Friday, July 2, 2010
Apology, So Far, and Thoughts...In That Order!
First the apology. My posts have kinda sucked lately. I've been doing bullet points, pictures, surveys and the like to take up space. I honestly can't decide if it's because I don't have a lot to say or I have a bunch to say and it's either not safe here, I'm being overly cautious or it's all trying to come forward at once and leaving me with nothing. I don't know, but today I will try to write an actual post to make up for the crap ones I've posted lately. (It totally just occurred to me that I did write a lengthy--ish post a few days ago but I locked it. But! It totally still counts, if you want the password leave a comment or email me and you'll most likely get it.)
So far today I have dusted, wiped everything down, picked everything up, vacuumed and spent over an hour with my carpet cleaner trying to clean the carpets. My chair (old, old thing. It was my great grandmothers) is definitely on its way out. I moved it so I could shampoo under it and found a huge black mark.... I know it's from the chair and it's penchant to pop screws out and leave behind a fine metal dust that has stained my carpets! I got most of it out but I was not expecting that.
I'm trying to right my diet... again. However, I do have help this time. Actual help, not help that finds a gf and buggers off after asking how my diet was going ONCE!.... I'm not upset, disappointed maybe. I ended up asking Cael to help me, or at the very least ask once in a while how it's going. He said he would ask every night, though I'm not expecting that to happen. He has a gf, he's busy, but he is way more likely to remember to check once in a while.
Speaking of diet, it's sucked balls so far (and not the fun way either....my oral withdrawal is peaking through.) I can try to eat healthily all I want.... but when my family insists on eating crap (especially when I'm the one that cooks it more often than not. They drive me nuts when they're in my kitchen. They rearrange shit and get in my way. The words "Get out!" are said a lot around here.) .... my will power is not endless. I'm going to keep trying to improve and next week they will not be given a choice in what they have, it'll be what I make. Counting calories is not something I'm worried about just yet, I will have to count calories... I know this. But! Right now I am just worrying about eating right. Once I get into that habit then I will worry about calories. The fact that I am not one for sweets helps this, I don't do a lot of junk really, though we all have our guilty pleasures. My issue, is quantity. Limiting my calories per meal helps. Then it becomes a matter of choices, seafood and veggies you can have a hell of a lot of for 400-500 cals. Pasta, red meats and breads however, you cannot. Of course I know not to deprive myself all the time, that I need to have what I want on occaison in moderation otherwise I'll fail. I know all the diet/health rules and all the tricks. I know what to do and not to do and all the little known ridiculousness (lack of sleep makes you crave carbs... wtf kind of reasoning is that? Though apparently it's true.). It's putting things into practice, the follow through is where I screw up. Thus, I need help. I now have it, he even said he could give punishments if need be, which sounded really good. Which is why I said no. I know me, and I know him, and I know some of the conversations we've had lately. It would be entirely too easy to fall M/s like that, it almost happened already(I was left with my nails dug into a cliff side, with sharp pointy rocks below... the fact that I so wanted to let go of that cliff was not helpful but I cannot do that. Damn my morals!). Not good when he has a gf. So no punishments, just help and encouragement and disappointment if need be. ....though one day punishments would be nice :P(See, I'm really not helpful. I just can't figure out which personality is the traitor!)
Speaking of M/s and Cael. He and I ended up talking about the punishments B gave me. I think we both came to the conclusion that there was a lack of them. I was only ever punished once, and I had to ask for it. We ALL know I needed it more. Maybe I would have stayed on track more, I don't know. I am curious though, apparently Cael doesn't just threaten... he actually punishes. I keep finding more and more I like about him, or maybe I just keep finding out more and more of what I need in a dominant. Have to ponder that one.
Pondering is something I've been doing a lot of lately. While I was cleaning this morning (and now apparently... just thought of something to ask Cael...I are teh smert!.....I actually had to go ask him, I know better than to wait for the end of the post!) I was thinking about how much I have come out of my shell lately. I know B had a hand in that, he made me feel comfortable and okay with me for the first time ever. However, that disappeared when he did. Now though, it's back and it seems to have brought its friends and they are having one fuck of a party with my mouth. I am normally shy, I am not lately. I literally shocked myself with how often I was talking to people at my uncle's wedding. I didn't know half of them... it didn't seem to matter. (and NO! it wasn't the 8 Caesars I drank, I was like that the night before too sans alcohol) This has also been happening with my body. I'm certainly not happy with it but, in the last 4 days, I have sent Cael several pictures of my body and face and Sephi one face picture. I didn't really want to do it, but I did. I never would have before. I dated B for quite a while, he'd even seen me naked and he never got pictures, let alone with my face or lack of clothes. I just wasn't comfortable, now depending on the person it's just kind of a "meh" thing. ... I have a feeling this will not help my fascination with public play.
One last thought that has been bugging me for a while is topping from the bottom. I find it silly to worry over. Isn't worrying about topping from the bottom and monitoring what you do and say, exactly topping from the bottom? If you're always worried about it and changing what you do ... you are doing the masters job. It's their job to decide what's allowed and what's not, and to shape you how they want. Deciding that you can't say or do something because it make be topping from the bottom is taking away their right to make the rules if you have a completely different set in your head. Just my opinion though. I may think too much.
And now I think I'm done because I'm sitting on a carpet that isn't completely dry and the soap is making my ass sting. ...kinda like the sting of welts... I'm now concerned that I'm enjoying this and missing that oh so familiar sting.
Posted by Serene at 5:49 AM