Monday, August 29, 2011

*Dusts Off Keyboard*

*peers out cautiously*


So, I've missed a few posts. Three I believe. That dark mood and headspace that was hanging over me for days finally took a strong hold. Cael was really sick for a while and we didn't talk and I worried. Then we fought. Then some personal issues took hold of him. Then he was burnt out for a while and just disconnected. I slowly sunk deeper and deeper into the black hole until I couldn't really see where I was anymore. I was lost, I didn't know what my place was in the relationship or in general. I felt really insecure and just distant and disconnected. I floated between being entirely shut down and just hurting. I had pretty much checked out of everything.

Then yesterday Cael was busy and we didn't talk until late last night. Normally that would have driven me up the wall when I get in these moods because all reason just dissolves. But I was fine. I missed him because I've missed talking to him for the last little while in general, but I didn't get upset or get sucked into the blackness and doubt in my head. So, I seem to be pulling out of that horrible mood. It started with pms and a horrible dream about Cael dieing and then I couldn't get in contact with him for a few days because he was so sick. Then we fought... and that is what really fucked me I think. I cannot fight with that man. I just can't. Not unless I end up pissed off. If I end up scared or worried or any other emotion besides mad I can't fight with him because it screws with my head. He's too ingrained in me to do that. In all fairness, the fight wouldn't have happened if I had not asked if we could talk. He was still sick but I had to ask then or I would have chickened out, we could have waited and I would have if he had to but he said we'd talk and didn't sound happy about it. So I told him we could wait and he seemed to be more agitated so I said okay not wanting to make him mad... which just led to a fight because he was sick and dehydrated and I was pmsing and over sensitive and neither of us was getting across what we wanted. Then there was a large explosion and we didn't talk for the rest of the day. ... and I was terrified because with him being sick it ended in me not knowing if I was still owned or not. So Sephi and I talked and she talked to Cael and we just left it for a while. Eventually I understood part of what he was saying but that fight still messed me up. From there I just slowly slid down but I seem to be doing better. Thank gods.

I've been contemplating going and having acupuncture done. From talking to the girl most of what she'd focus on was my metabolism because in general I don't eat junk, and I rarely over eat. I only do when I'm in a mood, so if anything maybe a little bit of binging. Cael approved it, it's just up to me. For some reason these tiny little needles are intimidating me. I have several piercings, at one point I even had one in my chest. I've had a dull tapering rod shoved through my lip to re-pierce it and I was fine, but these tiny little nothing needles are psyching me out. 

I've been trying really hard to get exercising again, but I always talk myself out of it. I'm really noticing how much I need Caels rules to actually function sometimes. I miss them. A lot.

I've been lusting at a lot of corsets and clothing lately. Right now, at this weight I basically wear what fits and doesn't make my lip curl up in disgust. There is a HUGE difference between what I'd like to be wearing and what I am right now. Part of it is money.. it costs more for larger sized items, the other part is just not liking they way things would fit me right now. I love corsets... hate my arms... you see the problem? I've been looking at underbust corsets and I want one or two of those so I can wear shirts and such under them but again, I wouldn't get it until I lose some more weight. I did however hit a new low number last week. I gained about 2 or 3 back but I always do. It's still the lowest I've weighed yet.

I'm getting excited to be smaller and happier and more confident. AND TO MOVE. Gods I want to go. Ever since he became home to me I've wanted to move about 3x more than I did before. It's hard being homesick. *sage nod* And, sadly enough I'm excited to go up there and clean and make his lunches and just... be with him.

And now, I think I've gotten everything out that I had bubbling just below the surface, so for now, this is it. But I WILL be back to posting regularly. Damn ugly moods.

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