Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The Moon Never Beams Without Bringing Me Dreams

A short blurb.

Curled up in my living room chair is always a comfortable safe place to be. A blanket, a book, tea or even an animal are all things that can be found in my chair with me from time to time. These things don't make the chair comfortable. It's the way the chair feels, the way envelops me as I sink down into it. Fucked up thought of the day? This chair reminds me of my submission.  Just like my submission it's not always comfortable at first. Changing positions, posture, removing or adding things .. it's all the same. Sometimes it's pillows, sometimes it's rules. However, it all eventually becomes comfortable and comforting.

When I can't sit in my chair I'm not very comfortable in any other. I can sit in them, but it's not the same. If I sit elsewhere long enough I can actually get sore. It doesn't feel right. It doesn't envelop me the way my chair does. There's something missing. Going on 11 months without a master, there are things missing there too. I'm missing the rules, the intimacy, the comfort. I think I may even be starting to physically miss the word "Master." I ache to say it sometimes, to be owned. To serve. I'm happier when I'm owned, when I'm being used.

Some of this is definitely alleviated by Cael. He wakes me  in the mornings, if I do not he finds a way to punish me. It's a little thing but it helps. He also gives little commands that aren't really commands... I can easily say no to him but I rarely do. It's comforting having him around like that in little ways. He's not my master, but he is definitely dominant to me. It eases some small ache but doesn't take away the need or desire for a master I can call my own.

Words pertain to many things, they're like dreams. One dream or word can take on many meanings, forms and lives.

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