Thursday, January 13, 2011

And then? There was silence.

Without going into huge detail and raking up stuff that's already been dealt with...Cael and I had a miscommunication...for months. It essentially came down to me not explaining enough, and neither of us asking and clarifying enough. Which happens with relationships... there are always bumps in the road, a learning curve, etc. This one however affected both of our plans about me moving. He thought I had a lot of schooling left and would be a couple years and thus would have time to get a house before I move... I was giving it until fall or winter ... quite a big difference there. So while we have talked it out and agreed on conditions to it being later(it may be sooner if his cousin moves out... and I may or may not be lighting candles and chanting a move out prayer while dancing around naked in hopes to tip the scale), hoping for it to be sooner and eventually accepting the suckyness that is having to still isn't pleasant.

Other than the obvious hell of having to wait even longer to be able to be with him... it put us both in an odd mood. Misunderstandings suck, especially when you're both under each others skin. He doesn't like when I'm sad, especially when he knows he had something to do with it... I'm the same way. ... I couldn't help but be sad about this so we kind of took turns... I was sad and he was upset because of it. Then somewhere along the line we switched and he was sad and I was upset because I hate seeing him like that. It's a vicious little circle.We had moments where we were okay, others where it went back down the gutter a bit. Which is fine, I'm not expecting everything to be perfect all the time or ever... neither of us are perfect and I think we both accepted long ago that we would make mistakes with each other and in general but in the end it is worth it. We want to be together, there will be rough spots and they aren't a reason to call the whole thing off.  So eventually we said goodnight early... not going to lie.. I initiated it. I knew he was upset and sometimes leaving him alone and giving him space is the best option. And while it was my idea...I missed him and felt bad that it wasn't resolved to the point we were both okay. We both seemed to have an odd feeling left over from it.

Today I've been thinking. After he mentioned a house last night we started talking about furniture... little things, and it hit me... It will be Caels house. He's choosing the majority of things that will go in... chances are he will be choosing which house... I'm sure he'll let me give my opinion on things if I'm around but in the end it's all his choice. At first this kind of bugged me. Because while I will be living there... it will be HIS. Not OURS. That bugged me because I didn't know if I'd be comfortable with that... I've always grown up with the 50/50 type deal when it comes to things like this. He would still be in control but Home would be OURS. Then I started thinking... I'm his too. That has made me reevaluate the whole thing. While I'd still like to do the 50/50 thing .. if that's not what he wants to do..then I'm still his, I'm still moving, it will just take some getting used to.

Something else we discussed? Spending time going back and forth between where I am and where he is in the coming months. Spending time together to make sure it will work. Which I doubt seriously that it wouldn't.. but it takes time for me to relax and be comfortable around somebody. Thus... in order to get to the point where we're comfortable and things are working... it will take time and I'm hoping that it's given. It'll also take time to figure out a balance with the Dominance stuff in person.

So what was the point of this post? Nothing other than needing to empty my head, get it out so I can stop thinking about it all the time.

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