Do you all remember the question I got asked a few days ago? The one that asked if I ever lied or kept things from Cael? Do you remember how I answered that I never do and skipped off not thinking much about it?
Yeah. That's all changed. Not because I lied to him. I didn't. Not because I kept things from him. Yet again, I didn't. Nope. It's because this morning I came face to fucking brick wall with this fact and realized just how big it is and that I can't get around it.
The last few days I've been slacking on my exercise. I'm just not back in the routine yet and getting into it this time is a real bitch. This could be because I still have a touch of the cold and it's sucking the will power and energy out of me. It could be because I haven't forced myself back into things as much as I did before. It could be because I need the kick in the ass from Cael. I don't know. Normally I'd try a few things and then go to Cael with it. Try working it out myself first.
This morning I realized that isn't even an option anymore. It's just not. When I realized what was happening this morning my first impulse was the tell Cael. Instantly. Tell him and then try working on it, but he NEEDED to know. The last few months ever since we've slid into this dynamic permanently and comfortably I've been tattling on myself all the time. As I've mentioned here, several times. But none of them have been big things. None of them have been punishable things. Just little playful, fuck myself over in a fun way things. This one really isn't.
I struggled with it for a while... but even that wasn't a struggle. I KNEW I was going to tell him what was going on. And I knew it was going to be today. But I feel bad about it. I don't like disappointing him at all. I don't like when he's upset with me. I absolutely hates when he has to punish me. Mostly though? I feel guilty. He's made me feel guilty before but it was always about not doing something that he hasn't made a rule for. This time I feel guilty because I don't want to take his attention away from his schooling. I feel horrible telling him these things when I know he's busy and his attention needs to be elsewhere and doesn't really have time for it. That? is what I fought with myself about, but even then I knew I was telling him.
Sephi told me that sometimes tattling on yourself to somebody else helps. Gives it an outlet and lets you move on and get better. Well, I talked to Sephi about this before texting him on his lunch break. Did not work for me. At all. It's him I need to tell. She offered to tattle for me. Again, not an option. I need to be the one to tell him or it doesn't count and I'd end up in more trouble for not doing it myself.
Why did I have to tell him you ask? Because I no longer possess the ability not to. I've joked about Cael moving into my head and rearranging, adding furniture etc. I've joked about him brainworming me. But you know what? It's true, and until today I don't think I realized just how true. He's gone through my head and thrown out the things he doesn't want in there and I have no system retrieval button. I told him what I've been doing because I no longer have the ability not to tell him. He's made it impossible for me to lie or keep things from him. It doesn't even occur to me, it's not an option. I told Sephi that it's like having a really well-trained dog. You can leave the door open and they may look out of it but they wont run away. But, with me? I don't even see the door anymore. It may as well not be there as far as I'm concerned. For me, leaving isn't an option now neither is lieing or withholding anything. I should be scared. I should be worried that he has this kind of control. I should be concerned that he has that much control over me. But I'm not. It's comforting and safe. Like being wrapped up in soft snuggly blanket that you want to hug closer to you. It was a disturbing realization at first. Now, hours later it just seems right.