Tuesday, November 30, 2010

If You Could Only See The Beast You've Made Of Me

I have to know..Can you howl?

 







 

I can. And believe me, you don't want to see the looks I got trying.Also? By the end of it, I would want to be bound again :p

 

Today I went in and got groceries. I also intended to get medication refilled. Only guess what? I apparently have no refills left. I'm pretty sure I did, but whatever... thus doctors appointment tomorrow. Other than that? I really have nothing going on, and nothing to say.. yet again. Though I did take some more pictures to post here... but teasing with them is much more fun.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Still

I am still sick. I actually have nothing to say today. I'm just blank and content. Other than learning I have guidelines for panties and bras as far as colour and material goes... I have just had a day. Nothing interesting, nothing insane. Just sick.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Take Two

Alright, this is the second time I've attempted to write this post. If it doesn't work... you all are just out of luck.

This will be a mish mash of a post.

First, I haven't been avoiding emails that mention Cael as one email asked. I just either haven't been able to answer the question due to outside circumstances and/or because I was waiting to do them all in one post because a lot of them are similar. However there was one email that really seemed to encompass them all so that's the one I'll use.

 
Serene,

I've been reading your blog for a while, and have actually enjoyed reading the comments you make towards Cael. But I was wondering what really was going on with him. You've never really said. I was also wanting to know how you got to be so comfortable talking about him like you do, how you feel about him. I'm not comfortable voicing those type of feelings alone with somebody, let alone to people all over the world and how you've built the connection that you've talked about. My SIR and I are having trouble getting there, we feel it some days and others we don't. I read both blogs and have noticed that you mention him more than he mentions you (though he totally does, just wondering if you had some insight), is there a reason for that?

Colette :P

Whats going on with me and Cael? I assume you mean in the big picture as opposed to the daily snippets I've given. As I've stated before, he owns me. That hasn't changed. Right now we are about 5 hours apart and plan on trying to be together and eventually moving me up to where he is with him when we're ready. As for when we plan to start this? Not set entirely. We know that I have to be done my schooling so that I am able to move. We know until then that we're both technically single so, whenever I'm finished school and we're both single.. then we try.  It's a matter of going slow and making sure we're both ready for it, not wrecking the chance that we both want. For now though? He is my owner, no matter who I date or play with. He is in control of the sexual aspect... If I want something in that realm I have to ask him before hand. That's the only rule we really have right now. Some may be added as we move forward but the majority will wait until we're actually together. With that said, it's not a rule that he gets final say on whether or not I'm with a guy... but he completely does. If he doesn't like a guy I tell him about... chances of me seeing that guy are pretty damn slim. It's part his influence, part submissive tendencies of my own, and part trust in his judgement. I'm pretty damn perceptive and accurate in my judgments of people others date, but sometimes the guys I date elude me. *shrug* There was a guy a while back, back when I was still ignoring things with Cael that wanted to be with me. I had hesitations with him for several reasons, I talked to Cael about him, he didn't like him and wanted me to be really careful... I walked away. It's just been recently that I realized why I did it. His ownership is pretty damn embedded, and I think that it's because he has been around so long, it was slow, I trust him and it was in place before I even knew what was happening. But, I've gotten off track.. shocking isn't it? :)

As far as being comfortable with how I talk about how I feel. That's both true and not true. Over text, I can say whatever I want and not hesitate. Believe me it's much more detailed over text. On the blog, it's fairly anonymous. Only 3 people who read here actually know my name. And again, it's text-based. In person, or even on the phone... I pause, I hesitate, I swallow my tongue and forget how to speak English. There may have even been a time or two I started clicking my tongue, snapping my fingers and making noises then tried to tell the person it was a long last language. It's an internal battle... I want to say them.. but making them come out is another thing. It's something I have to work on. Cael is always telling me that I say the obvious when it comes to him and what I'm feeling or thinking. And I completely do. The first guy I fell in love with... I wasn't like that with. I assumed he knew, assumed it was understood. Part of why we broke up was because of that belief. Because I didn't say the things he needed to hear and that's not a mistake I want to make again so I've put effort into saying those things. Though in all fairness.. I could probably say them less.. Cael knows me very well, he knows things before I do sometimes... he's probably the one person that I could do something for, or look at him, or touch him... and he'd get what was meant by it. So, I guess I really have no secret to tell you other than paying attention and getting to know each other and realizing that a caress or a look can mean the same as a spoken word. But, if you're dead set on the spoken word.. then nothing to do but work at it. Start small, "Thank you" "I like being cuddled up with you".. little steps. That's my plan :)

Building the connection? I have no idea. I'm not sure it's something that can be built intentionally. It's a matter of talking, of sharing, feelings, thoughts and even something that's just natural. There was always a small connection with Cael from the beginning and it grew as we went. So that one? I have absolutely no insight on. However, I do know that just because you don't feel the connection everyday, all the time... it doesn't mean it's not there. I have other examples to give, but since you started asking about Cael and I... and you want the dominance and submission angle I'll stick with us. There are days, or times where the connection isn't felt. It's still there... but nobody I know feels that connection 24/7. Peoples moods change, and that affects it. My submission and his dominance are always a connection... it's a part of how we interact with each other... sometimes an order or act of submission (such as kneeling at his feet) is enough to get that mood. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes you just aren't feeling it...and that's okay. It doesn't mean you don't have one or that you need to worry about it.. it'll be back. Relationship and their moods/stages are really quite liquid. Always moving, always changing. It's the changes everyday that keep it from getting stagnant, even if that means you need to spend some time in separate rooms, doing separate things. It happens, and it's okay.

I agree, I totally mention him more. I made a post a few days ago with a quote that read "You possess a large portion of my little world." It's a very true quote. In general with these types of relationships, the other person becomes more important than usual because of the dynamic. I found that it's especially true for the submissive(though there are always exceptions). Even reading through blogs, if a submissive and a master both have a blog... the submissives writing tends(though not always) to center a bit more around their dominant, than the dominants around the submissive. I'm sure there are lots of theories on why, but I think it's because dominants tend to become the center of our world, they're what we revolve around, what we come back to.

I think that covered about every question anybody had sent me. If I'm wrong and missed your question in there, then shoot me another email and I'll address it next post.

 

 

Now, for the regular blog update.

Today... I spent all day upgrading, downloading and changing shit on my computer. I'm happy with the outcome so far, but it's a lot of work when you seem to have bad luck with these things. I also watched Sephi spend a large portion of the day trying to fix the main computer. It seems to be running better, but teh babeh is old. .... I know I said that this would be a mish mash post... but after answering those questions.. My mind is kind of empty or anything else I planned to say. So, considering I'm still sick, I bid you all goodnight :)

 

Just A Dash

A dash becuase this post will be a little bit of everything.

I've been hoarding email questions. Mostly because they are about Cael and for various reasons I wasn't able to answer them when I received them. Plus... it's just easier to do them all at once because quite a few of them were the same.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Peaceful





She'd been sarcastic and moody all day. Every little thing set her off. She could see The Look he gave her every time she snarled, she knew she was pushing her luck. But today? Today she didn’t care. She kept pushing, kept pulling the loose strings of the last rapidly fraying thread of patience he had. When he ordered her to strip, something in her snapped causing her to stomp her feet, yell, and curse. She kicked off her pants, her anger soaring as she was faced yet again with the reality that he didn’t allow her to wear underwear, something so tiny yet in the moment so irritating. As her anger boiled up, her face turning red, she tore her shirt off, and turned to throw it at him. Just before she let go, her fingers lingering on the cloth, her face was slammed against the wall, his hand ever so conveniently guiding her there.

He growled into her ear every rule she had broken. Every time she'd pressed him today. As her chest heaved, fear sinking in, her skin grew cold and his teeth sank into the back of her neck. He bit until she was sure that his teeth met inside her flesh and she froze. Every ounce of anger, every sarcastic muscle in her body paused as her mind emptied, and her soul split open running in wet rivulets between her legs. Just as her knees started to buckle his hands wrapped around her wrists, pinning her to the wall, holding her up.

He knew her inside and out and he knew which buttons to push, which switch the throw to bring her to her knees and set her free. As his hands tightened on her arms, she knew she would be bruised and a smile silently curled her lips.


Friday, November 26, 2010

Contemplation

Today I've been thinking. Mostly about myself and what why I can't seem to stick to a schedule anymore. For about the last month or so I've been trying to get myself into a routine. Waking up early, going to bed at a reasonable time, exercising, and filling my day with things that need to be done, should be done, things to better myself, etc. I can't seem to do it. I just can't.

I set my alarm... and every morning I sleep through it or wake up enough to shut it off and don't remember doing it. ... it goes downhill from there.

A long time ago I read a blog post by one of my favourite authors where she talked about having the same problem and that most of the writers she knows have the same issue. That it's something with that mindset, or seems to be. I write, it's not very good lately (getting back into it) but I still do it... and I'm starting to think that she's right.

The only time I have ever been able to stick to a routine/schedule of any kind was when I was with B. He set it up, told me when to be up, what to do in my day... things I had to do. Once they were done, I had free time to do whatever I want. Turns out, I need that structure.

So what does that mean for a routine right now? It means that it's not likely unless somebody takes control of it.

In other news? Still sick. Verrah sick. I pretty much have no voice. Which is really unfortunate because gods have I had some funny comments pass through my mind.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

*headdesk*

I'm sick. I'm feeling like death warmed over with a little dash of delusional added in.

BUT! While I'm sick I managed to make soup. My favouritest cream of broccoli soup. Om nom nom! Plus while I was trying to keep my mind busy and not worrying about Cael.. I made a cake, some spinach dip and ground a bunch of my coffee up. So good.

As you can see I really have shit all to say. I'm not even funny, and quirky like usual. I'm just bleh.

I hope to be back to my usual insanity soon. I really, really do. If nothing else, I amuse myself in that state. In this one? I'm ready for the next crazy bus out of here... and usually I'm the one giving the tours in that town. Oh how the crazy have fallen!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Yep.

This? I want it.



This to me, is the ultimate use me pose. And I will most definitely be asking for it, asking...begging...pleading. Whatever it takes.

Relief

Today I had a flash of relief so strong, I was actually dizzy. Cael was MIA for a while for reasons, and I was worried for several reasons. Seriously... like ready to pack my shit and go up there worried. When he text me and told me what happened, I literally got light-headed I was so relieved. Now I'm still ready to pack my bags and go up for other reasons... but I can't. He's told me he wants me to stay here and finish my schooling. Which in a way is a form of getting me up there since I wont go until my schooling is done, thus me staying and getting it done... means I'd get to go sooner. But, but I'm still worried. What's happening is a pretty big deal and I want to be up there for him and for me. But he's in charge. So I will stay here, I will do as I'm told. Though I will be making sure I get updates on what's happening. I will not be in the dark. I spent two days there... and I must say, unpleasant.

Don't you all love when I make no sense!? I promise I will soon :) Well, as much as I ever did.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Need



This right here? This is a touch of possession. This is what I want, crave and need.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Unpleasant

I've written here everyday for a while now. I have absolutely nothing good to say right now, but why louse up my record.

Because I have nothing good to say, I will abbreviate my thoughts, skip details and make absolutely no sense to most of those who read here.

I'm scared. (More like terrified but why quibble?)

I'm not sure there is enough bubble wrap in the world right now.

I'm worried. Like a mother some would say ( :) )

If I find alcohol... somebody will be beat. Most likely severely.

Worst part? I will have absolutely no way of knowing if something has gone wrong, especially if it's gone really really wrong. I'll be completely in the dark. And that? That is scary.

That's all tonight.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Brat

Today I was told I am a brat. Yep. Cael said it. I was shocked. How could I possibly be a brat!? You know, other than the sarcasm I added into my "thank you" to him. It was a sincere thank you... but it needed some attitude. It just did.  I can almost feel the anticipation you all have for me moving up there and being within reaching distance when I do this shit.

So, I am finished my psych... after I was so subtly pushed into finishing it immediately by "Teh all-powerful domly one."  Now I have a day or two to do nothing... until I get more psych. Yes. Moar.

As my brain is drained I am giving you this :


There were nights she was uncertain. There were nights she wanted to run. But tonight as his arms tightened around her, as his breath caressed her ear and he growled "Every breath you take is mine. Every beat of your heart is mine. Every tremble, and every moan. You're mine," there was no doubt in her mind, or her body as she arched and opened to him. Tonight she was his.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

A Day Of Remembrance

Today is Transgender Day of Remembrance. The day where we all remember, and think about those who have been killed because they were transgender. The last couple of years I haven't lost anybody. But three years ago I did. She was one of the most wonderful I'd ever met. Anything you needed she did for you if it was possible. But, that didn't stop people from hating her, and eventually she took her life because of it. She wasn't killed by anybody elses hand, but as far as I'm concerned every insult, every beating, every action of hate is what pushed her to the edge and killed her.  

In honor of her, and this day I'm sending everybody to http://www.gender.org   and to http://www.khaoskomix.com/   The first will be self-explanatory. The second is actually a comic. It's one of only two I read online and deals with gay and transgender people. Theres a tab to the right of the site with the stories.  I recommend starting from the first and working your way down, they're all intertwined.


Enjoy yourselves.

Friday, November 19, 2010

I'm Having Flashes. Oh How I Wish They Were Hot.

A conversation I've had with Sephi

Serene: Have you ever purred at Karson unintentionally?
Sephani: not that I know of :P\
Serene : *hangs head* Shit. I just purred when Cael text me.
Sephani: awwwwwww
Serene: I can just see me purring when he walks into a room.
Sephani: haha so can I :D
Serene : *covers face*
 Sephani: *pets*
Serene: Don't encourage the kitteh! 
Sephani: aww but..but....it purrs!
Serene: I can see when we meet that'll be a source of entertainment for you. "Cael leave the room and come back! I want to hear her purr! "
Sephani: :D moi?
Serene: Oui.
Sephani: ok maybe a lil :D
Serene: Smidgen huh?
 Sephani: uh huh
Sephani: but only because I CARE
Serene: about your entertainment?
 Sephani: well yeah that too of course
Sephani: can't fault a girl her entertainment can ya?
Serene: I suppose so
Serene: or not
Serene: No more thinking!
Sephani: nu uh! you already agreed!
Sephani: I win!
Serene: Sigh. Fiiiine
Sephani: *dances*
Serene: I hope you fall off your piano!
Sephani: not this time miss ma'am!
Sephani: I has skid proof shoes
Serene: Fine. I hope you fall off your organ... later. *wiggles eyebrows*
Sephani: ROFL cheeky
Sephani: I like it :D
Serene: So, no more coffee for me? 
Sephani: probably not


 

The flashes I'm getting? They're of all the responses to Cael that could come up just by him walking into the same room as me. It could get very embarrassing. Even now I purr at his texts, or wiggle, or smile uncontrollably. All of that could happen. I'm just hoping I don't get to the point of saying "Yay" or clapping. Really, really hoping.

 

Now, as for the piano comment above?

 







That's my happy dance. Thus the piano. The organ thing was just unfortunate *Nods*

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Random Thoughts, Also known as Fuck All


  • I have been trying sooo hard to get my psychology typed up. I've spent all day on it... and I'm not even through one book. Discouraging to say the least.

  • It took over an hour to cook meatballs tonight. The fuckers just wouldn't cook. I'm pretty sure if I looked closely there were picket signs that read "Eat Chikin" Like those commercials.

  • There are currently people in my house. I'm not a fan of people in my house.

  • Today I was told that Chivalry is dead and all of his friends followed quickly after.

  • I've also noticed that when Caels mood is down, or at least not up like it usually is... it affects my mood. All day I just wanted to curl up in his pocket, be close to him and cuddle and that's where my mood stayed, not up or down... just meh. Then we talked some more and as his mood rose... so did mine. It could be a coincidence, if it happens again then I'll know but either way... interesting.

  • I've run out of things to say. Blank.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I Don't Have Wings So Flying With Me Wont Be Easy

*headdesk*  *headdesk*  *HEADDESK*  *HEADFUCKINGDESK*

Remember how I said that Cael has gotten his dominant back and I was excited about it? Good. Because I am. I'm ecstatic about it, I'm actually much happier than I've been in about a year with just the little hints of dominance that he's added back and shown.

However, there is still a missing element here. The play. Not physical but still fun, still enjoyed, still craved (though in all fairness that craving tends to be directed towards him in general but play is part of it.).

The play hasn't happened in, pretty much a long time. And I'm frustrated. Shitty part is, I'm not even frustrated with him. It's not him or his fault, yet when things came to a screeching halt tonight I still got snippy with him. I got frustrated and my first reaction was to just close down. I believe my exact words were "Okay. Sorry."  followed by "Goodnight." That lasted all of about 5 minutes after he sent his goodnight text. I sent a tiny brief explanation of my reaction and a proper goodnight. There was just no way I could leave it like it was. I couldn't. I felt bad, and I felt sorry, and to be honest I teared up(partly my unwarranted response, partly frustration, partly the way he handled it and me(not that he handled it badly because he didn't. Mostly because he's about the only person I've found that can actually handle me no matter what mood I get into(as of yet) he doesn't have to do much to get me to crack, open up, etc and can say things to me without pissing me off that would normally flip that little anger switch. Today it struck pretty hard. One of those odd little realizations. ) and a very large part due to the time of month it is.) (Also, I may or may not be the parentheses queen.) and needed to correct it. It really doesn't sound like much, me just being a little short with him is what most people would see. And they are right to an extent. But it bugs me.  He is the one person that I talk to about anything and everything. He pretty much means the world to me... so, I see me doing these things to somebody I really don't want to. Somebody that doesn't deserve them. It's not a huge deal and I get that. It wasn't a fight, it's not even something that we need to talk about and work through. It was a poor reaction, and in general a minor one. If I had upset him and that had been my response... then okay, I'd leave it... I'd be shrinking down into my shell until he told me it was okay, so I would be brief and wait. It was the tone, and the reason for the response that made me tuck my tail between my legs and crawl back to fix it. It's not something I can personally justify saying to him or how I want to treat him.

The reason I'm frustrated? Because he can dominate me, he can say jump and I'd ask how high,  he has pretty much every part of me. But we can't play. It's been like that for over a year now, there has been a wall there that we can't get around and it's frustrating as fuck. And I totally hold half the reasons for this too. In fact, I started it. I put up that damn wall. As I've said before, he is completely inside my bubble, pretty much the inner bubble that I don't let anybody into (It's fuckin squishy!) yet that wall has managed to hang on. It went up when I started with B. I wasn't allowed to play with other people, and B never really liked Cael much to begin with (totally getting why now ha. ) so the wall was put up so nothing sexual happened. Then B left, and after a while that wall crumbled a bit. We found a way through it. Then other things happened, on his part and mine and that wall got put back up. We're slowly taking it down brick by brick... but some days I really wish we could take a wrecking ball to that thing. Tonight was one of those and I responded badly and for that I am sorry.

So why am I writing this? Because he's asleep and I can't say all these things to him right now, and I needed to get it out, get it straight in my own head. I needed to apologize and I can't do it directly yet, but if I didn't get it out somewhere I wouldn't have slept. And? Because it's hard to say all of that over text :).  Now, if you'll excuse me I have some bricks to take down.

Outlook

This was the view out of my front window today.



 You see that dark line separating the two yards? Yeah, That is a board. There are three more hidden under the snow. There is a lot of it. It's gorgeous...as long as I'm inside.


Now this sight? This is what is in my kitchen right now. Banana bread and muffins, as Sephi asked for and Cael wants. Neener, neener. *The fact that she's going to eventually have to make this stuff for Cael anyways dawns*  A short-lived neener.



As usual, ignore the poor quality. (The muffins and bread aren't that dark....shitty lighting.)

Hi Ho Cow Patty *Giggle Snort!*

There are days, where you can't really think of a thing to write in a blog. You struggle and are reduced to daily activities, random thoughts or at times, nothing at all. Then, then there are days where topics are plunked into your lap as if out of nowhere. Before we get to that topic though, we will revisit one from yesterdays post.

Last night I couldn't fall asleep. I kept thinking. You see, my first thought with the anal plug was negative. I told Cael that once I'm up there it would be a different story, but here by myself... It would just make me growl at him. Which in all fairness, is still true. Then the thought popped into my head that it would be pretty hot to be ordered to insert it and leave it in until told otherwise. Hot enough I couldn't sleep. Everytime I closed my eyes I went off into fantasy land. Do you know how rare it is for my fantasies to include anal of some sort? Pretty rare. It may have happened once before. It was bad enough last night that I finally gave up on sleep and masturbated until it felt like my arm may fall off. Four orgasms later I drifted off to sleep and dreamt about anal. I believe I have a new fixation.

Now for the stuff that was plunked in my lap. The conversation, post and comment that lead to the title. Always finish off with the funneh.

I was talking to Sephani and she was telling me about the review she was writing. The following took place (edited for lengthy reasons) :

Serene: Haha oh I see. Is your hole too big and it fell right out? Inquiring minds *nods*
Sephani: *face palm* inquiring minds will have a review to read in a few minds
Serene: Inquiring minds doesn't want to wait. She wants to laugh now.
Sephani: laugh later :D
 Sephani: I just gotta the pics and then its all yours
Serene: Woohoo
Serene: *lays in wait on your page*
 Sephani: start your giggle engines now :P
Serene: *putter sput put purr*
Sephani: warning...there is a ninja in this post
 

Serene: You're taking forever! Don't make me flail!!
Sephani: sneeze attack :P
Sephani: it be posted!
Sephani: don't drink or eat
Sephani: read with caution
Serene: Do not touch the tea!
Sephani: DO NOT TOUCH IT!
Serene: *smiles llike the grinch. Lips curling and hair parting*
Sephani: ROFL
Serene: You will from now on be known as cow patty and you will see why in a minute

 

 



*After she read comment I made on her page*

 Sephani: you fukin bitch! ROFL
Serene: You have no idea how badly I actually want to get you assless chaps now
Sephani: you have no idea how much I'd lick toes first :P
Sephani: well...probably not but you get the sentiment
Serene: Yeah, but I bet Karson could get ya in them.
Sephani: ....you suck!
Serene : Haha maybe but it was hilarious
Sephani: true nuff :P
Serene: *wiggles*
Sephani: *makes faces*
Serene: I think I'll call my new post "Hi Ho Cow Patty *Giggle Snort!*"
Sephani: *face palm*
Serene : Well I was going to make an anal post anyways... that shit fits right in! (See what I did there? Ha!)
 Sephani: ROFLMAO I DO!~
And the comment in question?

 

 



serenesub | November 17, 2010 at 8:58 pm | Reply

Greetings Cow Patty. (If you don’t know what that means, I can’t help you.) Yippy – yi- ki- ay to you.

I for one would like to see you give this another shot. Perhaps when you come visit me we can get you some assless chaps, insert the plug and take ya for a walk outside. Don’t worry though, I’ll take ya down to the crik, you wont remember much.

Giddy on up,

Serene.

Ps. I told you your hole was too big for that thing.

(And yes, I did fix a typo in there... it was bugging me.)

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

*Trembling Breath*

(Just a note, This changes nothing from previous arrangements other than his dominant is back. )

Today? Today has made up for all the bad that was yesterday. (also, there was a number 4 last night after I posted. My water bottle exploded...soaking me and my bed. According to Cael I "wet" the bed. He thinks he's funny, lets not encourage him.)

Today began with me going grocery shopping. Which lets face it, I love to cook.. so grocery shopping is going to make me happy. It just is. After that I went to lunch with my mother and then we headed home. When I got home I talked to Sephi, and Cael. This is where my day took a turn to "Perilously close to peeing my pants happy." .... I don't think that needs to be copyrighted. I don't think anybody would steal it haha.

I have been smiling for over an hour now. It started when I was talking to Cael about christmas and vibrators (don't ask. We have unique conversations okay?) He is now getting me a christmas present, in the form of a vibrator (Squee!) Which in general makes me happy and feel special. Then I opened my mouth to ask him not to get a butt plug. Why? Because last time we talked about this... it involved a butt plug. He said since it was christmas that he wouldn't. I'm not inclined to believe him and I wont be until I open the box and don't find one. Why? Because his dominant streak has come roaring back!! Which is why I am so happy.  When I realized this, I sent him an "ass grab" over text. This was something that I used to do a lot and he'd stop me, or do something to retaliate. Lately he's just let me do it. So basically it was a test to see just how much of this streak had come back. Yeah. It's almost all back*prances in a circle*. He stopped me and told me that I hadn't earned PDA yet. It's something I have to earn, it was at this point that I wiggled and almost swooned. Plus, I found out he's already contemplated other rules for whenever I'm up there and I may get some more (other than the stretching and play time ones I already have) for down here.  I am so happy. I've smiled so much my cheeks hurt.

My little world? It's been set right today. *nods* Now, if you'll excuse me I'm off to go prance and smile gleefully. (And for Sephi's benefit, mostly because I doubt anybody else will get the symbolism here) You can call me flower.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Holy Epic Fail Batman! (Just plain batman... not Sephi, you see she is "The Batman")

Today, Well today failed spectacularly.

In all fairness it started last night around 2 am when I heard somebody beating on my front door. Now, generally if I heard somebody knocking on my door at 2am... I would not be inclined to answer it. But, this was most definitely a frantic, somethings wrong knock...besides, I live with hunters I'm fairly secure haha. However, I am still paranoid so I flipped the light on and looked out the window. It turned out to be the girlfriend of a friend's father. This friend has a very long history of drug and alcohol use and abuse and then delusions of super strength. I have actually seen this guy burn his leg to the point of pretty much seeing bone and not want to go to the hospital and acts like nothing has happened. Turns out this guys dad had walked into my friend's house to find him laying on the floor drooling, pretty much unable to move. So he took him to the hospital and they pumped his stomach. Once they did that... he had decided he wanted to leave and was literally being held down in the bed by his father. After a year of not seeing this guy (random shit, lack of effort, usual stuff.) they had decided to come get me to help. Why you ask? Because this guy listens to me. Nobody knows why, but he does. He did some things back when we went to school together that made everybody else afraid of him to the point he wasn't allowed to be in the hallways alone, and he didn't listen to the teachers or anybody else.... so they'd freak out for minutes at a time at whatever he was done. When I got tired of listening to them I'd tell him to stop and he would. Once that happened I pretty much got babysit duty no matter where he was in the school. But seeing as how I got along with him and wasn't scared of him, I didn't see it as a big issue. So when he started freaking out in the ER, the girlfriend came to get me. When I got there they had cuffed him to the bed and while I was talking to his dad... he somehow got out of it. We still don't know how he did it. After him fighting people and me finally telling him to get his ass back into the bed... he did and I spent the rest of the night sitting there until the drugs wore off enough he stopped trying to leave.  That, was fail number 1.

Fail number 2 happened when I was talking to an ex and completely spaced out on other things to the point I was just answering and not really realizing what I was saying. That happened until I stopped doing the other things and realized just how far down into the ditch the conversation had gone. Once I stopped panicking I told him that I had to go and he pouted at me and I just shut shit down and left the house. Literally the house. What happened was something I have been avoiding literally for years because it causes fights and a lot of tension. And to be honest, I am just not in that place anymore. Now, now I have to deal with the aftermath. It's going to be very unpleasant. After this happened I talked to Cael about it and he is now in control of my sex life. He has teh powa! I now ask before anything like that happens, physical or not. 1. Because while my judgement is generally good, I have moments where it isn't (as everybody does) like today. 2. Because he is in control and honestly...I would most likely have asked him if I could anyways. So, now "The Man" is in charge.

Fail number 3. While walking home tonight in the dark... I walked into a garage door... that was sitting in the middle of the alley. What the fuck?!

A Day Of Epic Fail

Sunday, November 14, 2010

When someone says, "What is this world coming to?" I like to reply, "Mostly internet porn."

I was asked a question the other day about what I wanted out of this lifestyle with somebody, and if it differed from what I would want out of a boyfriend or husband that wasn't into it. Essentially my views and what I want out of a relationship, kink or otherwise.


First, I need dominance. I really, really do. I've tried relationships without the dominant angle... and I can't do it. I'm always trying to get the other person to lead, make the choices. Which will lead to a fight...or several in my case. I naturally ask what the person I'm with wants...even when it comes to haircuts, nail polish, etc.  If the sex is just sex... no force, no pain, no dominance to it at all... I get bored within 5 minutes. Biting, hair pulling, pinning, bondage... whatever, I need it in some way.  I crave the dominance on a really deep and basic level, I really do.

When in social situation I do need somewhat of a touch stone, a guide. I'm not comfortable with a lot of people, if they're new people... I am really uncomfortable with it. I need somebody that will say "Sit here"  "Do this" or if all else fails, just sit me beside them and I will eventually come out of my shell.

I'm a textile junky. Add that to the submissive need to touch their master, and stir in a little "I like you and want you close" and I like to be touching the person I'm with, a lot. Most guys can't handle or don't like it. I'm not clingy or following them from room to room by any means. But if they're near me... I will touch them. Or if I'm feeling the need I'll move to them and get a hug or sit at their feet or just sit near them so I can touch them. If we're alone those touches tend to be more sexual, more random kisses or gropes. But with other people around I rub their back (generally unaware that I'm doing it too), or play with the little hairs on their arm. Silly little things that make me feel connected that I've found most people who aren't dominant... don't like. Or more so, don't understand even if I've explained.

I need somebody that is committed. I don't walk away when there's a problem. As far as I'm concerned, if you love somebody then there is very little that can't be worked through. Humor is something else I need. I really do... or my ass will be bruised at all times. Somebody that accepts my smartass side and thinks that my humor is funny and entertaining, not irritating and needs to be beaten out of me.

Those are a few of the requirements, the ones that came to mind as I was writing this. There are of course more complicated ones, more in-depth ones... but these cover the basics fairly well.

Now? Well, now I'm introducing a new segment here on the blog. I will post a picture, and a piece of writing afterwards. Whether or its a quote, a sentence, a paragraph, poem or story is up for grabs. As is how often it will happen but I'm starting it today.





 

You are a large portion of my little world.    ~ Serene

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Guffaw Quote of the Day

" I majored in Talking With A Slur and graduated with a Yes Masters Degree."


*cackles!!*

Saturday, November 6, 2010

This.

This right here? I want it done to me. *Looks in Caels direction* Make a mental note dear. Please?

Friday, November 5, 2010

Fifth Of November

Remember, remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot.


 


Seeing as how my brain is mush, and anything I want to rant or talk about... I can't. I'm sending you all here Why? Because it's November 5th and one of us should be learning something, it's clearly not going to be me! *Wipes goo away from ear*  So, go forth and learn! I may post again later, I may not. I like to be unpredictable.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Goo Be Gone

The last few days, weeks even I have had The Goo. The Goo is residing in my head where my brain used to be. My brain you see, has liquified. No real specific reason why, other than a build up of things and my mind just quitting. It packed its bags and said "I'm out!"

Now as I have had several emails from my last post I will update it. Yes, my cat was found. She is safe at home, snuggled in snoring away on my bed where she belongs. My back is doing better. I'm actually able to move now. Though I did spend a lot of time crawling around and have bruised palms to prove it. Muscle relaxers help... though not when talking to Sephi and she makes me laugh... then it just plain hurts *glares in her direction*   As for the thing I wasn't ready to talk about? I'm not going to. If this person decides to then it's fine but since I was in the dark... I don't have much to say. Especially now that it's resolved and all is okay.

And the new things I planned to talk about? I can't yet...it's not resolved and honestly? I'm scared, worried about it. It's a little terrifying. I'll share when and if I can.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Quickie, take two.

To make this post short. The last few days have managed to fucking suck spectacularly. The first thing I'm not ready to talk about so we're going to skip over it. The morning after the first... my cat ran away. I found her but it was scary as hell. I've had her ten years.   The third thing? Well, it is why this post is short. Remember months ago I explain how my back sometimes acted up to the point of being absolutely unable to move, and ended up on pain killers/muscle relaxers just so I could breathe? Yeah. It's happened again.  Rough fucking few days. Now, I hurt, really really badly so I'm going to leave this here. (Almost every muscle is connected to your back.... believe me.)

Monday, November 1, 2010

About The Time I Lost My Shit

That time ladies and gentlemen? Was today. About 20 minutes ago actually. So why am I writing this post so soon after? Well you see... I can explain what happened better here to somebody I need to explain it to, rather than over text. I tend to be wordy and need to explain things and do you know how many texts it would take to get through something like this? A lot. My poor little thumb couldn't handle it on its own.

So, Sephi and I were talking... it started innocently... or as innocent as we get anyhow.