Thursday, January 6, 2011

Fear OR Holy Mother Of Fuck

Today has been good and scary. I basically need to empty my head and hope the flutter of panic goes away.

As I've written before, I plan to move to be with Cael. It's absolutely where I want to be. He is where I want to be. Today he even made some comments that let me know that he's thought about it as much as I have, planned things. It made me really happy.

Then I sat for a minute and reality crashed upon me. While I want to is scary as hell.

  1. I have lived in my current town my whole life.

  2. I have lived in the same house for 16 years.

  3. Everything I know is here.

  4. Everybody I know is here.

  5. Leaving my animals is not something I'm  looking forward to.

  6. Adjusting to living on your own is scary and hard... doing it 5 hours away from home is terrifying.

  7. Going from never seeing Cael, to seeing him everyday is something I'm looking forward to... but it's a big change. It's going to hard sometimes. Nobody gets along all the time, especially when they move in with each other.

  8. Add in all the typical first time, not knowing how to do shit.

  9. Plus, add in my weight issues and me so badly not wanting Cael to see me like this...


Add about 50  other things that have just flown my mind because I'm tired, sick and a little scared... and wow. But then... it's Cael. And that? That seems to negate all the other stuff and make me want to go. I'll probably bawl... but I'll go.

Sigh. I need a nap and more medicine haha.

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