


Third : I want to watch Despicable Me again.


Fourth : I was talking to Sephi about haircuts and ended up finding an old haircut of mine for her that I loved. Which led to me logging in to my Nexopia account where I had the picture. I have not been on there in a long time. If it wasn't two years I'd be very surprised. When I logged in I did some flitting around... which when you haven't played on there in a long time you're bound to do. I found a couple of pictures Cael had taken of a model. Now the interesting part? I actually sat there for a minute and waited to be jealous. And I was. But not of the fact that he's around half-naked girls, and free to do whatever he wants with them. I was actually jealous that this girl got to spend time with him when I can't and that they get to have him tie them up. It's an odd twist of jealousy. Thus... I mentioned it to Sephi and she thinks that because jealousy is a form of insecurity I don't have it because I feel secure with him. And it makes sense, I do.


Fifth : Speaking of Cael. The man is spoiled. The recipe book I've been working on for a while... Has pretty much turned into a point and have for him when I move. It might make me happy :)


Sixth : ... I wrote "Sex" instead of "Six" the first time. Deprived I am. I've chosen to blame the spoiled man :D

Monday, January 24, 2011

A Series Of Events

As I still have a bit of a cold I haven't posted in a while. I do much of anything and I am exhausted so I've pretty much been going about the bare minimum of things. So I have a few things saved up to blog about. Thoughts, events, etc.

  • First I'm going to take care of actual bloggy business. I received an email the other day from a new reader asking why I spoke of Cael quite a bit but never stated my actual feelings.

    I've talked about Cael quite a bit, things I like about him, what I'm feeling right that moment but I haven't ever stated it outright. This started because when Cael and I first started out with each other... it was a flirty, playful, friendship with some benefits situation. I think the connection we seem to have was there from the beginning but we both continued to play and see other people and ignore it. We can be that dense, yes. We can both get our head shoved up our asses pretty far (It's true.. I've even told him it's up there a time or two. Yet another reason most people can't handle me and he can :D ).  So it took a but of adjusting for both of us to go from that playful mindset into something serious. Then I was with B so I couldn't talk about Cael like I wanted to and he dated a few girls who found their way to my blog so I had to watch what I say. (Even then he had control over me. It really makes me wonder how long he has) However with all of that, the most common reason is... he knows. He knows exactly how I feel about him from things I've said here and in private. He knows how much he means to me, what he means to me and every little thing in between. He is deeply ingrained in me and knows me inside and out...he knows what goes on in my head about him and otherwise. In the end I can talk about him here but the way I feel about him..I don't think that's something that needs to be voiced outside of him and I. I don't share everything here because I like the little pieces I hold back of us. You can't say everything on a blog to begin with.. it would be much too hard. However, some things that could be shared I think deserve to be private *shrugs* I like to hoard him :)

  • Since I was last here I have had a birthday *dances* and this year it wasn't bad. My birthday tends to either be non existent or split up in segments because not everybody I know likes each other. It's a pain in the ass. On the day of my birthday I went out to supper and to chapters with a friend of mine. It was fun. And yes, chapters is a big deal to me. I love that store. I could spend hours just looking and smelling the coffee. However! While I got a coffee I managed to refrain from buying a book. I had over 100 given to me before christmas and I have school work to do. The only book I would have gotten was a Laurell K Hamilton book... and those take priority over everything until they're done for me. So I behaved and said no because my school work would have ceased. (Ya know... once I start it. Ahh procrastination) Last friday I went out shopping with my grandmother and Lady Di. We went in to the mall (which for clothing for me tends to be useless .. I rarely like anything and finding something that fits... we wont go there. But, my grandmother always manages to make me feel bad about my weight, especially when we're shopping. It's almost like she doesn't understand sometimes... but since I go once a year with her generally I try to over look it..or like I did spend my time near Lady Di. ) From the mall we went to my favourite store... it's a pagan, hippy, eclectic type shop. I love it. I spend money so easily in there.... mostly because I want everything. And now that the shop owner knows that I am the niece of an old friend of her husbands and had something to do with the big biker party I described quite a while ago ( My uncle died in a car accident with drunk drivers... thus "old" friend) .... she gave me money off the stuff I bought. The last thing I need is a reason to buy more stuff in there. What I ended up getting was 2 more necklaces... because I just want to see how many I can get and not have room for when I move :D The one is just like my amethyst necklace... it's on a black string but the chunk of stone ont he end is  tourmaline. It's gorgeous... it's essentially a clear stone with an aqua colour that's swirled inside it like smoke and a few streaks of purple. The other one I got is a three-tier necklace of red agate, amethyst, silver beads and smoky glass beads. They're pretty. From there we tried clothes shopping again... I ended up getting a green shirt with an argyle type pattern over my boobs. It's baggy enough it's soo comfy. I also got a rather tight black, purple and white shirt. It's nice and that material looks good whether it's tight or lose so as I lose weight I can keep the shirt. I also got a longish black coverup type thing. I don't like my arms really so something with long sleeves and covers me up but still looks nice is a real plus on some days. That day we also went to lunch... and Lady Di and I managed to embarrass my grandmother. My grandmother is very quiet and tends to just let things go... I wouldn't say spineless but very close to it. Somehow the drinks for Lady Di and myself werent right. It may have been the pop fountain that was off.... but it was gross. So we said something about it... and we got a very blank stare from the waitress. Which fine... I'm not going to lie sometimes somebody can say something to me and it takes a moment to register... so we gave the moment. Then tried again... 3 times later I had run out of polite sounding ways to say what I was saying. So I tried blunt... that did it. ... when we turned back to look at my grandmother her face was read and looked like she had swallowed a really nasty book. So even when something for her meal was forgotten she refused to say anything. ... and then she was ready to go home. *shrugs* We weren't rude or mean, what happened wasn't a big deal. It did make me see parts of my grandmother that she had been hiding for a while and pretending they weren't there though.

  • On Saturday I spent the night at my uncle and Lady Di's. When I first arrived I took my stuff back to the spare room..and then later that night when I went back to get something I couldn't find the light switch. Where logic would dictate it would be was not where it was. It was behind the door. But I had forgotten this so I finally gave up and yell "I have lost the light switch" which amused the hell out of both of them. We watched movies until 2 in the morning and Lady Di and myself managed to cackle and giggle to the point we were both dizzy. When we're together we go some very odd places with our comments and conversations. We had my uncle laughing and disgusted and worried and  wishing he didn't know half the things we said. That is quite an accomplishment. Mid giggle fest we watched Despicable Me. SO GOOD! Definitely one of my new favorites. The next morning my uncle woke up and was telling me that he had a dream that Cael was slapping me around (yes I was talking to him that night. The man is a constant with me *nods*)  and I just about died of laughter and the urge to say "Well I can always hope." Later on that day my uncles friends came over. Now... this is the same man I have been complaining about for a while. I just don't like him and that day didn't help. He smokes pot like they're regular cigarettes. It's 24/7. So when he was there he was smoking... granted he did go out on the little deck they have but since it was nice it was only the screen there so it came right back into the apartment. I am allergic to pot and smoke in general isn't the greatest thing for me. So by the time he left and I had gotten home I had a huge headache, my eyes and sinuses burned, and I was so nauseous I actually had to go lay down in the dark because just having my eyes open made me feel sick. Evil. HOWEVER! While I hate that man... I love his baby daughter. She is so cute. She makes little ducky faces at me until she remembers who I am  then I become a play thing. While the whole time was fun I think my favourite part was the present. Lady Di and my uncle got married in June. They were given a stand mixer for a present... but they don't use it for anything. It was sitting still in its box in their closet... so I now have it sitting on my counter. I'm soo excited to try it out. (and show Cael what it does... poor deprived man) It's entirely metal and as such it's a gorgeous silver colour.  Happeh.


And since I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open I am ending this here and contemplating a nap.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Keep On Ramblin'

I finally finished up with the pills me doctor gave me last night. So what does this mean? Well, I'm hoping it means I'm better. I still have the horribible cough but apparently that can last a long time... and honestly... while it sucks... if that's all I have then I am okay. The rest of the cold was hell. I can deal with a cough. However, I might start using my cold medicine to see if that kicks the rest out. This also means that maybe my brain will come back. I was told that the pills were strong enough to affect you... and they are. I've used only shampoo on my hair twice... and forgotten the conditioner..this has happened at least 2 or 3 times. I've forgotten to take things out for supper. I've wiped a counter and thrown out a wash cloth and not have it dawn on me until I was in another room. My typing and spell have gone to absolute hell. Seriously... ask Sephi. My thought process has suffered. I get part way through a though and just lose it... it happened twice today. In other pill news Cael agreed that I could go back on my parsley pills. Happeh.

I've also been taking a multivitamin and some extra vitamin C..for obvious reasons. Having been doing this over a couple of weeks now... I notice it when I don't take them. I don't feel as good, and I have less energy. I actually didn't notice this last time I was on them. Yet another clue that this time is going better. Another one? Conscious decisions to behave. Even on my cheat day I don't go crazy with stuff that isn't good for me. I'm making much better choices in general. Why? 1. Because I'm actually serious this time and have a touchstone to go to if I have trouble or stumble or get frustrated. 2. Because that touchstone is serious and will take away the privilege of touching him. He's kind of a hard ass and I'm loving it. In person? It will probably take some getting used to. B never really enforced any of his rules, especially in person so knowing that Cael does is exciting. Just with the little bits of rules and control he's added back into this I've been a hell of a lot happier, content and even more productive. I really do thrive on the dominance. With that said I have no doubt in my mind that it will take some adjusting when I move and have it 24/7 with him right there. I know it will be hard, but at the same time I want it. I got the illusion and promise of things with B. With Cael while I am getting some dominance.. I know it's the very tip of this iceberg and that there is a lot more to come and I'm excited... even though I know I haven't seen all of the dominant traits in him.. only some of them. The bastage has just recently informed me that I won't be allowed to wear clothes to bed. I love my pjs and he has taken them away when I move. Plus, I mentioned maybe not replacing my pjs and comfy type clothes as I lose weight and then he and I could go pick out some new sexier ones... I put it out there as a "I'm thinking about it" type thing. He took a liking to the idea and I think that is now the plan. Not that I'm complaining... as long as they're comfy and I can wear them around the house up there I will be happy. Of course... logic dictates I will need to get one or two things for here until I move and maybe for there when people are around that lingerie type things wouldn't work for, but in general... I have great ideas. :D I also found out that I get a collar. A play collar, but a collar! Maybe with the chance of getting a full-time collar eventually..he hasn't explained it yet. He likes to tease me. I luff him.

Another thing I've recently noticed is my level of nostalgia lately. It's gotten quite high. I'm not sure why either. The last few months I've been doing things that I did when I was younger, or that remind of things from the past. This christmas I learned how to make my grandmothers shortbread cookies. Over the summer I started collecting recipes from my grandmother, great-grandmother and great-aunt. Each recipe I found came with a memory of either being in the kitchen with them or times we spent together... I enjoyed it. My great-grandmother passed away 11 years ago. When she did my mother, grandmother and I went to her house and cleaned it out and distributed it where it was supposed to go. I ended up  with some stuffed animals that I played with any time I Went to her house when I was little and a charm bracelet she used to wear all the time. I rarely wear this bracelet. Why? Because for months after she died... I had a lot of weird shit go on around me. The volume of my stereo or tv would turn way up and then go way down. My tv would randomly shut off... but only if the show had swears or something sexual to it. If it was kid friendly.. it never once went off. The tv in the living room would shut off... and when you turned it on it would be on a different channel ...which ever channel MASH was on was the channel that came back on. Every time. She used to watch that show everyday. My grandmother moved her fridge into her house... everybody else can open the fridge without an issue. I go to open it... and it sticks..everytime. A lot of the time I could feel somebody around me. It actually got to the point where I removed a lot of her stuff from my room on the theory if she wasn't comfortable there she would leave. It hasn't happened in a long time. It all just stopped one day. It could all be coincidental... but I still watch what I do with her stuff. So that is a lot of why I don't wear the bracelet a lot. I wear it and its like she's right there. But, I do wear it to things she would have liked or that are important. I wore it to my uncle's wedding over summer.  Aside from that I've been watching a lot of old tv shows, cartoons etc. I've also been thinking about switching out one of my dressers for the one I moved downstairs. It has a mirror... and two or three bullet holes in it from when an uncle of mine got drunk and scared himself in the he shot the mirror. My family is odd. It's awesome.

In other news... my birthday is almost here. Other than probably going shopping with a friend of mine and watching a movie with Lady Di.. I have no plans for it. ....maybe I'll nap all day. :D

Thursday, January 13, 2011

And then? There was silence.

Without going into huge detail and raking up stuff that's already been dealt with...Cael and I had a miscommunication...for months. It essentially came down to me not explaining enough, and neither of us asking and clarifying enough. Which happens with relationships... there are always bumps in the road, a learning curve, etc. This one however affected both of our plans about me moving. He thought I had a lot of schooling left and would be a couple years and thus would have time to get a house before I move... I was giving it until fall or winter ... quite a big difference there. So while we have talked it out and agreed on conditions to it being later(it may be sooner if his cousin moves out... and I may or may not be lighting candles and chanting a move out prayer while dancing around naked in hopes to tip the scale), hoping for it to be sooner and eventually accepting the suckyness that is having to still isn't pleasant.

Other than the obvious hell of having to wait even longer to be able to be with him... it put us both in an odd mood. Misunderstandings suck, especially when you're both under each others skin. He doesn't like when I'm sad, especially when he knows he had something to do with it... I'm the same way. ... I couldn't help but be sad about this so we kind of took turns... I was sad and he was upset because of it. Then somewhere along the line we switched and he was sad and I was upset because I hate seeing him like that. It's a vicious little circle.We had moments where we were okay, others where it went back down the gutter a bit. Which is fine, I'm not expecting everything to be perfect all the time or ever... neither of us are perfect and I think we both accepted long ago that we would make mistakes with each other and in general but in the end it is worth it. We want to be together, there will be rough spots and they aren't a reason to call the whole thing off.  So eventually we said goodnight early... not going to lie.. I initiated it. I knew he was upset and sometimes leaving him alone and giving him space is the best option. And while it was my idea...I missed him and felt bad that it wasn't resolved to the point we were both okay. We both seemed to have an odd feeling left over from it.

Today I've been thinking. After he mentioned a house last night we started talking about furniture... little things, and it hit me... It will be Caels house. He's choosing the majority of things that will go in... chances are he will be choosing which house... I'm sure he'll let me give my opinion on things if I'm around but in the end it's all his choice. At first this kind of bugged me. Because while I will be living there... it will be HIS. Not OURS. That bugged me because I didn't know if I'd be comfortable with that... I've always grown up with the 50/50 type deal when it comes to things like this. He would still be in control but Home would be OURS. Then I started thinking... I'm his too. That has made me reevaluate the whole thing. While I'd still like to do the 50/50 thing .. if that's not what he wants to do..then I'm still his, I'm still moving, it will just take some getting used to.

Something else we discussed? Spending time going back and forth between where I am and where he is in the coming months. Spending time together to make sure it will work. Which I doubt seriously that it wouldn't.. but it takes time for me to relax and be comfortable around somebody. Thus... in order to get to the point where we're comfortable and things are working... it will take time and I'm hoping that it's given. It'll also take time to figure out a balance with the Dominance stuff in person.

So what was the point of this post? Nothing other than needing to empty my head, get it out so I can stop thinking about it all the time.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

*Headdesk* OR "We Suck"

Communication. Generally something I'm pretty good at. Or so I had thought. As it turns out, sometimes communication fails me. Such things like misunderstanding, or assuming the person we're talking to understands us when they don't are fairly common. The severity of such things differs.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

1, 2, 3, 4, BLUE!

Because anything I have to say or have thought of isn't enough to make an actual post I will do a bullet post.

  • I pulled a "Wax on, Wax off" with Sephi the other day. She blew raspberries at me. We were talking about needs and wants, and how if you're naturally submissive down to your little slubby core you need the dominance over you like you need air and water. Sometimes we don't get it for various reasons and I had a brain storm (Alright, light drizzle. In the words of Sephi, "Shadup!") and told her that just because they aren't directly giving us orders we do technically still have them. They still expect us to behave, and do what they want/need on a day-to-day basis. How did I learn this? For months Cael wasn't in a dominant mindset. While that is a large part of who he is, it got pushed back a bit at least with me. So this meant I had months where while he is dominant to me and completely owns me... I didn't have rules or domination of any sort going on. However, I still tried to behave and adjust my behavior to suit whatever mood he was in, to make things easier on him. While he's back to being dominant with me, I have rules and will have more when I move I'm sure.... I do still adjust myself with some things. We don't play, which is something I miss... but it's not a huge deal. Sometimes I miss it a lot, other times I'm happy with what is there to the point my cheeks hurt I've smiled so much. So I monitor how I react and how far I go with stuff. I'm pretty much going on his lead... if he takes it that far then fine. But I wont, even if I want him to stand still long enough so I can hump his leg :D Thus, learning to adjust yourself and follow rules that they have laid outright is good sometimes. (All that for one sentence. Yep.

  • I'm going to start exercising when I feel all the way better. And Cael has decided I'm doing it early in the morning. So, this either means I will have a set time to get up and do my exercise and have to tell him if I don't.... or we will be going back to the way it was done before where he text and woke me up when he went to work, made sure I got up and if I didn't he wouldn't speak to me for that day...über fucking affective. Why? Because I miss him and enjoy talking to him. Losing the option of that even for a day is not something I would want at all.

  • Since christmas I have acquired 3 seasons of a television show Cael absolutely hates. Add that to my I love Lucy that he doesn't and probably several others... when I move he is not being left alone with my dvds or they'll get left in a field somewhere I just know it.

  • I have been looking and have not found anything to keep my necklaces in when I move. You know that joke I made about having to wear it all? May not be a joke. Some of them are too delicate to just be put in a box where they could tangle because once they do they would be done. So, I keep looking and cursing the people who design jewelry boxes.

  • The movie night for my birthday with Lady Di and my uncle is set for the 22nd. I'm excited. I love being around Lady Di. She's so off balance...we get along great :)

  • I need to start taking my parsley pills again. All women retain some water around their periods... I'm not a fan. It didn't happen when I was on those so I'm going to find them and get back on them so I don't have to watch the scale go back up. It goes right back down  once it over with but I do not like seeing it go up for any reason.

  • Cael. He is an evil, evil man. Even on my cheat day from my diet I behave. I don't have fatty, bad for you food... I have healthy type food. AND If I do manage to find something I'm okay with eating that isn't that healthy... I have such a tiny amount of it, it wasn't worth the effort in the first place. The further along we go, the deeper I find him in my head and under my skin. Which on one hand is exasperating because he knows me so damn well and has A LOT of say and control with me... and on the other hand... it's comforting and like it's easier to breathe because he just fits so well under my skin. He's not itchy, though I do like to poke at him on occasion.

  • Lately I've been getting away with a lot. Things I do or say that a couple of months ago would have gotten me in trouble... he's letting go. He's laughing at me or teasing me. Which makes me cautious and wonder what's coming at me when he finally does decide it's enough. But, I think part of it is that he knows I can play, and poke, and give orders... and he's still in control..and we both know it. He can put me back in my place with one comment, or make me stop with an even shorter one. He refuses to tell me why he's letting it happen.. so this is what I'm going with.

  • I've discovered lately that I am very easily irritated by girls who act dizzy, or stupid when they really aren't. A friend of mine has just started dating a girl like this... I got told "Well she's wild. You may not like her. "  I told him that I tend to get along with wild and asked what he meant. Apparently being loud and acting dizzy qualifies as wild. No. No, it doesn't. Generally that combination means obnoxious and fake. On top of the fact... why would you act and pretend that you're an idiot if you're not just to get guys to treat you a certain way? That is in fact idiotic. Maybe this girl really is a moron and isn't just pretending. Yes, the snarky reader I have that tends to comment on this... this is yet another girl I don't like. Freebie. Run with it.


I think this is all I have going around in my head right now.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Because This Shit?

.....You can't make up.

Sephani: and on that note I'm off to bed to watch Despicable Me :P
Serene: Night. Bitch *glares*
Sephani: Night. Slut. *blows kisses*
Serene: *bends over*


I love us.


[caption id="attachment_651" align="aligncenter" width="208" caption="I absolutely love this icon. I'd expect to see it quite often."][/caption]

New business first yes?

I went to the doctors again. Yes. Again. This is the second or third time for this shit. Apparently with the cold I have it hangs on for about 90 days, even with antibiotics. Which I believe, because this is my second dose of antibiotics and gods knows how many cold medicine bottles I've gone through. However, this time I may have gotten strong enough pills that it will get rid of it. Hope. It's all I have :)

In other news. It's my birthday soon. Ten days away on the 17th actually. As I've stated before, my birthday is really not a big deal around here. Mostly because it's so close to christmas that people forget, or just don't have the energy to do anything for. This has been true since I was about 10 years old. Since then I've been lucky if I get a card from 1 or 2 people. My family will generally remember and say happy birthday, my friends never have, thus why I have not seen most of them in years. This year however, I am doing something different. First, Lady Di is here and remembers this shit. So, at some point I am going over to her and my uncles place. We're going to do a movie night. It should be fun, we tend to have fun together anyways, so I am looking forward to it. I may even invite Chris to go over there with me. Mostly because he seems really depressed lately and I don't particularly like that, and I think he'd have fun with us. He enjoys me and the three of us together are even funnier so I want him to go. Whether or not he will... I don't know. Maybe I can guilt him into it :D

Another update? My diet. This isn't my usual "starting over"  "frustrated" update either. Since Cael has put me on a diet I have lost 10 pounds, and that's without exercise considering I've been sick the whole time I've been on it. Now, in an effort to be honest I know some of the weight I've lost is because of the sickness. The one day it was really bad I lost over ten pounds and then gained most of it back when I was able to eat again. So, I know the cold is a factor... but ya know what? I don't care. I've met my first goal and that is huge. I'm doing this in increments of 10 pounds. I have about 70 pounds I want to lose. Once I do that then it'll be a discussion with Cael about whether I'm losing more. I could definitely stand to lose more, but we'll see. I'm focusing on this first big goal of 70, and may add 20-30 pounds to that when I'm done depending on how I feel, whether or not I'm happy with the way I look etc.   ... notice I didn't add what Cael wants for that last bit? Because any time I ask what weight I should be at when I'm done, or where I should be when I move... I get told "Healthy" which while it isn't very helpful now it lets me know that as long as I'm healthy he doesn't care that much.(He is so my favorite person(Sorry Sephi! :D ). More on that in a paragraph or so) I'm actually looking forward to being able to work out some. Getting my exercise mat out that I stretch on, going down and using the exercise bike (not using the treadmill for a bit. That fucker tries to kill me) and I think Lady Di is giving me her Gazelle to use. Should be interesting... ya know.. when I do the splits too far and get stuck, then start laughing and fall on the cement floor in the basement.

I've also been really good at watching what I eat the last while. Making sure it's healthy and I have variety. For breakfasts I've been mixing and alternating egg whites, whole wheat toast, grapefruit, yogurt and I have some smoothie recipes that are good for you that I haven't tried yet. I also have meal replacement shakes that will get used at some points. For lunches I've been having wraps with turkey or chicken, mustard or chili type sauce, cucumber, tomato, lettuce, a bit of cheese and anything else that sounds like it would be good in there. I've been having healthy little snack type things with it like apple sauce, or fruit, or random veggies, etc. Suppers? They've been interesting. I've had to find a balance between healthy for me and something everybody else will eat. This week I've had/will have veggie stuffed chili,  taco salad, baked fish, ham, and homemade stuffed chicken breasts, not the kind you buy. It's going well. I'm happy. I'm also taking my multi vitamins and vitamin C again. I'm contemplating taking the parsley pills again once I feel better.

Now. Onto slightly new news that has already been posted about but needs clarified.

This morning I woke up to an email asking me why I was moving if I was so scared and clearly didn't want to. Last night Cael made a comment about my being scared. but I honestly think that some fear is justified so NEH!

First, I do want to move. Very much. However last night by the time I made the post I was in a panicky mindset so all the good things kind of got lost or glossed over. While there are a lot of scary, unsure things to this... there are a lot of positive. I will actually get to be with Cael.  There will finally be a steady stream of dominance over me and I crave that so badly, not to mention sex, and all the other fun things. I'll finally be able to get away from some of the family that drive me insane. It's a chance to do new things, meet new people I don't like ( :D ).  Mostly though... I get to wake up with Cael,go to sleep with him, touch him, be touched, play, make stupid jokes, comments, teasing and various other things and be close enough he can react to me. I may say that I'm bratty now so he can't reach me... but I want that reaction. I want the dominance, control and playfulness that it adds. I want to be able to walk up and grope him and get in trouble for it sometimes. I want to be attacked and pinned. I even I want to curl up and ignore him or bug him while he plays video games. Basically, I want him around and I want to be around him. I want him to be part of my life not just around it like everybody else has been. And I think he wants the same. The other night he mentioned putting me on his benefits at work. Not only is it a good step with being together... but it means a hell of a lot to me. Even before Cael was around I worried about how I was going to pay for my medications. Full time jobs aren't always the easiest things to come by, and you can't get benefits with a part-time job. I could apply for health care through other avenues... but they tend not to cover as much and I'd have to pay into it. With my asthma medications and birth control, etc that I'm on... it would still be fairly expensive. For three months without coverage it would almost $600. So this benefits thing... it literally made me tear up. Because if I were to fail it would be the prescriptions that did it because that doesn't include getting sick, misplacing an inhaler and various other things that would/could happen. He's also thought about how we'd move me and various other things. That means a lot to me. I've had other guys want me to move with them but they did nothing to prove it.  So will I move? Yes. Do I want to move? Yes. Is it scary? Hell yes. That's not even taking into account where the hell I'm going to put my stuff. I have a ton of body lotions, sprays and the like. And Other than wearing it all I have no idea what I'm going to do with my necklaces and bracelets. They can't go in a jewelry box some of them are too big or delicate and would be fucked. Right now they're all hanging from the rod in my closet. Mayhaps I'll wear half and Cael can wear the rest?

A happy, frazzled, scared, ecstatic,


Thursday, January 6, 2011

Fear OR Holy Mother Of Fuck

Today has been good and scary. I basically need to empty my head and hope the flutter of panic goes away.

As I've written before, I plan to move to be with Cael. It's absolutely where I want to be. He is where I want to be. Today he even made some comments that let me know that he's thought about it as much as I have, planned things. It made me really happy.

Then I sat for a minute and reality crashed upon me. While I want to is scary as hell.

  1. I have lived in my current town my whole life.

  2. I have lived in the same house for 16 years.

  3. Everything I know is here.

  4. Everybody I know is here.

  5. Leaving my animals is not something I'm  looking forward to.

  6. Adjusting to living on your own is scary and hard... doing it 5 hours away from home is terrifying.

  7. Going from never seeing Cael, to seeing him everyday is something I'm looking forward to... but it's a big change. It's going to hard sometimes. Nobody gets along all the time, especially when they move in with each other.

  8. Add in all the typical first time, not knowing how to do shit.

  9. Plus, add in my weight issues and me so badly not wanting Cael to see me like this...


Add about 50  other things that have just flown my mind because I'm tired, sick and a little scared... and wow. But then... it's Cael. And that? That seems to negate all the other stuff and make me want to go. I'll probably bawl... but I'll go.

Sigh. I need a nap and more medicine haha.

Sunday, January 2, 2011


...I read both your and Caels blogs. I was actually wondering how you feel about him being around models all the time and that he has "standards" he sticks to.


This is a portion of an email I received weeks ago. It was a question I answered over email to the person but lately I've been thinking about it more so I figured I'd make a post out of it.


The photography end of things is something he enjoys. How can I not support that? To be honest... it doesn't bother me in the sense that most people think. I'm not jealous, I'm actually happy that he's found something he likes and generally has fun with. Being around the girls doesn't bother me. I think part of it is knowing that he wants me up there even though he's around them... but other than that, I'm not sure why that end of things doesn't bother me.


What does bug me you ask? The man has dated a model, he's played with them, he sees them entirely or very close to naked. To be a model... unless it's a plus size model you need a good body. That is what bugs me. It's not even a "I hate it" type bug, it's that it's intimidating as hell. I most definitely do not have a model body. I wont tell how much I weigh, on the blog or even to Cael. Eventually I may share how much I plan to lose/have lost on here. I may share that with him now but I'm really undecided on it. If told to I would... but otherwise.. I doubt I will... because it goes back to intimidation. Yes, he has seen pictures of me, pictures of my body that didn't make it to the blog and he says I still turn him on... but it bugs me. It's in my head that the stumbling block resides. Adding the whole model thing to that... it's scary. It really is. However, I'm working on it and trusting him. As far as the standards? I don't think I've ever been told what they are so I don't really think much about them. He hasn't run yet :)