Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The Moon Never Beams Without Bringing Me Dreams

A short blurb.

Curled up in my living room chair is always a comfortable safe place to be. A blanket, a book, tea or even an animal are all things that can be found in my chair with me from time to time. These things don't make the chair comfortable. It's the way the chair feels, the way envelops me as I sink down into it. Fucked up thought of the day? This chair reminds me of my submission.  Just like my submission it's not always comfortable at first. Changing positions, posture, removing or adding things .. it's all the same. Sometimes it's pillows, sometimes it's rules. However, it all eventually becomes comfortable and comforting.

When I can't sit in my chair I'm not very comfortable in any other. I can sit in them, but it's not the same. If I sit elsewhere long enough I can actually get sore. It doesn't feel right. It doesn't envelop me the way my chair does. There's something missing. Going on 11 months without a master, there are things missing there too. I'm missing the rules, the intimacy, the comfort. I think I may even be starting to physically miss the word "Master." I ache to say it sometimes, to be owned. To serve. I'm happier when I'm owned, when I'm being used.

Some of this is definitely alleviated by Cael. He wakes me  in the mornings, if I do not he finds a way to punish me. It's a little thing but it helps. He also gives little commands that aren't really commands... I can easily say no to him but I rarely do. It's comforting having him around like that in little ways. He's not my master, but he is definitely dominant to me. It eases some small ache but doesn't take away the need or desire for a master I can call my own.

Words pertain to many things, they're like dreams. One dream or word can take on many meanings, forms and lives.

Monday, July 26, 2010


I quite like lobster, it's good. However, I have named this post "Lobster" because that is what I look like right now. My uncle and Lady Di were having a backyard BBQ thing and informed me I was going. That's right. They didn't ask, they informed.

The thing started at 1 but I ended up over there earlier helping Lady Di make burgers. It was... interesting. By the time we were done the burgers we're all uneven and, our stomachs hurt from laughing and we had driven everybody else from the kitchen. Apparently comparing burger meat to lady bits is disturbing. No sense of humor *nods*. When we were done in the kitchen a friend of theirs had shown up. I've met this particular friend several times and he still makes me uncomfortable. Not because of how he acts, but because he looks like the twin of my uncle who died years ago. I don't mean similar qualities... he looks EXACTLY like him. The first time people in my family see him they all end up gasping, my one aunt just about collapsed. It's like having a ghost walk through the door. However, my uncle was adopted and so was this guy so there is a chance they were brothers. It's kind of freaky.

Once he got there my uncle and him went out to the garage to start working on changing handlebars on a bike and Lady Di and I went out and sat on the grass. I stayed in the shade mostly, I'm not a fan of heat. After about an hour Lady Di walked over to the liquor store for beer and brought me back a bottle of wine. Normally I don't like wine but I had told her the day before about this particular wine and how much I liked it. Did I mention she is pretty much awesome?She are. So we sat out and she had several beer(it goes down very well for her) and I had a glass of my wine. After a while other people started showing up, mostly people I liked so that was a plus. I did however have to keep moving my chair back to stay in the shade and then finally everybody moved to the other side of the yard once it was completely lost. It was like sitting in a sauna yesterday.  We drank some more, talked some more and eventually I decided to head home so I could make supper over here.

This is about the time I changed and seen just how badly I had burned my legs. They are perilously close to crayola red. I am cursing Lady Di for all of her "Come sit with us" "Come talk with us"  "Nooo, stay out here" comments because I look like I should be slathered in butter and thrown on a plate.

This morning my mother came home and brought me Aloe Vera with a numbing something or other in it. I loves it. I can move, air no longer hurts haha. She also bought the patty stacker and mini chopper I wanted... I had a yay moment! Herbs, spices and kitcheny gadgets I get very excited about. Same with lotions, soaps and sprays... and pens and notebooks... Yes, I am unique :)

Saturday, July 24, 2010


I actually have a little bit to say today so before I forget I'm writing my post.

First, today I went shopping with Lady Di. We shouldn't be allowed out in public together, surely there is a law somewhere. First, before we had even left for town we had done something to embarrass my grandmother. I don't know what it is, we didn't do anything particularly obscene. At least not for us. Of course, considering how we feed off of one another it is entirely possible that she just foreseen the insanity and opted out. Of course, she didn't tell us that. Lady Di had gone out to her car to unlock doors and open windows (It's hot today. Good for my plants but holy hell I hate the heat) and I was standing the house playing with the cat and waiting for my grandmother. As she came up the stairs she looked at me funny and asked where Lady Di was, I told her and added that we were waiting for her to get ready. She then cocked her head to the side and said she wasn't going. The only thing I had to say to her was "Ooooh, you're going to be in trouble!"  Walking out to the car I could tell Lady Di was looking for the third of our now twosome. Once I told her that the third was not coming I got "Well! I unlocked the door and everything!" After which she marched into the house... I told her she was going to be in trouble. She managed to get out of it though, so Lady Di and I got in the car and started off.

As we were turning the corner we decided we should look for a house that was listed for sale. (The one I talked about in my last post was just bumped up by $20 000. Bastages!) After ten minutes of driving road after road (small town but the house numbers are all buggered up) we FINALLY found the house... right where I guessed that it would be. It doesn't look bad and is definitely preferable to the one they were looking at that would involve at least a 20 minute drive. When you don't drive it is kind of an issue.

The first stop was the farmers market. Quite a few vendors, however it is pretty expensive. The veggies weren't bad but selection was pretty slim which really kinda sucks. Carrots, peas, onions. The end. The odd different thing but not much and what was there was pretty expensive and not having loads of cash hinders the "Iwantitis" There were some pretty necklaces but again, I know I can get better quality ones for cheaper from a pagan-esque store in town. Lady Di however, bought me a grinder of garlic, herb spiced salt. Smells sooooooo good. I'm thinking it would be amazing on homemade bread. I did find several other spices I wanted but just couldn't get past the price. It was all from Epicure... and if you have ever looked at their site you know they are not cheap.  This has led me to a new obsession I think. I can totally make my own blends,  I tend to do it anyways I just hadn't really played with it to that extent, but! if this is as good as it smells I will just have to do it.

After the market we went to WalMart. Lady Di needed pictures printed, I needed a picture frame. All in all... not that much to talk about there. Howeva! Cherries are on sale and I will be getting some on tuesday. You cannot stop me.

Remember that pagan-eque shop I mentioned? We went there last. I recently bought a purple beaded necklace that my grandmother loved so despite her attitude today (Who wouldn't want to go shopping and be amused by us!) we got her one similar. Hers is blue. At this point I was introduced to my second new addiction. Perfume oils. Lady Di needed to get some patchouli for my uncle. They both love the smell of it. I cannot stand the stuff. While looking for it I picked  up several bottles of other oils to read them and during the process picked up one and the lid came off and the oil got on my fingers. It has been about 4 hours now, I've washed my hands several times and the scent is still there. I'm not sure what scent it is but ooh my gods I love it! I will be going back and getting some.

Finally, we went home and showed our treasures. My uncle got very excited when he seen that we had found and bought some cartoons he had been looking for, for a very long time. After which we all sat around for a while and started talking about a friend of the families that just died (motorcycle accident) and his will. Lady Di and my uncle then decided that they should do their own up at which point my uncle decided that I should be executor. Nope, really, read it again! That is a hell of a lot of responsibility, I can handle it but holy hell. He has a wife, a mother, two sisters and a nephew my age just to name a few options and he picks me? *Puffs chest* I is teh responsible. Whether it actually happens I don't know, but it makes me kinda nervous. I tend to hold together really well but gods. Nice to know I'm trusted, but this is a pretty damn huge brick wall of responsibility. I'll do it and he knows it but wow. (I'm done with "but" 's now.)Really that's all I got for that topic.

The fact that I have been sitting here smelling my fingertips because of that damn oil is starting to worry me a little. So clearly, the logical thing to do is to get more. MOAR!

Monday, July 19, 2010

Masturbation Is Teh Ebils

It causes blindness you know. *Nods* Thus you must stop when you just need glasses. At least that's my theory.

 So, here's the deal. B left in September... as in 10 months ago. From September until now there has been no penis to vagina interaction. I must say it is teh suck. "Teh Great Suck," really. There are two main problems with this. First, NO SEX! Thus, skin hunger is pretty damn great. Right now, I'm totally longing to be hugged and cuddled. It has been long enough I'm not craving a spanking, or biting (though that is totally there!) as much as I am craving skin on skin contact. My own skin does not suffice, which brings us to our second problem. Masturbation totally loses its fun and appeal around month 8, especially when there are no phone calls to supplement said time anymore. I can still orgasm, in fact I can orgasm pretty damn quickly.... but it's just not fulfilling the whole need anymore. Since I'm not willing to do casual or random sex I will have to live with it but damn! You know things are bad when you contemplate humping the couch or start waking up with your hand between your legs... every morning. I don't know who the fuck that's happening to. It must be Sephi *Nods*

I have had a friend or two with not so pure intentions ABOUT ANYTHING send me a pic and/or video (one of which I'm watching right now and holy fuck is it mesmorizing.There's just something about watching a guy come *shivers* Ya know?).  Because of all this my vagina is totally speaking to me again. It's usually a "Oh! Why not?!" or "What about him?" phrase to it. It's sounding slightly Betty Boop-ish. It has gone from sounding innocent to have an edge of slut. Sounds about right :P

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Every Party Has A Pooper That's Why We Invited You!

This post title is completely irrelevant. Nothing to do with the post, I however, just finished watching Father Of The Bride 2.... in which that song is sung and it amuses the hell out of me. It just does.

I've been walking every night for the last 4 or 5 nights. My thighs kinda hurt,there are some damn evil hills here. I've lost a few ounces, nothing much. I've been cooking a lot healthier too. Except for tonight. I planned on making salmon with some greek salad and veggies. I ended up having a burger and some greek salad. Why? Because I came home and my father was making the salmon... THAT I HAD TAKEN OUT! Why in the world would you just go ahead and make something that somebody else had taken out? Obviously there were plans for it. I absolutely refuse to eat anything he makes because he cooks it in a puddle of oil and seasoned the salmon with lemon pepper. I can do lemon pepper with some other spices on other things... but one fish... to me it tastes absolutely disgusting. A real lemon and some pepper I can, but not that shit. Really kinda pissed me off. I hate when people interfere, unwanted, unneeded and unasked into my shit. Irritating.

On my recent walks I've been watching for houses for my uncle and Lady Di. I found one literally just one house down from mine. It's a beautiful on the outside, flowers, trees, fountains, streams..gorgeous. And the inside... oh my god... it has the kitchen I want, it has the tub I want... its open and just perfect! So, here's hoping that they find out they can afford it and get an offer in before it sells.

Hmm, I think this is really all I have. I'm just totally drained lately. So Sarry!

Friday, July 16, 2010

Me Again

Yet again, I don't really have anything to say. I feel kinda ridiculous posting when it's pretty much the same thing everyday. Wake up, do random menial things, go to sleep. Lather, rinse, repeat. Who wants to read that kinda crap?! But, I continue... hopefully soon I'll have some good stuff to write about. Those who stick around, even through the pointless posts sooooooooooooooo get a cookie. But, I'm on a diet right now so it probably wont be a good cookie. It'll be some celery, carrot, fake bake cookie... I just know it!

Speaking of diet... it connects to exercise. You know what else connects to exercise? Yeah, me either but I know damn well that I sure don't. How do I know this? Because Cael is not talking to me, like he said he wouldn't if I didn't get up and exercise when he told me to. Well guess what! I slept through my wakeup call the other day, and didn't get one today. Moreover, I was the one that told him I slept through it. Fucked myself over there didn't I? Yes, I have been taking shooting lessons from Sephani and she is a damn good teacher because I too, am shooting myself in the foot. Now, if you'll excuse me for a second I need to reload, for you see, I still have one more foot and I thought I'd take a shot at it as well. Ready, Aim, Fire! I have only been able to actually pry myself out of bed maybe 3 times since Cael has been waking me up. Though to even it up a bit I have been walking at night sometimes. (There's a theory but it's coming later.) I know it doesn't make up for it but it's better than nothing which is what I feel like doing. To be honest, I'm perfectly content to just sit at home and watch movies, write, and read. At least lately I am.

A few weeks ago I was sitting at my grandparents talking with my Uncle and Lady Di (Ha! Teary eyed and I haven't even finished the sentence!) and my Uncle was remarking that they had decided I needed to go out with them sometimes. (This is something my grandmother harps on A LOT) So them bringing it up didn't really shock me. What did shock me was being told that he thinks I'm a bit depressed. When he said this I teared up and I didn't know why. I laughed it off and shook my head at him and his words were "I've been there little girl you can't fool me." They haven't pressed the issue since, but it has made me think. It's made me think about all the little and big things that have happened in the last year, both from external and internal forces. I think that I may be a bit depressed. It would explain why I can't force myself to get up in the morning, I'd rather sleep... hell, I take that approach during the day too. I rarely leave home, when I do it's to the grocery store and back, for a quick walk and back, or over to my grandparents and back. That is it, and honestly.. other than grocery shopping... I force myself to do the other ones. I can go months and not walk or go over to somebodies house because I just don't want to. I go in spurts with my eating, normally I eat healthily but lately... I've been eating more and wanting junk and not cared about what it's doing to me or when I do I continue anyways. Other times I barely eat at all for days, I just do not get hungry.  There are other things, little things. Question is what the hell do I do about it, if anything? Maybe it'll just pass, maybe it wont. I don't know.

On to happier topics, I got an invite the other day. An invite to play around with a girl. I'm seriously contemplating it. Which made me think, why? If it was a guy asking for occasional play it would be a "no" instantly. What makes it a maybe with a girl and a no for a guy? My theory? I couldn't date a girl. Not constantly, exclusively and happily. I genuinely get along better with guys, they don't get pissy over my bluntness or attitude. I like girls, but I could not date one. However, this girl just offered play... no dominance what so ever. Which is good, because unless I'm the dominant I don't play with girls in that dynamic. I do not listen to them, I do not see them as dominant to me. There are some men that could never be dominant to me because I can outsmart them, out think them, top from the bottom and they wouldn't even clue in to it. I've done it before. Women are just not in that role for me. Be it threesome or random play added to an existing relationship. I recently got asked about maybe trying a threesome with a couple, I really like the guy... however, the girl wanted to dominate me. I had to say no because I know it wouldn't go well, I knew I wouldn't listen, wouldn't play the game. The guy I would listen to in a heartbeat, on top of the fact I react very well to this particular guy and I don't think the girl would be too happy about me basically ignoring her. She'd probably end up trying to get my attention, or punishing me in some way for it and it would just piss me off and make me want to walk. (Not to mention being an add in and watching these two people together wouldn't make me feel too hot but that's a small factor compared to the rest) It would not work. Same would go if  I was in a relationship and the dominant wanted to add a girl or guy for the matter.  I'd take priority and be dominant to her/him or it would not happen. I'd even rather it was just a few random play sessions not a permanent addition to the relationship. I just don't share my toys well!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


In an attempt to give you all something to look at other than my chest, and because I have nothing at all to say :


 Since you all love me so, you will kindly ignore the messy hair, thanks :).

Monday, July 12, 2010

Boys, they're a different fruit.

I actually have a lot to say... none of it I can share here yet. I'm waiting until things actually happen to make sure they do before I share with you all. But OH! is it worth the wait!  It's an amusing story and an amusing outcome. Gah! I want to talk about it!

I was over at my grandparents again (It's boring around here, seriously.) My aunt was over there and apparently the night we were setting up the wedding I literally scared her to the point she was kinda scared to come up and talk to me. The unstable part of this is the "Really? AWESOME!" response I have to it.

Seeing as how it's my parents anniversary soon, I'm redoing their wedding album. It's 23 years old and literally falling apart. At the end of said album I am adding letters/paragraphs that friends and family have written about the wedding or them. It's gonna be pretty.... once I get over the irritation I just suffered. My cousin...whom I do not speak to for various reasons... signed into her mother's account and wrote her months paragraph for her. How do I know this? Because my cousin cannot spell, and the sentence structure is off. My aunt does not write like that. It pisses me off, if I wanted her to write something for the album I would have asked. She did this to a friend of mine that used to date a cousin of ours. She created a gorgeous scrapbook of things for him when he came back from Iraq. This girl again, wrote her mothers paragraph and signed her name. Really? Come on now. *Shakes head*

Since I have nothing else to say I'll add a video. I've been addicted to this song lately.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

The Last 48... Hours That Is

Bullet like because I've been reading for hours.

  • I emailed Nilla the other day asking for Nilla-ly wisdom about Shamanism. She didn't know a lot herself, but! She sent my email to a friend of hers and I now have about 10 links with a ton of info! I are teh happeh!

  • During our emailing, I explained a boy dilemma to Nilla that I am not quite ready to bring to the blog. If her head doesn't explode it may be blog worthy.

  • I experienced jealousy when I heard Cael was collaring his gf. Not because of the commitment or that it wasn't me with him....but because she gets a fuckin collar! I wants one! Buying one for yourself is sooooo not the same!

  • I managed to embarrass the hell out of my grandmother today. Her, Lady Di and myself were talking about sex. Really not anything new with us. Eventually we got on the topic of bad sex...I'm not sure how but one of my ex's got brought up and I laughed and said "Yep, if you're laying there staring at the ceiling wondering when they'll be done it's not good sex."  After a shocked "Serene!" Her jaw fell open, she hung her head and started laughing. Lady Di told her that if she didn't really want the answers to those questions she shouldn't ask somebody that would actually answer them.

  • Cael just informed me that if I do not get up tomorrow morning when he wakes me up to exercise he wont talk to me until Wednesday... my response was the obvious "Bastage!" Effective but low!

  • Upon leaving my Grandmothers today I was gifted 4 teacups and 4 saucers. Next time I go back I get the other teacup and the plate set. I sense bribery.

  • After talking to Nilla, we think I may Unitarian Universalist... which is basically like a kid in a candy shop. We take bits and pieces that we like from all sectors of pagan religions and make them into one that works for us. Which makes total sense seeing as how I like aspects from a few different sectors of paganism.

  • I've been in a weird enough mood today that my mother smelled my Coke Lime drink and proclaimed "Well, there's no alcohol... maybe the lime went bad"  This was prompted by me playing with my bracelets and remarking that maybe thousands of years from now somebody will recover it and think that it is a ring... that maybe we were huge or a ring from a Diety fell down to earth and was buried until somebody worthy found it. Yep, completely sober folks. We think it may be a side effect of either no nap today or spending all day with Lady Di.

  • I like froggies. That is all.


Okay, I'm apologizing because my email for this blog has not been working. It's not sending out my responses. So, I have gotten the emails, I have read them and I have responded... it just didn't work. So! If you'll be so kind as to look to the left of the page you will see that the email address has changed. Please use that one from now on. It SHOULD work just fine. I use hotmail for my personal stuff and have had no problems to date. In fact, I tried emailing Nilla from the old gmail account and she didn't get it, but she got the email I sent over my personal account. Since my personal account has my name on it and this blog is fairly anonymous I created a new one. So,  email me there... previous emails from gmail will be moved over and answered there as well. Sorry guys!

Friday, July 9, 2010


This one too

Oh Noes.

I have a pinch in my back and I'm kinda scared to move incase it gets worse. This is how it started the last time, exercise for a bit and then end up spending a week in bed unable to move and taking 30 minutes just to make it across the hall to the bathroom. First, getting out of the bed, then crawling to the bathroom only two feet from my door with tears streaming down my face... needless to say it hurts... A LOT. So, because of this... and because it kinda hurts to sit down, instead of a long-winded post you are getting a picture that amuses me.


Since my post last night I have calmed. I have apologized to Cael, because really, it's not his fault and he took the brunt of something he had very little share in. He just happened to be the one that layed the last piece of straw down so he's who it came out on. Unfair, yes, but it happened so there's not much I can do but apologize. However, last nights post is still completely valid. I still feel that way, it's just gone back to being a calm anger towards most of it.

When I logged in this morning I had a new comment. Now, this comment doesn't appear on yesterday's blog post because giving a ranting, snotty, pissy person what amounts to a link on my blog is not something I want to do. They did however, ask a few questions in-between their almost unreadable rantfest and I figure, if they're thinking them there must be others thinking it and if not they're probably still valid questions that should be answered for the people whom read this blog that I actually like.

First, no I am not upset because I'm losing a fuck buddy, nor is that the only reason that last night bugged me but thanks for that leap of logic, it was entertaining.  Yes, I will miss playing with Cael, I would have to be insane not to,   but he's not just a fuck buddy in any sense of the term. I got upset because it is yet another relationship changing and I'm not really familiar with the side of him I'm getting right now. I haven't had time to adjust to it yet, it's still new. That really is the main thing, the playing and the flirting is secondary.

Actually, YES I am aware that he reads here. I gave him the link, approve his comments and have talked several times to him about said blog. I did not write the blog as a way of saying things I couldn't say to him, but thank you, that comment made it very clear you don't read here much because if I'm going to say it, I'll just say it.  I have not written anything here,ever, that I would not or have not personally said to Cael. I wrote last nights post after I had talked to Cael about how I felt about what was happening with him. However, I knew I wasn't very clear.... I sometimes have trouble finding the root of a problem and explaining it when I'm upset. So I came here and wrote and I eventually found the issue, got it out clearly, and was able to explain why I was really upset, that it wasn't all him. Plus, I just needed to get it out.

No, there really isn't any reason that Chris's gf should hate me and feel threatened by me. No, I do not deserve to be completely ditched, but thank you for the sentiments, it warms me over.

I notice you don't have and questions about what I said with B... that I find odd but whatever.

No, actually Cael wont be going anywhere, maybe you're right... maybe it is a lack of intelligence on his part but I'm pretty damn glad that he doesn't have that "piece of intelligance" as you put it that you have. He is not going anywhere, just because things change and I get upset does not change that fact and it is a fact. You're right, I'm not going to lie about it... a TINY part of why I got upset was because I was jealous. Again, with what he does to me I would be infuckingsane not to be, but it's something I can deal with and is not the reason I was upset. As I stated before, it's not just those aspects that appeal to me about him. However, YOU seem pretty damn stuck on those ones even though they weren't the only things mentioned in my last post. Nice try, better luck next time.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Pity Post

I'm kinda sitting here having a pity party so I thought I'd throw in a pity post to round everything out just so.

Over the last few months a lot has changed. I don't know about everybody else but I would like a break for a while!

First B pulls his mysterious vanishing act, that on occasion still stings like fucking hell. He meant a lot and just up and left without a second thought for anything. That hurt, but I buried it. It rears it head once in a while but I seem fine.

Then, Chris gets a gf and I have barely heard from him. I went from having a best friend I talked to everyday, sometimes all day to basically some stranger I talk to on occasion and never see.

Most recently, Cael has gotten a gf. That was fine for a while, it was fairly open so not much changed. I finally got comfortable enough to send pics, I was content. Then things got kinda weird. He stopped responding to me like he normally did, didn't talk near as much. Basically pulled right away. Then tonight I get told that the flirting and playing is stopping.

Now, first B. As much as I wanted it to be gone, as fine as I act, as fine as I actually am sometimes...there are still times where I am a mess. Where all I can do is cry and wonder what the fuck happened and why I'm still upset.  When this happened I went to Chris, or Cael.

Chris, .... well his gf does not like me at all. Apparently I'm a threat...ha! He normally pulled away when he got a gf but this time has been worse because she gets upset when we talk or spend time together. Honestly, he's been dating her about two months... I've seen him once and have talked to him maybe 5 times. .... and not actual talking either. I may be lucky to get 5 texts out of him. He deserves a gf... but I am tired of being dropped every time he has one.

With Cael... I really don't know.  He sooooooo deserves to be happy and have somebody. But... I have never seen any side of Cael but the single side of him. Taking away the flirting and the playing is taking a way a lot of the way he interacts with me.

When Cael told me tonight things were changing I was fine at first. Then I got upset. Shitty thing is, he got the brunt of it and I don't even think that it's him I'm entirely upset with. I'm soo mad at B, and so fucking deeply hurt I don't think even I know the extent of it yet. I'm annoyed and disappointed with Chris. I'm upset that my relationship with Cael is changing.  All of it added up into a not very pretty conversation. All of it has happened within weeks or months of each other. I lost the very center of my little world, I lost the person I depended on most and it hasn't affected him at all that I can see. Then I lost the other two people I lean on, my entire support system has kinda crumbled. I realize that Cael isn't gone and he would probably kick my ass for even saying it but, it kinda feels like it when I'm getting a side of a person that I just don't know.  ... for the other two I don't really have any words left.


Needing to rant and have anybody that is appropriate to rant to be asleep really fucking sucks!   Clearly I need to have ranting moments earlier in the day.

ATTN EVERYONE: Please do not piss me off, upset me, push my buttons or display your rectal cranial inversions to me after 8 pm. Your compliance is appreciated.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Random Thoughts....They're All I Have.

First, I'm fairly certain that Nilla shattered my jaw when it fell open so far with this post. After reading it, I have to say that I'm a little jealous. I actually had to text her and inform her of the broken-jaw-jealous-syndrome. She giggled,  it was totally compassionate I know it :). 

My cat took out three of my herb plants. I managed to replant and attempt to save. I don't have a lot of hope for them.

For the next few days this house is an all female home. The males have gone camping. My mother and I didn't go because 1 she works this week, 2 from time to time nature tries to kill me with its pollen and plantness. So unless I have somebody there that can leave and take me back whenever nature tries to murder me I cannot go. This makes me sad. I love the area they are camping in and love walking it.... as long as I'm in the park. Out of the park one must be armed with a rifle or one runs the risk of being eaten by various wildlife. While I mourn not being able to go, I celebrate basically having the house to myself.

Being basically alone for about a week is wonderful... until I run out of things to do. (Did I mention that I finished everything I need to do all summer in the first week I was off? Yeah, it's a good news, bad news kind of deal.) Another down side is sleeping arrangements. Not mine, the animals. The cat sleeps wherever the hell she wants so that's not really an issue. The dog however, usually sleeps in my parents bed with them. Since my mother works nights there will be nobody in that bed thus the dog will not sleep in it. She will try to sleep with me, and I am allergic to her no matter how pretty she is when she blinks her eyes and tries to persuade me. I'm thinking I may just move their new bed into my room for the night and see if that works. Hopefully the cat allows the dog on it otherwise I am going to be a puffy eyed wreck in the morning.

Over the last week or so I've noticed a change in Cael. He went from being his flirty, playful self to being more closed off and responding to me differently than he normally does. Part of this could be that he hasn't seen his gf in a bit, but I'm wondering if he isn't pulling back. If so, fine, I can learn to deal with it but it really quite sucks.

All day today I have felt that I may chew off a limb if it got me cuddles.

I was asked today why I didn't do casual sex. After responding with a few random things I actually sat and thought about it. Truth is, I want a guy that will eventually feel like home to me. I want that feeling again, there is nothing like it and random, casual sex will not get me that. It would get me laid and played with... but without the other stuff I do not see it as worth it. I can accomplish my own orgasm, not a guaranteed thing during sex, I don't need sex for that. Yes I want to be touched and cuddled and played with and bruised, but without the comfort, the love and the feeling of home with whomever I am with... I have no interest in it. I am just not a casual person, if I really love somebody, a tiny part of me will love them forever no matter how hard I try to squash it. If I hate somebody, I can be civil, but that hate will last forever. There is nothing in the world that could erase it. If I dislike a person I can be persuaded, same with liking a person.. it can go the other way, but the real, harsh (be it good or bad) emotions stick. I am not casual in love nor hate.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Some Pondering...

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to pondering I go...sorry. Sad part is that I haven't even had any coffee today, this is entirely me.

Today I have been pondering. In fact, I am still pondering now. I'm also still researching. What am I researching you ask? Why I love when you ask me questions so I will tell you. I'm attempting to research Shamanism. Attempting being the operative word here. I can't really find anything. I'm finding a tid bit here and a tid bit there, none of it really helpful because without knowing other things the bits I'm finding do not make much sense.

(A short interlude while I change, please enjoy the music because as it turns out... when drinking through a straw from a water bottle you aren't supposed to squeeze the bottle. *Shakes head* Pure fucking talent guys.)

(Can anybody else hear the jeopardy music? Surely you do!)

Alright I'm done.

As I was saying there is hardly anything written up on Shamanism and this is frustrating me. I love researching pagan religions. It fascinates me, I'm drawn to them. Especially to the earth based religions. I spent literally weeks reading everything I could find on Wicca. There was A LOT (and just so you know, that is two words. Drives me nuts when people combine them. OCD for the win.) on Wicca. Page after page and book after book. It's everywhere. I actually quite like some of the details of Wicca, threefold rule, Goddess based, earth based. I tend to thrive on those. I'm attempting to find some pages on Shamanism because Cael thinks I'd like it, and I may... ya know, if I can ever find anything on it that is decent. From what I have found there are some similarities between the two. Some detailed, some in a grander scheme of things. However, both are earth based. That is what is mattering to me the most.

I have researched other religions that are more common, I however cannot get into them. Worshipping  a singular Deity or being is not something I take well too. Two halves to a whole makes much more sense to me. Other religions don't focus on the earth as much either. I need something that incorporates earth, sky, water, metal etc. I am very much rooted to the earth, I always have been. I love crystals, I seem to be attracted to Amethyst the most. I always seem to feel better when I'm touching one, because of this I actually bought a necklace with a crystal in it today. The night sky fascinates me, I can look up at it and hours can pass before I'm bored with it. Rain I am very attracted to. I love it. The more it rains the happier I get. My grandmothers friend used to be a Wiccan Priestess and told me once that I'm attracted to the rain because it's what feeds the earth, helps it grow. If it's true it could totally explain why I tend to get wet and excited myself when it rains. (Sephi, this is why I could never sleep with a thunder-storm playing in my headphones). Remember that farm I wrote about a few weeks ago? I cannot go down there when the gravel company is working. Sometimes is physically hurts me to see them tearing up the land for gravel. I'll get a stomach-ache or just a really heavy chest. I know the one time they dug up a piece that I loved and I actually cried. I'm not sure why but I'm definitely tied to the earth. Thus, religions that incorporate it or focus on it definitely interest me. Frustrating as hell when I can't get the information I want.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Nothing To See Here

Just as the title suggests, there is nothing to see here. I don't think I have a lot to say tonight.

As I am typing this I am perched upon my bed, my fountains running and calming me and praying that I get tired soon. Today was Day 1 of (something... I attempted to make up a clever name and totally failed... I'll make one up at some point. Thanks for the patience :) ) Cael waking me up to exercise. He woke me up about 6 today, I didn't get out of bed and actually do anything until about 630... he wakes me up well... It's the getting out of bed I have trouble with. As soon as I sat up today my back pinched... last time it pinched and I went on the treadmill I ended up in bed for a week unable to move(literally had to crawl on hands and knees, tears streaming down my face to the bathroom.). This time... I was smarter, I did some weights and stretching instead and all seems well. Another bonus was that I didn't bit Caels head off when he tried to wake me. This is a major accomplishment and one of the many reasons I picked him to help. He woke me up with a "Wake up sunshine time to get up" ... I found it hard to be angry after that. Clever bastages, they're everywhere! Trouble is... it's after 9 and I am not remotely tired.

....Speaking of clever bastages, I have a dilemma. A panty dilemma. As in... I'm missing a pair. I threw three pairs down to be washed and only got two back, and the laundry room is empty. Confusion.

I started this post an hour ago and since then I got caught up in a conversation about my old dog. He was pretty much glued to my side ever since I was born right up until the day we had to put him down. Since I'm now teary I'm ending this post.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

A Freedom to Sleep

Today, I have immensely enjoyed sleeping until 930 this morning and then taking a nap in the afternoon. I am enjoying the soft, fluffiness of my bed. I am getting every ounce of enjoyment out of my bed today and tomorrow that I can. I am doing this because I have outsmart-ed myself. As I mentioned in yesterday's post, I thought of something to ask Cael. Once I thought of it, I did in fact ask him. This my dear readers, is where the wheels fell off the track and I managed to wedge a foot up my ass without even realizing it.

I asked Cael to text me in the mornings when he gets up for work. This would help me get up and exercise because he would be telling me to get my ass up. It was a great idea, is a great idea. I totally need the push, need somebody that wont let me wiggle out of doing it. Unfuckingfortunately I have found it. Cael will not stop bugging me and pushing me to get up until I do. I HAVE to do it now. Which is good.... but he gets up at 530 in the morning. I will be getting up around 530 now. I am not going to enjoy it. In fact, when he agreed I said "I'm probably going to hate you for a bit" and he laughed... I think because we both know that I wont hate him...if I could I wouldn't listen to him... I need him to do it but fuck me sideways I am already dreading it.  Hopefully, this is the push I need and will be thanking him at the end of it. ... That or I may just string him up :P

My animals have also been enjoying their bed. They got a new one, or more accurately they actually got one today.

Now, this thing is totally big enough for both the cat and the dog. However, right now they are having sharing problems. The cat slept on it all afternoon, she walked off it and up into my lap and the dog moved on to it. They haven't figured out how to share yet. Poor gals, they'll get there I'm sure of it, I've seen them cuddle before.


A while back I stated that questions were always welcomed. This must have been months ago. However, somebody emailed with a question and my invitation for them was the opener. Honestly, I'm quite astounded that somebody actually took the time to read that far back. I think they deserve a sticker. This person wished to remain anonymous but gave permission for me to quote and answer here.

Q:  "I have a pretty strong accent. I was wondering if there was one that you were attracted to?"

A: Yes, actually there is. Well, really there are two. The first is Australian... I'm not sure why, it just makes me smile. The second is Scottish. A very large part of me is Scottish. There are a few other things mixed in, German, French... etc. but most of me is Scottish and I think that may be why it appeals to me. I get an "I'm gonna jump ya!" feeling when I hear it sometimes. It's odd.

Friday, July 2, 2010

A Brief Fantasy

Lately I've been thinking. Thinking, mostly that I need a hard play session. Being beat and bruised and bawling until I'm empty of feeling and thought. *Shudders*

It would be so freeing and centering I think. Rope wrapped around my wrists and tied to a fixed point, ankles tied much the same, legs spread apart. Hands running over my thighs, seconds later smacking, getting harder and harder until my legs are red and I'm struggling to move. A mouth pressed against my neck and teeth biting down over  every piece of flesh it can get until I'm crying out and covered in bruises. Maybe a flogger over my ass and back, a hand slapping between my legs. Begging to stop and be released and having it all ignored.

I want it done harder and harder until I can't form words anymore. Until all I can do is cry and shake and moan, trying to pull my body into a ball. Then, maybe depending on who it is, being wrapped in the persons arms and held tight.

Sigh, oh wishes.

Apology, So Far, and Thoughts...In That Order!

First the apology. My posts have kinda sucked lately. I've been doing bullet points, pictures, surveys and the like to take up space. I honestly can't decide if it's because I don't have a lot to say or I have a bunch to say and it's either not safe here, I'm being overly cautious or it's all trying to come forward at once and leaving me with nothing. I don't know, but today I will try to write an actual post to make up for the crap ones I've posted lately. (It totally just occurred to me that I did write a lengthy--ish post a few days ago but I locked it. But! It totally still counts, if you want the password leave a comment or email me and you'll most likely get it.)

 So far today I have dusted, wiped everything down, picked everything up, vacuumed and spent over an hour with my carpet cleaner trying to clean the carpets. My chair (old, old thing. It was my great grandmothers) is definitely on its way out. I moved it so I could shampoo under it and found a huge black mark.... I know it's from the chair and it's penchant to pop screws out and leave behind a fine metal dust that has stained my carpets! I got most of it out but I was not expecting that.

I'm trying to right my diet... again. However, I do have help this time. Actual help, not help that finds a gf and buggers off after asking how my diet was going ONCE!.... I'm not upset, disappointed maybe. I ended up asking Cael to help me, or at the very least ask once in a while how it's going. He said he would ask every night, though I'm not expecting that to happen. He has a gf, he's busy, but he is way more likely to remember to check once in a while.

Speaking of diet, it's sucked balls so far (and not the fun way oral withdrawal is peaking through.) I can try to eat healthily all I want.... but when my family insists on eating crap (especially when I'm the one that cooks it more often than not. They drive me nuts when they're in my kitchen. They rearrange shit and get in my way. The words "Get out!" are said a lot around here.) .... my will power is not endless. I'm going to keep trying to improve and next week they will not be given a choice in what they have, it'll be what I make.  Counting calories is not something I'm worried about just yet, I will have to count calories... I know this. But! Right now I am just worrying about eating right. Once I get into that habit then I will worry about calories. The fact that I am not one for sweets helps this, I don't do a lot of junk really, though we all have our guilty pleasures. My issue, is quantity. Limiting my calories per meal helps. Then it becomes a matter of choices, seafood and veggies you can have a hell of a lot of for 400-500 cals. Pasta, red meats and breads however, you cannot. Of course I know not to deprive myself all the time, that I need to have what I want on occaison in moderation otherwise I'll fail. I know all the diet/health rules and all the tricks. I know what to do and not to do and all the little known ridiculousness (lack of sleep makes you crave carbs... wtf kind of reasoning is that? Though apparently it's true.).  It's putting things into practice, the follow through is where I screw up. Thus, I need help. I now have it, he even said he could give punishments if need be, which sounded really good. Which is why I said no. I know me, and I know him, and I know some of the conversations we've had lately. It would be entirely too easy to fall M/s like that, it almost happened already(I was left with my nails dug into a cliff side, with sharp pointy rocks below... the fact that I so wanted to let go of that cliff was not helpful but I cannot do that. Damn my morals!). Not good when he has a gf. So no punishments, just help and encouragement and disappointment if need be. ....though one day punishments would be nice :P(See, I'm really not helpful. I just can't figure out which personality is the traitor!)

Speaking of M/s and Cael. He and I ended up talking about the punishments B gave me. I think we both came to the conclusion that there was a lack of them. I was only ever punished once, and I had to ask for it. We ALL know I needed it more. Maybe I would have stayed on track more, I don't know. I am curious though, apparently Cael doesn't just threaten... he actually punishes. I keep finding more and more I like about him, or maybe I just keep finding out more and more of what I need in a dominant. Have to ponder that one.

Pondering is something I've been doing a lot of lately. While I was cleaning this morning (and now apparently... just thought of something to ask Cael...I are teh smert!.....I actually had to go ask him, I know better than to wait for the end of the post!) I was thinking about how much I have come out of my shell lately. I know B had a hand in that, he made me feel comfortable and okay with me for the first time ever. However, that disappeared when he did. Now though, it's back and it seems to have brought its friends and they are having one fuck of a party with my mouth. I am normally shy, I am not lately. I literally shocked myself with how often I was talking to people at my uncle's wedding. I didn't know half of them... it didn't seem to matter. (and NO! it wasn't the 8 Caesars I drank, I was like that the night before too sans alcohol) This has also been happening with my body. I'm certainly not happy with it but, in the last 4 days, I have sent Cael several pictures of my body and face and Sephi one face picture. I didn't really want to do it, but I did. I never would have before. I dated B for quite a while, he'd even seen me naked and he never got pictures, let alone with my face or lack of clothes. I just wasn't comfortable, now depending on the person it's just kind of a "meh" thing. ... I have a feeling this will not help my fascination with public play.

One last thought that has been bugging me for a while is topping from the bottom. I find it silly to worry over. Isn't worrying about topping from the bottom and monitoring what you do and say, exactly topping from the bottom? If you're always worried about it and changing what you do ... you are doing the masters job. It's their job to decide what's allowed and what's not, and to shape you how they want. Deciding that you can't say or do something because it make be topping from the bottom is taking away their right to make the rules if you have a completely different set in your head. Just my opinion though. I may think too much.

And now I think I'm done because I'm sitting on a carpet that isn't completely dry and the soap is making my ass sting. ...kinda like the sting of welts... I'm now concerned that I'm enjoying this and missing that oh so familiar sting.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Jump Damn It!

Because if my friends jumped off a bridge I would do it too. Quite a few of the blogs I read are doing these memes so I thought I would do them too, mostly out of boredom.

1. What is your first name?
As far as this blog is concerned, Serene.

2. Were you named after anyone?
My middle name is the same as my great grandmothers. It starts with an "A"

3. Do you wish on stars?
No, the night sky tends to mesmerize me and I don't even think to do it.

4. When did you last cry?
A few days ago because I got really overwhelmed with everything.

5. Do you like your handwriting?
When I take the time and actually focus on it, yes I do. Otherwise it's a mess. Printing is always neat, handwriting is a mess without concentration.

6. What is your favorite lunch meat?
It varies. Right now it's mediterranean turkey breast.

7. What is your most embarrassing CD?
I can't say that I'm embarrassed about any of my cds. I like what I like and it's a very wide variety.

8. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
Haha, yes. I find myself amusing as hell, only stands to reason that I'd want to be friends with me.

9. Do you have a journal?
This would be it. I do however have a Grimoire that I haven't touched in a while.

10. Do you use sarcasm a lot?
I'm fairly certain that I was born with that organ, yes.

11. What are your nicknames?
Depends on the person. Everybody has their own for me, they range from pet names to variations of my actual name. I even get "bitch" on occasion :)

12. Would you bungee jump?
Nope. I'd die of a heart attack during it so offering a million dollars wouldn't even help.

13. Do you untie your shoes before you take them off?
My converse wedge ones yes. My runners, no.

14. Do you think that you are strong?
I've been told that I am by a lot of people. Apparently cold-hearted and strong go hand in hand :)

15. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Maple Walnut.

16. Shoe size?
8 to 8.5 to god knows what... it all depends on the type of shoe.

17. Red or pink?
Dark red.

18. What is your least favorite thing about yourself?

19. What do you miss most?
My muse and motivation.

20. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back?
I'm not sending it out.

21. What color pants/shoes are you wearing?
No shoes, and the ugliest pair of green shorts you ever did see.

22. What are you listening to right now?
The radio.

23. Last thing you ate?
Eggs and a piece of toast.

24. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
I'd need to be a rainbow crayon, I have too many personalities to just pick one.

25. What is the weather like right now?
Kind of cool out, but it's supposed to get freakin hot out later.

26. Last person you talked to on the phone?

27. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Height and weight. I like tall and thick.

28. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
I hunted and gathered.

29. Favorite drink?
Water... or Mikes Hard Berry.

30. Favorite sport?
I do not do sports. I used to play volley ball but it lost its appeal.

31. Hair color?
Medium brown with natural red, dark brown and blonde highlights.

32. Eye color?

33. Do you wear contacts?
No, but I do think that I need glasses.

34. Favorite food?
Tacos. It's a sad addiction.

35. Last movie you watched?
Hmm, Law abiding citizen.... I think.

36. Favorite day of the year?
I don't think I really have one.

37. Scary movies or happy endings?
Happy endings, I'm not a big fan of scary movies.

38. Winter or summer?
Fall.... and winter if I can stay inside :)

39. Hugs or kisses?
Right now... hugs. Though losing either would be sad.

40. What is your favorite dessert?
Sex in a pan... and yes it is partially for the amusement factor.

41. Who is most likely to do this meme?

42. Who is the least likely to do this meme and comment?
Anybody who has anything to do.

43. What books are you reading?
Nothing right now, my books haven't come out in paperback yet.

44. What’s on your mouse pad?
I don't have one.

45. What did you watch on TV last night?
I fell asleep to a dvd of the big bang theory but other than that I don't really watch TV.

46. Favorite smells?
Lavender, and my blue tub of lotion... it's a mix of flowers and fruit scent... so good.

47. Favorite sound?
My cat snoring, it's so cute.

48. Rolling Stones or Beatles?
Not that high on either one.

49. What’s the furthest you’ve been from your home?
Northern Manitoba. Yeah, not far.

50. Do you have a special talent?
Cooking, used to be writing but that's kinda fucked off lately.

51. What is your ring tone?
The sound of crickets and frogs. I love frogs.

I would do the other meme floating around... but I'm tired and don't wanna.