Wednesday, December 28, 2011


I suppose I should update.

I'm not going to lie. I have absolutely been avoiding this place like the plague for the last oh.. month.  And even before then to tell you the truth.  I'm going to do this post in bullet points to get it out because there is so much to tell but not a lot of stuff that I can go into details with. To be honest, it's been a really, really rough year and the last month has really amped it up in even more unpleasant and terrifying ways.

  • You'll notice that the list of rules that used to run down the left side of the blog are gone now yes? That's because it was easier to just delete them than to have to go through and rewrite. 
  • The reason those are now gone? I am no longer in an M/s or D/s or any kind of BDSM relationship. Cael and I are still together, we're just doing the vanilla thing until other things clear up a bit. 
  • When Cael first emailed me about not being my dom anymore he meant we were done. We talked for a few days and decided just to lose the Dominant and submissive aspects for a while among other things. Still though, I was a wreck. I was calm when I was talking to him.. level headed and understanding but inside I was a mess.. panicking. It was bad. It's not the dominant him that I love(I am not using luff there!). It's just him and not having him at all was terrifying to me. The day he told me I had to go to a christmas dinner (an early one). I didn't want to go.. at all. I knew I was getting things for him and I there and that was the last thing I wanted. However, two bottles of wine in and I opened the shit, shoved it behind me and moved on. I was in tears all the way out in the car and back though. It was a tough week. 
  • Once Cael was back and we were toying with the vanilla thing it was kind of fun. I could tease him... I could say no. He had to ask for things not demand them (though he can be dominant whenever the mood strikes him, whether the M/s is active or not I am still his, still owned.) He was sweet... he called me gorgeous and told me how much I meant to him. It was the old Cael and I enjoyed it.. a lot :).
  • After the vanilla test out I didn't hear from him the next day.  We agreed we didn't have to talk everyday because he's still sorting a lot of stuff out from coming out of the hospital early. So I didn't really think much of it. Turns out he didn't talk to me because he was in an accident. He goes in a few days to have invasive brain surgery because he undid the fix they had done the last time he had to have surgery. I am absolutely terrified. Needless to say he hasn't said anything in days. I know he's scared.. who wouldn't be? I do appreciate that he took the time out to tell me instead of just withdrawing though. I do however hate not knowing when he has the surgery because when he told me it was just an approximate idea and we haven't talked since. I hate that since the person who normally texts me to let me know that the surgery went okay is gone, I will have no way of knowing if something goes wrong.
  • Christmas day without Cael was really rough. I spent half the day with the "Don't bawl" chant in my head. On top of that there was just a lot of favoritism and stupidity and bullshit I just didn't have the patience for. I left early and everybody thought I was pissed off.. I was irritated but not pissed off. Especially listening to my aunt who recently dropped over 100 pounds complain about being fat and the whole conversation surrounding it. They always seem to totally zap my self esteem somehow. Mostly though, it was just too hard watching couples be lovey dovey, and not even be able to talk to Cael. My uncle asked me if that was what the problem was but I said no and walked away. I couldn't say yes.. I'd have started to bawl. That was the last thing I needed. 
  • I'm so drained emotionally and mentally and even physically I've had three people ask if I either have a broken nose or have been punched and have a black eye. It looks like I do. Around my eyes is pretty damn dark.. and it's not from lack of sleep. I'm just drained. You know the phrase "Hollowed Eyes" ?  I literally have them at this point. It has been a rough year. 
  • I'm like a raw nerve lately. Anything anybody says pricks me more than normal and as a result I get hurt more and it makes me more raw and it's a vicious circle. 
So, that's about it. That's why I've been avoiding this place because I'm either going through too much to write because I can't share everything or this is the last place I want to be. I'll try to do better, but I wont make any promises. Not for a while anyways.

Oh, and the first person that tells me to leave Cael because it's too hard gets their face introduced to a brick wall Mmm'kay?

Sunday, December 11, 2011

As Promised

I have come back to post!

To be honest there really isn't a whole lot going on. Or at least I'm not finding the things that are to be important or note worthy. I'm caught in that masterless limbo. This time is different though.. I'm not even counting days like last time. I just am.. I'm waiting and I'm content to wait.  It's a weird feeling. A lot of submission mixed in there. My ass? It's owned and it's happy that way. Yes, it's hard but I would so much rather go through this and have Master than to not have him ever. I luff him to pieces, and I'm devoted to him and I'm not going anywhere. He's home to me. Even more so now since we had that blow up.. it mellowed me out in a lot of ways that we've never been able to accomplish before.. all because he got mad. It just made everything click into place for me submission wise. I think I've finally let go of that one last piece of control I was clinging to. I've always been his but I don't think there's a way back now. Not and be the same person I was before.  I miss him, but it's worth it.

I have my first Christmas coming up on Tuesday. My cousin is back from over seas so we're having an early Christmas for him. To me, because I'm pagan Christmas is just family and presents to me.. that's it really. So that should be fun.. or at least distracting.

That's really all I have right now.. I need to start blogging when I have ideas again because I had things I Wanted to blog about but I've forgotten all of them. Damn. -.-


Thursday, December 8, 2011

Haul Me In

First off, I apologize for missing posts.. not only EdenFantasys posts but regular posts. The last few weeks have been really rough and I promise to try to blog today or soon to let you all know what's going on.

Now, on to the reason I came on here.

I just got out of the shower.

I? Had a new shower buddy.

This morning the purolator guy came to my door and presented me with a 7 pound box. In this box was a towel, some body wash/bubble bath, some bath salts, and some body scrubs. That's right. No sex toys in this batch, because recently EF has started carrying whole new lines of awesome products that have nothing or very little to do with the aforementioned sex toys. Essentially, they've broadened their selection and in the process given us all more reason to shop there :)

Well, I grabbed one of the scrubs, to be specific it was the Walnut Sugar Scrub. After a few minutes in the shower it thawed out a bit. It be snowing outside...again! Now, I think part of the awesome appeal of this scrub this particular time was that it was cold. It has mint in it to begin with which has a cooling affect but add in the icicles it developed and it was all kinds of refreshing. I'm contemplating leaving it in the window sill so it happens again. The exfoliating pieces (which I assume are walnut or almond) are nicely almost rounded so it doesn't irritate your skin. I think this is something that could possibly be used every other day. Every day I think it may become damaging since it is so affective. The scent of this scrub is absolutely amazing and impossible to describe. There is mint and nut and coconut and just.. yum.

Also, did you know that they have recently started carrying makeup? They have.

This company has become SO much more than just another sex toy store. They're even supplying a good portion of my christmas presents. Candles, body wash, scrubs, back massagers, clothing... the list is almost endless.

Sexy Christmas gifts from EdenFantasys - the sex toys shop you can trust!

Thursday, December 1, 2011


So, I've been sick for a long ass time now. Feel like hell but I've gotten quite a few emails and one or two questions so I thought I should at least come on and update a little.

A quick picture update at that.

First off, see this?  These are my jeans. The bottom pair are my old jeans. The top pair are the jeans I just bought. A size smaller. I have a happy.

I got an email asking me about the color I dyed my hair. Now, it is faded..quite a bit actually. It's been months since I dyed my hair so it's more just a slight tinge at this point. Normally it's almost a candy apple-ish color when I first dye it. Next time I get permission to dye my hair I'll make sure to take a picture. ... and yes, those are my panties hanging off the laundry basket.

And finally, this is the sky in my backyard. See that coloring? That's the color it turned the day after about 7 fires burned out a lot of fields and houses and so on around us. They had finally put all the fires out and the smoke had cleared.. it's pretty in a terrifying kind of way.  If you look near the bottom left hand corner you can still see a little smoke.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Day 2

Day 02: Something you love about yourself.

I am finding this one surprisingly hard.

I guess I love that I am very honest, blunt and loyal. All three together have made it so some people can't handle me but, they've also been something that I'm proud of and that have drawn some lifelong friends to me.

Well, I'm sick. Like, very sick. I ended up in the hospital the other night and the cold only seems to be getting worse so I'm really hoping it doesn't happen again. This? Is I all I have tonight. I'm pondering some stuff about Cael and my submission but it's not formed enough to get on screen yet. Maybe next time.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

In Through The Nose. Out Through The Mouth.

I am functioning.. I'm still alive. Still breathing.

I'm not entirely sure how much I can share right now so I'll just say this: Cael is gone for a bit again, he's also angry with me. Those two things aren't related in the sense most would assume but that's all I can say until I talk to him again and we figure out how much I'm allowed to share.  Suffice to say with him being angry with me I'm not very happy.. at all. Because of this and not wanting to let this blog go to hell I'm going to try doing the 30 Days Of Truth Meme. I'm not saying I'll do it every day or even answer every question but it should help me blog a bit more and give me something else to talk about besides Master and being upset.

Here is the list if you want to play along:

Day 01: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02: Something you love about yourself.
Day 03: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion- Or what do you think of politics-
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do-
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life- If so, when and why-
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now-
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do-
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Day 01: Something you hate about yourself.

There are several things I hate about myself but the one at the forefront of my mind right now is my picking. I have a tendency to pick and pester until I get answers with Cael. I need to learn and accept that he does listen to me, and he will take care of me and answer me in his own time. Not mine. He is the master after all. I've never had anybody actually follow through.. I don't understand it and it's hard to accept sometimes. So, maybe that's really the root of what I hate about myself. I hate that things have happened in my life that I'm letting impact Cael and I. We both have issues but I can work on fixing mine.. or at least lessening them. 

I've actually been looking around for a therapist or something to help me get over this because I seem to be stuck on my own with it. I am having very little luck in the small town I'm in. Though in all honesty, maybe this is the boot in the ass I needed. Gods know the last time he got mad at me it certainly changed everything. I still wish it didn't happen though.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Get Real!

Have you all heard of The Adult Toy Shoppe? Yeah. I’m betting you have. They sent me a toy to review a bit ago but before I get to that I’d just like to say something. I love the name of this company! Seriously. There are so many sex toy shops that come up with these ridiculous names. If I’m looking at a toy that two shops carry for the same price.. I am going to choose the shop whose name doesn’t make my cringe. Yes I am vaguely eccentric!

To start with lets get the specs out of the way shall we?

According to the website the dildo I received has an insertable length of 4.5 inches, with the thickest width being 1.5 inches.

This is not an intimidating toy size wise. When I received the package (a standard blister pack) I was actually surprised at the amount of texture on this toy. It doesn’t look like it has a whole lot in the pictures on the site, however there is quite a bit and it can definitely be felt.

To be completely honest, I am absolutely torn on this toy as to what I think of it.

I finally got the chance the other night to use it. I was understandably excited. I just recently discovered my love of dildos...and realistic dildos at that so getting one had me skipping around. I pulled the toy out of the package and promptly smacked it to the wall. It has a suction cup on the end that made a wonderful *THWACK* as it stuck to the wall.

That? Is where it stayed for quite a while so I could see how well the cup worked. Pretty well; I had to pry it off the wall. Unfortunately that right there is the only time I used the suction cup. The toy is just too short for it to be used on the wall for anything more than teasing. On a chair it may work better but right now I don't have a flat smooth base to stick it to to try it out.

Once it was off I took it to the bathroom and washed it then turned and promptly dropped it on the floor. So, I can tell you that pet hair sticks to it amazingly well.

FINALLY, washed for a second time, I crawled into bed with my new toy. Now, here is where I get torn.

As I used this toy it definitely felt good. However, I wanted more. I wanted it to be longer and thicker and to really fill my up. As it is this toy does not bump my cervix like I enjoy, but that’s okay because it does run nicely over my g-spot. It seems to be the absolute perfect length for that.

Then the tapering… it starts thin and gets a little thicker as it goes. I love that full feeling as the head of the toy pops into me. Then again, sometimes that thick feeling can be way too much. I have toys that literally stretch me to the point that I cannot take them in without hurting. I am fairly tight and small inside so for that this toy is great.. but I love that thick feeling too.

I was literally having trouble getting deep into this toy. Yet? I was absolutely soaked. It was like the texture of the toy was literally juicing me. I could feel it running down the toy and over the “balls” which is quite appealing to me. Orgasm is my only hobby :D  Once I found the groove of the toy it wasn’t long before the orgasm hit me. There was no focusing, there was no keeping control. My eyes rolled back and I writhed enough I almost fell off the bed.

Do you see my problem? I found myself wanting more yet this toy totally satisfied me more than some of the bigger toys I have. I think for me part of the appeal of the big toys is the force to them. The force helps get me off. Now though? Now I’ve found a new way. I get a completely different, and generally stronger, orgasm from this toy and I love that!

Once I was finished I set the toy down and fell right to sleep. I rarely do that… normally I am completely anal (BTW! This toy is completely anal safe with the large base. However, because of the porous tendency which you are about to see if you use this toy anally ONLY using it anally is probably your best bet.) about cleaning my toys. So, I woke up in the morning and grabbed the toy to clean it off. This is what I found :

Apparently the base of the toy had been touching a candle and  sucked up the coloring from it. Now. This toy is made out of a phthalate free rubber.  So I think we can safely assume this toy will absorb some bodily fluids and lube as time goes on. So I would recommend replacing this toy every now and then. If you spill something totally not good for your body… like nail polish remover and a cleaner of some sort on this..I’m not sure I’d risk using it again. I say toss it and get a new because at the price of this thing you can totally afford to do it! 

I Think I just talked myself into this toy even more…definitely going to replace it when the time comes!

Thank you to for letting me try out this dildo!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011


Part of that title it totally just for Sephi :D

Something happened to me today. Sephi tagged me for a VBA award! Then it hit me that my bestie is a bish.. using this to make me blog more. Silly woman! I am following my rules. Every three days as decreed by the almighteh one and he seems content with this amount. So neh! No more posts for you and you can't do nuffin!

Oh and thanks.

So here are the rules:
1.  You need to link back to the person that gave you the award
     Just peek at the previous paragraph, you'll see it!...yes I kept it!
2.  You need to share 7 things about yourself 
  • I am in a 24/7 TPE (our own version) relationship. 
  • I am hopelessly dedicated to my owner. 
  • I am absolutely head over heels, giggling idiot kind of in luff with my owner. 
  • I have an odd note book collection. I Can't seem to get enough. 
  • I am slowly building up my toy collection and am absolutely giddy over it.
  • Today I bought a fake christmas tree and am assembling it myself just to tell Cael that I can put things together and do it right! 
  • I find things that would normally start a fight between a couple to be absolutely hilarious. I'm more likely to laugh and mock it then get upset and fight over it. (IE. Cael told me that he would build things without my help and it would be done right the first time..I laughed. And now I'm building a tree!)
3.  Pass along this award to 15 blogs you enjoy reading!
I'm not even sure I read 15 blogs but I'll go as much as I can :) 
1. Kaya at Under His Hand.
She is one of the first blogs I ever read and she is absolutely awesome to talk to!

2. Kitten at Paw Prints In Slavery. Her submission and feelings toward her master are amazing to me and make me feel like I'm not the only one going about things this particular way and she makes me feel not so alone. /end sob.  :D 
3. Carrie Ann at A View From The Floor . She hasn't been as actively blogging lately as when I first started reading her years ago but I still love her blog. She seems to bring together a lot of what I grew up seeing and knowing and mixes it seamlessly with submission.. plus she's pretty funny and her rants are absolutely the best!

4. Emma at Ramblings of a Kajira. She is just an awesome read and her photography is honestly a motivation for me to lose weight. I absolutely love some of her pictures and they push me. 

5. Morningstar at The Journey. She's real.. she struggles and she's honest and it's nice to see reality in these relationships.

6. Nilla at Vanillamom's Blog. I don't think this list would be complete without her. She's who I go to when I need blessings and prayer for me or for Cael. When I'm confused and lost, she definitely somebody I go to. She's a mix of sub sister and sub mother to me.. some of her guidance is definitely more motherly than sisterly but it's helpful and I'm thankful for it :) 

7. Biddable at A Slave Among Drivers ... because she's Canadian, she is very honest in her blog and she is fucking funny that's why! 

8. Lexi ... whose blog is protected so not everybody can read so I wont post the link. She is the very first blog I started reading years ago when she wrote at Behind The Collar. And I've followed every blog since. She does foodie well, and she's always a funny, and interesting read. 

9. Sephi at Turn The Paige . I've known her for quite a while now and we met through her blog and since then we've become sickeningly close and know entirely too much about each other. 

So, uh... I'm out of blogs that are still active or that I read regularly. But I promise to come back and update this as I find new blogs!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Anything You Can Do I Can Do Dirtier

Another short post tonight. I'm tired and feel kinda icky. Plus I seem to be really sore and I'm not sure why. It's like I've run 10 miles in my sleep or something. Just popping on to show you my new toy organizer.

Are ya ready?!

Almost every pocket has something in it. I actually filled my Rubbermaid tub since some of the toys couldn't be bare in the tub and wouldn't fit in a pouch and their packaging was bulky. So, I have this. As I get more the more bulky toys will stay in it and I'll take the glass toys out and put them back in the tub. (red bags have glass toys in them, sometimes two to save space.)  My organization freak gets to come out and play with my toys!! A bit ago I told Cael when we find a house I'll do all the packing and unpacking for the move and I so meant it! I love to go through things and organize them and pack them then unpack them and organize them in specific ways when we get them to the house. I will seriously be in my freak like subby glory. Which is great because he hates doing that kind of stuff . Win - Win.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

See this?

This? Is an awesome bath waiting to happen. Now, in order to get this picture I had to mix the salts into a bowl of water and gently mix it into the bath water. A lot of people have said that the bath salts in question do not produce much by way of bubbles. I have not found that to be true. In fact, I've found if I put the salts in right away at the start of running the bath I get a lot of bubbles. I've actually had bubbles up over the ledge of the tub.

The salts in this picture are from the Shunga bath salts Ocean edition. This is my first canister of Shunga bath salts and as much as I love baths... I have to say that I prefer the Kama Sutra Treasure of the Sea(which is an ocean scent)bath salts.

There are a few notable differences in the two products:

1. The exact same amount of salts produces different looks. The kama sutra has a deeper blue.

2. The shunga bath salts have an oil or a soap to them that makes the bottom of the tub very slippery. I've actually fallen in the tub because of this. The Kama sutra doesn't seem to have this issue.

3. The scent of the shunga salts is a much more perfumey scent. Due to allergies I'm fairly sensitive to scent. Most people say the shunga is more delicate.. and it is.. but it also bothers my allergies and affects my asthma. It's not a strong scent, but it's very cloying.

4. The Kama Sutra salts come in a little bigger container but they are a little more expensive.

So, go get some bath salts from EdenFantasys!

Now, I wasn't going to mention this yet but I kinda have to. I recently received a package. .... in this package was a hitachi magic wand. Now, I love sex toys and I have quite a few. But I have to say.. this magic wand.. It's awesome!! It vibrates every single inch of me. I also managed to grab some more tantus toys. It was an awesome package! Make sure you go check them out... I have yet to be disappointed by these sex toys!

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store

So Uh,

My bad.

I missed a post. But, I don't have much to say. Still happy I get to talk to Cael... still luff him to pieces. I don't feel too great today so this is totally just an "Oh shit!" make up post.

Thursday, November 10, 2011


I'm sure you've noticed by now that today is Love Our Lurkers day here in blogland. This is the sixth year that Bonnie from My Bottom Smarts has done this. So many blogs are participating and I think it's easy to see why. We want to talk to you! We're just people ya know :) No need to be scared. I love interacting with people that read my blog.

Use a fake name if you have to, or if you're really shy just send me an email. I'd love to hear from you.

Of course I understand not wanting to comment. I didn't for years. There are some blogs even now I that I don't comment on or if I do it's rare. All the same though I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to read whatever is going on in my life. Blogging is definitely more fun with the interaction.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Take Along

I totally broke down last night. It was a combination of PMS, a really shitty day, and a good helping of sub drop. No, really. I've never had sub drop without rough play before but it happened. I think because I was so high and happy Sunday getting Caels attention and getting some dominance and finally getting to talk to him again by Tuesday when I hadn't heard from him everything just came crashing down. By six o' clock last night I was in bed, had text Cael and was bawling. I'm fairly certain I know where he was and why he hadn't answered but that didn't matter. I just wanted my master and some reassurance and my bed. I'm really hoping I get to talk to him today so I don't devolve back to that place again. I don't have much to say other than that so I decided I'd do a meme that's  been circulating around a few different vanilla blogs.

Apparently you can learn a lot about a person from what they carry in their bag. 

What type of bag do you carry?

Right now it's a hobo-ish leather bag.

Explain what's in your bag and state why it's there:

Wallet...for obvious reasons I think.

Kleenex packet because allergies suck ass.

Gum because it seems to help with my motion sickness in cars.

My keys...ya know, so I can get back into my house when I get home.

A pen because I always need one and never seem to have it.

Most likely last weeks grocery list because I only seem to take it out the day I go for groceries to put in the new one.

A little wallet style compact with lip gloss in it that I think I've used maybe once.

An inhaler for my asthma.. I don't leave the house without one.

Hand sanitizer because I'm vaguely OCD.

A little pad of paper because I get random awesome ideas for things.

Some halls just in case.

And the last thing.. which is totally the most subbie thing in my bag.

Ready for it?


No really, it's a total subbie thing! See, Cael is allergic to advil... I am an advil person. I always have been. A while ago I was out of advil and went to the store and picked some up, put in my bag and didn't think about it. Well, I went to use it a bit ago and I find tylenol. Apparently I am naturally making choices he wants and needs without even knowing it.

That right there is not a matter of being owned. That is a matter of being slowly eaten alive and completely possessed.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Coming Home

Well considering I'm posting and assuming you've read the title you've probably already guessed what the post is about. Cael is home.

Lets try that again.


That's more like it :)

When he first got home and text me, I'm not going to lie... I bawled. The day had been total shit. I had worked myself up into little bit of a frenzy due things happening on some of his accounts that shouldn't have been if he wasn't home. It had happened before but for some reason this one really sent me spinning. So I had text him and suddenly he was answering me saying he just got out the night before and his phone just turned on and he had no idea about what I was talking about. Turns out it was the person he left his computer with on his accounts that I now want to throat punch but I'm sure I'll get over that before I meet him :) Hopefully. The first thing he did was apologize for it and we talked a bit. Fairly superficial stuff because he wasn't ready to be out. The next few days I basically left him alone and he wanted left alone. So while I was happy he was home it wasn't much different than when he was gone. I kept myself busy. I did get a couple texts out of him but not a lot.

Today, I got his attention. Quite a lot of his attention actually. I love having his attention... I've always hated it with anybody else but I just soak it up with him. He claimed me, luffed me, and gave me a task to complete. He flexed his dominance and again, I soaked it up. He gave me a picture task. I had to take a picture of every toy I own in use. Normally I'd have balked at it, not wanted to do it, tried to subtly convince him out of it and take mercy on me. This time I just did it... and I had a smile on my face the whole time. We talked and joked and I got my cuddles and luffs and it just felt like coming home. Which is really stupid considering I didn't go anywhere. But as I've said before, Cael has become my home. When he's gone so is my home. So even though he's been home for a few days until we got to talk and reconnect I was still a little floaty. However, I knew better than to pick and beg and pester him. I know he isn't back to himself yet and doing that would not be helpful at all. Today though, he gave it to me anyways. All on his own and that means a hell of a lot more than almost anything else.

I'm so calm and happy. I haven't felt this way in months. Even though the time apart sucked really really badly and I hate seeing him like that, I think in the long run it may have been good. I seem to be more secure with him, and with my submission to him. There were times while he was gone that with the activity on his accounts I doubted if he really was in there. Every time though I'd always pull back into myself and us. Even when I could see things that would have led me to believe I was being lied to. I just... trusted. I waited and believed even if I did falter now and then. That is an astonishing amount of trust for anybody, but especially for me with B disappearing like that where he wouldn't talk to me but I could see activity on accounts. So for the trust and loyalty to be that strong that 99.9% of the time I was absolutely, entirely and completely trusting and believing even when it was so easy to have believed otherwise.. that's a big deal. I also learned that he's not going to forget me. For some reason that was a big thing for me.. I've never had a lot of self worth so I figured if we didn't talk or he wasn't here with me he'd forget about me. Not true. We went one month where we barely talked and then one month where we didn't talk at all and he still came back to me. He still luffs and I'm still owned and his. And that? That is the most reassuring thing of all.

Every face he made today, every time he laughed or smiled my entire chest would swell. This mix of luff and submission and trust and adoration would flare up and I'd happy wiggle and just want more of him. Of course, I've always been like that with him.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, I luff that man to fucking pieces.

Now, I'm off to send my nightly email to him, put on my cuffs for the first time in weeks and curl up into bed and watch movies and hopefully get to say goodnight to him. I can't think of a better way to end the best day I've had in a long time.

My little world? It's complete again. Mostly because he just happens to be my little world.

Monday, October 31, 2011


Tonight as the barrier between the two realms grow thin
spirits walk amongst us again
they be family, friends and foe
pets and wild life, fishes and crow
This feast I shall leave on my doorstep all night
in my window one candle shall burn bright
to help my loved ones find their way
as they travel this eve until dawn
Bless my offering, both Lady and Lord
of breads and fruits, greens and gourds
Dark Mother your cauldron is a well of death and rebirth
Dark Father your sword both protects and annihilates
hear me now as the past year slowly dies only to be reborn again
may the good come to pass the bad be cast aside
with your divine guidance and protection, I step into the New Year.

Normally I absolutely love Samhain. This year though it just feels like another day. Yet, I will light a candle tonight. And chances are good I'll take time to reflect on the past and set future goals, things I want to improve and harvest. 
Blessed Be.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

EdenFantasys Pulls Ahead

Okay, Okay.

I know I just wrote a post about EF a few days ago but this isn't a post on sex toys...there are no vibrators or dildos to be seen in this post (Go look at them anyways though! Just looking at them is enjoyable!). Something happened that I need to write about. I received a package yesterday and something happened in shipping that hadn't before and ended up costing me money. I was not pleased. This was the first time in the year that I've been working with EdenFantasys that I wasn't happy. I was upset about the extra charge but I was more saddened because I love EF. So, first thing I did was phone UPS and see what happened. Next, I sent in a support ticket to Edens customer service (btw, did you know they have their own Customer service forum?). In the meantime I was obviously upset so I mentioned that fact on twitter.

Well, my support ticket was answered by Rachel within about an hour and a half...on a Friday no less. We must have spent a couple hours going back and forth. In the end she gave me a discount code, and is looking into shipping policies for me. She also went way above and beyond and actually gave me her individual email address to email her next time I put in an order and she'll run out to shipping and check on it for me. That is way beyond what I was expecting her to do and makes me feel even more confident about ordering from them again.

While all this was going on, I was tweeting. I think I only got two tweets out before Kristi, who runs the main account for Eden on twitter, sent me a direct message. She asked what had gone wrong and sent me a link to submit a support ticket. I have never had a company respond on twitter like that and almost instantly. The customer support? Fastest I've ever dealt with. Seriously. I recently submitted a few messages to other companies about a week ago. I still haven't heard back. Once again. EdenFantasys proves why it's one of the leading companies and definitely has the best customer service I've seen.

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Pucker Up Baby!

Did you know that EdenFantasys is ALWAYS getting in new products?

By now I'm sure you know that Eden carries sex toys, a lot of sex toys. Thousands of sex toys. They renew them a lot. They actually have a thread on their EdenFantasys Eden Link forum called Weekly Buzz.  Obviously by the name you can tell that they post a new thread every week. What does this thread contain? Why let me tell you!

New products.

A lot of new products.

This week alone there are at least three new vibrators, several new fleshlights, a bunch of lingerie and an entire new line of products. Which I will be telling you about in a few days. These things are so gorgeous they definitely deserve their own post.

One thing I found that they recently added that I haven't seen in the weekly buzz is a lip gloss. The lip gloss is made by Kama Sutra which is a huge plus to begin with. I have yet to find a product of theirs that I don't like. The gloss is flavored and comes in mint, cherry, or strawberry and gives "sensations" which sensations I'm not sure... it doesn't list anywhere the specific feeling you get. However, it is designed to enhance your oral pleasures. I think I'd enjoy just wearing it in general. I know I for one enjoy tasting good and plan to give one of these a try soon!

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store

Tuesday, October 25, 2011


And he went back to meet the fox. "Goodbye" he said.
"Goodbye," said the fox. "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."
"What is essential is invisible to the eye," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.
"It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important."
"It is the time I have wasted for my rose-- "said the little prince so he would be sure to remember.
"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed."

-The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupery

My rose? I miss him, and he's definitely tamed me.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Unexpected Places

I spent the morning out at my grandmothers today. Originally I had planned on not telling my grandmother about everything going on with Cael and I. Obviously I ended up telling her or I wouldn't be writing about it.

Surprisingly she actually helped mellow me out. She spent some time in the hospital for close to the same thing years ago. Just being able to talk about it and have her experience come back to me helped. Things I was bothered by she justified instantly without even knowing him which isn't something she does.

For the first time in a while I've actually mellowed. She just reaffirmed everything I thought and knew and made me even more certain than ever that I belong with him and should wait for him. Not that I ever doubted it, but it was good.

Saturday, October 22, 2011


Well, if you read my last post you know that yesterday was rough. Really fucking rough. It was the worst day I've had since Cael has been away.

I started out not bad in the morning, just a little touchy. By the time Sephi came home from work I was in full out fucking panic mode. I was shaky, I was getting cold and hot flashes, my stomach was upset to the point I was almost sick, and I was fighting tears back and losing. My head got going and I just dissolved. I became totally uncunted. She managed to calm me down a bit though. She shared with me something Cael had told her months ago about how he didn't want to be like B and worked to make sure I knew that. That right there? Helped a lot. Because in the end I think that is where most of this panic comes from. Sure having him gone is hard as fucking hell, but that pure terror that B planted in me is only making it worse. Especially since  they both kind of just went away. Some days that panic wells up and it feels the same. My logic always over rules me eventually because I KNOW Cael is not even close to the asshole that B was and would never do that to me sometimes that gets lost in the sea of panic. Sephi telling me that yesterday helped me find it again. It was terrifying. I have NEVER lost it this bad since he's been gone. This was the first time I really broke down and I think part of me needed that. I've been functioning on autopilot most of the time and maybe now that I've had the break down and had my logic over rules it it wont be as traumatic anymore. Hope is a sadistic bitch by the way :)

I seem to be doing better today. Not as manic. Since he's been gone I've been working a bit on my issues but I think I'm going to devote more attention to it. I'm not sure how exactly I plan to fix them but knowing they're there is a start. And I'll keep working them even when he comes out because they don't help either of us and they don't help us together. Lets face it, together is really the important thing here. It's what keeps me going. So, I'm off to do some cooking and some thinking. Which will of course be of him, no matter how hard I try not to it always circles back to him. Can't help it. I luff him to pieces :)

Friday, October 21, 2011

Slippery Slope

It's been weeks since he's been away and I haven't done too badly. I was messy but I held it together.

Today I totally broke down.

I'm off to bed.

Today? It sucks.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Save Your Ta-Tas Baby!

Well, I don't know if you've been living under a rock, in a cave or up in a tree with no power and refused to leave.

But ya know, in case you weren't aware I'll tell you.


It's breast cancer month.

No really, it is.

Breast cancer awareness if absolutely everywhere. There are grocery stores that have the iconic pink ribbons in the windows, or the flower shops with the ribbon on the flower paper. It doesn't matter where you go there are pink ribbons everywhere.

EdenFantasys is definitely doing it's part as well. This month they are hosting several articles about breast cancer on Eden Cafe. I myself submitted an article about early detection for the whole body not just for breast cancer. There have been several articles posted already that are heartfelt reminders to have yourself checked. They're also hosting a video contest which is now closed for entries but you can still go vote and have a say in who wins. They are giving away prizes for the top three videos.

EdenFantasys is taking a topic that is heartbreaking and painfully sad and making it fun for people to take part in. Which to me is a huge deal, if you make something a daunting task then nobody will want to do it. Make it fun and have people able to win prizes for promoting awareness? They are more likely to do it.

My family has been touched by cancer. Not breast cancer but still cancer and I know that the more awareness we have the more people know. The more they know the faster they may be able to catch the cancer before it spreads.

So once again, EdenFantasys is going above and beyond what a sex shop is.

On another topic? I currently have a whole box of bath products on its way to me. I promise to take pictures comparing the bath salts. I already love the kama sutra but I've never tried the shunga. There is also a bottle of bubble bath coming. I'm going to smell awesome!

EdenFantasys supports Breast cancer Awareness - Show your Ta-Tas Some Love

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Bound To Please?

It's Goodvibes time again!

Recently they sent me the Neoprene Restraints by Bound To Please. They are a multipurpose cuff made obviously of neoprene.

First we'll get the specs out of the way shall we? According to the product page these bondage restraints are 10” around,  and 1 ¾” wide. These are large cuffs. For use on wrists I do not see anybody that these could be too small for. You MAY (and that is a huge unlikely "may") have space between each edge of neoprene if you are a bigger person. To be honest though, I'm not tiny or small boned and these things wrap around my wrist and overlap quite a bit. For ankles, again you may have some space between neoprene edges but they should fit anybody comfortably.

Not long ago I purchased a wrist cuff set made by a leather company where I'm from. I love those cuffs. So these neoprene cuffs, to be honest I didn't expect to like them. I mean come on! I have leather cuffs with gorgeous D rings in them. How can anybody improve that?!

Well let me tell you, these are now my official ankle cuffs at night and wrist cuffs during the day when I'm cooking. Why? They are SO comfortable. They're soft and smooth and vaguely plushy so they are perfect for sleeping in. They're just right for being a constant reminded without bruising around my ankle bones like the metal ankle cuffs can do. They're neoprene...for those that don't know, that is what wet suits are made out of. At least the ones I've seen. It is waterproof. So if you like bath or water play you're covered! If you just wear them around the house, water splashing while you cook or clean, or if you wear them out when it rains you wont have any problems. 

The clips on these cuffs are a "claw" clip which is really cool, they're a lot hard to wreck than some of the other clips. I have pretty thoroughly tested these things. I yanked as hard as I could on the clip to see if it'll rip out, I've pulled on each end of the cuff, I've even clipped them together and tried to jerk them apart. I haven't been able to break them.

The only issue I've had with these cuffs is when I wear them on my ankles and walk around. The clip jingles, which if you're trying to be will fail. You can however cut it out if you don't intend to use them for bondage, or you can tape them down. If you just play in the bedroom and don't wear them outside of it, you're good to go!

Secret sub tip? If your dom clips them together or to something else you can twist enough you can reach the clip and unclip yourself and run. Not that any of you would do that right? :P 

These are great for people new to BDSM or just wanting to experiment. They're easy to get out of and light weight. They aren't intimidating. I'm not new but I still love these cuffs. Thanks to goodvibes for the opportunity to review them!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Cla(m)p On! Cla(m)p Off!

Goodvibes being the wonderful company that they are sent me a set of nipple clamps.

You will understand the love/hate relationship with this particular toy if you've ever had a set of clamps. The site states they are " 2” long by 1” wide (5cm x 2.5cm) when fully closed; chain is 18” long (45.7cm)" They're a fair size, I don't see them not being able to accommodate anybody.

The "prongs" on this nipple clamp set are... well they're evil. They are coated in the typical rubber type material. However, they aren't just slid over the tips they are actually "painted" on so they don't come off. Which is a HUGE plus. I am forever losing the little black pieces from my previous set of clamps, that will never happen with these. Now for the evil parts, in order to take these off? You have to squeeze them tighter. Also? they're hooked. They don't just come to a point or edge like tweezer clamps. They come to an end and then turn in to provide a flat piece to grip the skin better I assume. Thing is, the edges of these dig in a bit. Which in the long run isn't a big deal. If you've worn clamps before you know that for extended wear they dig in anyways, these just start early. So, for extended wear you would have to keep adjusting them or be prepared that these ones will hurt more than average when you take them off.

For me, this isn't a huge thing. I get a more intense sensation faster. The more pressure I feel on my nipples the faster I reach orgasm so this for me is a plus. Faster climax = more climaxes. The longest I've been able to wear these was around 50 minutes and they HURT when they came off, but it was a good hurt that I felt for a while afterwards :)

Once again, another awesome product. I am really starting to love goodvibes!

Friday, October 7, 2011


I woke up early this morning in a panic. I had a dream that Cael came back and decided he was leaving me. I literally woke up in a panic crying. That fear is holding on today, I can't seem to shake it. I'm attributing it to my period.

I can't wait for him to come back and for me to move.

Even more so now.

Especially since I got a letter today saying I'm being pulled off my parents insurance and benefits.. I've been expecting it for a while. I've been looking for a job for months. Problem is it needs to be full time so I get the benefits or it fucks me and end up actually costing me money to work. Now? It sounds like I'm totally fucked either way. Cael and I have talked about putting me on his benefit plan when I move..which means more to me than almost anything he could have done..I've worried about this since I was 16.

Today, has just sucked. I want my master back.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Happy Happy Joy Joy

I am baking. I am baking buns, and bread for stuffing and pies... and a lasagna but the lasagna is for tonight. I am essentially still keeping myself busy.

Plus side?

1. I got to beat up dough.
2. I'm finally getting this baking thing right.
3. I got myself a new stock pot.
4. I got myself a new roaster.

I'm doing all of this to keep my mind busy but you know what? Everything I make I think "He'd like this!" or "I'll have to save this recipe to make for master"  You think I'd know by now that he is just ever present for me. Wouldn't have it any other way though :)

Saturday, October 1, 2011


I know I owe a post today, but I just don't feel like it. I spent all day trying to keep myself busy so I couldn't stop and get in my head but it didn't work. I thought about him the whole time I was baking, when I made supper, when I cleaned, when I bathed and now.

Gods I miss him.

I'm off to go have a little cry and read.

Ugly Bugly Curl & Tug

What? When you're in a fragile state you can get away with saying those kinds of things!

I have an odd topic, very odd.

I want to talk to you about ugly things. Physically ugly things, that is.

You see, I recently purchased a new vibrator from EdenFantasys. If you've been to their site you know that it is set up in a sleek, modern and eye catching way. The colors, pink and green, compliment each other yet aren't overbearing. It is a very pretty site.

The toys on the site itself are quite pretty as well. There are glass toys with flowers set in the heads/bases, or swirls and colors done so well that you could leave the toy sitting out and nobody would think much of it. There are even ones that look like octopus tentacles. There are beautifully colored and designed silicone dildos, and some gorgeous vibrators made out of many different materials.

So what's my point in tell you all of this? Well, I got an ugly vibrator the other day. It's red and clear rubber type material. The clarity of it isn't that good though. It's just not a pretty toy. But ya know what? It's awesome. So often people are pulled in by the pretty toys, looking more at the way the toy is shaped..if it's odd somehow thus making it cool, or if it's colored differently. This toy though? It doesn't rely on it beauty to draw you in. It's just a damn good vibrator! The vibrations are deep and fulfilling without being buzzy or irrating and IT'S RECHARGEABLE!!

Plus right now EdenFantasys is having a huge sale, 20% off women's toys. Go check it out!

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Oh Purolater

I was hoping... REALLY hoping that I'd have my new vibrator today. Not that my collection is small by any means... at last count I had 10 vibrators of varying sizes and function.. some better than others. Along with silicone and glass dildos and the odd clit toy.  But..orgasms still elude me lately. And really, to be honest there are several toys that I'm thoroughly unimpressed with and I was looking forward to having a new toy that I could love on. Oh well, hopefully tomorrow!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

I Just Don't Know

I'm writing about this once. one time and that's all because I'm not sure I can handle writing it again.

As you all know Cael has been taking time to himself. The last year has been one huge horrible thing after another, some I've shared but most of it I haven't because it's private either between him and I or for him and I wouldn't and will not share those things. However, Cael has decided for various reasons that I agree with to check out for a while. He's checked himself into a hospital where he'll stay until he's doing better and able to be himself and function well again.  The only reason I'm sharing this is because I'm not sure how much I'm going to feel like writing. It may be sporadic until he returns.

And to answer the question I know I'm going to get :

No, we are not broken up. He's just taking time away to get himself together. I was his yesterday when he told me. Today when he's gone, and I will be his when he returns. All he said was that he can't claim me as his when he isn't even his right now, but I remain his and with him. I will not be leaving him even though he gave me the option of it. I'm staying and I'll support his decision to take time away. Yes, it will be hard. Some days it'll be really, really hard but he is worth and we are worth it. It's scary, but I'm trusting him and everything I know of him and what he's told me in the past. 

I've had people tell me to walk away... but I don't want to, ever. In an email kitten sent me.. she really solidified my thinking with the way I am with him. She gets it because she has the same connection with her master... it's strong and it's deep and it's consuming. But it's amazing and it's something I wouldn't trade for the world and I don't care what anybody else says. I've had people tell me to leave because he's gone right now... you don't walk away from the person you love (I'm not using luff there!) when things get hard and complicated for them. That's not love, love doesn't dissolve because of bad things, it's what pulls you through to the other side together. 

I'm not going to lie, when he told me I was a hot fucking mess and I have no doubt that I'll have days where I will be again. It's natural, especially since neither one of us is sure how long he'll be gone..which is part of why he gave me the out.. but I don't want it.

I'm his and I am staying that way, it's what I want more than anything else.

But this is hard, and I'm not sure how much I'm going to want to write.. it could be a lot or very little. I didn't want to just up and disappear though. I'm still here, still around. Still his.

Sunday, September 25, 2011


How to tell I'm spiraling down a bit? I no longer use pet names for Cael. I get upset and it's either his real name or master.  It's been a few days since I've heard from him and it's hard. I totally understand what he's going through and that he needs space and this isn't something he's doing intentionally but gods I miss him :'( I understand that because of personal issues the way he reacts sometimes isn't really in his control, and I'm learning and processing it and have accepted it. I miss him though, and it's hard being without him like this, he's mine. And so, I leave him alone the best I can, asking him to claim me when I start to spiral because it levels me..comforts me.  I become totally uncunted when he's away. Not only that but my cunt revolts and disowns me -.- 

Then Again,

Maybe not.

I was going to make another post today since the last one wasn't really a post.. more a run down of what was happening in my head. But, I'm having an up and down day. I go between being happy and smiley and all content and feeling owned even though he's away right now and tearing up with a "god I miss him!" feeling. I be fucked.

Fluff & Stuff or Up Yours!

Dear Body,

I know you, I know you very well. I realize that I am upset and missing Cael and that it affects the way you respond. However, it has been several weeks since you've given me an orgasm and not for lack of trying. I've spent over an hour sometimes trying and nothing. Not even a glimmer of it. Normally it's under 20 minutes ... now I'm over an hour and nothing happens. I know its an emotional and physical response to missing him and not having him around but I'd REALLY like an orgasm.

Yours forever,


Dear Serene,

Suck it the fuck up. It ain't happening. I don't know if YOU have noticed but uhm.. we don't orgasm if Cael isn't around. Hell, even when he is if you aren't thinking about him it takes longer. Really though, remember when he was mad and disappointed with us? Do you remember how we didn't orgasm for months until he made us? Haven't you noticed that? Come on now, it's only logical that it wouldn't happen when we miss him so. So, keep trying, 2 or 3 hour masturbation sessions if you really want to. You aren't getting anything.  The issue here? I am no longer yours. Sure you feed me and have control of how I move but I am no longer your body. I belong elsewhere and until he comes back and evens us back out I downright refuse to orgasm.

Up yours,

His forever,

Your body.

Friday, September 23, 2011


As I cannot post this post here because I submitted it to Eden Cafe I'm posting the link. I really hope you go read it and tell me that I'm not as crazy as I think I am. :)

Thursday, September 22, 2011


Well, I could sit here and type a post about the new cuffs, or the toys I have coming for review. I could talk about how Cael is still needing space to get back to himself and how I miss him so much I actually physically ache some moments. I could do a post on how much I luff that man and how much I value him. I could do a post on the things I talked about with Sephi's master the other night. Or, I could write a post about all the negative comments I've gotten from people lately that's made me  see a lot more than I did before, and despite some of their best efforts has not changed my opinion on how I function, live my life with Cael, and Cael in general but you can bet your ass it changed my opinion of them irreversibly. Instant way to piss me off? Attack me, my relationship or my owner -.-  Some of them hadn't seen me angry, they now have. Others I just listened and dismissed.

I could write about a lot of things. But you know what? I don't need to upset myself. I am happy and content and loved and valued with Cael. He is where I belong, and who I belong with and people striking out in jealousy and ignorance is not going to affect that.

So, instead of delving into my head I am going to go take a nice bath, write my nightly email to Cael, perhaps reply to Kitten, and go to bed because in the end the others aren't worth it. He is who I "luff" (gods do I hate that word!) and who I want to be with, he makes me feel safe... they make me feel nothing but irritation at their ignorance. And that? Only comes because at one point they WERE my friends.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Pleasure Ripples

A while ago Good vibes was kind enough to send me a dildo to review. I can honestly say that I was VERY thorough with this review. I spent more time reviewing this product than I have with any other I've been sent. Why? Well, because this is definitely worth it.

When I opened the shipping box I was greeted with a very large blister package containing the Rippler. It was intimidating, and I don't mean the packaging. The dildo is 7 ¼ inches long, 1 5/8 inches - 1 7/8 inches in diameter. Essentially? It's fucking huge! I can barely wrap my hand around the base of this toy. The "ripples" carry all the way around the toy and while they look rather blunt in the picture they aren't at all. They're rounded and actually flow fairly naturally with the toy.

The ridges do not make it hard to enjoy the toy. I've owned other toys with the spiraling around the shaft and I've always found it more distracting than anything else. I think because the toy is such a large size to begin with that you feel more size than anything else. The ridges are felt, but they aren't drastic and irritating. I actually love this dildo. In the month or so that I've had it it has gotten a lot of use. Even with the use and the cleaning the toy is holding up really well, and I haven't noticed any issues with it yet. Another great point? It's silicone and comes in 3 colours... I have the green. It's gorgeous.

Now that I've told you about the toy I'll tell you about its use. Thing with this sex toy is it is large... it needs warm up. For me, if there is no warm up I don't stretch or hurt upon insertion. It just will not insert. I'll get maybe an inch in and my body laughs and clamps down not letting it in further. If I play a bit and warm up to it I can take about half of the toy in comfortably. To take the whole thing? I need to be at least 3 orgasms in and be very well lubricated naturally or otherwise. So, this toy is most definitely not a beginners toy. But you know what? I love its size. It seems to be the width of this toy that gives me the orgasms. So, if you like that stretching, amazingly warm and delicious full feeling? GO GET THIS TOY.

Oh... I did find a down side to this toy. ... it doesn't fit in anything. Not one single toy bag I have found will fit this thing. So, for now? It's sitting on a shelf in my closet with my coffee mugs. What? That's normal :) It's a pretty colour it fits right in a huge ass tree among shrubs !

Monday, September 19, 2011

"You can wait forever for perfect conditions or you can make the best of what you have now"

I didn't hear from Cael this weekend which sucks, but I'm doing okay. I finally realized part of why him being quiet bothers me so much. He's home. When he's quiet as far as I'm concerned he's gone. All we have is words right now, I can't just go curl up in his bed, or look over at him when he's being quiet and needing space. He's absent in every way right now when he goes silent. So, I miss him, and I miss that feeling of home... of being comfortable that he gives me. And ya know... I'm kind of attached to him, almost two weeks of not being able to talk is enough to really make me miss him.

Though I have to say that the time apart has taught me some things. 1. He's not going anywhere. I'm not saying I'm not going to worry now and then but I've learned that just because things are hectic in his life doesn't mean he's going to ditch me. I've never really known anything else so I've come to just expect it. Several times now he's had things going on and hasn't gone anywhere. Yet another reason that I luff him and appreciate him more than he'll ever know. .. on top of all the other reasons. 2. He's tied into my self esteem, and largely tied into my emotions. 3. I'm owned. I've been looking for a job for months now. I need a full time job with good benefits or there is no point in me taking it. With my medications once I'm taken off the benefit plan I'm on..which I will be if I take a job could actually end up COSTING me money to work if I only have a part time job right now depending on the pay. I found one that I may have been able to swing a few days ago. I read up on it, the pay was good, it was part time but I might have been okay. I couldn't apply for it. I froze. All I could think was "I have to talk to Cael" and totally dismissed the idea until I could. It didn't even phase me that  I thought that way. It was just normal.

And now? I'm off to find something to do.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Oh Happy Day

As you all know I ordered a set of cuffs off of EdenFantasys. Specifically they are the Jaguar Cuffs by Aslan Leather... which is a Canadian company and kind of cool. I am in love with these cuffs. They are real leather, have a silver D ring and seem to be really well made. I wore them to bed last night (as I bought them for) and just doing that has helped them get more comfortable. They come connected to each other, loose in the shipping box so they're fairly stiff when you first get them. I'm wearing them fairly loose because right now my wrists seem to be an in-between size according to the fastener placement. I'm hoping that as I lose weight I'll lose enough that I can tighten them up properly. Right now they spin a bit on my wrists because the next fastening hole it too tight. Which means that they sit however they want on my wrists and as such aren't molding to my wrist with the D ring in the front. Not a huge deal but when you get all OCD about things it can be irritating. In general those, these are great. All of the issues I have are fixable so, thus far I'm very happy with them.

I got a few other things in this order. My bath salts, the Kama Sutra ones that I have been raving about forever, which by the way come in a much bigger container than I was expecting. That was a pleasant surprise. The Story Of O, which I have just started reading. It seems like a good story, but the writing is fairly choppy. However, everybody I've talked to that have read it said it's a good book and everybody should read it at least once, so I am. And, officially my favorite glass dildo ever. The Royal Duet by SSA glass. It's a double ended dildo AND it's the first toy that I've gotten that is long enough to bump my cervix. Most women find it to be painful, I happen to quite like it. I get an entirely different orgasm from it so for me, this is a huge plus. All in all an awesome order!

Oh! Did I mention that my order showed up a whole THREE days early? No? Well it did. Yet another reason that I love EdenFantasys.

And as a side note, the Kink Club is back up and running! Rayne from Insatiable Desire has taken it over and it meets on the 29th, LunaKM will be guest hosting. I expect to see some of you there! I definitely will be.

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store

Friday, September 16, 2011

Day Of Awesome!

So, Cael is still taking time away. He did however answer me on facebook last night just letting me know that he was okay, his phone was dead and he was in the middle of moving but he's not in a good place to talk yet and he'll text me sometime this weekend. That right there? Mellowed me the fuck out, and believe me I needed it. I was in a huge downward spiral to the point my dog looked me in the eye and I started bawling. Yes. Seriously. But, I'm going to move on now because I'm okay.. we're okay... and to honest, dwelling on missing him doesn't help and he really doesn't need to come back read all the angst. He knows how I am when he isn't around, and that's probably the only reason he answered last night. He knew I was getting to the point of unraveling and he knew one little two sentence message is all it would take for me to be okay. I don't think he really knows how much I appreciate that he does that even when he's upset and taking time. I'm used to people just letting me spin and cycle down until I unravel and fall apart in a bawling hyperventilating mess. Although it does seem to be more intense with him. Devotion... I has it.

In other news MY CUFFS SHOWED UP TODAY!!!!!!! 3 days early! They are gorgeous. I love them. My only issue is for sleeping the edges/seams seem to bother me but that could just be a matter of getting used to them and wearing them in. I'm also wearing them a bit loose so that could attribute to it as well. My wrists are apparently an in between size with the hook holes, but as I lose weight I should be able to tighten them up. Right now I have them loosened off even more just for typing.. more comfortable. I got them to wear to bed when I'm having a bad day and Cael isn't able to talk or comfort or just be around. They're like a pseudo collar in that respect. I'm finding though... that I want to wear them all the time. ...I'm wearing them now. I love looking down at my wrists and getting that happy feeling. Might have to look into more discreet options once I move that I can wear all the time, in or out of the apartment. (Why yes, I AM excited to move!! I want to do it now!)

I also got my bath salts in the order. Oh I'm excited. I'm silently cursing the evil red scourge. I want a bath damn it and I feel wrong doing it when I'm bleeding. Yes I am odd. I've also started reading The Story Of O. It's okay so far, I'm not that far in. I do not however care of the way the book is written, but that could be translation, or it could just be the authors style. Either way I'm not too keen on it. It's very choppy, no flow. I like the flow. I even got a glass toy. I can't wait to try it out, I suspect it'll be my favorite. It looks like it's long enough to hit my cervix, I  LOVE having my cervix bumped.

I can't wait to have my bath with my salts and watch a Disney movie, talk with Cael and go to bed. Any day now! It's hope, it's eternal :D

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

*looks around*

Well, Caels taking some space right now. He's had a lot going on the last little bit, and will be moving soon and ... it's just been a rough week or so. I miss him. I've learned quite emphatically that I do need him, and not having him around lately has just sucked. So, hopefully we'll be getting back to normal soon. Lets face it..without him around I don't have a lot to say content wise.

I went shopping today. Found a new shirt I quite like, low cut.. I feel like I'm being strangled when I wear regular shirts anymore. On that note, I don't know if I mentioned it before and I don't want to go check but I have a cousin that's going to give me a corset. I have a happeh about it. I don't know if it's boned or if it's just fabric but either way..for free...I'll be happy.

Tomorrow morning I have a doctors appointment. My allergies are kicking my ass lately, even the pills don't help anymore so I'm going to go in and see about the allergy shot. One of my friends was raving about it on facebook to me so, I thought I'd try it. Hopefully it eliminates this whole constantly plugged up thing. It's so bad some days it trips my gag reflex, it is not pleasant. 

Other than that not a lot is going on. I'm waiting rather impatiently for my cuffs to arrive. I also have a tub of bath salts coming, and The Story Of O book in the order. Edens having a sale right now and every few days I go peruse the toys and every time I find a rechargeable vibe I want and get the money and go to put in my order... it's gone. It's happened twice now. On a non-sex related front I had some old friends pop up recently that want to hang out again. I'm kind of excited. It's been soo long since I've had friends I can actually just go hang out with and not have to worry about what I say (found out one was on fet, I don't have to hide *does dance of yay*) or do. Most of my friends have just gotten really busy or in two cases gotten boyfriends/girlfriends and have totally forgotten they have friends. That bugs me. I don't care if they bring them along to hang out but don't just disappear! 

And, on that note I am going to disappear to the bathroom for a long bath in an effort to distract myself from the hollowy feeling of no masterman lately. The suck I say.

Monday, September 12, 2011


Well, Good vibes being the awesome company that they are allowed me to review the Pirates Pendant Vibrator, apparently it is affiliated with a porn, that I have not seen.  It's pretty though!

I'm not going to lie, this will be a very short review.

I chose this toy because Cael enjoys playing in public so a little toy that I can wear around my neck and tuck in my shirt would be perfect. Truthfully, it still is.

According to the site the mini vibrator has 5 Vibration settings. Which, for the size of the toy and the price is absolutely awesome. My issue though? I used the toy once and it had all the patterns. I went to use it again and.... no patterns. The vibrator still turns on  and has three power settings but no patterns. Personally this is not a big deal to me, patterns aren't that much of a pull for me. I prefer the steady vibration. The vibration itself isn't buzzy and irritating, but neither is it the deep vibration that I tend to prefer. So for me, this toy is exactly what I intended to use it as. Something discreet that can be used for public play. It does take watch batteries, but they can be picked up in dollar stores, so don't let that put you off if you're interested in this toy. It reminds me of the many clit toys you can buy which is great if you haven't tried any before because this would work nicely as an introduction toy.

Thanks to Good vibes for letting me get my pirate on(and aiding Caels obsession with them.)

Saturday, September 10, 2011


Well, I have a post due, but....

I haven't talked to Cael in a few days. He's been busy and dealing with a lot. I miss him a lot. So since it's been several days I'm hitting that spot where I get angsty and uncomfortable and emotionally fragile which happens every time he's busy for an extended time. It just seems to be my natural response to not having him around. I did however order some cuffs to sleep in, in hopes that it calms me down and lets me sleep better when he's busy and quiet. I've also lately really been missing my rules, I think I'm just missing him in general and its amplified everything else. And yet... I absolutely luff that man to pieces and he's worth every fucking second of it, and can make me smile just by talking to me.

*shakes head*




Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Oh, Oh, Oh.

Alright. I missed a post. But I have a really good excuse!

Sunday was the night from hell! But, I'll start from the beginning.

This weekend being a long weekend there was a camp out at my families farm. These are usually a lot of fun, and Saturday it was. I got to spend time with Lady Di and my uncle, along with several other people that I quite like. I even got to spend some time with the guy I blogged about last summer that I drooled over. After having spent some time with him since then that crush has totally dissolved but he's still a pretty good guy with a pretty cool submissive side that I'm not sure he knows he has. He knows he likes rough sex, but watching the way he fusses and takes care of his gf reminds me of the way I fuss over Cael. It's kind of cool to see it from this side, and not being the submissive one. His gf is from another country so some of the fussing is just so she doesn't get into something she can't get out of. But still cool, even if he can pick me up and carry me around. The guy is huge... almost 7 feet tall.

So that night was fun.

Then Sunday I went back down after supper (an awesome quiche btw.) and my uncles friend was down there. We'll call him FW for fuckwad. This is the same guy that corned and groped me at my uncles wedding. Not only was he trying to do that again, but because of my impeccable hearing I heard him asking another guy "What's the fat chicks name?" in reference to me. Yeah. Did. Not. Go. Well. When I was finished tearing him apart, my father got a turn. Then the next day when my uncle and Lady Di found out they resolved to deal with it, which means Lady Di would be on the phone to FW's wife. Last time this happened she was mad for weeks, this time she was already mad to the point she packed up and left him down at the farm. Adding this new bullshit on to it would have made it worse. Needless to say I watched for him in the ditches yesterday when I went into town, I was sure he'd be in one of them :)   Aside from that I talked to Cael about it and he was his smile inducing protective self, and when my uncle told a few of the guys down there what happened I learned that I am pretty damn protected which is nice, but I did handle it myself. After I tore him apart he came up to me trying to apologize and I told him that until he grew some balls and could work up to talking to me when he was sober (because he doesn't, he has to be drunk or he wont talk to me. One of the girls down there things I intimidate him. I am pleased.) we'd talk and I MAY accept his apology. Which I wont, but I have quite a bit to say to him at this point. He let me stew too long, he still hasn't worked up the guts to apologize for what he did at my uncles wedding..over a year ago.

So, yes. That is why I didn't post. I got home and I just passed out.

Other than that not a lot has happened. Last night cael and I were doing our usual teasing/playing around. I make snarky comments, he flexes his control, I try to wait it out and win but always give in and come crawling back admitting his dominance and possession of me. I smile like an idiot when  it happens. I love feeling his control, I love when he lets me play and reels me back in just by being silent and knowing I can't stay away. It makes me happy, makes the feeling of luff and submission well up until I smile and want to curl up at his feet. It's almost like being a submissive wolf to his alpha. He lets me play and nip at him but when he stops playing back I saunter off waiting for him to come attack and pull me back into line. But he doesn't. He knows he doesn't have to, because I can play and bite and paw at him all I want, we both know the hierarchy, we both know that no matter what he lets me do and get away with he is alpha. I'll be the one to come back because I can't stand not being around him and I'll lay at his feet and roll over giving my throat and stomach, knowing he wont tear me apart, he'll smirk and lick my cheek and saunter away knowing that I'll follow him. Because I will, I will follow him whether I have spoken and written rules or not. It winds me tighter and tighter, binding me closer to him. It's a good feeling.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Pick Me Up

If you’ve been reading here long you’ll know a few things. First, I write about Edenfantasys. Second, I am a very happily owned submissive. Third, I am currently trying to lose weight.

Today, all of these things are linked. While doing one of my “I’m bored so I’ll go play on EF” stints, I found some stuff. More accurately I found a waist cincher/underbust corset. I plan to get it as a goal. I’m buying a size I know will not fit and I will until I can fit into it. It’s a physical reminder everyday of why I’m trying to lose weight. Plus! I love underbust corsets and plan on having several once I lose weight. So this? Has just made it a bigger plus.

I was also talking a few people the other day that either sleep in cuffs, or plan to. I got all excited about the idea. It would be yet another physical reminder, this time of Cael and my place with him. I think it will help mellow me out at night and maybe be able to sleep better. I am actually very excited to be able to do this. Even if I only wear them here and he has no use for them when I move, they will have more than served their purpose.

So, those are two items that will be in my next order, along with treasure of the sea bath salts. (FINALLY!!!) I cannot wait for this order to come in. This will definitely be one of those boxes that I’m standing at the door doing happy wiggles as the delivery guy walks up the drive. But that’s okay. It’s worth it! And I know the guy so he’s just not surprised by me anymore, though he has become one of my favorite people lately. He brings me fun things.  :)

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Infinite Exhaustion

I am exhausted. I wrote a post for Eden Cafe earlier and it seems to have taken most of my energy. It's about a recent fantasy that I've had and just how unsure and fucked up I really am :) I'll make sure to post a link when it goes up.

Other than that I did some cleaning and running around in town. I got myself a new bra $60
 on for $10. I found some boots on sale the other day that I'm lusting at. Cael decided he needed to approve them before/if I get a pair. So, I sent him the links to look at. They go up to my knee and I really want a pair, whether it not or months from now. I did however learn from this experience. I have learned that Cael is slowly taking over my wardrobe. I don't buy bras anymore unless they're black or red. I'm sticking to the panties I find comfortable for now only because I don't want to get expensive stuff and lose weight and have it no longer fit me anymore. But those will go to the black and red variety unless I find something else that I really like and think he will as well. Most of my clothes are black but that's always been true. I've always liked corsets and cinchers and such but since he's been around I've started lusting at them a lot more. Right now, I still have clothing freedom because we both know that anything I wear right now wont be sticking around, but he still approves some pieces. When I move? Every. Single. Piece. Of. Clothing. Will be Cael approved. Especially since I don't drive.. he'd be taking me shopping. Lets face it though, he would be anyways. I like that he has that influence and control. And for days after I learned this I felt all warm and fuzzy. It's a happy feeling, and I've missed it. I haven't had rules to enforce that happy feeling and I kind of blocked that feeling out until the other night. I've been happy for days. :)

Yesterday I made an apple compote and canned it for my oatmeal... I'm excited for oatmeal weather now. I also made a seafood soup, which my father deemed "Too fishy" .... Seriously? SEAFOOD soup. *shakes head*

Right now, all I can think of is having a bath and going to bed, so I am going to go make supper and make that happen.

Monday, August 29, 2011

*Dusts Off Keyboard*

*peers out cautiously*


So, I've missed a few posts. Three I believe. That dark mood and headspace that was hanging over me for days finally took a strong hold. Cael was really sick for a while and we didn't talk and I worried. Then we fought. Then some personal issues took hold of him. Then he was burnt out for a while and just disconnected. I slowly sunk deeper and deeper into the black hole until I couldn't really see where I was anymore. I was lost, I didn't know what my place was in the relationship or in general. I felt really insecure and just distant and disconnected. I floated between being entirely shut down and just hurting. I had pretty much checked out of everything.

Then yesterday Cael was busy and we didn't talk until late last night. Normally that would have driven me up the wall when I get in these moods because all reason just dissolves. But I was fine. I missed him because I've missed talking to him for the last little while in general, but I didn't get upset or get sucked into the blackness and doubt in my head. So, I seem to be pulling out of that horrible mood. It started with pms and a horrible dream about Cael dieing and then I couldn't get in contact with him for a few days because he was so sick. Then we fought... and that is what really fucked me I think. I cannot fight with that man. I just can't. Not unless I end up pissed off. If I end up scared or worried or any other emotion besides mad I can't fight with him because it screws with my head. He's too ingrained in me to do that. In all fairness, the fight wouldn't have happened if I had not asked if we could talk. He was still sick but I had to ask then or I would have chickened out, we could have waited and I would have if he had to but he said we'd talk and didn't sound happy about it. So I told him we could wait and he seemed to be more agitated so I said okay not wanting to make him mad... which just led to a fight because he was sick and dehydrated and I was pmsing and over sensitive and neither of us was getting across what we wanted. Then there was a large explosion and we didn't talk for the rest of the day. ... and I was terrified because with him being sick it ended in me not knowing if I was still owned or not. So Sephi and I talked and she talked to Cael and we just left it for a while. Eventually I understood part of what he was saying but that fight still messed me up. From there I just slowly slid down but I seem to be doing better. Thank gods.

I've been contemplating going and having acupuncture done. From talking to the girl most of what she'd focus on was my metabolism because in general I don't eat junk, and I rarely over eat. I only do when I'm in a mood, so if anything maybe a little bit of binging. Cael approved it, it's just up to me. For some reason these tiny little needles are intimidating me. I have several piercings, at one point I even had one in my chest. I've had a dull tapering rod shoved through my lip to re-pierce it and I was fine, but these tiny little nothing needles are psyching me out. 

I've been trying really hard to get exercising again, but I always talk myself out of it. I'm really noticing how much I need Caels rules to actually function sometimes. I miss them. A lot.

I've been lusting at a lot of corsets and clothing lately. Right now, at this weight I basically wear what fits and doesn't make my lip curl up in disgust. There is a HUGE difference between what I'd like to be wearing and what I am right now. Part of it is money.. it costs more for larger sized items, the other part is just not liking they way things would fit me right now. I love corsets... hate my arms... you see the problem? I've been looking at underbust corsets and I want one or two of those so I can wear shirts and such under them but again, I wouldn't get it until I lose some more weight. I did however hit a new low number last week. I gained about 2 or 3 back but I always do. It's still the lowest I've weighed yet.

I'm getting excited to be smaller and happier and more confident. AND TO MOVE. Gods I want to go. Ever since he became home to me I've wanted to move about 3x more than I did before. It's hard being homesick. *sage nod* And, sadly enough I'm excited to go up there and clean and make his lunches and just... be with him.

And now, I think I've gotten everything out that I had bubbling just below the surface, so for now, this is it. But I WILL be back to posting regularly. Damn ugly moods.