Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Random Thoughts....They're All I Have.

First, I'm fairly certain that Nilla shattered my jaw when it fell open so far with this post. After reading it, I have to say that I'm a little jealous. I actually had to text her and inform her of the broken-jaw-jealous-syndrome. She giggled,  it was totally compassionate I know it :). 

My cat took out three of my herb plants. I managed to replant and attempt to save. I don't have a lot of hope for them.

For the next few days this house is an all female home. The males have gone camping. My mother and I didn't go because 1 she works this week, 2 from time to time nature tries to kill me with its pollen and plantness. So unless I have somebody there that can leave and take me back whenever nature tries to murder me I cannot go. This makes me sad. I love the area they are camping in and love walking it.... as long as I'm in the park. Out of the park one must be armed with a rifle or one runs the risk of being eaten by various wildlife. While I mourn not being able to go, I celebrate basically having the house to myself.

Being basically alone for about a week is wonderful... until I run out of things to do. (Did I mention that I finished everything I need to do all summer in the first week I was off? Yeah, it's a good news, bad news kind of deal.) Another down side is sleeping arrangements. Not mine, the animals. The cat sleeps wherever the hell she wants so that's not really an issue. The dog however, usually sleeps in my parents bed with them. Since my mother works nights there will be nobody in that bed thus the dog will not sleep in it. She will try to sleep with me, and I am allergic to her no matter how pretty she is when she blinks her eyes and tries to persuade me. I'm thinking I may just move their new bed into my room for the night and see if that works. Hopefully the cat allows the dog on it otherwise I am going to be a puffy eyed wreck in the morning.

Over the last week or so I've noticed a change in Cael. He went from being his flirty, playful self to being more closed off and responding to me differently than he normally does. Part of this could be that he hasn't seen his gf in a bit, but I'm wondering if he isn't pulling back. If so, fine, I can learn to deal with it but it really quite sucks.

All day today I have felt that I may chew off a limb if it got me cuddles.

I was asked today why I didn't do casual sex. After responding with a few random things I actually sat and thought about it. Truth is, I want a guy that will eventually feel like home to me. I want that feeling again, there is nothing like it and random, casual sex will not get me that. It would get me laid and played with... but without the other stuff I do not see it as worth it. I can accomplish my own orgasm, not a guaranteed thing during sex, I don't need sex for that. Yes I want to be touched and cuddled and played with and bruised, but without the comfort, the love and the feeling of home with whomever I am with... I have no interest in it. I am just not a casual person, if I really love somebody, a tiny part of me will love them forever no matter how hard I try to squash it. If I hate somebody, I can be civil, but that hate will last forever. There is nothing in the world that could erase it. If I dislike a person I can be persuaded, same with liking a person.. it can go the other way, but the real, harsh (be it good or bad) emotions stick. I am not casual in love nor hate.

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