Thursday, March 17, 2011

Brief Bloops. AKA Because I Need To Get It Out

  • Seph is giving me a sad. I don't like that she's so upset. I don't like that we're both in moods to the point we've gotten snippy with each other. That? Has never happened.

  • While I am sad for my Sephi friend, reading her post was kind of a blow too. Because I so get it. She's irritated with getting teary and upset at random silly things. I do that.  She does it because she so desperately doesn't want to leave her master. I do it because I so desperately want to be with mine.

  • My motivation has gone right out the fucking window. School, exercise, everything just kind of fizzled out with my cold and I'm stuck. I don't know how to get back to where I was and it is so incredibly frustrating. I don't want Cael to see me at this weight.. so we aren't. And Now? Now I'm stuck and am having trouble seeing a way to get to him.

  • I am sick of being stuck here without him. Some days are easier than others. This is not an easy one.

  • Part of me is scared to move and be with Cael. Scared that I wont live up to what he wants me to be. Scared that I wont be able to handle how strict and rough he plans to be when he's been nothing but sweet for so long. Part of me doesn't worry about it at all. Part of me is excited that I'll get that control and force that I need. The third part of me though? Just wants to curl up and live in his pocket.

  • I want him to be a part of my life. That's the saying right? It's not true. My little world completely revolves around him. Not having him near and being apart of each others worlds in that way sucks. A lot.


Now, I'm going to go play with my dog and find something to do so I can try to shake this mood. Unpleasant bitch that it is.


  1. Why even bother with Cael? I keep reading your posts about him and I didn't want to say anything but I think he's an absolute dick! And why be with him? Do you like being controlled? Why do you like being controlled? I'm sorry, but I've been through the same kind of thing, and the person did horrible things to me because I gave him the control. I don't want that to happen to anyone else. I don't think you should be with him at all, and I worry about you.

  2. Ah, I understand. You're right, there is a difference between the BDSM lifestyle and mental abuse. I see that you want it, need it, and I'm not about to challenge that. I also understand that you don't think he's a dick...Maybe that didn't come out right. I mean, he's not as big a dick as I thought. You're just frustrated at him right now, and I know how you feel. I don't talk about my life at home because a lot of people have thought in the past that my husband was an absolute prick. See, the only time I write is when I'm mad...usually, to get the stress out. So maybe that's not exactly what's going on with you, but I'd say it's a bit similar.

    I understand exactly, or as similarly as possible, where you're coming from. While I wish you luck in your endeavers, please know that you can contact me anytime you need anything, big or small. I'm here for everyone, and I'm always here to help. Take care!