Thursday, August 11, 2011

Dark Days

I woke up with my head in a dark space today. Doubts pushing at me, trying to drag me down and I finally realized why. Not only am I all hormonal so little things are bugging me more but I had a horrible dream last night. I don't remember a lot of it but I was mad at Cael because he was living with a girl.. and then my alarm went off. Apparently that dream's hanging on.

There has been quite a few things going on with Cael and I that I haven't mentioned because I'm still trying to process them. Some of them I'm not a huge fan of, others are good things but terrifying right now.

First, Cael is saving up and moving to a new place. Which means he's going to be able to afford to come visit, and after a few months of going back and forth I'm moving. Which is scary all on its on. Add on having to meet his family, having to get everything I need to move and getting everything sorted out and it's intimidating.

Second, Cael hasn't told anybody we're together. Some of them know I exist...others don't but none of them know we're more than just friends. And that bugs me. I understand why he hasn't told anybody. They wouldn't approve of it right now and it would just make things harder on us but it still bugs me. Everybody I know, knows about him and knows I plan on moving soon. They don't all approve, but they got told it was too bad when they started. But, I get it. I just don't have to like it :)  That may actually feed into me getting jealous over things sometimes.. one of many things that feed into it. I'm really hoping once I'm there that goes away. I don't see it sticking around long.

Third consisted of a melt down along with a realization. I was at a family dinner and a combination of things happened. There was family there that I am just not comfortable or happy to be around anymore. They end up making me feel worse about myself than anything else so I avoid them when I can lately. Then I had a little claustrophobic moment. I was sitting on the deck with everybody else at the end of the table. One minute it was fine and the next I had three people in chairs behind me so I couldn't move and then my uncle wedged himself between me and my aunt and started smoking. Did I mention that I'm asthmatic? And that these people around me are all the ones that I didn't want to be around? By this time it was around 7... and I hadn't heard from Cael. Turns out his phone got shut off. Just before everybody crowded me in he had sent me a text and I was finally starting to feel okay. Then, everybody was too close, it was too warm, there was too much smoke...and I couldn't talk to him because if I took out my phone they were all close enough they could have read it. It was at this point I started getting panicky and finally crawled out from everybody and went and sat by myself in a different room and talked to him. When I got home he and I talked some more and I ended up in tears I was so overwhelmed with everything. Then came the scary part. We realized that Cael is now my home. I'm not comfortable and at home around family anymore, if he's not there in some way I'm uncomfortable and easily overwhelmed. He said it was bound to happen, he knows everything about me and I do spend most of my time talking to him. But now, it feels wrong. It feels off and I'm antsy and uncomfortable when I'm not talking to him during the day. I can go for a while without contact but that long paired with being with too many people doesn't work it seems. It's just not right when he isn't around, it makes this whole distance thing harder when my home is 5 hours away. And it's scary. Its a fuck of a lot of trust making somebody your home. It's a lot to adjust to. It's one thing to know it and say it but it's whole other thing to feel it like I did the other night. Of course, this makes it a hell of a lot easier to move because where I belong isn't here anymore. It's up there with him.

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