Friday, July 16, 2010

Me Again

Yet again, I don't really have anything to say. I feel kinda ridiculous posting when it's pretty much the same thing everyday. Wake up, do random menial things, go to sleep. Lather, rinse, repeat. Who wants to read that kinda crap?! But, I continue... hopefully soon I'll have some good stuff to write about. Those who stick around, even through the pointless posts sooooooooooooooo get a cookie. But, I'm on a diet right now so it probably wont be a good cookie. It'll be some celery, carrot, fake bake cookie... I just know it!

Speaking of diet... it connects to exercise. You know what else connects to exercise? Yeah, me either but I know damn well that I sure don't. How do I know this? Because Cael is not talking to me, like he said he wouldn't if I didn't get up and exercise when he told me to. Well guess what! I slept through my wakeup call the other day, and didn't get one today. Moreover, I was the one that told him I slept through it. Fucked myself over there didn't I? Yes, I have been taking shooting lessons from Sephani and she is a damn good teacher because I too, am shooting myself in the foot. Now, if you'll excuse me for a second I need to reload, for you see, I still have one more foot and I thought I'd take a shot at it as well. Ready, Aim, Fire! I have only been able to actually pry myself out of bed maybe 3 times since Cael has been waking me up. Though to even it up a bit I have been walking at night sometimes. (There's a theory but it's coming later.) I know it doesn't make up for it but it's better than nothing which is what I feel like doing. To be honest, I'm perfectly content to just sit at home and watch movies, write, and read. At least lately I am.

A few weeks ago I was sitting at my grandparents talking with my Uncle and Lady Di (Ha! Teary eyed and I haven't even finished the sentence!) and my Uncle was remarking that they had decided I needed to go out with them sometimes. (This is something my grandmother harps on A LOT) So them bringing it up didn't really shock me. What did shock me was being told that he thinks I'm a bit depressed. When he said this I teared up and I didn't know why. I laughed it off and shook my head at him and his words were "I've been there little girl you can't fool me." They haven't pressed the issue since, but it has made me think. It's made me think about all the little and big things that have happened in the last year, both from external and internal forces. I think that I may be a bit depressed. It would explain why I can't force myself to get up in the morning, I'd rather sleep... hell, I take that approach during the day too. I rarely leave home, when I do it's to the grocery store and back, for a quick walk and back, or over to my grandparents and back. That is it, and honestly.. other than grocery shopping... I force myself to do the other ones. I can go months and not walk or go over to somebodies house because I just don't want to. I go in spurts with my eating, normally I eat healthily but lately... I've been eating more and wanting junk and not cared about what it's doing to me or when I do I continue anyways. Other times I barely eat at all for days, I just do not get hungry.  There are other things, little things. Question is what the hell do I do about it, if anything? Maybe it'll just pass, maybe it wont. I don't know.

On to happier topics, I got an invite the other day. An invite to play around with a girl. I'm seriously contemplating it. Which made me think, why? If it was a guy asking for occasional play it would be a "no" instantly. What makes it a maybe with a girl and a no for a guy? My theory? I couldn't date a girl. Not constantly, exclusively and happily. I genuinely get along better with guys, they don't get pissy over my bluntness or attitude. I like girls, but I could not date one. However, this girl just offered play... no dominance what so ever. Which is good, because unless I'm the dominant I don't play with girls in that dynamic. I do not listen to them, I do not see them as dominant to me. There are some men that could never be dominant to me because I can outsmart them, out think them, top from the bottom and they wouldn't even clue in to it. I've done it before. Women are just not in that role for me. Be it threesome or random play added to an existing relationship. I recently got asked about maybe trying a threesome with a couple, I really like the guy... however, the girl wanted to dominate me. I had to say no because I know it wouldn't go well, I knew I wouldn't listen, wouldn't play the game. The guy I would listen to in a heartbeat, on top of the fact I react very well to this particular guy and I don't think the girl would be too happy about me basically ignoring her. She'd probably end up trying to get my attention, or punishing me in some way for it and it would just piss me off and make me want to walk. (Not to mention being an add in and watching these two people together wouldn't make me feel too hot but that's a small factor compared to the rest) It would not work. Same would go if  I was in a relationship and the dominant wanted to add a girl or guy for the matter.  I'd take priority and be dominant to her/him or it would not happen. I'd even rather it was just a few random play sessions not a permanent addition to the relationship. I just don't share my toys well!

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