Thursday, March 31, 2011

Itty Bitty

Update! And yes I realize I still owe a post. It'll get made up...somwhere sometime.

Today several things happened and I'm not feeling too great so you get another list.

  1. I went furniture shopping. Did. Not. See. One. Oversized. Chair. Anywhere. Yet all of them list them on their websites. Well wonderful... but when you're trying to compare them it's not helpful at all!

  2. Found out we're waiting to get furniture so that some of us can get glasses. Myself included. My chair is totally falling apart, brackets broken..I have to constantly balance but I am constantly feeling like hell because I need glasses.. so glasses it is.

  3. My grandparents anniversary party is on Saturday. Lots of people. Lots of people I don't like. I'm attempting to figure a way out of it. Desperately.

  4. Sephi, Cael and I talked today. It was fun... until they ganged up on me. Bastages.

  5. During the previously mentioned conversation I became bothered. I couldn't figure out why, that was until I talked to Cael after. I've known him almost 4 years. For the most part we've talked and played and liked each other and been fairly close but over the last year or so we've gotten closer in a way that's really not explainable. We let each other in further than most people get. In doing so we inevitably talk to each other and interact differently than we do with other people.  It was so gradual and normal for us that I totally forgot what he was like before that happened. Seeing that side of him come back out with Sephi caught me off guard. I remember it's there now and will be expecting it next time, but it was a bit of a jolt.

  6. I've come to learn that I value the side of him that I get. I value it a lot. I love that I'm one of very few people that he's let in that far. Let see that side/much of him. We've merged our bubbles. Red and blue make purple sort of thing.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011


My internet has been fuckered, thus I have missed posts. Not only my posts but others as well.  Over the next bit I'll write make up posts but for now, a small summary of a few things.

  • I am now defining Cael and I as C/s ....Cael/serene. M/s O/p D/s ... none of it fits. And TTWD (This Thing We Do) irritates me so we are C/s. *nods* He is in control, I wear the shiny thing...I don't have enough energy to delve in and explain every detail of what we are.

  • I missed posts on a few beloved blogs. Some of those blogs are now locked. Some of them deleted. Some of them state either on their blog or elsewhere that their relationship with their dominant has come to an end. We as readers definitely get invested in those writing blogs. We all hurt for them. And while I do.. I also get concerned. Some of these blogs that have disappeared were long-term relationships. I don't mean 5 years. I mean 10, 15, 20 plus years together. Living together, married or not is hard enough. This lifestyle can add extra strain, extra attention and care to it. When I see people I've talked to, who I've heard gush about their partners 15 years in suddenly disappear and split... it's a scary thing. It reinforces how much time and commitment is needed to the lifestyle and more importantly to each other.With every blip, or fall out I see... I curl that much tighter around Cael. I value him and the way we interact THAT much more. Both of us seemed to think along the same lines as far as relationships. You don't give up. You don't walk away. You work on it and try to fix what's wrong. There's very little that can't be overcome if you work at it hard enough. I'm not saying that these people didn't do that. For all we know they may have been trying for months or years. I'm just glad we both think that way. So far we've had a couple little blips, both from him and from myself. Hell, we've watched the other date, submit, master and play with other people for almost 4 years. Yet we still came back to each other. Every. Time.Seeing people throwing out the lifestyle, or their marriage/relationship seems to push me closer to him. Not because I'm scared that we'll fail too, but because I love knowing that if we do...we try again. We try a different route. Seeing things fall apart in person or on the web is like a mini eye opener to remember what I have and how long/hard I fought to get it. I luff that man to absolute fucking pieces and I don't think there's anything short of death that would get me to walk the other way.

  • On a happier note... Cael is getting a fantasy realized at some point. He brought up playing with a couple. Female subs of course. He wants to watch me play with other girls, and he was oh so smooth bringing it up too ( -.^ ). But I am open to the idea...provided I like the girl and am comfortable with everything to do with it.

  • Cael and I have been talking about furniture lately. We both want huge oversized chairs. At this rate we may both end up with one. They go in the man cave... along with the foam throwing bricks and pool noodles for beating each other with. ...Seriously can't wait to have Sephi over :D

Now, I am exhausted. I am going to bed.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Sneaky Buggers

These posts keep sneaking up on me. I do one and then before I know it I have another one due and it's like I JUST wrote one. It's a good thing I checked or I wouldn't have posted tonight. Then I'd be in trouble... which again I'm sure I just did :D

Since I didn't expect to do a post tonight, I really don't have much to say.  I have however been working on one for a while so, tonight's the night it seems.
I was supposed to be better at this than I am. I'm not.

We're never supposed to disagree. We do.

He's supposed to be omnipotent. He's not.

I'm supposed to be horny all the time. I'm so totally not.

He doesn't always have the right answer or do the right thing or even know what to do. I often say and do the wrong thing, and think I know what he should be doing.

We're not independently wealthy, the kid didn't get a full scholarship and wants to go anyway, the medical bills never end, the job market sucks, he gets called in to work at all hours of the day and night, I'm not an amazing cook nor am I champion coupon clipper, the septic tank needs pumped, he plays D&D, the cat puked on the carpet-

I'm on medicine that gives me headaches and fucks with my sexual function. He's getting arthritis in his knees and shoulder.

I seem to think I can quit "this" when it gets too hard. And it scares the shit out of me that he lets me.

And that's just the short list. ;-)

Kaya wrote this on a fetlife thread about reality. If you've been reading here lately you know I've had my own dose of reality lately and am in for another one when I move up with Cael. Reading this comment gave me a moment of "Yeah! Why can't more people get that?!"

I've been talking to a few new subs that came into this having watched a movie or read a book and expected this life of slavery/property to be sensuous, loving, sexy and one long constant "scene." I've even read a post or two in various places from subs about expecting things to be perfect within two weeks of moving in with their owner (and this is assuming there weren't any huge life changes involved such as divorce, moving across the country, giving up jobs,family and friends, etc.) and are pissed and disillusioned when it's not what they expect. Two. Fucking. Weeks. I even read one the other day where a sub was having a hissy fit because her Dom dared to punish her. Really? How rude!  I try to be nice. I really truly do. But I think we all know how that ends. Which, is part of why I don't comment on fetlife, or other BDSM thread like discussions... people have got their heads so far up their asses they have created a permanent rectal cranial inversion *nods*.

I am by no means perfect. I fuck up. Want proof? Scroll down a post or two. But some of it is truly amazing. Now, to address Kaya's comment I am going to take it a piece at a time. I've been procrastinating on writing this because there is soo much I want to say and I just keep thinking of more. So to avoid a nonsensical ramble this is how it will work. Don't worry, you'll get the ramble at the end. I seen the worry.
I was supposed to be better at this than I am. I'm not.

We're never supposed to disagree. We do.

He's supposed to be omnipotent. He's not.

First..if you've read Kaya's blog you know damn well that she's pretty damn amazing. BUT.. that statement is soo true for everybody. We're all supposed to be these invincible perfect robot people. Slaves are to never ever disobey or disagree and dominants must at all times be dominant and in control. Lies. Pretty, would be wonderful lies. But lies. Cael and I disagree. We haven't had a straight out fight yet and we've known each other about 4 years. One of us always ends up feeling bad and apologizing before it ever gets that far or we've managed to keep it civil and talking not yelling and getting really angry. I have no doubt in my mind it'll happen. Especially for the first while after I move when we're adjusting, but we do disagree. One tick against me for slub of the year.

I'm also not good at this some times. I can stand proudly and slightly under the bus with Kaya on this one. In fact, sometimes I down right fucking suck at this. Sometimes I want to give the orders and decide what he is going to do or what we are going to do. Sometimes he pisses me off and I stomp my foot at him. Sometimes him having final say on everything, and me just being along for the ride is scary. I'm moving to a huge city... I currently live in a small town hours away. I'm leaving everything I now for him, I will be entirely dependent on him.. I don't drive, I wont know anybody. It's scary and some days I want to dig my heels in and say fuck this I want something fair! But those moments pass. Sometimes they last a week sometimes they last a minute.

For the most part Cael is in control. He's so deep in my head I do things and don't know why I've done them until I talk to him later. I am incapable of lieing to him. I am incapable of leaving. I don't even have the slightest desire to do it, even with the fear that creeps in sometimes. While all of that is true... I've still misbehaved. I know my rules, and some days I just don't follow them. I totally rat myself out but it still happens. Because. Kaya is right. They are not omnipotent. No matter how deep they are in our heads, no matter how enslaved we are there are times were we stray from their path. It's never long before we're back on it but it happens. And when it does... it's eye opening in that. I mean.. they rule all right? I'm sure that's what I was told at initiation.

I'm leaving the horny comment alone because I'm easily seduced and overpowered.
He doesn't always have the right answer or do the right thing or even know what to do. I often say and do the wrong thing, and think I know what he should be doing.

I am absolutely guilty of looking up to Cael for answers. They aren't always right... and indeed there are times where he doesn't have one. But for me, not asking when I'm unsure seems wrong. Hell, even when I'm sure what I want to do I still ask him. If he gives an answer different from mine then I let him know what I was thinking. Sometimes he agrees with, sometimes I get told I'm doing it his way. If it's the wrong answer then it's wrong and we fix it. At the end of the day he is still human...domly type or not. I've never had him on the Massteh Pedestal that some subs put their dominants on. I've known him too long and know him too well. Neither one of us is perfect...making mistakes in general and with each other is going to happen. It's not a reason to back out of everything to me. I've seen subs leave their dominant because he got a cold. That's a damn high pedestal.

As far as me saying the wrong thing and thinking I'm right... fairly constantly. I mean really.. Have you read here?!
We're not independently wealthy, the kid didn't get a full scholarship and wants to go anyway, the medical bills never end, the job market sucks, he gets called in to work at all hours of the day and night, I'm not an amazing cook nor am I champion coupon clipper, the septic tank needs pumped, he plays D&D, the cat puked on the carpet-

Everyday life reality. It's a special kind of bitch isn't it? I am over weight. I'm hiding from Cael until I can lose some of that weight. I'm asthmatic, and it constantly fucks with me. I'm struggling with motivation to finish my courses. I am unhappy living where I am without Cael. See point 2. I can't move up with Cael because there is no space where he currently is. Caels spent many many MANY days in the hospital for everything from a broken arm to bleeding in his brain.  And you know what? I'm sure if I looked hard enough in the basement I'd find cat puke too! Joys of an unfinished mess of a basement that one.
I seem to think I can quit "this" when it gets too hard. And it scares the shit out of me that he lets me.

This. THIS. I've told Cael I could do vanilla. He laughs at me and calls BS. He's right... but if he ever did just let me quit.. I'd be fucking lost. At the base of our relationship is the M/s dynamic... taking that out... I wouldn't know how to respond to him. At all. I naturally ask permission for things. And don't even get me started on vanilla sex. -.-

I've done the vanilla thing. It is WAY too much work for me. The end.

So really, Cael and I are fairly reality based with all of this. And I think that is why it gets so intense or scary when you realize you're going down this path and you aren't in charge. You aren't driving. The passenger seat can be a scary place even when you know it's what you want, and where you belong. I honestly couldn't imagine going down this no real limits path that I'm on without having a grasp on reality. Yes it sucks but without it we'd all be walking around with our heads up our asses and lets face it... it can't be easy to walk like that.


EDIT:  Comment From Cael :   "I read it. It's funny that you only said 1 point against slub of the year :) "

Such a sweet guy.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Fill Me Up

Right now I'm giving you a filler post of questions I've been asked. I know I promised  a post the other day but I'm having trouble getting it out, too many ideas coming at me at once, I don't know where to start or how to organize them yet. So while I work on it, questions!


You've mentioned Cael taking pictures, or wanting to take pictures of you and you said you were uncomfortable. Are you still that way?

Absolutely. But, at the same time I've found myself wanting him to take pictures of me when I lose weight. I want those photos whether they're just regular everyday ones or mid play ones. So while I don't want them right now I have warmed up to idea later on.


My Sire looks through my phone and computer. Insists on it but I'm not even allowed to touch his phone or laptop. Does Cael do this to you? Are you allowed to touch or go through his stuff?

Cael is at least 5 hours away from me, so it's not really an issue right now. However, to answer your question.. he has said he would leave my computer alone. I told him it didn't matter. I don't do anything on my laptop that he either doesn't know about, doesn't approve of or I wouldn't want him to know. If he were to look over my shoulder at my screen at any given point it wouldn't bother me, so him looking through it or using it after isn't a big deal to me. As far as my phone the same applies. It's mostly him I talk to anyways. Once Sephi moves back then there will be those texts he can read but I tend to just tell him what we're talking about anyways.

As far as his computer and phone... I don't know. He's fairly stressed right now so I'm not going to ask him, if he wants to comment he can later. For now, I'll guess.  His phone... 1. I don't really know how to work it and I really see no point in flitting through it. He hasn't lied to me so if I want to know something I just ask and I don't think he has anything to hide so I don't THINK it would be a big deal but I don't know for sure.  2. If it rings I'd bring it to him but not answer it... but I don't answer mine either.  As far as his computer... I know he has some photography stuff on there he doesn't want people in... other than that I don't know. I don't think he'd hide what he was doing on it from me, and as long as I have mine I see no reason to use his unless he's playing on my laptop and refusing to share. As far as just touching or looking through either one... I don't think he'd care or hide what he's doing on them from me or ban me from them so I don't really feel the need to play with them. Besides, when we live together having individual little things that are just your own is good sometimes.

Where do you keep your toys?

Right now I have a little see through tote that they're in. Each of them in a little draw string bag. Until I get enough to warrant getting something bigger or better that's what I plan to use.

I just noticed the link up in the corner .... is that new or have I just not seen it?

Haha, you're quick. It's only been there maybe two days. It links to the EdenFantasys website. Speaking of, if anybody wants a discount code for there feel free to send me an email and I'll send you a code.

I've been reading blogs for years and a lot of them are anonymous but eventually some names come out. So I was wondering if anybody on the blogs actually has your real name?

My blog is set up to by anonymous but, yes some do have my actual name. Cael of course does. Sephi does. Nilla and I email on my vanilla account so she has my name but she never uses it. Kaya is on my Vanilla facebook, and I believe that's everybody. And yes, that does me that I have a facebook profile for this blog... It's under serenesub however I never use it.

What's your favorite lube?

Honestly, I hate lube. Unless there is anal play involved I do not use it. Refuse to. I stay wetter without the lube, it seems to dry me out a bit and that is just irritating.

You mention wanting to be up with Cael all the time, if you were there what would you be doing?

Right now? Cael is very busy and fairly stressed so I'd avoid trying to bug him. Probably sit quietly with him as he worked on his school stuff. Give the odd back-rub./scratch or play time when he wanted it. Other than that? I'd cook for him. He's too busy to lately and since I'd eventually have to come back I'd make meals and freeze them for him. I don't particularly like that he's forced into eating noodle bowls because he doesn't have the time to cook. So I'd make easy freeze meals like lasagna and put them into individual tins that can be thrown into the oven and so he doesn't have to do anything other than turn the stove on and remember to take it out when it's done.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Technically This Counts

It may be cutting it close but this counts for my rules. This post is made before midnight.

I have  a post bubbling away in my head thanks to Kaya, but for tonight this is all you get.  I'll get the "real" post up tomorrow when I get it all flushed out.

Monday, March 21, 2011


Because today was rough.


Because I need to remind myself.



Things I hate.

Admitting defeat.

Admitting you failed.

Asking for help.

Disappointing Cael.

Things I've done today.

Admitted defeat.

Admitted I'm failing.

Asked for help.

Disappointed Cael.


Needless to say today hasn't been the greatest. More importantly irony has taken over. What kind of irony? The kind where I am asking for more force, for Cael to be mean. Yet while he's off thinking about it I hate it because I can't tease and play and touch like I normally do and I want to. Badly. Yet I'm asking for more. Because that? Makes perfect sense.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

One Foot In The Hole

So it's time once again for a random mishmash of thoughts.  This blog writes itself better when I'm upset, or angry or any emotion really. Lately other than wanting to be around Cael I'm just content and happy. Happy tends to result in me teasing and playing with Cael more than normal but rarely gives posts.

So what's on my mind tonight? How far down this hole I am with Cael. Not the submission, owned, possessed hole either. The I luff him to absolute fucking pieces hole. It's a deeper hole believe me.

Cael is very dominant, very much in control. He has a punishment list for me that I've managed to rack-up over the last year or so. He plans have me like his own personal sex toy(I did a "fuck yes!" wiggle when I found out. It was impressive). He makes his own ouchie toys. He's drawn blood while playing. He can be intimidating, he really can be. Yet, I'm not intimidated. I may get nervous for some of the playing, but at the same time I do want it. He has a hard, dominant, rough side.I realize that I'm going to completely ruin his domly image here but,  he has a softer side too. No really. It's not a side everybody sees, I didn't until he decided I was who he wanted to be with. I seen bits and pieces of it slip through but never all of it. I seen the protective part of him that took care of his friends, I seen the part of him that will generally put his family first unless there's a damn good reason not to, I seen the part of him that wanted a girl of his own and his own version of happy ever after but it was always vague, always covered up by harder things.

Now? I don't worry about him being too tough for me, too hard, too strict. It flutters back on occasion but it's squashed almost instantly. I wrote about stalling on my exercise and feeling bad about it all. I told him and he told me not worry about it and is helping me fix it. He's still protective, I've just seen another side of it. I know he would protect me, defend me...and he has. He'll make time for me even when he's tired and busy, even if it's just a few texts here and there. And to be honest, if you haven't been ignored and felt totally insignificant to other guys you've been with there really is no explaining how much that attention means. He now has a girl of his own that he's shared some of the happy ever after things he wants. While I'm unsure of what I want on a part or two of makes me smile that he's thought that far ahead not only about what he wants but about us too. I love middle of the night mostly asleep texts I get from him about spider-man suites, or random quotes from TV shows we both like. I like that he'll take his younger cousin out to the movies just because. I love that I can cuddle and kiss and touch and he lets me and even likes it. I love that I can send him a cuddly text and wont get brushed off I get a sweet remark. I love that he can call me "bitch" or "babe" and I still get the same smile on my face. Today he told me that he doesn't take my attention for granted and that he's lucky to have me. And again I fell a little deeper down that hole. It's a deep bitch *nods*.

Now, onto a question I received in a desperate attempt to cut down on the sap in this post.

What TV shows do you watch that Cael doesn't like so much?

....Thank you Cael*glares*.  I like older shows for the most part. There are very few new shows that I like. Cael doesn't like Roseanne...which I do. He doesn't like her voice. I watched it when I was younger and it makes me smile. I enjoy the comments.  He also doesn't like I Love Lucy. No idea why. I love this show, undertones of D/s and random spanking....there! I think that may be all that we've found so far. Possibly. Either way I'm not letting him be the one that moves my DVD collection when I move. Safety precaution.

Friday Morning Delight

Yesterday I woke up in my usual fashion, sprawled across my bed. Having showered, lotioned, brushed my teeth and done all the usual morning activities I walked out in the living room. I was through the hallway and almost to the kitchen before it dawned on me. There was something outside my front door, I could see a little brown box through the window. Upon checking the box, I realized it was from EdenFantasys. I promptly did a happy wiggle and took my package inside and straight to my room.

The box was a little worse for ware, the sides dented in and the corners inverted. I was slightly concerned. There was a glass toy inside. Rough treatment wouldn't be good. However, everything inside was in one piece. It was packed with enough paper to protect even glass from breaking which is a huge point for anybody that's had things arrive in shards.

From beginning to end the order process was one of the easiest I have ever seen or used. I think it was a matter of maybe three clicks and I was finished and my toys were ordered. When I had an issue with the address (for some reason it switched on me) I was helped within a matter of hours of submitting the issue. I was also sent a confirmation email letting me know that my package was sent, and a link to track it. The deeper into it I go, the more I find that I like about this site.

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Brief Bloops. AKA Because I Need To Get It Out

  • Seph is giving me a sad. I don't like that she's so upset. I don't like that we're both in moods to the point we've gotten snippy with each other. That? Has never happened.

  • While I am sad for my Sephi friend, reading her post was kind of a blow too. Because I so get it. She's irritated with getting teary and upset at random silly things. I do that.  She does it because she so desperately doesn't want to leave her master. I do it because I so desperately want to be with mine.

  • My motivation has gone right out the fucking window. School, exercise, everything just kind of fizzled out with my cold and I'm stuck. I don't know how to get back to where I was and it is so incredibly frustrating. I don't want Cael to see me at this weight.. so we aren't. And Now? Now I'm stuck and am having trouble seeing a way to get to him.

  • I am sick of being stuck here without him. Some days are easier than others. This is not an easy one.

  • Part of me is scared to move and be with Cael. Scared that I wont live up to what he wants me to be. Scared that I wont be able to handle how strict and rough he plans to be when he's been nothing but sweet for so long. Part of me doesn't worry about it at all. Part of me is excited that I'll get that control and force that I need. The third part of me though? Just wants to curl up and live in his pocket.

  • I want him to be a part of my life. That's the saying right? It's not true. My little world completely revolves around him. Not having him near and being apart of each others worlds in that way sucks. A lot.


Now, I'm going to go play with my dog and find something to do so I can try to shake this mood. Unpleasant bitch that it is.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


Do you all remember the question I got asked a few days ago? The one that asked if I ever lied or kept things from Cael? Do you remember how I answered that I never do and skipped off not thinking much about it?

Yeah. That's all changed.  Not because I lied to him. I didn't. Not because I kept things from him. Yet again, I didn't. Nope. It's because this morning I came face to fucking brick wall with this fact and realized just how big it is and that I can't get around it.

The last few days I've been slacking on my exercise. I'm just not back in the routine yet and getting into it this time is a real bitch. This could be because I still have a touch of the cold and it's sucking the will power and energy out of me. It could be because I haven't forced myself back into things as much as I did before. It could be because I need the kick in the ass from Cael. I don't know. Normally I'd try a few things and then go to Cael with it. Try working it out myself first.

This morning I realized that isn't even an option anymore. It's just not. When I realized what was happening this morning my first impulse was the tell Cael. Instantly. Tell him and then try working on it, but he NEEDED to know. The last few months ever since we've slid into this dynamic permanently and comfortably I've been tattling on myself all the time. As I've mentioned here, several times. But none of them have been big things. None of them have been punishable things. Just little playful, fuck myself over in a fun way things. This one really isn't.

I struggled with it for a while... but even that wasn't a struggle. I KNEW I was going to tell him what was going on. And I knew it was going to be today. But I feel bad about it. I don't like disappointing him at all. I don't like when he's upset with me. I absolutely hates when he has to punish me. Mostly though? I feel guilty. He's made me feel guilty before but it was always about not doing something that he hasn't made a rule for. This time I feel guilty because I don't want to take his attention away from his schooling. I feel horrible telling him these things when I know he's busy and his attention needs to be elsewhere and doesn't really have time for it. That? is what I fought with myself about, but even then I knew I was telling him.

Sephi told me that sometimes tattling on yourself to somebody else helps. Gives it an outlet and lets you move on and get better. Well, I talked to Sephi about this before texting him on his lunch break. Did not work for me. At all. It's him I need to tell. She offered to tattle for me. Again, not an option. I need to be the one to tell him or it doesn't count and I'd end up in more trouble for not doing it myself.

Why did I have to tell him you ask? Because I no longer possess the ability not to. I've joked about Cael moving into my head and rearranging, adding furniture etc. I've joked about him brainworming me. But you know what? It's true, and until today I don't think I realized just how true. He's gone through my head and thrown out the things he doesn't want in there and I have no system retrieval button. I told him what I've been doing because I no longer have the ability not to tell him. He's made it impossible for me to lie or keep things from him. It doesn't even occur to me, it's not an option. I told Sephi that it's like having a really well-trained dog. You can leave the door open and they may look out of it but they wont run away. But, with me? I don't even see the door anymore. It may as well not be there as far as I'm concerned. For me, leaving isn't an option now neither is lieing or withholding anything.  I should be scared. I should be worried that he has this kind of control. I should be concerned that he has that much control over me. But I'm not. It's comforting and safe. Like being wrapped up in soft snuggly blanket that you want to hug closer to you.  It was a disturbing realization at first. Now, hours later it just seems right.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Questions #3

1.  You've said in the past that you're a sexual person. What does that mean to you?

It means that I am very comfortable with my sexual side. I have no issue discussing sex in general or even my sex life with people I'm comfortable with. I tend to thrive on sex a little bit. The more I have, the better I feel, happier I am and ultimately the more I want. I'm much happier when I can randomly touch/grope the person I'm with and be able to kiss them. If I can get away with groping or straddling Cael I will. Instantly.

2.  Do you think you'll stay happy up with Cael?

I really do. If Cael was a momentary fleeting happiness it would have happened by now. I've known him for years. Living together is obviously going to take a lot of adjusting but once it's comfortable and working I know I'll be happier there with him than if I stayed here.

3. You haven't mentioned your diet in a while. Hows it going?

It's going okay. Since I started this diet with Cael I'm down 11 pounds. 5 of that from the week or so I did of exercise. The reason I haven't updated is I've had a cold and as such not much has been happening. But by 630 tomorrow morning I will be up and stretching and exercising again.

4. Cael mentioned on his blog that he has nymphomania. So I guess I have a question for both of you. Are you serene, okay with it? how do you deal with it? And cael, do you think serene does a good job dealing with it? how do you yourself deal with it?

Yeah I am okay with it. Cael has a pretty good handle on it so it be honest, unless I notice the change in him I don't worry about it. I try to be supportive, thus why sex is permitted for both of us, I really think this is the only thing I can do for now. I can't be there to play, so support is all I have. When I'm there then the playing whenever it's wanted will help, as will my high sex drive. Other than that unless he comes to me with something to talk about or I bring something up, it's not a huge deal.

Cael's Answers!

This is for Cael, I hope thats ok. Serene writes about you very sweetly most of the time. Do you do harder play, and punish her or do you just enjoy the owner aspect? For that matter, if you do like play what do you like?

At this time i'd like to think that i don't do anything too harsh to serene. The way i feel about play time is that it's so much better in person. When Serene moves up with me or I go down to visit there will be hard play (i've been known to draw blood .. by accident of course). I don't want to create a false sense of security that i then have to break down because although punishments and bruises can be given by serene to serene, is it the same? ever? No, it isn't. Generally when i play everything depends on my mood, as i said before i've been known to draw blood and give bruises roughly the size of a paddle ( i wonder why) but i've also been known to have play sessions with no marks left over. A play session doesn't necessarily mean that there has to be pain involved, I truly enjoy the owner aspect of a D/S relationship more then the giving of pain, thats usually just a side effect of a sub that breaks the rules and is taking the punishment for said infraction (btw all rules are talked over first, nothing is forced that just leads to a hostile environment and an abusive relationship)

Serene makes it very clear about how excited she is to move. Are you (Cael) excited to have her up there? What do you plan to do to her(Feel free to be explicit)?

I am excited, I wont have to do as much cleaning haha, all jokes aside my life will be easier with serene up here, no longer will i have to do with the usual anxieties of a long distance relationship. I'll be able to truly dominate Serene and play the part of a proper master rather then the text oriented relationship we now have (see above question). Not only that but as some of you may remember i am a diagnosed nymphomaniac, I've sought help for this condition in the past but the only real way to control is to completely deny in my experience... and who doesn't want sex at all? not me, having her up there will as i'm sure you all have guessed keep that side of me under bearable control. As to what i plan to do with her? well Sephi and I have recently started throwing different idea's back and forth, I hope to involve her master in those talks soon as well, A fuller answer may be forth coming.

Cael mentioned on his blog that he has nymphomania. So I guess I have a question for both of you. Are you serene, okay with it? how do you deal with it? And cael, do you think serene does a good job dealing with it? how do you yourself deal with it?

Yes i do suffer from nyphomania (for those of you wondering i use that term because it is more easily recognized the correct term is satyrmania). I am sorry to say that although play time with serene through texting ect can be fun, no it does not completely keep control of it. Physical contact is the only true way to control my issue, when i don't get that stress prevails and i go a little intense. In public i can keep tight control on the outside, on the inside i want to ravish almost anyone (that's after being without sex for a period of say... 3 months).
Serene and i have come to an agreement concerning my nymphomania, sex without relationships is acceptable on both ends. Yes I have had sex with other women, In the past i started relationships with some before we decided on our rules for each other, I have high standards though so sometimes this can be difficult and have gone the 3 months plus without sex tearing my hair out the whole damn way. On the other hand i have yet to contract an STD because of those standards.

What's Caels favorite part of owning somebody?

My favorite part? That is not something easily explained. If you have ever owned someone you'll realize just how difficult. There's no specific thing that i like about owning, the attention, the control, the amount i can dig into her brain and still be continually surprised at her tv show choices.... i feel like Sheldon sometimes when she makes comments about her shows.... I just don't understand.

Dig Deeper

For anybody keeping track you can add another tick to the Caels  Control of Serene Chart. What does that make, 65 now? More?

I was talking to Sephi yesterday and she made mention how Karson ruined her post idea by correcting her. This post would have been about the things subs do for their dominants even though they don't like them. When she said this it made me start thinking. I have come up with a list of things that I do for Cael that I don't like, haven't wanted or have just changed because of his ownership.

  1. I ordered a toy that should be here Friday. No, I'm not going to share what toy it is yet. However, it is not a toy I would have picked out myself. Ever. Yet I ordered it with a smile on my face. I'm equally dreading its arrival and wiggling in anticipation for what he's going to have me do with it.

  2. Since the order for the previously talked about toy came down...I've been looking at other toys of the same nature. Excitedly.

  3. I've been making geeky jokes... batman, light sabers, power of greyskull...they've all happened. They all occurred after Cael and I got closer.

  4. I learned months ago that Cael loves mushrooms. Since then a lot of mushrooms have made it into random recipes I've been making that they never have before. I'm totally taking his preferences into consideration when I cook....when he's about 5 hours away and has no way of eating any of it.

  5. Last night he and I were talking about Tylenol. I generally carry Advil but Cael cannot have Advil. So, I told him when I move I'll have to start carrying Tylenol for him because he gets a lot of headaches/migraines. I went to clean out my purse today, guess what I found?! Tylenol. I have never in my life bought Tylenol(or so I thought). I always get the Advil liqui-gels. Always. Sometime in the last few months I've grabbed Tylenol instead. The bottle is still sealed.

  6. I have always rolled my eyes at girls wearing gas-masks in pictures. I don't see the point in it. Looks ridiculous to me. Yet, not that long ago I seen a picture of a girl in one and though it looked pretty damn hot. Guess who likes gas-masks?

  7. I loved silk. Now, if I find something I like in silk...most times I don't get it. Silk pulls on little hairs. Cael is rather fuzzy, he voiced his dislike of it and I have not bought any since.

  8. He told me that he liked red and black panties and bras..since then when I buy new stuff I always make sure there is at least one red or black piece to the set.

  9. I despise Family Guy. Hated it for years. Cael likes it... it's suddenly tolerable.

  10. I am actually slightly excited to go up to Caels place and clean.

  11. I normally hate other people cooking for me. I want to do it. Yet, I want him to.

This list? This is just the stuff I came up with off the top of my head. This isn't deep thinking, really finding things that I haven't even noticed yet. This is just the basics. An amazing amount of brain worm right there.


As far as questions that have been sent in they will either go up tonight or tomorrow sometime. If not then... when ever Cael gets a chance to answer his so they all go up together. I don't like splitting them up.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Questions #2 : The Cael Edition

While I have had some new questions I also have some other thoughts that need to escape my head. Just so I don't shock you, it's about Cael. Yes. I know.

Yesterday we had a slight hiccup. And by slight hiccup I mean he had a momentous foot in mouth moment on fetlife. I'm still surprised he's that flexible. Not everybody can get their foot that high that often. ( :p ) Essentially it was a matter of bad wording and me not knowing what was going on or how he was defining things. So, once it was explained and fixed everything was fine. Even if he got sarcastic in his profile (another shock). However, he didn't just stop at rewriting things. He changed the D/s relationship status. That right there? Means a lot. B would never have done that in a million years. Especially on fetlife, he wouldn't even do it on facebook. Cael has told his friends about me, B never did. The statuses and such may be silly little things, but they still mean something. Especially when you've been denied them. The way Cael treats me is so drastically different and so much better that every little thing he does I notice and smile like an idiot over. I love it. I love how he treats and makes me feel. With B I always felt like I was a secret, something to be hidden away and ashamed of. With Cael I feel wanted and accepted and luffed(boy will I ever be happy when I'm allowed to use other words!). Which in turns makes me happier and more considerate with him, not that he doesn't bring that out anyways. *shrug* Between what happened yesterday and watching how easily thing with other people can fall apart it's made me really appreciate Cael and the way we treat each other and interact and deal with problems or issues.

Just before I sat down to write this post Cael text me. We were teasing and he made a comment about me needing him. I told him I didn't.  Several times. I know he doesn't believe me, and in all honesty neither do I. I don't like the implied weakness of "needing" somebody, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. While I don't need Cael to provide for me, I don't need him to fix everything for me, etc. But he is very much-needed.  As for what I need him for, he knows and that? Is enough for me.

Now onto the questions.

Is Cael back from his vacation yet?

Yes, he is. He has been for a while. And I'm pretty happy about this. My little world is off kilter when he's gone. It's finally back revolving around him like it should :)

How did you and Cael meet?

Through the internet. He messaged me on a social site and I decided he was hot and messaged back. Though recently he's remarked that the only people on that site that message people are just horny. It was nicely ironic.

How do you deal with disappointing Cael?

Well, in general it feels like I've been punched in the stomach. But it really depends on how he reacts. If he's angry then I cower and want to crawl around behind him until everything is okay. So I behave, and by behave I mean I don't take a fucking breath without permission. If he's just disappointed or makes me feel guilty I tear up a bit and fix/do whatever I should have and apologize.  I do not like when he isn't happy with me at all. Kind of like the world falling on my head honestly. But a lot of subs I know aren't like that... I seem to put a HUGE amount of importance on him. But that doesn't mean I put him on a pedestal at all, just that I value him and his opinion and what he thinks of me.

Does Cael make all your decisions?

No he doesn't. He is in control yes, and more often than not I run my decisions by him even if its just a "this is what I'm doing" thing. If he didn't like it he would tell me and depending on what it is I'd change it. I still make my own decisions, have my own brain, own thoughts. When I move he will be more involved in the decision-making process. Maybe he'll make them all. I don't know. I just know that right now this is how it's working. I do make sure I tell him what's happening though.

Do you have secrets from Cael/lie to him even if you think it's better?

No to both. I don't have any secrets from Cael. Chances are good that if it went through my head he's heard it. I just tell him everything naturally. Even if somebody told me a secret or didn't want anybody else to know something if he asked I would tell him. I would say that they didn't want anybody to know but in the end he comes first. As far as lieing to him... no, I value my life :). He doesn't like liars and doesn't put up with them. And really, I have no reason to lie to him. I don't do anything he doesn't know about, I don't hang out with anybody that I haven't mentioned to him..generally in detail. I just have no reason to. Especially if I fuck up, he is fairly forgiving and caring so I'm better off telling him and apologizing like my life depended on it than lieing and losing him.

Sunday, March 6, 2011


Today is my mandatory every three days post. I have posted a lot the last few days but they are additional posts not instead of these. If you're wondering why I've been posting so much scroll down a few posts and you'll see why I'm so ever bored.  This post however is  going to be about the questions that have come through the email account for question month. So, here we go :

I have read you for a year now and you seem fairly level headed. Of course since you can't see everything through blogs I was wondering if you ever got upset about silly things?

Ha. I can honestly almost hear Sephi and Cael laughing right now. I absolutely do. Everybody does. However, I am pretty good at regulating it. For instance, if I'm upset about something involving Cael I sit on it for a few minutes. I do this because I generally am fairly rational and know myself very well. I know that my hormones fuck with me and I keep that in check pretty well most times. If after a few minutes rationalizing hasn't helped I'll normally bring it up to Sephi. Mostly because I know she will tell me if I'm being stupid or if I'm justified. A lot of the time when I bring it up to her I clue in to what the real issue is before I'm even done typing the problem. Just the other day I had a huge pout going on because Cael uploaded a picture to his facebook from his mini-vacation. It was a photo of greenery. ...yeah. So I sat for a minute...sent it to Sephi and went "hey, maybe I'm upset because it's evidence other than just being told of course, that he has actually gone to see friends" ... if you go down a post or two you'll see why this bugged me. So in essence it wasn't the picture, it was my own issues which is why I shut the fuck up until I find the real reason behind something bugging me. I mean logical and sane would it be to throw a fit about a picture of foliage!? (which by the way I quite enjoyed once I got over my issue. It's still snowing where I am right now)

So no, I'm not always level-headed. I just wait for the crazy to dissipate before I say something because more often than not its not the real issue or it's fleeting.

I'm currently going to school and I am having a hard time. It got me thinking, what is your "academic weakness?"

Oh gods. Beyond a doubt, math. I literally passed my high school math courses by the skin of my fucking teeth. I honestly would not doubt if I had a mild case of dyscalculia. Which essentially is dyslexia with numbers(switching them around, omitting some, etc). I say a mild case because basic math I can do. Some days are better than others, some days I will double-check even addition. To be honest, most math with me just does not click. I can have something explained 30 times and still have no fucking idea how to do it. I do words, not numbers. I really do. Right now I'm helping my brother with his math... he's doing word problems and doesn't understand how to get the numbers out and which order they should be in. I? rock at that shit. I can pull the numbers out and understand it easily... if I have to put them into an equation and then solve the equation I'm fucked. I would actually get so frustrated I'd be in tears some days doing my homework because I just don't get it when it comes to a certain point. Everybody has a failing spot in their life. This one is soo mine. If I need to understand something I can, it'll take some time but eventually I'll clue in and figure out how it's done. Until then, it may as well be greek. Cael pretty good at it. I think he's required to take some of it in school at some point for his job(I could be totally wrong and may have made up the entire conversation in my head. I've been on cold pills lately). I really quite support this, because this is where that whole hokey "completing each other" thing comes in. One of should know this shit to round us out. And I think we all know it's not going to be me :)

I was wondering how you and Cael deal with bringing up new sexual things with eachother? Is it hard or embarassing?

Not even a little bit. I know a lot of people find it embarrassing or aren't sure how to bring it up with the people they're with but honestly.. that isn't a problem here. First, he owns me. He makes the decisions on what we do. If he finds something new he wants to try generally he'll mention it and see what my reaction is then he decides. If it's something he's done before but I haven't more often than not he just decides he's going to do it and strings me along as he plots devious things. If there's something I want to try I just ask him. We're both fairly adventurous and like trying things, we're both sexual people and pretty open when it comes to sexual things with each other. *shrugs* It's just not embarrassing or hard because for us it's fairly normal I guess.

How do you feel about masturbation within relationships? My girlfriend doesn't like when I masturbate, she thinks it's disrespectful and I was wondering if all girls feel that way?

I think it's healthy and normal. Right now Cael masturbates and texts me as a tease. I do it and attempt to tease him...which doesn't work when he can ban it. Given we are living apart right now so that may affect my view, but I really don't think so. I know Cael. I know that sex will be probably a daily to every other day thing. I know just because there is masturbation it doesn't mean that we wont be having sex or that he'd rather do that. He's expressed interest in watching me masturbate, it's something he'd enjoy. And to be honest, there will probably be times where I play with Cael instead of him doing it, or getting to pause and watch him, or even have him sitting a few feet away from me watching porn and masturbating while I ATTEMPT to concentrate on whatever I'm doing. I totally see it as a normal thing.

Do you have a safeword? If so, what is it?

I actually don't, and I really have no need for one. I wouldn't use it anyways even if I was permitted one. I like seeing how much I can take so I wouldn't use it until I absolutely HAD to. And at that point? I'm not going to think of some random word. I'm really not. By the time I get to the point where I have to stop STOP or ENOUGH is all I'll be thinking. Those words aren't something I would say without cause. Some use the red light green light yellow light system. That irritates me.. if the person topping me wants to know how I'm feeling, where I am then I can tell them. It can't be grouped into 3 categories for me. Generally though, by the time I get into a heavier play situation with a person they know me well enough to know my body language and can easily read me.


Nothing tells you you're owned entirely more than throwing yourself under the bus and not even realizing it until the action is done.


Sephi answered my questions. Then at the bottom she made reference to Cael. I seen it and thought "Hey! It mentions him, he'll probably want to read that." So I went on my merry way and emailed it to him, patted myself on the back for being so wonderfully good to him and beamed at myself. Then the beam began to dim. Then it flickered and snuffed itself right the fuck out. I realized the mention he got? Was about paybacks and how Sephi was going to give him ideas of evil things to do to me. And I sent it to him. Bam! Bus!

He is so fucking deep in my head I trot off happily thinking I'm dah best slub evah only to realize the dastardly plot once I've been squished like a tube of tooth paste.



Saturday, March 5, 2011

Post Of Random Enlightenment

I? Need to get serious about losing weight. Why? Because I have been putting Cael off because of it. It's no longer allowed.

I realized this when I finally clued in to something. This weekend he could be having sex with a girl at any given moment. I don't know what he's doing. BUT! I am not jealous of the girl. Nope. I am jealous of his friends because they get to spend time with him when I can't and that fucking sucks.

I want to be around him and spend time with him soo badly. I want to be able to touch him and talk to him. This? Fucking sucks. That is all.

Tra La La La La

If you're anything like I am you need some time to yourself. Be it to escape your kids, the day-to-day routine, or your owner. If your owner is like mine chances are if they really want you the bath time won't stop them from coming in to pester you. But, I think we all know that deep down we enjoy that. Or maybe it's just me? Just me? Okay well, then you need to make that bit of time you have the best you can right?

I suggest starting with a treasure. This bath salt is my absolute favorite.  It turns the water a gorgeous blue that every movie and picture shows it as but it never really is. It smells amazing and makes you soo soft. Then maybe add a candle or two. Let's face it, candles make everything better. From there.. you can do whatever you want. It's your relax time right? Eden has so many bath products from lotions and washes to oils and waterproof toys. There's even a vibrating ducky! Relaxation and fun are almost endless.

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store


Since it's question month I asked Sephi some questions.

serenesub | March 5, 2011 at 5:31 pm | Reply

*ahem* What size is your bra? And when running have you ever given yourself a black eye with the enormousness that is your bosom?

Have you ever farted during sex?

Do your boobs hang low? Can you tie them in a bow?

Have you ever fallen off a penis during sex because you got so enthusiastic?

Do you ever feel like a puppy with your Master?

Can you please ask your Master if we can really get you those assless chaps to wear with your horse tail plug!?

I can't help but feel that the paybacks for this will be explosive.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Peace And Serenity...I Hope I Find You One Day

It's March. You know what that means?! Question month! Now, I know most of you will email me with questions randomly no matter what month it is and that's great. However, for those of you who don't or those that do that have more...send them in! I'll answer almost anything, almost because I've seen some of the minds that read this blog and making it a blanket statement just seems bad.

Other than that there isn't much going on. I'm working constantly on Sociology again. It's taking up a lot of my time.  Well, that and making faces in Caels direction. I still haven't adjusted to having him in school again. I pretty much always have that slight ache of "I miss him" going on. He's pretty busy between being in school all day and doing homework after, generally until he's ready for bed. I get a few texts throughout the night, generally earlier before he gets sucked into the work. Which I really am quite happy and appreciative of because I know he doesn't have to text me. I've had the relationship where I wasn't talked to for days, so that he still does even when he's busy means something but Gods I still miss him.

It's a big adjustment in general going from getting so much of his time to it going else where, when you add-on to that the submissive need for their dominant... I'm ready to curl up and live in his pocket some days. Some days I'm totally okay with it though.. seems I'm all whimmy too. I suspect some of my pout over it is pms induced so I'm monitoring it. Why pout and throw a tantrum when it's hormone induced not mood? Why waste a perfectly good tantrum! :)  Actually most of it comes from know that he still makes a bit of time for me and that in the end the schooling is a good thing for him and eventually even us as a whole even if it does suck right now.

I have the same attitude with my schooling right now. I don't necessarily need these courses..I could take lesser easier ones if I just wanted to get done. But! Taking these courses will set me up for things further down the road. I want to try writing, while I will need a random job until I get things going and find a way to profit from it, writing is what I want to do. But I'm setting it up so if I fail or am unhappy I can easily go back to school and take another route.  So again, in the long run I am better off doing it this way even if I am burnt out on the schooling. Doing it will benefit me more than if I don't.

The only thing I'm dealing with right now is a bit of insecurity (which again could be entirely pms induced...who needs this shit!?) because Cael is so busy. Which I realize doesn't make much sense. Luckily I know myself enough to realize this is probably all hormonal and as such has no basis. He picked me, he's stayed around for a quite a long time, he want's me to move in with him.. I have no reason to be insecure.

Femininity sucks ass some days. *Sage nod*

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Weak In The Knees

Today I went in grocery shopping and along the way got part of a late birthday present. I got a food processor. I'm soo very happy about this! I DON'T HAVE TO SHRED CHEESE ANYMORE! That right there is all kinds of yay.

I get to see my somewhat Aunt tomorrow. She's not actually my aunt but my mom has known her longer than I've been alive, so it's something I've always called her. I haven't seen her since July. It's been a while. She has MS and has been sick and a few weeks ago went in to have her breast implants changed out to smaller one. So I have the night and the morning tomorrow to think of something amusing to say about that. It'll come to me *nods*

Cael is going to school again for his job. Kinda sucks a little bit. I got used to having him around to talk to the last little while. He's been fairly stressed and overwhelmed and busy with it all so I've been trying to behave and not bug him too much. Yeah. You all can guess how well I'm doing on the whole "not bugging him" thing.  I am leaving him alone as much as I can though, and trying to help..or atleast make him smile on occasion.

Earlier today I was listening to the radio in my moms car and a song came on. It was called "Weak in the knees" and it made me smile. I know a lot of girls who have said the guy that they're with makes them weak in the knees or some obscure comment about it and it's rarely literal. I actually get to say in a literal sense that Cael makes me weak in the knees. He can say something sexual and my knees will literally buckle or at least try to. When we first started playing I wasn't expecting it and the only reason I didn't end up on the floor was because I caught myself on the counter in the kitchen.  He can make my stomach do flips and stir up butterflies in every single part of my person. Should make playing and sex fun. Might need to be pinned against walls and counters just for safety *nods*. What a lovely thought. :D